Falling for the Brooding Doc

by Annie Claydon

  ‘The usual side effects?’

  Laurie nodded. ‘Yes, lack of impulse control and aggression. Combined with all the frustration and rejection he was already feeling. He was cycling home and...the lights were against him and he should have given way, but he didn’t. He just rode at a lorry, expecting it to stop, and there was no way it could. I was fifteen, and it was then that I decided I had to get out.’

  ‘So...he couldn’t save himself, but...maybe he saved you?’

  ‘I don’t think he meant to. He was just influenced by the drugs.’

  ‘Maybe. But it sounds as if he loved you very much. What would he say to you now, if he knew that you’d broken free of your father?’

  More tears. But somehow the tightness in her chest seemed to be easing now that she was no longer struggling to keep them back.

  ‘I think he’d say that he was happy about that. He’d probably write me a story.’

  ‘Yeah? Then you’ve got something to thank him for.’

  Tom’s life seemed less like a catalogue of failure and missed opportunity now. ‘Aunt Suze always used to say that it was all such a waste...’

  ‘She’s right, it was a waste of a young life. But what he was, the things he did will never be wasted as long as you remember him for them.’

  Laurie wiped her face, picking the boat up from the bench beside her. This wasn’t the brave face that she’d put on for her father. It was wanting to say the things she really wanted to, for Tom, and that felt very different.

  ‘Let’s do this.’

  Ross nodded. ‘Yeah. Let’s do it.’

  He pulled on the waders and they walked down to the water’s edge. In the darkness, with Ross standing quietly beside her, Laurie said the things she wanted to say to Tom. Then he put the small boat onto the water and handed her the matches.

  Her hands were trembling, and she broke the first two, trying to strike them against the side of the box. But the third flared brightly and she touched it against the kindling in the boat. It started to glow and then caught.

  ‘You want me to take it out now?’ Ross spoke quietly.

  ‘Yes, please.’ Laurie pressed her fingers against her lips, touching the kiss against the side of the boat, and Ross started to wade out, pushing the boat. The flames were spreading, now, and the fire that she’d carefully built was beginning to lick around the mast.

  Suddenly, she had to be a part of this as well. Laurie waded out into the water and he turned, waiting for her.

  No comments about how she’d ruin her sandals, or that the water was cold. When she reached him, he pushed the boat towards her and she gingerly took hold of it. They took a few steps more, Ross’s hand around her waist steadying her against the pull of the current. This was what she needed to do, and she didn’t want to do it alone. She wanted Ross to be with her.

  Laurie said one last goodbye and pushed the boat out into the lake. It bobbed for a moment and then the current found it and it started to drift away, a speck of shining flame in the darkness.

  She couldn’t keep herself from crying again, but she didn’t have to. Ross held her tight, the warmth of his body comforting her. Together they watched the boat float away, until finally the flames caught on the infrastructure and the light was extinguished.

  Ross, the man who seemed to have an answer for everything, was as lost for words as she was. When she looked up at him, he was staring into the darkness, and Laurie thought she saw the glint of a tear in his eye. A tear for her beloved Tom that moved Laurie more than she could say.

  ‘Thank you, Ross.’

  He nodded, taking her hand, and they waded out of the water together. Silent in the darkness and yet so, so close. He watched as she walked awkwardly to the bench, her feet slipping in her wet sandals.

  ‘I can’t walk in these...’ She sat down, taking them off. The rough ground between here and the cultivated lawn at the back of the house might be a little hard on her feet, but at least she wouldn’t slip and fall.

  ‘Want a piggy-back?’ Ross was stripping off the waders and pulling on his sneakers.

  Probably not the most elegant of ways to leave your brother’s tribute, but Tom would have found it funny. And Ross seemed to know that Laurie would have felt awkward about being carried. She stood up on the bench, and climbed onto his back.

  ‘Uh... You’re a lot heavier than you look.’ Ross didn’t seem to be having any trouble carrying her, and was striding towards the house.

  ‘That’s because it’s all muscle. Where’s your knowledge of human anatomy, Ross?’ Tom would have found the teasing funny, too.

  ‘Next time I need a lift I’ll know who to ask...’

  ‘You think I couldn’t?’

  He shook his head. ‘No. I’m horribly afraid that you could. Keep still, will you?’

  Laurie wrapped her arms around his neck, snuggling against him. The warmth of his body penetrated through her wet jeans and his solidity was comforting and...

  Maybe she shouldn’t be feeling that. But Tom wouldn’t have minded, he would have just laughed and told her to go for it. He would have understood the damage that her father had done, how she hadn’t been able to consider the thought of a happy family or a relationship because all those things seemed like a prison to her. And maybe he’d understand how her feelings were beginning to change.

  But, however much she trusted Ross, however much he trusted her, it still couldn’t change anything. He didn’t trust the future, and Laurie knew that he wouldn’t go any further than a few kisses, which they could pretend hadn’t happened.

  He reached the patio and let her down gently from his back. She couldn’t let him go now, and she caught hold of his hand, feeling his fingers wind around hers.

  ‘Thank you, Ross. That was...everything I wanted it to be.’

  He nodded. ‘It was an honour to share it with you.’

  Still she couldn’t leave him. But Ross pulled his hand away from hers. ‘You should get inside and get dry. Maybe take a shower to get rid of the Eau de Pondweed...’

  ‘You don’t like it?’

  ‘It has a mysterious allure. You may want to check in your pockets for fish, though. Why don’t I make some hot chocolate? I’ll meet you on the steps.’ He gestured towards the spiral staircase that led up to his balcony.

  ‘I’ve got hot chocolate. And plenty of milk.’ She didn’t want him to leave her for even a few minutes.

  ‘Your place, then...’ His grin made her shiver. Hot chocolate, your place or mine. That wasn’t the way Ross did things. An invitation for drinks was just that, and your place or mine was a matter of which was more convenient.

  She caught his hand, leading him into the small apartment. The drapes had been drawn all day, the light had hurt her eyes too much to let any of it in, but now she wanted to see the lake. She drew the curtains back, letting in the moonlight that reflected off the water.

  He shooed her towards the bathroom, her jeans leaving a trail of water behind her. When she returned, he’d wiped the floor, plumped the cushions on the sofa, where she’d been sitting all day, and put the coffee cups into the sink. And there were two mugs steaming on the breakfast bar.

  ‘This is nice. Thank you for this evening.’ Laurie sat down next to him on the sofa, and he stretched his arm out on the cushions behind her. It was an open invitation for a hug, and she moved closer, taking him up on it.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  ROSS HAD BEEN thinking a lot about this. How right it seemed, and how very wrong he’d been. Laurie had changed. She’d learned how to trust the people around her, and that showing her feelings wasn’t such a bad thing. She didn’t need him any more, and it was time to let her go.

  He waited until the day had run its course, knowing when he’d have an opportunity to find her alone. Laurie was a creature of habit, and she liked to go down to the lake after wo
rk and just sit for a while, watching the movement of the water. Maybe she saw something there that he didn’t, currents that might shift a boat forward a little or impede its progress. Or maybe she just liked the view.

  He said down next to her and she smiled. A real smile, open-faced and bright-eyed as if she was genuinely happy. It made Ross happy too, and rendered what he was about to do next all the more difficult.

  ‘I have something for you.’ He gave her the envelope he’d been carrying.

  ‘Yes? What’s this?’ She opened the flap, taking out the sheet of paper and scanning it.

  Significant progress...

  Positive attitude...

  Confident that Dr Sullivan is committed to improving her condition, and that she will continue to improve after she leaves...

  ‘Leaves the clinic?’ Laurie picked out the words that Ross had typed then deleted and retyped three times. ‘What have I done now, Ross?’

  ‘You’ve done nothing. Why would you think...?’

  She waved the paper at him ferociously. ‘Because this sounds a lot as if you’re giving me the sack.’

  Clearly she was in no mind to make this easy for him. ‘I’m not giving you the sack. Read the letter, Laurie.’

  ‘Yes, I’m reading it. It says lots of nice things about me, and how I don’t need you any more.’

  ‘You don’t. You never did.’

  ‘I needed you, Ross. I needed someone to give me a shake and make me realise what I was doing to myself. And this...’ She flipped the letter with her finger. ‘This is how you give someone the sack. You give a really nice reference and then cut them loose. After you promised me that I could help these kids.’

  Ross didn’t recall actually promising anything of the kind. But she was right, he had told her that she could take charge of Adam and Tamara’s treatment, and she’d made an excellent job of it. He expected all the staff at the clinic to know that his word was as good as a promise.

  ‘It’s the right thing—’

  ‘No! It’s not the right thing. If you want me to go you should just say so.’

  He didn’t want her to go. But that was the whole point of this. Somewhere, deep inside, her anger was making him want to reach out and hug her. More than just hug her.

  ‘You’re not understanding what I’m doing...’

  ‘No, actually, I don’t. Try explaining it to me. Words of one syllable, please.’

  Ross took a breath. He’d worked all of this out in his head, and he was sure that he was doing the right thing. Only he’d hoped that Laurie might look at the letter and realise that this was the right thing to do, too, without the need for explanations.

  ‘All right. Simmer down.’

  ‘No, I will not simmer down, Ross. This is...too much.’ She crumpled the paper in her hand, dropping it at her feet. The wind caught it, and it bounced across the grass, lodging against some stones at the water’s edge.

  ‘That’s just a copy. I’ve already sent the original to your consultant.’

  ‘Without telling me? Where do you get off manipulating me, Ross?’

  That was exactly his point. It had to stop now.

  ‘Look, Laurie. Three weeks ago I made you an offer it was impossible to refuse. I told you that the clinic wouldn’t treat you any more, knowing full well that this place was your last chance.’

  ‘That’s right.’ She shot him a fierce look.

  ‘I didn’t know then that you’d spent your whole childhood being forced into a mould, or that you’d lost your brother. But that’s no excuse, I shouldn’t have done it.’

  Laurie crossed her arms, staring out over the lake and refusing to meet his gaze. ‘We’ve been through that, Ross. I’ve admitted that I was being unreasonable, and you stopped me from cutting off my nose to spite my face.’

  ‘It doesn’t mean that what I did was right.’

  There was a sudden flash of warmth in her eyes. Angry warmth. ‘So...what? You’re feeling guilty because I got better? Perhaps you should think about taking up another career because doctor doesn’t seem to suit you.’

  She was deliberately missing the point and the words he’d wanted to say came out in a rush before he could stop them. ‘I care for you, Laurie. More than I should... I want you to stay, which is what makes it so very wrong of me to compel you to do so.’

  ‘So why on earth didn’t you just say so?’ The fire was back again. And Laurie’s fire could so easily turn to passion.

  ‘Because... If I could offer you more then I’d do it, right here and now. But that’s not right for either of us, and you know it. This letter means you’re free to go.’

  Her eyes widened and she opened her mouth to protest, then closed it again. Laurie knew just as well as he did that a relationship couldn’t work between them. There was really nothing more to say.

  Standing up and turning his back on her was difficult. And the words she called after him hit him like a knife between his shoulder blades.

  ‘Ross! Don’t you walk away...’

  He had no choice. This was the right thing to do but he was in imminent danger of taking it all back, just to see Laurie’s smile again. When Ross reached the fire escape steps that led up to his apartment, he had the opportunity to turn and glance behind him.

  Laurie had walked down to the shore of the lake and was bending to pick up the crumpled letter. That was something, at least. Maybe if she read it again, she’d understand.

  * * *

  A sleepless night brought no answers apart from the ones she didn’t want to acknowledge. Three weeks ago, Laurie would have taken the letter and gone, without looking back. Ross couldn’t have timed things any worse by giving it to her now, when all she wanted to do was stay.

  The morning brought no knock on her door, and she didn’t have the heart to knock on his. If this was what Ross really wanted, then she should leave. Laurie left a message for Sam, asking if she was free for lunch, and set to work. She didn’t want to think about having to say goodbye to the friends she’d made here, or to Tamara and Adam, but she was going to have to.

  Sam tapped on the French doors at lunchtime, looking a little worried. She proffered a couple of herbal teabags, which was a sure sign that she thought something was up.

  ‘Mmm. That looks nice.’ She perched herself on one of the stools at the breakfast bar and snagged a slice of tomato from the large mixed salad that Laurie took out of the fridge. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘I’m going to leave. Tomorrow, probably.’

  ‘Leave?’ Sam’s eyes widened in surprise. ‘But I thought you were staying for another three weeks.’

  ‘Yeah. I was going to.’ Laurie flipped the kettle on.

  ‘So...’ Sam puffed out a breath. ‘You haven’t had an argument with Ross, have you?’

  ‘Has he said anything?’ Laurie shouldn’t ask, but her curiosity got the better of her.

  ‘No. He actually hasn’t said anything to anyone all morning. Something’s bugging him.’

  ‘He wrote me a letter.’

  Sam stared at her. ‘A letter?’

  She should just tell Sam she had to go. Hand over her notes on Adam and Tamara and leave it at that. But the nagging hope that somehow there was a way that she could stop what was happening wouldn’t let her.

  ‘Help yourself.’ Laurie pushed the salad bowl towards Sam. ‘I’ll show you.’

  She fetched the letter, laying it on the counter. Sam took a sip of her tea and picked it up.

  ‘Has this been through the washing machine or something?’

  ‘No, I...um... I screwed it into a ball and threw it.’

  ‘Oh. Feelings running high, then.’ Sam smiled, as if that wasn’t such a bad thing at all. Then she focussed on the letter, reading it through as she ate.

  ‘I’ll agree this sounds like something you’d write
when someone’s leaving. But isn’t this what you wanted, Laurie? Ross has given you what you need to square things with your consultant.’

  ‘He said it meant I was free to go. I’m assuming that’s what he wants.’

  Sam narrowed her eyes. ‘You’re sure about that? Let me read the letter again.’

  There was no point in trying to eat. Laurie watched miserably while Sam re-read the letter.

  ‘Well, I can’t get inside his head.’ Sam laid the paper back down and took a swig of her tea. ‘But I’ve known Ross for a while, and...when he decides that something’s wrong he just can’t let it go. It’s admirable actually, but it can be annoying.’

  ‘So...what do you think?’

  ‘Ross didn’t want to box you into a corner the way he did. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine, because I told him that you weren’t following my advice...’ Sam turned the corners of her mouth down.

  ‘You were right. I would have done the same. I was being unreasonable and I’m really sorry—’

  ‘That’s water under the bridge.’ Sam grabbed Laurie’s hand, squeezing it. ‘I’m only bringing it up because I know that Ross wasn’t happy about not giving you the choice, it’s against everything he believes in. I don’t know, but I think this may be all about that and nothing to do with wanting you to leave.’

  ‘Too much of a gentleman, you mean?’

  Sam snorted with laughter. ‘Yes. It’s not a bad thing, I suppose.’

  ‘No. It’s quite a nice thing really.’

  There was a lot of sense in what Sam said, but Laurie had been too upset and disappointed to see it before. So afraid of rejection that she’d jumped to that conclusion far too quickly and not looked behind Ross’s words.

  ‘What are you going to do?’ Sam was looking at her thoughtfully.

  ‘I’m going to make it clear to him that I want to stay. I want to finish what I’ve started with Adam and Tamara, and I want to continue on here with my own exercise regime. This place gives me the framework that I need to get better.’