Breaking Benjamin

by Haylee Thorne

  She has definitely got my attention now.

  “How?” I say eagerly.

  “We call Hannah.”

  Hannah is awesome, even though she makes it abundantly clear how upset she is that Ben is hurt. She listens to my side of the story; me telling her everything because, for some reason, I feel like I owe her the entire truth. We are not particularly close, but I have always liked her. She tells me where to find him and makes me promise to make it better. I promise that I will try. She clearly loves her brother-in-law dearly. I ask Raeva if I can borrow the faster-than-lightening car she received for her birthday so I can make it to Drew and Hannah’s place as quickly as possible. She hands me the keys without hesitation, and smiling gratefully, I hug my bestie and thank her.

  “Go get your man.”

  The ride seems to take forever, and of course, it would because it is a pretty long ride. It takes just a little under two hours from Manhattan to the Hamptons, and that is if traffic isn’t crazy. But I am impatient to see him. And, let’s be honest here, patience isn’t one of my strong points. I make good time, though. My mind is racing the entire time. I look ahead and see dark clouds in the distance and idly wonder if it’s a bad omen. The GPS tells me that I’m ten minutes out, which pulls me out of my thoughts and back to reality. It’s only now that I notice I am bouncing my knee like its doing a jig. I feel restless and rake a hand through my hair. I’ve been gripping the steering wheel so tightly that my hands actually hurt. And, like the bad omen I was afraid of, the sky opens up and rain starts to pour down as if the heavens are flooding.

  Great.

  I am grateful when I pull up and see lights on in the house. I park in the driveway and sit in the car for a few minutes, just staring at the front door. Desperately, I try to control my rapid breathing and calm the nerves that have crept up from deep within. I finally get out of the car and brave the pouring rain, trying to minimize the damage. Even though I run as fast as I can, by the time I reach the front door and use the knocker, I am soaked from head to toe.

  After pounding a second time and becoming even more drenched, the door finally swings open and I actually flinch in surprise at his disheveled appearance. I realize instantly that no amount of preparation would have helped to control the array of mixed feelings swirling through me at this very moment in time. The hurt in his expression, the unfamiliar flash of anger that mars those always sparkling eyes of his, is almost too much to bear. Especially knowing that I am the one who caused it.

  “Hi,” I whisper through trembling lips.

  He steps aside and motions for me to come in. “What are you doing here, Jill?”

  “I had to see you. I had to explain.”

  “There really is no need. I think I get it.”

  I sigh. “Ben, you really don’t understand. I—”

  “I am missing a leg, Jill, but there is not a damn thing wrong with my hearing.”

  “Damn it, Ben. Will you just shut up for a second and hear me out?”

  He raises a brow but gestures for me to continue.

  “First, I should have called you back to begin with to thank you for the flowers and to explain my actions. Please believe me when I tell you it had nothing to do with you. This is all me and my fear of letting people in. I swear.” I take a step closer to him and fix my gaze on his. “What you heard those two women say, it was them repeating something I said but in the wrong context. Yes, I told Maria to deal with you regarding business because I didn’t know if I could remain strong in your presence. When she asked me why, I told her that you’ve had enough damaged goods in your life, and that you didn’t need more. And it’s true, Ben. I am broken. You deserve someone so much better than me.”

  Tears are flowing freely down my face, but I continue through my sobbing. “You may be missing a leg, Ben, but you are whole. I don’t give a fuck about your leg. You are more of a man than anyone I have ever encountered. I know that I’ve screwed up, but I didn’t want you thinking that I thought that way about you.”

  He’s silent for a moment and then speaks matter-of-factly. “You shouldn’t have driven here in this weather. What were you thinking?”

  An exasperated chuckle slips through my tears. “I had to see you. I had to try to explain. The thought of hurting you, I can’t accept that. I tried calling, but you wouldn’t answer. So, here I am.” I shrug my shoulders.

  “Yes, speaking of that. How did you find me?”

  “Hannah,” I admit. “But don’t be mad at her. She ripped me a new one before hearing my side.”

  He seems to relax some, because he smiles for the first time since I arrived. “She can be a giant pain in my backside, but I love her,” he tells me with affection in his voice.

  Our gazes meet, and we start to move to one another, like magnets. But then, suddenly, he stills. “We need to get you out of those wet clothes. I’m sure Hannah has something you can fit in to, and you can use the shower in the guest room.” He motions to the stairway. “It’s the second door on the right up there. I’ll leave some clothes on the bed for you.”

  I’m not sure what I was expecting, but I feel a twinge of disappointment. I know I have no right to, since I am the one who ruined any chance of us being together. So, I plaster a smile on my face and thank him before heading to the room he directs me to. I take a quick shower and dry my hair, and when I emerge from the bathroom, I find a pair of jeans and a sweater laying on the bed. Thoughtfully, he also miraculously provided underwear that still has the tags on them. My bra is still soaked so I forgo wearing one. Once I am dressed, I go on the hunt for Ben and find him in the kitchen, making sandwiches.

  “Hey there,” I say, a bit shyly.

  “Hey there, yourself.” He smiles gently at me, those dimples I love so much appearing. “I made us some coffee, and I thought I’d feed us.”

  Ben hands me a plate with a baguette, and I gratefully accept. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelled the food. We head to the breakfast nook and sit. I want to tell him that I was wrong, that I’ve missed him, and that I want us to try to work things out. But before I have a chance to open my mouth, he opens his.

  “I’m glad you came to straighten things out.”

  I smile at him, a glimmer of hope spearing through my heart.

  “I had some time to think before you showed up. I realize that perhaps you were correct all along and that we should have kept things strictly professional between us. I want you to know that what happened with you was special to me, but I think it’s pretty clear that we are probably better off as friends.”

  I feel like he has just punched me in the gut. As quickly as my appetite appeared, it disappears. I take a bite anyway, because I am not sure that I can keep my voice from breaking if I speak right now. So, instead, I chew and nod my head.

  “If you are still interested, we should push ahead with our deal. I don’t want what happened to affect your willingness to work with us.”

  Forcing a smile, I take another bite and nod. “Thank you,” I tell him with the most even tone I can muster up. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces and laying in front of our feet between us. I am not sure how to feel or how to react. All I know is I deserve this, that I was right all along. I knew this would end in heart break, only the culprit wasn’t Ben. It was me.

  By the time we finish eating, the weather seems to have improved, so I inform him that I need to be headed back to the city. I thank him for hearing me out and offer work as my excuse to leave. He doesn’t argue. We hug as we say goodbye, and I inhale his scent one more time before I whisper goodbye and practically stumble to the car and drive away.

  Chapter 10

  As Jill leaves, I close the door behind her and lean my head against the door jamb, fighting an internal battle about chasing after her or letting her go. For once, reason prevails, but it doesn’t stop me from pushing off the frame and moving to the closest window to watch as she slides into the sleek car she arrived in. It’s several minutes befo
re I hear the engine come to life, and I wonder if she’s feeling as much regret as me. The car pulls out of the long drive, but I still don’t look away until I can no longer see the red taillights through the rain.

  I hope I didn’t just make the biggest fucking mistake of my life. I believe every word that fell from her sad pink lips, and I also know without a shadow of a doubt that she feels as much for me as I do for her. But I also know, especially after feeling the darkness begin to creep into my soul yesterday, that I absolutely can’t let that happen again. Opening myself up to her, even just the small fraction I’d allowed so far, made me far more vulnerable than I wanted to be.

  I stand at the window, staring at the rain pouring down, until my stump begins to throb in complaint. I’ve had the damn prosthetic on for way too long and my body has had enough. I tear myself away and decide a visit to the hot tub is in order. Drew was smart enough to build an enclosure around the tub so that it could be used year-round, and I could kiss him right now for his brilliance. No one is here, so I decide to live on the wild side and strip naked instead of finding a suit. I remove my leg when I reach the edge of the tub, sliding my body down into the steaming hot water with a sigh of relief.

  As hard as I try not to let my thoughts wander to Jill, it’s the only place my mind seems to want to be. I know, even in the short time we spent together, that she could have been the one and it’s the first time I’m allowing myself to admit it. Now that she’s gone, of course. I chuff out loud as I think of the old cliché, ‘you’ll know when the right person comes along’ and feel pissed that it’s actually fucking true. “So, why’d you let her go, asshole?” I say it out loud, even though I know there’s no one around to hear it, but maybe to make sure I realize I may have just fucked up royally. I’m a fucking coward for pushing her away instead of putting myself in the line of fire again, but dammit, the thought of any more loss in my life is more than I think I could bear right now. No, I made the right decision. I just need to learn to live with it. I’ll find other women to spend my time with; that has never been a problem for me. I blow out a long breath, lean my head back, and force myself to push her out of my conscience.

  I’ve been back in the city for the last two days and know a visit to Drew and Hannah’s is overdue, so I find myself leaving my loft and walking one block down to their place. Yeah, it’s convenient having them so close, and nice. Knowing I have loving people only a few doorsteps away provides a comfort to me that I truly cherish. I make my way through the lobby and into the elevator, the doorman nodding a friendly greeting at me as I pass. I punch the button for their place, wait until the doors slide back open when the elevator stops, and exit onto their floor.

  They own the two top floors of the building. But, I mean, hey, they already have two kids and it wouldn’t surprise me if they popped out a few more, so the space definitely seems to be a requirement for them. I knock on the door and wait for someone to answer.

  The door swings open a minute later, and seeing no one at eye level, I shift my gaze lower to find my spunky little niece smiling up at me. “Uncle Benny!” She doesn’t hesitate to run and hop up into my arms, her little hands wrapping around my neck to hug me tight.

  She pulls back after a moment and scrunches her face up at me, one little finger moving to point at me in a scolding motion. “Where have you been, Uncle Benny? You haven’t come to see me in over a week!”

  I lean over and pretend to bite her finger, which causes her to screech and clutch onto me tighter as giggles ensue. I place a few kisses on the top of her curly blonde locks and then give her my most practiced puppy dog look. “Sorry, Gracie. I went out of town for a few days.”

  Her head bobs up and down knowingly. “Uh-huh. Mommy said you were getting your head screwed back on.” She leans over, cupping her small hand around my ear, and whispers into it. “But I don’t think I was supposed to hear that.”

  One side of my mouth cocks up into a half-smile as I whisper back, “That can just be our little secret then, okay?” Her head bobs up in down in silent agreement, her brown eyes wide with relief. “Where are Mommy and Daddy?”

  Grace is actually Hannah’s child with her first husband, my friend Jackson, who I served alongside with overseas. He was killed in action shortly after I lost my leg, and unfortunately, never got to raise this beautiful baby girl. Drew married Hannah a little over a year ago and, shortly after, adopted Gracie as his own. As I look down at her adoringly, I think she may be the most beautiful creature on this planet, except for Jill of course.

  I stop in my steps as I realize she’s managed to creep back into my thoughts and silently curse myself. “Whattsa matter, Uncle Benny?” How are kids so damn intuitive?

  I plop another kiss down on her head and smile down at her. “Not a thing, funny face. So, where’s Mommy and Daddy?”

  “Mommy is giving Brody a bath ‘cause he pooped all over himself. It was so gross! You should have seen it, Uncle Benny. I thought Mommy was going to throw up!” She throws a hand over her mouth to try and contain her giggles.

  “I think I’m glad I didn’t, thank you very much!” I ruffle her hair and head toward the kitchen area. “And Daddy?”

  “He’s not home yet.” Her mouth turns down in a little frown. She’s got my brother wrapped around her little finger, and I’m sure that when he is home, she’s probably got him playing dolls, or having tea parties, or whatever it is six-year-old girls do.

  “Well, I guess it’s a very good thing I came over then, isn’t it?” I sit her down on the kitchen island and slide onto the stool next to her. I glance at my watch to check the time and then back at her. “Have you had dinner yet?”

  “Nope.” Her blond curls fly back and forth with each shake of her head. “Mommy said after Brody’s bath.”

  “Well, why don’t I make you something then? Grilled cheese sound okay?” I stand and wait for her response.

  “Yes!” She claps her hands gleefully and bounces on the counter. “Can I help, Uncle Benny?”

  I lower myself so that my face is even with hers and speak softly. “Yes, but only if you stop calling me Uncle Benny and just call me Uncle Ben.”

  Her brows furrow as her eyes squint in thought. Her tiny hands reach out, and she places one of each side of my stubbly cheeks, holding my face in place before speaking to me in a most serious tone. “But Daddy said you love being called Uncle Benny.”

  I laugh heartily, causing her to jump in surprise, a look of confusion on her face. “Your daddy is a trouble-maker, that’s what he is, Gracie!”

  She frowns as if this can’t possibly be the case and then turns her head and smiles brightly as her mother enters the room. “Who’s a troublemaker?”

  “Uncle Benny said Daddy is! Does that mean he’s in trouble, Mommy?” Her eyes shoot back and forth between Hannah and I, waiting for an answer.

  Hannah’s brow arches high as she shakes her head. “If Uncle Benny isn’t careful, he’s the one that’s going to be in trouble.”

  I laugh out loud and then walk over and kiss her on the cheek in greeting. “Hey, Hannah.” She gives me a quick hug and a gentle smile as she returns my greeting. “I was just going to make the doodlebug here a grilled cheese.”

  Her eyes open wide and turn toward her daughter. “Grace Rose Sapphire, you had a grilled cheese for lunch and for dinner last night, too. You’re going to turn into a grilled cheese sandwich if you aren’t careful.”

  “But, Mommy, I like them.” She lifts her shoulders and blinks rapidly like this should be the most obvious thing ever and not a problem at all.

  Hannah walks over, pecks a kiss on Grace’s nose, and then lowers her to the floor. “I’ll make you dinner. Go play for a little bit and I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”

  “Okay, Mommy.” She smiles and waves at us both before skipping out of the room.

  Hannah turns to look at me and offers me a small smile. “You doing okay?”

  I nod. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good.” I
pace around her and move to sit back on the stool I occupied earlier. “Thank you, by the way.”

  She tilts her head, one brow raised in question. “For?”

  “Cleaning my loft. Changing the sheets.” I look down and fidget with a fork sitting on the counter. “I appreciated coming home to…” I look up at her again and shrug. “Well, you know.”

  Her hand falls over mine and squeezes gently. “We’re family, Ben. We do what we can for each other, even if it doesn’t seem like very much at all.”

  I look up into her soft caramel eyes and smile warmly. “My brother sure got lucky when he found you.”

  She shakes her head and laughs. “Well, technically, he bought me, but we won’t go there tonight.”

  I chuckle. “Do you happen to know if there’s another one like you there I could maybe look into buying?”

  Her eyes darken and her smile disappears. “I think, Ben, that you may have already found what you’re looking for. Maybe you just need to give it another chance?”

  “Hannah, I love you, but I don’t want to go there right now, okay? I came over here to try to get her off my mind. So, let’s just drop it, okay?”

  She sighs. “Fine, but I just want to say one thing.”

  I look at her, exasperation in my voice. “Do I have a choice here?”

  “Not really.” She shrugs like I just need to deal with it. “I just want you to know that I was at the spa the other day and saw Jill. She looked miserable, maybe even sadder than you.”

  “Hannah—” I try to interrupt her, but she slaps her hand over my mouth to shut me up.

  “Quiet. I’m almost done.” I nod and she removes her hand. “All I was going to say is that it doesn’t make sense to me that two people who are so miserable apart should stay that way when they so obviously don’t want to be.”

  I stare at her, my expression blank, and wait to see if she has anything else to add. If she slaps her hand over my mouth again, I may snap. When she remains quiet, I speak. “You done?”