He stiffens, slowly pulling back. Disappointment fills my heart as he pulls away. He looks sheepish, his eyes shy. He clears his throat. “Are you sure you’re all right? I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have done that if I thought you would—”
His words cut off the moment I subconsciously press a finger against his moving lips. I nearly wince in surprise by my thoughtless action. “I’m fine,” I assure him, while, at the same time, trying to assure myself.
∞
I have nothing, and no one, I think as I stand in the middle of my new home. I’d found an abandoned apartment complex yesterday and have been exploring it since. It’s a dump, but at least I have a bed to sleep on instead of a bench. It will be warmer in here too, where I’m out of reach of the cool air of the night.
I have no suitcase; no clothes; no family—nothing from my old life.
I fall to my knees beside the bed, staring blankly at nothing. I have nothing.
I don’t remember how I got there, but I end up falling and curling up on my side on the floor. I feel like I can’t breathe. The emotions that are curling and exploding inside me are leaving me paralyzed.
It feels like my heart is trying to claw out of my chest as I lie still. Tears stain the old carpet under me. Each perfect drop slowly rolls down my cheek, leaving a damp trail in its wake, before falling and sinking into the carpet.
Alone, my mind is whispering. I am alone.
∞
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Underwater
I look up from the water to find Nathan watching me. I’m sitting at the edge of the pool again. The panic attack has long passed, but I can’t convince myself to get back in.
Water.
Drowning. I tell my thoughts to shut the hell up.
“What?” I ask, suddenly feeling self-conscience. I bite my lip, brushing my hair back behind my ear nervously to give myself something to do with my hands.
He shakes his head, but I can see a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. I want him to tell me what’s on his mind.
I kick, soaking him. He looks up at me through his bangs—which are sticking to his forehead from the weight of the water. I smirk. He grins back before suddenly lunging forward and grabbing my ankle.
He hesitates, glancing up into my eyes with a cautious and questioning look in his own, then pulls me into the water. He’s careful; he doesn’t pull me under, he lets me ease into the water, so I’m standing waist deep.
I splash him. He holds his nose before going under. The next time he comes back up, he’s close. His chest is inches from mine. He brushes the hair from his face, never taking his eyes off me. I stare right back at him, watching the water drip from his hair.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” My eyes drift up to his lips as he speaks. I quickly snap my attention back up to his eyes as I reply, “Sure.”
Neither of us move for a long moment. He stands in front of me, staring at me with such intensity—though playful—that I feel my cheeks darken a shade. Kiss me.
He steps back, his eyes shining the way they normally do when he can guess my thoughts. The look makes my cheeks redden even more. We both move to climb out of the pool then. He beats me to the edge, though, and heaves himself up and out.
He grabs a towel off one of the lounge chairs, throws it over his head and ruffles it. I climb out of the pool after him, looking up just in time to see him pull the towel off his head. His dark, shaggy hair is sticking up in every direction, making him look like some sort of sexy mad scientist. I almost laugh.
He looks at me over his shoulder as he runs a hand through his crazy hair in an attempt to smooth it down. I try to seem unfazed as I reach for my own towel. I’m careful not to look in Nathan’s direction as I dry off. I can feel his eyes on me already, and I don’t want to make things awkward by catching him staring. I fight a smile.
When I don’t feel his eyes on me anymore, I look up to see him slowly making his way back to the house. I hurry to catch up to him.
“What do you want to watch?” he asks as he holds the back door open for me.
With a shrug, I walk through. “Whatever you pick.”
“Oh no,” he objects. “You’re not putting all the pressure on me.”
“But you can put the pressure on me?”
He comes up beside me and flashes me a grin that makes it where I have to remind myself how to breathe. “We can take a look at my awesome movie collection and decide together.”
I nod. “That’s more like it. Takes the pressure off both of us.”
He fakes a dramatic gasp. “She’s catching on.”
I roll my eyes, fighting not to smile. I let him lead the way back to the bedrooms, knowing I’d get lost if I took the lead. He opens the door to his sister’s room. “You can put on whatever you want.” I open my mouth to protest, but he quickly continues before I can make a peep. “I’m sure it would be nice to wear something different for a change, and my sister won’t notice if anything’s missing.” He pauses before adding, “My room is the third on the right.”
I watch him walk down the hall to his room, then speed into his sister’s room before he can catch me staring. I shut the door behind me, gawking unseeingly across the room. The seconds tick by as I continue to stare, my thoughts running wild. When I finally wake from my daze, and my thoughts wander away from Nathan, I start exploring the drawers for something to wear.
I find some comfortable sweatpants and an oversized T-shirt before making my way to Nathan’s room. My whole body buzzes with nervousness as I stand in front of his door. Why am I so nervous? This is stupid. I shake my head, finally bringing myself to knock. He opens the door a second later.
When I look up to meet his eyes, I notice that there is a different look in them. Before he had a fun, amused shimmer in his eyes. Now, his eyes are glowing in the same way they had after he’d kissed me earlier. I could practically taste his lips from just the thought of earlier. Butterflies rise in my stomach, fluttering all around, making my knees feel weak.
The same intensity from when we kissed this afternoon is buzzing through the room. It was undeniable.
He shuts the door behind me after I take a few steps inside. His bedroom looks how I expected any teenage boy’s room to look, but much cleaner. His bed is made, the curtains wide open, allowing the sun to shine through, and not a single stitch of clothing is on the floor. There weren’t even any video games lying on the floor in front of his TV.
I turn to ask him if he’d thrown everything in the closet a second before letting me inside, but my words quickly die in my throat. He’s just standing there with his back against the door, looking at me with his crystal clear, gray-blue eyes. The way he’s looking at me is making me wish I’d put on something more attractive than sweats and a T-shirt.
He strides toward me, boldly taking my head in his hands and kissing me before I even get the chance to blink. His lips are gentler, less urgent than earlier. I stop thinking, marveling in the taste of his lips as they move against mine. My fingers trail up his neck before curling in his dark locks. I part my lips under his to deepen the kiss. He breathes against my lips, murmuring something so quietly that I don’t hear the words but catch them with my lips.
His hands are back where they were when we were in the pool; one against my back, holding me to him with the other cupping the back of my head. He guides me backward until I fall back onto his bed. His lips crash against mine again after a brief separation. His movements are a lot less shy compared to when we were in the pool.
His hands move and dig into my back, caging me against him. I gasp against his lips, trying to take in every bit of him. His hands slide down my waist as I cling to him, not wanting an inch of distance between us.
The way his lips move against mine sends shivers down my back. I forget about everything, pushing back every thought that didn’t involve the boy kissing me. I forget about how his father is planning on tearing down my home. I forget about how much more alone I will
be once that happens. I forget about the memories that have been haunting me for the last year. I even forget about my conflicting thoughts; between living and dying.
All I want to focus on is now.
I want to focus on him. Just Nathan.
Nothing else. Even if just for a little while.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Electric Feeling
I lay my head against his shoulder as he starts the movie, snuggling against him. He tenses in surprise, glancing down at me in wonder before relaxing. Okay, no, maybe I don’t seem like the “snuggly” type, but he was bringing the “snuggly” out of me. I fight a smile when he shifts to put his arm around my shoulders.
After our long make-out session, we sprawled out across his bed to discuss what movie we should watch. I press my lips together, still feeling the weight of his lips. We settled on The Breakfast Club.
“Do you miss your sister when she’s gone?” I ask as the end credits begin to run. The ending of all endings: John Bender on the football field with his fist pumped high in the air. The Breakfast Club has always been one of my favorite movies.
“Yeah. She visits whenever she can, but it’s not the same, you know?”
Not the same. I nod, feeling the familiarity of his words. It wasn’t the same, but I had missed my dad during all those weeks he came home drunk. He wasn’t the same man, father, or husband as he was when he was sober. I find myself talking before I even realize my mouth is moving.
“’It’s better to be alone than to be with someone that makes you feel alone,’” I quote. “Whenever my dad was around, I wanted him gone, or I wanted my mom to finally leave his sorry ass.” I pause, lost in thought. Part of me feels guilty for talking about this now when Nathan had been talking about his sister, but I had to get this out. “He made life harder. He loved his liquor more than us and just couldn’t keep away from it. He couldn’t give it up; not even for us.”
He rolls closer to me, pulling me in. We lay on our sides, facing each other with our heads resting on the same pillow. He doesn’t say anything for a long minute. He just lies beside me quietly as he slowly runs the back of his hand along my arm. It’s a comforting gesture.
“I don’t know much about your family,” he begins when he finally decides to say something, “but—I don’t know how anyone could sentence himself and his entire family to such a fate as drowning—”
“But what if he did,” I interrupt, closing my eyes, as if I couldn’t see, it couldn’t be true. “What if he drove off that damn bridge on purpose?”
“He pushed you out of the car before anything could happen to you; for which I am grateful because otherwise, you wouldn’t be here. I believe it was an accident because…I couldn’t imagine doing such a thing to you.”
I raise a brow, teasingly. “But you could imagine doing it to someone else?”
He half-heartedly rolls his eyes. “I couldn’t imagine doing it to anyone, least of all you because I care about you. So, no, I can’t imagine your own father doing something so awful.”
The sound of his words sends an unknown feeling through me. I can’t name it. I just felt it. “Because I care about you,” this simple sentence is what is making my heart thump, and causing this unknown feeling to course through my veins like an electrifying drug.
He inches closer, pressing his palm against my cheek. My lips part under his touch, my thoughts falling away. I wanted to tell him that I cared about him too, but his lips brushed against mine, and I lost the words.
After kissing my lips one final time, Nathan rolls away. He lies beside me with his arm draped over his head as I try to catch my breath; the pressure of his lips still present. I look over at him to see that his chest is rising and falling with the same hurried pace. I scoot closer to him and run my head up his stomach until I reach his chest, resting my hand above his heart. It pounds frantically underneath my hand. I smile, loving how easily affected he is by me.
He plucks my hand from his chest to bring it to his lips. He kisses the back of my hand, sending my heart into a spiral after it was just beginning to calm down. My eyes find his, and he releases my hand. I place it back above his heart, my eyes not wavering from his. “Do you want to do something?” he asks me in a quiet, rugged voice that makes me want to sigh in content.
I shake my head against his shoulder. “I’m perfect.”
“Would you be mad if I asked you to play a game?” I roll my eyes at him in answer, and he sighs heavily. “Not twenty questions. I want to play something challenging.”
“And what is this challenging game?” I ask.
“Would you rather,” he tells me with a proud smile.
I giggle at his enthusiasm. The sound surprises me. “Fine, but I demand to go first.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He lets me think in silence for a few moments, watching me contemplate my question. “Would you rather be completely invisible for one day or be able to fly for one day?”
“Fly for one day,” he answers without missing a beat.
“Don’t start to think about that for longer than a millisecond?” I tease, before asking, “Why?”
“Why not? I could dress up like Superman and blow everyone’s minds.”
“You’re asking the girl that is terrified of heights why she doesn’t want to fly.”
“So you would choose invisibility?”
“Of course! I could go around scaring people all day. I could pretend to be a ghost and freak out a bunch of people. I’d love to watch people pee themselves for a day.”
“You’re diabolical, but since I would be impersonating Superman for the day, I do believe that it would be my job to stop you.”
I fake a surprised gasp. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“I wouldn’t, but only because it was my job.” He chuckles at my pouty expression. “My turn. Would you rather…” He trails off as he thinks about how to finish the question. “Would you rather know when you’re going to die or how you’re going to die?”
“I would rather know how because I feel like if I knew when I would just fret and worry and think about it constantly.”
“Won’t you think about how you’re going to die too, though? What if you die because a piano lands on you?”
“Then I’ll avoid pianos.”
He stares at me for another heartbeat of a second before snapping out of his trance. “All right. Ask me anything.”
“Would you rather have whatever you are thinking appear above your head for everyone to see or have absolutely everything you do live streamed for everyone to see?”
“Oooh, that’s a good one! You were prepared this time.” I laugh as he starts to deliberate. “I think I’m going to have to go with live-streaming everything I do.”
“Why?”
“I don’t do anything exciting so not a bunch of people would watch my live-streams, but if I have whatever I’m thinking above my head twenty-four seven, everyone can see, and I would be deathly afraid to leave my house.”
I laugh. “You would become a hermit like me.”
“No. You’re a cute hermit. I would end up being a creepy hermit.”
I roll my eyes. “Okay, ask your question now.”
We lie in silence for almost a full minute before he seems to give up with a sigh. “I can’t think of one. Can I look up weird would you rather questions on my phone, or would you consider that cheating?”
I shrug against him. “Go for it.”
He nabs his phone off his nightstand but quickly returns to my side to tuck me against him. I watch as he flips through his phone for a few seconds. When he suddenly erupts into laughter, I stiffen in surprise, gawking at him. “What the heck is so funny?” I ask him. I don’t get my answer until his laughter dies down.
“Would you rather have a clown only you can see that follows you everywhere and just stands silently in a corner watching you without doing or saying anything or have a real life stalker who dresses like the Easter bun
ny that everyone can see?”
He starts laughing all over again after he reads me the question, and I join him. I bury my face in his chest to stifle my laughter. Our laughter doesn’t stop until we’re winded.
He parks on the side of the street so he can walk me down the alley. He wants to make sure I make it to my apartment safely. I find it adorably sweet as we walk side-by-side. He looks so shy, even though we’ve known each other a couple of weeks now, and even though he’d kissed me a while before. What happened to the big-mouthed jerk that wouldn’t leave me alone? What happened to the part of me that wanted him gone? Why is he getting shy around me now?
I conjure up the courage to ask him the last question aloud when we reach the back door of my apartment complex. The alley is very dark, making it difficult to see him even though he’s standing right in front of me. I can’t see his reaction to the question. Is he stiff? Tense? Nervous? What is running through his head?
“Because I’m thinking about doing this,” he answers, bending his head to kiss me. My lips part under his in response. Gosh, he’s a good kisser. The way his hands wrap around me, holding me to him, sends shivers rolling through me. And don’t get me started on how his lips feel against mine. I can describe every feeling and action in detail.
“Sleep well,” he says, barely above a whisper, when he pulls away.
“Goodnight,” I manage to choke out as he jogs down the steps. He looks back at me as he walks away, a soft smile tugging on the corners of his lips. I find it difficult to breathe as I fiddle with the doorknob. When I finally manage to get the door open, I look back at Nathan one last time. His back is to me, his hands in his pockets as he strolls into the darkness.
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