Don't Blame Me

by Kay Blake

  “Let her go. He would want her there,” he said.

  I looked at him and mouthed thank you before I reached Adrian, who was now on the stretcher screaming in pain. My heart felt like it was outside of my chest. Maybe it was just a sprain. But as I heard his wails of pain, I knew it was something more serious. Squeezing his hand, I followed as they carted him off the field. I didn’t care about the game anymore. I wanted to be by his side, even if it meant this was the end of our relationship.

  They took him into the locker room as the team huddled over him saying things here and there. I only heard bits and pieces of the conversation. My stomach twisted in knots as I waited to hear what would happen. It seemed like hours. But Tommy finally came to me.

  “He most likely has to get surgery. He is getting an MRI, but they seem to think it is an ACL tear?”

  “Is that bad?” I asked.

  “Yes. It can be. He will have surgery and physical therapy. The biggest concern is if he will be the same player after he rehabs and gets better,” Tommy replied.

  I let out a sob. One that didn’t sound like me. Of all the things that could’ve happened today, this wasn’t something I expected. This was terrible. I knew Adrian well enough to know that he would be devastated about this. After some thought, I decided I would tell him after surgery. I needed to at least get it out there. If he didn’t like it then, that was something I would have to accept, but he needed to know.

  One Week Later

  Some hours after his surgery, I watched him sleep. I held his hand, talking to him.

  “You know I didn’t think I would be in this position. I never wanted to feel this way about someone, and yet even though we haven’t been together long enough, I feel that we were brought together for a reason. I know you’re strong and you’ll get through this. We will get through this. Together. You and me. And I need you here. I need you to be here for me and our baby. I don’t know what I’m doing yet, but I want to decide with you or discuss with you. I know neither one of us are ready, but we can do this. I know we can,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.

  “You’re pregnant?” I heard a woman say, and I turned around to see Adrian’s mother standing there.

  “Yes. I’m pregnant. I found out the day Adrian got hurt. I didn’t get a chance to tell him yet,” I said my throat feeling like a frog inhabited it.

  “Is it his?”

  “Of course it is. I haven’t been with anyone else.”

  “Hmm. I find that hard to believe. You think you can trap my son with a baby. You think he would give up his career for you and some bastard child,” she said coldly, her voice calm. So calm in fact that I wasn’t sure if I heard that correct.

  I shook my head. “No. I don’t want him to give up his career. I want him to know that’s all,” I said, trying to keep my voice from wavering. It was definitely hormones because my normal response wouldn’t have been to cry.

  “You should get rid of it. I’ll give you the money for it,” she said nonchalantly.

  “No! Why would I? This isn’t a decision you get to make. Sorry,” I replied sarcastically.

  “Get out. And leave my son alone, you bitch! You will not ruin his life. I will make sure of it,” she said.

  “He wants me here.”

  “If you don’t leave, I will have security drag you out.”

  I thought about the alternatives to get into it with his mother here and decided I would talk to him once he was discharged. I didn’t want to make his recovery any worse than it needed to be. I was after all, just his girlfriend. Not his wife. Not his parents. And I understood that, but it didn’t make me feel any better, that he was here and his mother took me as a threat when all I wanted to be here until he woke up.

  I decided to walk around a bit. I knew Marcy would be waiting, but I needed some time to think. I was emotional and the tears came falling again. My parents didn’t even know that I was pregnant and I knew they too would think I was giving up my life for a guy I didn’t know that well. Maybe his mother is right. Maybe I need to get rid of this baby. Or keep it and just go on with my life. He can have his life.

  This continued for 3 days. I would try to see Adrian, and his mother would make sure I couldn’t get to his room. I was sure that he wondered where I was, but I had no way of reaching him when his mother stood guard like a watchdog.

  On the third day, I took my time getting home. I was distraught. I window shopped a little, just trying to get my mind off of the current status of my life. How could I possibly have a child right now? There was also the fact that I would have to try and be there for Adrian, who I knew was going through tons of emotion right now. After it seemed that I cried so much, I couldn’t cry anymore, I started to head back home. I didn’t have my car, and I didn’t feel like calling a cab. I wanted to delay the inevitable question of what I was going to do. I also had to tell my parents as well.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, bumping into a tall man. He nodded before crossing the street. I glanced at him as he talked to some guy and turned back around.

  Funny, that was the same way I met Adrian for the first time.

  I could sense that I was being followed, and I turned around. Two guys walked behind me. While people walking wasn’t out of the norm, it was out of the norm to stare at me the way they were staring at me. It was a bit unnerving. Every time I turned back around, they were staring, keep the same distance behind me. I knew I was being followed, but why? I didn’t have anything.

  I turned down a different block out of my norm, and they followed. I went and walked into a store to get something to drink. I thought I had lost them until I saw them behind me again. The same two guys from before.

  I kept walking, hoping that I would run into someone I knew, not realizing that there wasn’t anyone outside but me and them. My pace turned into a jog. Once it seemed I got some distance, I slowed down thinking maybe I can hide somewhere until I was sure they were gone. I was grabbed from behind. The man’s arms were strong, and I struggled.

  “Please, you don’t have to do this,” I whimpered.

  “Shut up!” the other one said, making his way to me and the guy that held me.

  “Give me your wallet,” he said. Trembling, I opened my bag ready to give them the wallet, and as I put my hand into my bag, I decided to see if I could escape.

  Pulling my hand back out, I slapped the guy in front of me. Hard, but not hard enough. He sneered at me, slapping me back harder. My lip split and I could taste the metallic of my blood as it touched my tongue. Giving the wallet, I held my hands up. Hoping that was all they wanted.

  “I swear I won’t say a word,” I whispered, shaking where I stood.

  “Of course you won’t!” he said, his mouth spreading into an evil grin. He punched me hard then, knocking me into the ground. He grabbed, my shirt and I tried to take another swing He caught my fist, pressing his arm against my throat. The guy behind me, let me go and I fell to the floor. I cried out as the guys kicked me in the stomach. It was pain and dizziness. Too much pain for me to call out the way I wanted. I wanted to scream not the baby, but for some reason, I couldn’t say the words out.

  “Anthony, will be happy and we can get paid,” I heard one of them say and I was trying to process that. Anthony? It couldn’t be. My vision blurred and all I could remember is a sick grin, as his boot hit my stomach one more time.

  When I did wake up, I had an IV and a mask over my face. My throat was dry, and I felt like shit. Marcy sat there, her eyes red from crying. She looked over at me, letting out a sob. She sat up grabbing my hand, her eyes relieved.

  “Oh my god. Leah, I was so worried about you. I thought I lost you. You were lying there not moving, helpless. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you,” she cried kissing my forehead. “I’m glad you are up.”

  I was tired, and could barely move. My body felt like a train had hit it.

  “Don’t talk. I’m going to get the doctor,” Marcy said, as she rushed out o
f the room.

  Moments later Marcy came in followed by the doctor came in afterward, his face like stone.

  “Ms. Hunter I am glad you’re awake. You should recover nicely, but did you know you were pregnant?”

  I nodded.

  Wait? Were? What did that mean?

  “I’m sorry to tell you, but you lost the baby,” he said. The bed shook with my cries, as Marcy wrapped her arms around me crying along with me. Sure, I didn’t have it all sorted yet. It was all still a big shock. But, even so, it didn’t it didn’t mean it hurt any less. It hurt all that much more.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Adrian

  I sat in the doctor’s office two months after surgery. I was sore, and in pain most of the time, but they needed to check in on me again, so here I was. They said I was recovering nicely, but all I could think about was how my football career was potential over before it even began.

  I had asked my mother countless times did she hear from Leah, but she kept insisting that she didn’t. It was odd that Leah wasn’t there when I woke up. As if as soon as I got hurt, she went MIA. Mom had moved me back home so I could get better, but that didn’t excuse Leah from not even being at the hospital. Maybe my mother was right after all. Leah didn’t care for me. How could she if she hasn’t been around while I tried to recover from one of the worst things that had ever happened to me.

  There was a knock on the door, and Leah walked in, her hair in a bun. She looked different. Tired, like she hadn’t slept in a long time. There was another emotion on her face, which I couldn’t place. Her face was slightly bruised. And something else that was on her face, an emotion I couldn’t place, her face slightly bruised.

  “Hey! How are you feeling?” she said softly walking over to me.

  A part of me was angry with her. Angry that she seemed so calm. She didn’t care about my wellbeing this whole time.

  “Where have you been?” I asked her instead.

  “When?”

  “This whole time?”

  “Oh. Most recently, I was in the hospital,” she said.

  My eyes softened at that.

  “Another panic attack?”

  “No. I wish it was as simple as that. I would’ve preferred it. Though I’m surprised I didn’t have one yet. How are you feeling?”

  “As good as one can feel in this situation. It sucks that I have to be on crutches. It sucks that I have to learn to do the things I did already with no problem. The things that were natural. And then the doctors think I should stay away from football until I get better.”

  She sighed softly, sitting in the chair that was next to me.

  “I found out you were here today because of Tommy. Your mother has been making this quite difficult. Well, to see you I mean. I have been trying to see you even before I was in the hospital. Your mom made sure I couldn’t come to your room. There are so many things I want to tell you. So, many things that I don’t know how to tell you,” she said.

  “You can tell me.”

  At that moment, my mother walked in, her eyes narrowed once she saw Leah sitting down next to me.

  “What is she doing here?” she asked me.

  “Checking in on me. Obviously,” I replied.

  “I wanted to see if he was okay. I have to talk to him anyway,” she said, but my mother ignored her. The lines around her eyes were tense, almost as if she was near popping a blood vessel.

  “Oh, she has something to tell you huh? Trying to spin this in a way that doesn’t sound too bad?”

  “What? No. I have to tell him what I was trying to tell him the day you kicked me out of the room. What I have been trying to do, but you made sure I couldn’t,” Leah said her voice raised.

  “I told you to leave because I didn’t want you to break my son’s heart.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Leah said.

  I looked between the both of them. Break my heart. What the hell was going on?

  “What are you talking about mom?”

  “Leah has been cheating on you. It was why I kicked her out. I spoke to the young man whom she cheated with. It wasn’t worth getting you upset, especially right after surgery. But, now you know.”

  “That’s a lie!” Leah screamed.

  But as the two of them went back and forth, all I could think about was first I get injured during an important game, tear an ACL, have to have surgery, and now Leah cheats on me. After all she’d said about me and other women. Maybe, my mother misunderstood, but my mother has always wanted the best for me. It made no sense for her to lie to me.

  “Is this true?” I asked, stopping them both.

  “No! I didn’t cheat on you. It had nothing to do with that. I do need to talk to you, but I rather talk to you in private.”

  “Of course she does. So, she can fool you again, and make you believe she is an honest woman. She doesn’t love you, son,” my mother said.

  I thought about what she said and I got angry. I knew I was taking out my issues on Leah. I knew it, but I didn’t want to hear anything else. Especially, when I was already dealing with this injury.

  “Leah, I need you to leave,” I said so softly that at first I wasn’t sure if I said it out loud.

  “Excuse me?”

  “Leave! Just get out of here!”

  “Why? You believe her?”

  “Why would my mom lie to me?”

  Leah laughed bitterly, hurt in her tone.

  “You got to be kidding me! I don’t get how you don’t see what’s going on here. It is right there in your face. Your mother treats you like you’re her husband. It’s weird. No mother should be this hard on about her son. She treats you like you two are fucking or something,” she said.

  “How dare you?” my mother said, but Leah wasn’t done, as she raised her hand.

  “I wanted to see you. She told me I couldn’t. I had to deal with my own shit and still I worried about if you were okay. If you were alright. What would the next step be for you? For us? Did you miss me? Because I missed the fuck out of you, and yet you still ask me to go like I mean nothing?”

  And as she said this I couldn’t shake what my mother had said. She missed me, but was with some other guy? I also was still angry about the fact that I got injured. Angry that my dad almost seemed happy that I did. I wouldn’t drag her down this hole with me, and if my mother was right about her cheating, she had already moved on. It would be for the best.

  “I don’t want to do this anymore. We are done,” I said sharply. I could see the conflicting emotions on Leah’s face. She tilted her head, eyes wide, her breathing heavy. And then a cloud of fury came over her.

  “I can’t believe you. You believe her. I understand she’s your mom, she wanted nothing to do with us being together. Don’t you see that?” she yelled.

  My mother at that moment walked out of the room, though I wasn’t sure why.

  But I couldn’t stop myself, I was angry, and so I lashed out at her. Took it out on her, the person I loved. There was no way, she would be happy with me. Not with me feeling the way I was. And not with the fact that my mother hasn’t steered me wrong. She seemed to know many things that I didn’t. I was sure it was the same now. I had to let her go, and the only way to do that was to hurt her.

  “I don’t love you, Leah. I lied. I said what I could so you will sleep with me. It’s a game that I won too. You ate it up. I told you I don’t do this kind of thing. And yet, you still thought it’ll be different. Thought you could change me? You wanted me to be this perfect guy for you. A guy who didn’t say stupid shit and get with whatever woman I wanted so bad, but I got news for you, he doesn’t exist! He never existed. He never will,” I said coldly.

  Leah started to laugh. A laugh that sounded almost manic, but then she stood up, her hands balled into fists. She kicked the chair, before giving a heavy sigh, and that was when she looked at me. Her face wounded.

  “You know what Adrian? You’re right. I did eat it up. I let the fact that you somewhat got a
rise out of me mean something. I let the fact that I loved you being inside of me cloud my judgment. I regret this whole fucking thing. I regret being with you. You’re not worth this. I knew this all along and I told myself I was making too much of it. I was being too hard on you. I had to relax. I wished I would’ve listened. But it doesn’t matter now. You’re not worth this kind of pain. You’re not worth me crying or feeling anything. But you know what? I will do all the things I said I would. And you will still be a mama’s boy. Eventually, it won’t bother me anymore. You won’t mean a thing. You’ll have to live with the fact that you messed up something good. I hope this bothers you every single day for the rest of your fucking life. I hope you get all you fucking deserve, you piece of shit.”

  And as I watched her body shake in anger, tears falling down her face, I wanted to get up and hobble over to her, but I didn’t.

  “Ma’am, I’m going to need you to leave,” the guard said reaching to grab her. My mother stood there behind him, a smirk on her face.

  Leah looked over at him, her gaze filled with fury.

  “Don’t touch me. I’m leaving,” she said, walking out of the door. And as my mom talked to the other guard, I felt a little piece of my heart break as I watched the love of my life walk out of it. And I did nothing to stop it.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Adrian

  NYC (2016)

  I sat in the meeting room waiting for Leah to come from her office. I had only been here for about five minutes, but I already liked the way the staff was attentive and friendly with one another. I had my business phone in my hand scrolling through the latest emails. As usual, there were many and a few missed calls from my father. It wasn’t like he didn’t call my personal phone already. But I was sure most of the problem had to do with the fact that he couldn’t reach me. According to him, I was supposed to always be accessible.