Dare to Live

by S. B. Alexander

  I repeated her words out loud. “Your mom said something to me when I saw her the other day. By the way, she’s doing well. Anyway, she said, ‘What helps me is Mandy died doing what she loved, and as much as I hated her riding, I would never have stopped her because motorcycles made her happy. There are risks in everything we do on a daily basis. Just remember that.’ I know you loved your Yamaha. Hell, you never stopped talking about warm weather so you could ride. I loved how you got all giddy when you were about to ride. I loved seeing your face brighten when you started the engine.” I closed my eyes. I would’ve never wanted to take away Mandy’s excitement or her smile or make her give up something she loved.

  I had to be grateful that Jessie’s accident didn’t end her life. If I loved her, then I should love all of her like I had Mandy. After all, my dad had always taught us that family and our loved ones were the most important things in our lives, no matter the flaws or consequences.

  The rain began to slow, and a sliver of blue sky painted the horizon beyond the myriad of headstones.

  After a silent prayer, I said goodbye to Mandy. “I won’t be here as much anymore. I want you to know that you’ll always be a part of me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for smiling at me in the hall at high school that very first day.” I smoothed a hand over her epitaph. “You’ll always be my sweet soul.”

  Slowly, I edged back, tears streaming down my face. As I walked to my truck, I felt a sense of tranquility wash over me as though Mandy were right beside me.

  My phone rang. “Hey, bro.”

  “Where are you?” Kade asked. “We just got to the house, and you’re not here.”

  I glanced at the clock on my dashboard. “You said noon. It’s not noon yet.”

  “You sound like you’ve been crying. Are you at the cemetery?”

  “One last time. I’ll be home in ten.” I hung up.

  I used a napkin to dry my face, then I got on the road. I was looking forward to spending time with my brothers. Our Sunday family dinner had been canceled. Mom and Dad had jetted off to Cape Cod for the weekend, and the girls all had something to do. So I’d suggested a boys’ day. I needed my brothers to kick me out of my funk, and I knew they would do just that.

  Within no time, I was walking into the kitchen, smelling pizza that was strewn all over the island.

  Kelton, Kross, and Kade were sitting around the island, chomping down like hungry bears.

  “Sorry,” Kelton said. “The pie was getting cold.”

  “Did you go swimming in the rain?” Kross asked in between bites.

  The minute he said swimming, images of Jessie and me in the lake flashed in my mind. One image led to another, and suddenly I was recalling our intimate tryst in the tent. Gripping the handle of the fridge with one hand, I clutched my chest with the other. I almost couldn’t breathe. Fuck. I wanted more secret getaways with her.

  “How’s Jessie?” Kade asked, severing my trip down memory lane.

  Everyone in the family knew what had happened to Jessie. Mom had taken the news pretty hard and had gotten a little out of sorts with me because I hadn’t called or gone to see Jessie. “You’ve got to stand by those you love,” she had said. “You can’t walk away every time things get difficult.”

  Dad had intervened. “Kody needs some time to think.”

  Thank God for my psychiatrist dad.

  I snatched a beer out of the fridge. “I don’t know.”

  My brothers set down their pizza.

  “Do you love Jessie?” Kade asked.

  I nodded as I took a swig of beer. “Very much.”

  Kade swiveled on his stool to face me. “I know you’re having a hard time with her motorcycle accident, but bro, she’s alive, and she needs you. Don’t abandon those you love. Isn’t that what Dad has drilled into us since we were kids? We’re all about family. Jessie is part of our family now.”

  I didn’t get a chance to respond. In some ways, I was glad that the whir of an engine rumbled down the driveway, and not any engine—a Harley.

  My brothers jumped off their stools, as did I. I imagined for different reasons.

  The four of us crowded in front of the sliding glass door. My pulse beat furiously when I spotted Donovan, and not because I didn’t like him. We’d resolved our differences. My main thought was that something had happened to Jessie.

  I tore out of the house with my brothers on my tail.

  Donovan killed the engine then swung himself off his bike.

  Before I could stop Kade, he was in Donovan’s face.

  “Don’t. He’s cool.” I pulled Kade away from Donovan, or tried.

  Each of my brothers cocked their heads.

  I hadn’t had a chance to fill them in on all that had happened between Donovan and me.

  Big, bad Donovan held up his pudgy hands. “No trouble.”

  “You two are friends now?” Kade’s eyebrows were pinched so tightly, he was sure to have one of his migraines later.

  “We’re cordial,” I said. “We’ve both owned up to our mistakes, and he apologized to Mom.”

  Kelton fisted his hands at his sides. “So that makes everything sugary now?”

  I dropped my head back. White puffy clouds skated above me. Then I righted my head. “I’ve been carrying around ghosts for six years. I can’t do it anymore.” Then I flicked my thumb at Donovan, who was watching each of us intently. “We’re not going to be best friends, but it’s time to bury the hatchet.” I had. I just needed my brothers to as well.

  My brothers had murderous stares directed at Donovan.

  “Kody,” Donovan said. “It’s all good.”

  Nevertheless, I slid closer to Donovan in the event that Kade or even Kelton had any intentions of unleashing on him. Kross, on the other hand, casually leaned against Kade’s truck as though he wasn’t getting involved.

  “Did something happen to Jessie?” I asked, holding my breath.

  Donovan kept his focus on Kade, who had walked down to the garage door. “She’s fine.” His voice was even. “Kody, can I speak to you alone?”

  That wasn’t happening. Even if I asked my brothers to leave, they wouldn’t. “They aren’t going to start trouble. Are you?” I mainly directed my question to Kade since he was the one with a scowl on his face.

  Kelton joined Kross. Kade stood like a commander in a platoon with his legs shoulder width apart and his arms crossed over his chest.

  Playing with his lip ring, Donovan said, “You need to get your ass over to see Jessie.” His tone was harder than a rock. “I get your hang-up about motorcycles. But for fuck’s sake, dude, I can’t bear to see her moping around. It’s fucking killing me.”

  “He’s right,” Kelton said.

  I jerked my head at my brother.

  He shrugged. “What? You were at the cemetery, mourning again. How many times are you going to live in the past?”

  Kross chimed in. “If we have to tie you up and drag you over to Jessie, we will.”

  Kade didn’t say anything, but he sighed, losing his ready-to-fight body language.

  Donovan rubbed his jaw. “Look, I asked her to call you. But she’s still hurt that you weren’t there after she woke up from surgery. Do you love her or not? Be the man here, dude. You are an ass if you leave that beautiful woman hanging.”

  “He’s right,” Kade said.

  Donovan’s eyes went wide.

  Kelton piped up again. “You’re not changing her, Kody. I know you don’t want to. We love our girls for who they are. I wouldn’t dream of changing Lizzie even though I wanted to tie her up when she walked into a mob-infested poker game. Love is love, whether you like something your girl does or not.”

  Donovan inclined his head. “So it’s true? You guys have ties to the mob.”

  Kelton, Kross, and I glanced at Kade, who just shook his head.

  Kelton stabbed a finger at Kade. “More like he’s going to be married to the mob.”

  Kade rolled his eyes. “Look, bro, we
all have fears. I fear every day that Lacey’s grandfather will get out of prison and hunt her down again. But that doesn’t get in the way of me loving her.”

  Maybe it was the word fear or the reminder that Kade had almost lost Lacey at the hands of her grandfather that made me zero in on the Harley. “Donovan, can I borrow your Harley?”

  “What?” Kade said. “You don’t know how to ride.”

  “We rode dirt bikes as kids when we lived in Texas,” I said.

  Laughter rumbled out of Donovan. “This is my baby, dude.”

  I directed my attention to my brothers. “Hear me out. Dad said riding a motorcycle might help me overcome my fear like Mom has in learning how to shoot guns.”

  My brothers’ eyebrows disappeared into their hairlines.

  “Man, I’ve missed a lot,” Kade said. He hated when he didn’t know what was going on with our parents, especially Mom.

  I grinned briefly before planting on a serious expression. “I have to get on that motorcycle. Otherwise, I’ll never be able to understand Jessie or get over my fear.”

  Kade scratched the back of his head. “I get it. But get on one when you’ve had time to practice.”

  Donovan was pacing. “Your brother is right. You can ride on the back with me.”

  I let out a throaty growl. “I’m not getting on the back. I need to show her I’m not afraid to handle a motorcycle, not hold on to your ugly ass while you cart me over there.”

  “I wouldn’t want my wife to see me holding onto another guy while he chauffeured me,” Kross said.

  “It would certainly break the ice between them,” Kelton said.

  At least two of my brothers were on my side.

  “She would like that,” Donovan relented.

  I set my gaze on Kade, not that I needed his permission. He chewed on the inside of his cheek.

  “Getting on the Harley and riding over to Jessie’s will help me more than anything,” I said. “But me on that Harley will also show Jessie that I do love her no matter what.”

  Kade blinked. “Then I’m following you over to her house.”

  I couldn’t give a shit if they all came.

  After a thirty-minute lesson by Donovan and surprisingly my brother Kross, who had enlightened us that he was thinking of buying a Harley, I took the motorcycle for a spin on the road in front of our house. My nerves were dancing. The nausea in my stomach gurgled. The helmet was constricting. The engine vibrating beneath me was a little intimidating. Yet all I could think about was Mandy’s accident then Jessie’s. I shouldn’t have been thinking like that as I kicked the Harley into gear.

  I had to be diligent in making sure I knew my surroundings, and at the moment, trees banked one side of the road while our lush green lawn banked the other.

  Sweat beaded on my forehead as I traveled toward the dead-end road close to the lake. The more I got the hang of shifting and stopping and keeping the Harley steady, the more I began to peel away the macabre thoughts swimming around in my head that I would end up wrapped around a tree.

  By the time I returned to the top of my driveway where Donovan and my brothers were waiting with apprehension stuck on their faces, I was ready to head over to see Jessie.

  “If you wreck her, you’re buying me a new one,” Donovan said. He didn’t say he would beat my ass, and that was major progress.

  “One important question,” I said. “Is Jessie home?”

  “Her and Lowell were in the shop when I left,” Donovan said.

  Perfect.

  Everyone piled into Kade’s truck, and then I led the way. Once I kicked the Harley into gear, adrenaline rushed through me. The open road, the wind at my face, and the freedom I was experiencing made me realize why Mandy and Jessie loved to ride.

  I let up on the throttle as I slowed to a stop sign.

  Kade beeped before he came up alongside me.

  Kross rolled the passenger window down. “You good?” he yelled.

  I raised my thumb. Better than good.

  As I traveled through the back roads of Ashford, feeling as if I could fly, I realized that I should’ve gotten my ass on a motorcycle long before now. Maybe I could’ve avoided years of depression and feeling as though I would never love again.

  Chapter 28

  Jessie

  The inside of our shop looked as though a tornado had ripped through the place. Lowell, Roxanne, and I were sifting through boxes and parts and segregating the things we wanted to sell. They were actually doing most of the work. I was in one of Lowell’s manual wheelchairs. I’d been home from the hospital all of four days, and while the pain had lessened, I couldn’t stand for longer than fifteen minutes. My doctor had said to walk as much as I could but not to exert myself too much and that it could be well over a month or more until I was fully recovered.

  But the physical pain was mild compared to the hurt, anger, sadness, and confusion over Kody. Night after night, I lay in bed, wide awake, going through our conversation in the tent and trying to understand if we’d rushed into declaring our love for one another. Was it the heat of the moment? Or are we even right for each other? I couldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t be there for me. I knew my accident had had a profound effect on him, which was why, after much deliberation during the last two days, I had decided that I would sell my Ducati. My mom had always said, “Sometimes you have to decide what you want more.” I desperately wanted Kody… if we could manage to work things out.

  Regardless, accident or not, if his words, “You’re mine, Jessie Ryan. I want you. I need you. I am head over heels in love with you,” were true, then he should’ve been at my side no matter what. I wanted to knock some sense into him. But we both needed some breathing room, at least that was what I had told myself as I cried into my pillow every night.

  The Zach Brown Band filled the shop with their song “Roots” until a car drowned out the music. I perked up, hoping I would see Kody. Then my excitement came to an abrupt halt when I spotted Mr. Robinson pulling into the driveway. We’d never had the chance to discuss a contract. But a contract and singing weren’t on my immediate agenda. I couldn’t sing, anyway. I needed my strength and my diaphragm to belt out a song.

  Mr. Robinson stalked in dressed in a suit with his shirt unbuttoned at the collar and no tie. With a folder in his hand, he surveyed the place. “Are you moving?”

  Roxanne blew hair from her eyes, and Lowell spun around in his wheelchair.

  “No. We’re just making some changes,” I said.

  Lowell and I had wavered on whether we had made the right decision to give up on our dad’s dream. Sadly, we didn’t see any way around our financial predicament. Not only that, we were both ready for some changes in our lives. Besides, the money we would earn on selling the inventory would make a nice dent in paying off some of our bills. Then Lowell’s plan was to look for a job where he could work from home or even a close-by office job.

  Roxanne lowered the volume on the radio.

  Mr. Robinson held up the folder. “I wanted to leave this offer letter with you, Jessie. It’s a letter of intent. When you’re ready, we can go over the contract in more detail.”

  Lowell angled his head. “Letter of intent? Are you afraid Jessie might sign with someone else?”

  Mr. Robinson shrugged. “I can’t say I haven’t thought about that. But the letter of intent is standard practice for us until the lawyers can iron out the contract language.” He handed me the folder. “You’ll find a signing bonus in there as well.”

  I placed the folder in my lap as though it held trade secrets.

  Lowell wheeled over to me. “Can I see?”

  No doubt the signing bonus had sparked his curiosity. I had to say, it did mine too. But I didn’t want to come off as a desperate person even though Lowell and I needed the money.

  I lifted my hand, and Lowell tore into the folder. He sucked in a sharp breath as his head jerked up. “For real, Mr. Robinson?”

  One side of Mr. Robinson’s mou
th quirked up.

  Roxanne sidled up to Lowell and read the sheet. Then she covered her mouth with a dirty hand.

  Before I could look, Lowell shoved the paper in my hands. I quickly scanned the document until my eyes landed on the fifty-thousand-dollar figure. I sucked in a breath before I whipped my head up at Mr. Robinson with tears surfacing.

  The famous record producer gave me a radiant smile. “We want you that badly. We also want to get started on recording your first album as soon as you’re able.”

  I lowered my gaze to my lap. I wanted to jump up and down for joy then get in my car, speed over to Kody’s place, and give him a huge hug. Well, maybe more than a hug. I would’ve never had this great opportunity if it weren’t for him. As much as I kept thinking he wasn’t the guy for me, I knew I was kidding myself. I wanted him more than anything in this world. It was time for me to make the first move and at least get some things off my chest with him.

  Roxanne came over to me. “He’ll come around.”

  Lowell bristled. “Is Kody Maxwell part of the deal?”

  Roxanne, who stood in between Lowell and me, swatted at my brother. “Be nice. The man has some issues.”

  Mr. Robinson widened his stance. “This letter of intent is for Jessie only. But Jewel Records will be signing Kody and Jake as part of Jessie’s band. Is that a problem? Is there something you want to tell me, Jessie?”

  I didn’t want to bring Mr. Robinson into the middle of Kody and me. If Kody and I couldn’t work things out on a personal level, then I would find a way to work with him on a professional level, although that would be extremely difficult.

  Before I could answer Mr. Robinson, the familiar ear-piercing sound of a Harley roared into the driveway. I didn’t need to glance out to know that Mack had returned. So I took a closer look at the document. When I read the second word in the first paragraph, Roxanne tapped me on the shoulder.