Clear Light of Day

by Anita Desai

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Table of Contents

  Copyright

  Dedication

  I

  II

  III

  IV

  About the Author

  First Mariner Books edition 2000

  Copyright © 1980 by Anita Desai

  all rights reserved

  For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 215 Park Avenue South, New York, New York 10003.

  www.hmhco.com

  The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

  Desai, Anita, date.

  Clear light of day / Anita Desai. — 1st Mariner books ed.

  p. cm.

  “A Mariner book.”

  isbn-13: 978-0-618-07451-8

  isbn-10: 0-618-07451-1

  I. Women—India—Delhi—Fiction. 2. Delhi (India)—Fiction. 3. Sisters—Fiction. I. Title.

  pr9499.3.d465 c56 2000

  823'.914—dc21 00-061326

  eisbn 978-0-547-52629-4

  v1.0314

  First published in Great Britain by William Heinemann Ltd., 1980. First published in the United States of America by Harper & Row, Publishers, Inc., 1980.

  Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to reprint the following: Lines from “The Waste Land” and “Little Gidding” from Collected Poems 1909–1962 by T. S. Eliot; reprinted by permission of the publishers, Faber & Faber Ltd. and Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, Inc. Lines from Collected Poems by Emily Dickinson; reprinted by permission of the publishers, Little, Brown & Company and Faber & Faber, Ltd. Lines from “The Ship of Death” from The Complete Poems of D. H. Lawrence; Copyright © Angelo Ravagli and C. M. Weekley, Executors of the Estate of Frieda Lawrence Ravagli, 1964, 1971; reprinted by permission of Laurence Pollinger Ltd., the Estate of Lawrence Ravagli, and Viking Penguin Inc.

  For Didi and Pip

  I

  The koels began to call before daylight. Their voices rang out from the dark trees like an arrangement of bells, calling and echoing each others’ calls, mocking and enticing each other into ever higher and shriller calls. More and more joined in as the sun rose and when Tara could no longer bear the querulous demand in their voices, she got up and went out onto the veranda to find the blank white glare of the summer sun thrusting in between the round pillars and the purple bougainvillea. Wincing, she shielded her eyes as she searched for the birds that had clamoured for her appearance, but saw nothing. The cane chairs on the veranda stood empty. A silent line of ants filed past her feet and down the steps into the garden. Then she saw her sister’s figure in white, slowly meandering along what as children they had called ‘the rose walk’.

  Dropping her hands to pick up the hem of her long nightdress, Tara ran down the steps, bowing her head to the morning sun that came slicing down like a blade of steel onto the back of her neck, and crossed the dry crackling grass of the lawn to join her sister who stood watching, smiling.

  The rose walk was a strip of grass, still streaked green and grey, between two long beds of roses at the far end of the lawn where a line of trees fringed the garden—fig and silver oak, mulberry and eucalyptus. Here there was still shade and, it seemed to Tara, the only bit of cultivation left; everything else, even the papaya and lemon trees, the bushes of hibiscus and oleander, the beds of canna lilies, seemed abandoned to dust and neglect, to struggle as they could against the heat and sun of summer.

  But the rose walk had been maintained almost as it was. Or was it? It seemed to Tara that there had been far more roses in it when she was a child—luscious shaggy pink ones, small crisp white ones tinged with green, silky yellow ones that smelt of tea—and not just these small negligible crimson heads that lolled weakly on their thin stems. Tara had grown to know them on those mornings when she had trailed up and down after her mother who was expecting her youngest child and had been advised by her doctor to take some exercise. Her mother had not liked exercise, perhaps not the new baby either, and had paced up and down with her arms folded and her head sunk in thought while the koels mocked and screamed and dive-bombed the trees. Tara had danced and skipped after her, chattering, till she spied something flashing from under a pile of fallen rose petals—a pearl, or a silver ring?—and swooped upon it with a cry that broke into her mother’s reverie and made her stop and frown. Tara had excitedly swept aside the petals and uncovered—a small, blanched snail. Her face wrinkling with disgust, her mother turned and paced on without a word, leaving Tara on her knees to contemplate the quality of disillusion.

  But here was Bim. Bim, grey and heavy now and not so unlike their mother in appearance, only awake, watchful, gazing at her with her fullest attention and appraisal. Bim laughed when she saw Tara panting slightly in her eagerness.

  Tara laughed back. ‘Bim, the old rose walk is still here.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Bim, ‘only the roses grow smaller and sicker every year,’ and she bent to shake a long spindly branch from which a fully bloomed rose dangled. It came apart instantly, revealing a small naked centre and a few pathetic stamens clinging to the bald head while the petals fell in a bunch to the chocolate earth below.

  Tara’s mouth opened in dismay at the destruction of a rose in full bloom—she would never have done what Bim did—and then she saw the petals that had clung together in a bunch in their fall part and scatter themselves. As she stared, a petal rose and tumbled onto its back and she saw uncovered the gleam of a—a pearl? a silver ring? Something that gleamed, something that flashed, then flowed—and she saw it was her childhood snail slowly, resignedly making its way from under the flower up a clod of earth only to tumble off the top onto its side—an eternal, minature Sisyphus. She brought her hands together in a clap and cried, ‘Look, a snail!’

  Bim watched her sister in surprise and amusement. Was Tara, grown woman, mother of grown daughters, still child enough to play with a snail? Would she go down on her knees to scoop it up on a leaf and watch it draw its albuminous trail, lift its tiny antennae, gaze about it with protruding eyes and then, the instant before the leaf dipped and it slid downwards, draw itself into its pale pod?

  As Tara performed the rites of childhood over the handy creature, Bim stood with lowered head, tugging at the hair that hung loosely about her face as she had done when she had sat beside her brother’s bed that summer that he was ill, with her forehead lowered to the wooden edge of the bed, a book of poetry open on her lap, reading aloud the lines:

  Now sleeps the crimson petal, now the white;

  Nor waves the cypress in the palace walk;

  Nor winks the gold fin in the porphyry font:

  The firefly wakens. . .

  Her lips moved to the lines she had forgotten she remembered till she saw the crimson petals fall in a heap on the snail in the mud, but she would not say them aloud to Tara. She had no wish to use the lines as an incantation to revive that year, that summer when he had been ill and she had nursed him and so much had happened in a rush. To bury it all again, she put out her toe and scattered the petals evenly over the damp soil.

  Now Tara’s hand trembled, the leaf she held dipped and the doomed creature slid soundlessly back to earth.

  They both stood staring as it lay there, shocked and still.

  Tara murmured ‘You looked so like Mama from a distance, Bim—I mean, it’s so—the sun—’ for she realised at once that Bim would not like the comparison.

  But Bim did not seem to hear, or care. ‘Did you sleep at all?’ she asked instead, for last night on arriving from the airport Tara had laughed and chattered and claimed to be too excited to sleep.

  ‘How could I?’ crie
d Tara, laughing, and talked of the koels in the morning, and the dog barking in the night, and the mosquitoes singing and stinging in the dark, as they walked together up the grassy path, Tara in her elegant pale blue nylon nightgown and elegant silver slippers and Bim in a curious shapeless hand-made garment that Tara could see she had fashioned out of an old cotton sari by sewing it up at both sides, leaving enough room for her arms to come through and cutting out a wide scoop for her neck. At the feet a border of blue and green peacocks redeemed the dress from total shabbiness and was—Tara laughed lightly—original. ‘How he barks,’ she repeated. ‘Don’t the neighbours complain?’

  ‘I think they’ve grown used to him at last, or else they’ve realised it does no good to complain—I never will chain him up and, as I tell them when they do protest, he has such a beautiful voice, it’s a pleasure to hear him. Not like the yipping and yapping of other people’s little lap dogs,’ she said with a toss of her grey head.

  Although they spoke softly, no louder than a pair of birds to each other, the dog must have heard his name or realised he was being discussed. When Tara had come out onto the veranda he had been asleep under the wooden divan, hidden from her by the striped cotton rug with which it was covered, and he had only twitched his whiskers when he heard her pass by. Now he was suddenly out there on the grass walk with them, standing with his four legs very wide apart, his nose diving down into the clods of earth where the snail still lay futilely struggling to upright itself. As it finally nipped onto its edge, he gave a thunderous sneeze.

  ‘Badshah!’ cried Bim, delighted with his theatrical performance, and his one eye gleamed at the approval in her voice while the other followed the snail. But it disappeared under the rose petals once more and he came lolloping towards them, stubbed his moist nose into their legs, scuffed his dirty claws into their heels, salivated over their feet and then rushed past them in a show of leadership.

  ‘He does like to be first always,’ Bim explained.

  ‘Is he nine now, Bim, or ten?’

  ‘Twelve,’ exclaimed Bim. ‘See his old whiskers all white,’ she said, diving forwards at his head and catching him by the ears, making him stand still with his head against her thigh. He closed his eyes and smiled a foolish smile of pleasure at her attention, then drew away with a long line of saliva dribbling from his jaws onto the grass, more copious and irregular than the fluent snail’s. ‘He is Begum’s son, you know, and she lived to be—fourteen?’

  Tara lifted her hair from the back of her neck and let it fall again, luxuriantly, with a sigh. ‘How everything goes on and on here, and never changes,’ she said. ‘I used to think about it all,’ and she waved her arm in a circular swoop to encompass the dripping tap at the end of the grass walk, the trees that quivered and shook with birds, the loping dog, the roses—‘and it is all exactly the same, whenever we come home.’

  ‘Does that disappoint you?’ Bim asked drily, giving her a quick sideways look. ‘Would you like to come back and find it changed?’

  Tara’s face was suddenly wound up tightly in a frown as if such a thought had never struck her before and she found it confusing. ‘Changed? How? You mean the house newly painted, the garden newly planted, new people coming and going? Oh no, how could I, Bim?’ and she seemed truly shocked by the possibility.

  ‘But you wouldn’t want to return to life as it used to be, would you?’ Bim continued to tease her in that dry voice. ‘All that dullness, boredom, waiting. Would you care to live that over again? Of course not. Do you know anyone who would—secretly, sincerely, in his innermost self—really prefer to return to childhood?’

  Still frowning, Tara murmured meaninglessly ‘Prefer to what?’

  ‘Oh, to going on—to growing up—leaving—going away—into the world—something wider, freer—brighter,’ Bim laughed. ‘Brighter! Brighter!’ she called, shading her eyes against the brightness.

  Tara’s head sank low, her frown deepened. She could not trust Bim to be quite serious: in her experience, the elder sister did not take the younger seriously—and so all she said was a murmured ‘But you didn’t, Bim.’

  ‘I?’ said Bim flatly, with her eyes still shaded against the light that streamed across the parched lawn and pressed against the trees at the fringe. ‘Oh, I never go anywhere. It must seem strange to you and Bakul who have travelled so much—to come back and find people like Baba and me who have never travelled at all. And if we still had Mira-masi with us, wouldn’t that complete the picture? This faded old picture in its petrified frame?’ She stopped to pluck the dead heads off a rose bush dusted grey with disease. ‘Mira-masi swigging secretly from her brandy bottle. Baba winding up his gramophone. And Raja, if Raja were here, playing Lord Byron on his death-bed. I, reading to him. That is what you might have come back to, Tara. How would you have liked that?’

  Tara stood staring at her silver toes, at the clods of upturned earth in the beds and the scattered dead heads, and felt a prickle of distrust in Bim. Was Bim being cruel again? There could be no other motive. There could be no reply. She made none and Bim swung away and marched on, striding beside Badshah.

  ‘That is the risk of coming home to Old Delhi,’ she announced in the hard voice that had started up the prickle of distrust that ran over the tips of the hairs on Tara’s arms, rippling them. ‘Old Delhi does not change. It only decays. My students tell me it is a great cemetery, every house a tomb. Nothing but sleeping graves. Now New Delhi, they say is different. That is where things happen. The way they describe it, it sounds like a nest of fleas. So much happens there, it must be a jumping place. I never go. Baba never goes. And here, here nothing happens at all. Whatever happened, happened lone ago—in the time of the Tughlaqs the Khiljis the Sultanate, the Moghuls—that lot.’ She snapped her fingers in time to her words smartly ‘And then the British built New Delhi and moved everything out. Here we are left rocking on the backwaters, getting duller and greyer I suppose Anyone who isn’t dull and grey goes away—to New Delhi, to England, to Canada, the Middle East. They don’t come back.’

  ‘I must be peculiar then,’ Tara’s voice rose bravely. ‘I keep coming back. And Bakul.’

  ‘They pay your fare, don’t they?’ her sister said.

  ‘But we like to come, Bim. We must come—if we are not to lose touch, I with all of you, with home, and he with the country. He’s been planning this trip for months. When the girls arrive, and we go to Hyderabad for the wedding, Bakul wants to go on from there and do a tour of the whole country. He did it ten years ago and he says it is time to do it again, to make sure—’

  ‘Of what?’

  The question was sarcastic but Tara gave her head a toss of assurance and pride. Her voice too had taken on the strength and sureness that Bim noticed it usually did when she spoke of her husband. She told Bim evenly ‘That he hasn’t forgotten, or lost touch with the way things are here. If you lose touch, then you can’t represent your country, can you?’ she ended, on an artificial note.

  Bim of course detected that. She grunted ‘Hmph. I don’t know. If that is what they tell you in the diplomatic service then that is what you must say.’

  ‘But it’s true,’ Tara exclaimed, immediately dropping artificiality and sounding earnest. ‘One has to come back, every few years, to find out and make sure again. I’d like to travel with him really. But there’s the wedding in Raja’s house, I suppose that will be enough to keep us busy. Are you coming, Bim? You and Baba? Couldn’t we all go together? Then it will be a proper family reunion. Say you’ll come! You have your summer vacation now. What will you do alone in Delhi, in the heat? Say you’ll come!’

  Bim said nothing. In the small silence a flock of mynahs suddenly burst out of the green domes of the trees and, in a loud commotion of yellow beaks and brown wings, disappeared into the sun. While their shrieks and cackles still rang in the air, they heard another sound, one that made Bim stop and stare and the dog lift his head, prick up his ears and then charge madly across to the eucalyptus tree
s that grew in a cluster by the wall. Rearing up on his hind legs, he tore long strips of blue and mauve bark off the silken pink tree-trunks and, throwing back his head, bellowed in that magnificent voice that Bim admired so much and that soured—or spiced—her relations with the neighbours.

  ‘What is it?’ called Tara as Bim ran forwards, lifting the peacock-edged nightie in order to hurry.

  It was her cat, crouched in the fork of the blue and pink tree, black and bitter at being stranded where she could not make her way down. Discovered first by the mynahs and then by Badshah, she felt disgraced.

  Bim stood below her, stretching out her arms and calling, imploring her to jump. Badshah warned her not to do anything of the sort in a series of excited barks and whines. Tara waited, laughing, while the cat turned her angry face from one to the other, wondering whom to trust. At last Bim coaxed her down and she came slithering along the satiny bark, growling and grumbling with petulance and complaint at her undignified descent. Then she was in Bim’s arms, safely cradled and shielded from Badshah’s boisterous bumps and jumps, cuddled and cushioned and petted with such an extravagance of affection that Tara could not help raising her eyebrows in embarrassment and wonder.

  Although Bim was rubbing her chin on the cat’s flat-topped head and kissing the cold tips of her ears, she seemed to notice Tara’s expression. ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she said. ‘You’re thinking how old spinsters go ga-ga over their pets because they haven’t children. Children are the real thing, you think.’

  Tara’s look of surprise changed to guilt. ‘What makes you say that? Actually, I was thinking about the girls. I was wondering—’