by J. Naomi Ay
She would silently creep from the room, which she shared with her four sisters, tip toe down the hall to the kitchen door, and go sit out on the back porch. There, she’d to listen to the birds as they sang the world awake, soaking up the dew, and fresh, crisp morning air, unless it was raining, in which case, Luci often became quite wet.
Sometimes, Luci would bring her schoolwork, in order to finish it before class begun. She would grab a crust of bread, and a hunk of cheese, or whatever else might have remained in the refrigerator from the night before. Usually, she made certain to bring enough for Vinz, who would be starving as he joined her on the broken steps of the back porch.
It was on those very steps, right next to the hole from which protruded two rusty nails, where Vinz gave Luci her very first kiss, or maybe, it was Luci who gave it to Vinz. In any case, it was awkward and wet, not particularly enjoyable, but at the same time oddly thrilling to a couple of kids, who no one else seemed to love.
Unfortunately, that inchoate event was quickly interrupted by Luci's sister, Baby, who had awoken to both a wet diaper and a wet bed. Luci scurried into the house to deal with Baby and her mess, leaving Vinz to finish both the schoolwork and the food.
That kiss was repeated, but not until years later, when both Luci and Vinz met up again while attending college in New Mishnah.
"Pish tosh!" Luci declared now, wondering why she was thinking of both kisses and Vinz, neither of which she had done or heard from in recent memory.
Frankly, Luci didn't know if Vinz was even alive. So few of her old friends were around anymore.
"It doesn't matter anyway, Luci," she told herself, whilst pouring a cup of tea, and recalling how in the worst of times, she had brewed the same leaves for an entire week. Now, she glanced at the tray of muffins the maid had set out, deciding she wasn't particularly hungry. In fact, these days she often had to force herself to eat.
"You're going to waste away, Mother Luci," her daughter-in-law Marie had often said.
Wasting away might be a good thing, Luci considered. Certainly, there were a lot worse ways to go, and maybe, it was time she moved along, joining her husband and sons in the hallowed ground in the back of the estate, her beloved home.
Taking her tea and heading out to the sun porch, Luci sat down in her usual chair and gazed out at the circular drive of her estate.
Actually, it wasn't her estate anymore. A few months ago, she had been informed all her holdings had reverted to the Crown.
"Fine," she said at the time, and repeated it now.
The Imperial He had given the property to them in the first place, and now, he was taking it all back, as if it had been a loan. If one thought about it, which Luci did, he had given them everything they ever had. Except their love. Luci was pretty certain that she and Berkan had come by that on their own, although if she pondered it further, she might have discovered that they hadn’t.
"It's time to give it all back to HIM," Luci decided. "This fairy tale has ended. My story is over. Pish tosh, I don’t need any of this anyway."
But, Luci’s story wasn’t finished at all. In fact, just as Luci was in the midst of this self-pitying reverie, a speeder raced down from the clouds. It pulled up short in the manor house drive, prompting Luci to lean over her balcony for a better look.
It was Ber who jumped out of the car first, before opening the back passenger door to allow his passengers to climb out.
"Blessed Saint!" Luci gasped, as her new guests were a couple of middle-aged dual-heads, dressed in plastic bags with cardboard shoes.
The women had lovely thick red-hair, not unlike Luci's had been years ago. The men were gray and bearded, and as they climbed from the car, they seemed to stumble upon their own two feet.
"It's fine place you've brought us, Ber," one of the men declared, grabbing Ber's arm.
"Fit for a king," the other head chortled. "I need a drink."
"No, you don't," one of the women snapped. "Mel-Roy, you make me ill."
"Can we all just try to get along?" the other woman suggested.
"You make me sick too, Kate," the first woman-head barked.
"Lina?" the second one whined.
Fortunately, this argument was stopped by a joyous cry.
"Mama!"
Luci’s front door swung open to allow another dual-headed woman to rush out. It was Leta-Reta, Luci's houseguest from the night before. Luci watched with curiosity as hugs and kisses were exchanged, and happy tears fell from all of the many, many heads.
"We must go meet the Duchess," the head called Lina announced.
"Wait!" Reta reached for Ber's hand. "First, we have news to tell you."
"Oh no," Leta growned. "Can't it wait?"
"No," Reta insisted. "He's fulfilled the terms of the quest. Now, he gets his reward."
Luci leaned over the balcony further, as this was getting terribly interesting.
"We're going to marry him," Reta declared, staring dreamily into the young man's pale eyes. "Ber is to be our own Prince Consort."
"Good heavens!" Luci gasped. "There's two of them, and he’s only one!"
While all the heads began to nod, and the tongues to wag, another speeder arrived at Luci’s manor house front drive. It was a taxi from the spaceport, and on board were Loran and Marie.
"Dude," Loran called. "Have you got any coins on you, my man? The taxi guy needs to be paid, and all my radical pockets are completely empty."
"I'm so sorry," Marie apologized to whomever was listening, which was no one as far as Luci could tell. "Could we please borrow the fare, by chance?"
Ber reached into his pockets for some coins, while all the dual-headed people studied Loran, Ber’s near twin.
“Too bad you guys aren't cojoined," Leta mumbled.
Luci was about to set down her teacup and head downstairs to greet all this fascinating group of relatives and houseguests when yet another vehicle arrived. This time, it was a hired limo, and debarking from the coach was yet another young man.
"Blessed Saint!" Luci gasped, rapidly blinking her eyes, for there out on the drive was her own son Marik's twin. His resemblance to Ber and Loran was equally uncanny, but at the time, Luci had no clue who the boy could be. Neither, did Luci have the time to figure it out, as immediately following Marik came Gani, then Lee, Bork, and finally, Vinz.
"Vinz!" Luci nearly fell over the railing, her astonishment was so great.
"Luci!" Vinz looked up to see the long lost love of his entire life.
Although her hair was white, not red, she was wrinkled, and half the size she had once been, to Vinz, Luci looked exactly the same. In fact, she looked even better, even more beautiful, if that was at all possible to be. It probably helped to have the morning sun shining down upon her back. There was also an odd silver object sparkling like a disco ball over her head, sending shiny stars of silver light across her body.
In typical fairy tale fashion, Luci hurried down her staircase to the arms of both her family and her long lost love, certain that this was the happy ending she had waited for her entire life.
It was a lovely reunion. In fact, it was so wonderful, Marik decided not to kill anyone, as he realized this was the family he had never known, but always longed for, especially at night.
Marie and Lee also became quite chummy, and as the day wore on, they regaled each other with sordid tales of their unfaithful ex-spouses. Marie didn't mind Lee's three rows of enormous teeth, and his immense height, she reasoned, could be rather useful. He could reach those seldom used items in the top cupboards in the kitchen and the garage. He could also wash the windows without a ladder.
Lee didn't mind that Marie had put on a few pounds, for he had never known her when she was thin. He also wasn’t bothered that she didn't have three rows of teeth. When she declared that she too had always hated Hannah, as well as every other de Kudisha, Lee decided that fate had thrown them together.
By the day’s end, every guest room in the manor house was taken by so
mebody. In fact, there simply weren't enough rooms to go around.
The King and Queen were each given separate quarters, as befitting royal personages everywhere, while Gani and Bork went off to bunk together in the carriage house.
Vinz was left with only a living room sofa, which he was happy enough to take as it was much softer than the ground which he had slept on during his long travels.
Luci put Marik to bed in his father’s old bedroom down the hall. She kissed him on the head, told him a story, and patiently waited until he fell asleep, just like she had always done with Marik, the elder.
Afterward, Luci headed to the kitchen for a glass of water to take a pill. There she met Vinz who was looking for a paper cup. One thing led to another, which led to even more, which led to a lot of fun for two old friends, who had planned to be lovers, but never were.
That night, when Luci went to sleep, she didn't speak to Berkan's pillow, as Vinz’s head was snoring there instead. Luci sighed happily in his arms, her home filled with all these lovely new members of her family, certain that this time, she had finally been given a Happily Ever After.
Chapter 21
Myra had been Duchess Luci's cook for more than thirty years, since the very beginning when the Emperor had first bequeathed the duchy to his friend, Berkan. She had been hired on by the butler shortly after, initially to serve as a line chef in charge of side dishes and salads. Later, she was given command of the entire kitchen.
Myra had watched the Duke's boys, Marik and Petya grow up. She had even known the Imperial Prince Shika, as he had often come to visit. Back then, Myra was certain that child would amount to nothing but trouble, although she never blamed the little Prince. The poor baby wasn't at fault for the absent parents he was given.
Still, the fact that the boy turned out to be more or less alright was a bit of a surprise to the entire household staff. Even the ancient butler recalled the mischief that child had gotten into. Always, he dragged the innocent and sweet little Petya along for the ride.
Myra had been to all the weddings and the births. In fact, she had supervised the banquet preparations, and baked a few of her specialty desserts. Back then, she had a staff of twenty-four, including four sous chefs, some of whom had trained at the greatest cooking schools in the galaxy. Only the Imperial Palace had a kitchen equivalent to hers.
After the original duke died, and the Duchess Luci went to a sanitarium for a time, all of the kitchen staff were laid off, and never recalled. Myra stayed on to feed the gardener, the ancient butler, and the single, idiot maid, who despite being a Centipeadean with three sets of arms and seven sets of legs, did a lousy job at dusting.
"Myra," the Duchess said, on the morning after the day when all these relatives and new friends arrived in their midst. "I should like to have a dinner party tonight in the dining room with the best china. Hors d'oeuvres at 6pm, followed by dinner at the half hour."
Myra looked up from the pot of oatmeal she had been stirring. It was just after 6AM, and the sun was just a tiny dot of blue on the distant horizon. Here was the Duchess Luci standing in her kitchen making demands, after Myra hadn’t made a banquet in more than twenty years.
Something about the Duchess looked different though. Her face and eyes were fresh and wide awake. She looked young, certainly younger than her eight decades. She was happier too, her mouth was smiling widely, her cheeks rosy and cherubic.
"And, that won't be nearly enough oatmeal for breakfast. Blessed Saint, we have ten guests in residence, three with two heads. It's almost like feeding sixteen, for certainly their bodies are nearly as wide as two. Myra, dear, where in Heaven's name do you keep the saffron?"
The Duchess found herself a teacup and a spoon, before opening the cupboards in search of the elusive spice.
"Sixteen, mum?"
Myra set down her stirring spoon, and went to fetch the Duchess the saffron jar, not bothering to ask, nor caring why the Duchess would need the powder. Myra’s concern was the sixteen people who would be needing breakfast within an hour. Sixteen people would also want luncheon on the patio precisely at noon. They would need tea around 3PM, followed by dinner in the dining hall at half past six.
"Oh, is this saffron?" The Duchess asked, turning the bottle over in her hand. "Vinz," she continued, her face blushing red. "He says saffron in my tea will help to cure my psoriasis. My hands, you know. It's all the pollen in the air. Vinz says…"
"Yes, mum," Myra interrupted.
She was trying very hard not to panic. She was also trying to be patient with the Duchess, who clearly wished to talk. But, she had sixteen people to feed four times today. Sixteen people to feed tomorrow, or even longer. Sixteen people wanting breakfast, lunch, and dinner, afternoon tea, and late night dessert. Sixteen people with only Myra, the ancient butler, and the idiot maid to put this altogether, with no food in the house, and no one around to serve.
"I'll just make myself a cup of hot water, mix in the saffron, and a spot of honey." The Duchess giggled as if charmed by this simple recipe. "It will make my hands look young again, but not the rest of me, I'm afraid."
"Yes, mum." Myra started to make a list.
Firstly, she'd need a whole lot more oatmeal, toast, coffee, tea and jam. She'd have to ring that delivery boy, the one with the pimples all over his face, who was sweet on that idiot maid, who could barely dust. Myra would send him quickly to the town. Bread, eggs, milk, berries, and pastries ought to do. Immediately afterward, she'd start working on the lunch.
"Oh, Myra," Luci said, carefully balancing her cup in her hands. "I was thinking a roast turkey for the main course tonight. It's the sort of thing one eats when all the family gathers around."
"Yes, mum," Myra mumbled, calculating that the turkey must be at least twenty-five pounds.
The Duchess left, whistling a tune as she walked away, hurrying back to the new, old lover waiting in her bed. The container of saffron and the pot of honey remained on the counter where Luci had set them down, as Myra was too busy to put them away.
Several hours later, after breakfast, and before luncheon began, Myra called upon the idiot maid to help her in the kitchen. The girl, whose name was Dot, barely knew how to boil water, so her assistance was limited to cleaning up.
"Clean off the counters," Myra ordered. "Get all those dishes in the wash. Clear off the dining table and set it for the luncheon service."
Dot, having no experience in the kitchen beyond eating sandwiches at the tiny staff table, picked up everything off the counters with her six arms, and dropped them into drawers. This included Luci's saffron and honey, which belonged on an upper shelf, in a cupboard over the sink, and next to the spice rack.
Normally, this wouldn't have been a problem. Saffron was rarely used in Myra's cuisine, especially when it was only Luci and the household staff to feed. However, tonight's meal was a twenty-five pound turkey, which that pimply delivery boy had acquired from a farmer down the road. Turkeys were in need of stuffing, and Myra had a tasty recipe which required saffron, a spice that had a lovely reddish-brown color and fragrant aroma.
By mid-afternoon when Myra had been frantically cooking for nine hours straight with four more hours to go before the dinner bell rang, she shouted out commands to Dot, and the ancient butler, who was also in the kitchen trying to help.
"I need saffron, basil, oregano, rosemary and thyme! Quick! We have only three hours, twenty minutes remaining, and roasting this turkey is going to take all that."
Dot located all of the items on Myra's list, excepting the saffron which had been misplaced, when she cleared the kitchen counters earlier in the day. However, the idiot Centipeadean maid, having been many times on the receiving end of Myra's wrath, didn't bother to tell the chef she couldn't find the spice. Instead, while Myra mixed the stuffing with onions, garlic, and herbs, the ancient butler searched the pantry and all the cupboards, including beneath the sink.
There, he found a jar labeled Sulfuric Acid, Handle with Care, something
the gardener used to clear the drains whenever they clogged. It was dyed light brown to distinguish it from common staples like sugar or salt, but unfortunately, this made it nearly the same color as the saffron.
"Where's my saffron?" Myra demanded, holding out her hand, too busy, too stressed, and too impatient to wait any longer.
"Is this it?" the ancient butler, whose eyesight was fading, asked the maid.
Although, Dot had tried throughout her life to read Mishnese, she couldn't tell the difference between most letters. However, she faked it really well, or so she always thought. Unfortunately, this was a mistake with terrible consequences to Luci’s guests, who knew nothing of the chaos in the kitchen.
"Yes, that's it,” Dot replied. “It says Saffron."
Four hours later, Luci and all of her new family and friends gathered in the dining room to celebrate and eat. As they sat around the table, the ancient butler lit the candles, and poured the wine, while Dot scurried around the table setting out each course.
"A toast," Ber insisted, holding up his glass, and gazing love-struck across the table into the eyes of first Reta, and then, Leta. "To my beautiful bride to be. May we have many wonderful years together."
"Oh, my love," Reta gasped, lifting her glass.
"Not so fast," Leta murmured, knocking her sister on the side of the head. "I have a few more quests this guy will need to do."
"And, to my bride," Vinz interrupted. "As she always should have been. This time, I promise to get it right."
"To my grandma," Marik added, lifting his glass of grape juice, for the little drug lord was still too young for alcoholic drinks. "And, to every fairy tale she will tell me so I can fall asleep each night, and to all the chocolate chip cookies she will bake for me."
Luci looked across the table, at her beloved Vinz, and her three nearly identical young men. Tears formed in her eyes, as her heart swelled with happiness and pride.