A Little Lost

by Burnett, R. S

  “Lou is that you baby girl?” he whispers but it comes out croaked.

  “I’m here, I love you” I sniff, he starts going blurry so I wipe my eyes quickly only letting go of him with one hand.

  “I love you too” he whispers back turning his head to me.

  “I want to you to stay with me. Please don’t leave me” My voice cracks and I have to take a deep breath to get it under control “What am I going to do without you daddy, I don’t want to be alone” Can’t he see I’m not strong enough for this? Why is this happening to me again? “I need you” I squeeze him tighter but loosen my hold when he winces slightly.

  “You’re not alone Loulou. You say you’re not my baby girl anymore; you don’t need me as much as I think you do. You have someone else that loves you now”

  “I don’t want him, I want you” I cry unreasonably but I don’t care. “Please dad, get better, you can fight this, I’ll help you. We can beat it together”

  “Baby, it’s too late” he moves his head slightly and when I see the tear roll down his cheek I know it’s to try and hide that he’s crying.

  “It’s never too late” I look around the room but there is no one else here but Kyle “I need you, I need you there to give me away when I get married, I need you there to meet my babies, daddy I need you”

  “You’re breaking my heart honey” he whispers when I wipe his tears away.

  “I’m sorry but without you I’m lost”

  “You’ll find your way” he takes a deep breath and I notice he’s fighting to keep his eyes open “if you follow that big heart of yours, you’ll find your way”

  “I thought you said I didn’t have a heart” I whisper to him keeping an eye on the machine next to his bed.

  “I think you’re getting it back” he attempts to smile at me but it comes out wonky, I squeeze his hand trying to keep him with me “he loves you” he whispers to me.

  “I don’t care” I shake my head at him.

  “You do” he pushes his eyes open fully again and turns his head slightly “Son, I want that spark back in her eyes”

  “You can count on it, sir” Kyle says quietly nodding at him.

  “I want you to remember and never forget that your mother and I loved you more than life itself and I’m so proud of you. Always remember that”

  “I love you more” the panic in my voice is clear when he closes his eyes and smiles to himself, the machine next to him start slowing and a nurse comes rushing in.

  “Impossible” he whispers and then the machine flat lines.

  I don’t know what happens after that, I think I scream but I can’t be sure. I’m moved out of the way and there’s a lot of movement in the room, people are shouting things to each other and machines are being pulled around and plugged in, they’re touching my dad and talking quickly. I watch from the corner of the room as a nurse pulls the covers up over my fathers face. My world just blew up in flames. There’s nothing left. No light, no heat, no signs of life just the cold and complete darkness.

  I’m not even crying anymore, I’m shaking and breathing but nothing else. I lower myself to the floor and curl my feet up under me leaning against the wall, still looking at the outline of my dad in his bed. From here it’s just as if he’s sleeping. The nurse says something to Kyle and then leaves the room, when she returns a couple of men are with her and they have a stretcher. I watch as they move him off his bed, on to the stretcher and carry him away. Everyone leaves the room so I stand and get into the bed curling on my side. For the first time in my life, I have nothing, no one and this is how it’s going to be from now on. Sure I have friends and I have Chris but nothing’s forever, not like family. My phone vibrates but I ignore it. A few minutes later the house phone rings, I ignore that too. I can hear voices in the house but I don’t listen to what they are saying, I can’t its like every word is just blurred into one.

  “Ummm … I think she’s asleep” I hear Kyle’s voice when he walks into the room but I make no attempt to move.

  “I’m awake” I tell him with my back to him.

  He put the phone in front of my face and I lift it to my ear.

  “Hello”

  “Lou, what’s going on over there and why is Kyle there with you?” Chris shouts at me through the phone.

  “My world just ended” I say flatly and hang up on him before I take the batteries out of it.

  “I’m sorry, I only answered it because I thought it was going to be the hospital or something” he says behind me.

  “Doesn’t matter … nothing matters, not anymore”

  “Lou, your dad wouldn’t want this” he sighs, still standing somewhere in the room.

  I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of my dad “Don’t you understand Kyle? You don’t always get what you want” I tell him thinking of all the things missing from my life.

  “No but I’m starting to” I hear him say softly as he leaves the room.

  The doorbell rings and I hold back a sigh wondering if I can just pretend to be asleep. I really don’t any visitors and it’s probably going to be Chris because he’s the only person I have spoken to. My phone vibrates underneath me and I answer it knowing that whoever it is will just keep ringing until I do.

  “What” I ask not worried about being polite.

  “Do you want me to come over?” Chris asks me; my thoughts drift to who it could have been at the door.

  “No I’m just going to sleep here. There’s nothing that you can do now”

  “Louise, don’t shut yourself off again” I know he’s referring to last year when my mum died but I make a noncommittal noise “Why are you doing this?”

  “I’m not doing anything”

  “You’re holding back, you won’t let me in” he insists.

  “I have nothing to give you” I tell him but I sound bored even to my own ears.

  “You gave me your heart, let me look after it”

  “Sorry, I don’t have a heart” I hang up on him and turn the phone off sure that he wont attempt to come over now.

  “Well that was the biggest lie I’ve ever heard” the voice comes from the doorway and it all makes sense now.

  “I’m going to be fine, I’m glad Kyle called you, I’m not alone and I have a million reasons to live” I say sitting up “There now you’ve heard a lot of lies”

  “And don’t believe a single one”

  “What do you want Mason? You shouldn’t be here, no one should”

  I walk passed him out of the room knowing that he will be harder to get rid of than Chris.

  “You bet your ass I should be here” he says following me down the stairs and into the kitchen. I flick the kettle on but he turns it off and gets a bottle down from the shelf over the fridge.

  “Tell me what you want” he says filling four glasses, I frown at the fourth but don’t give it any more thought as I think about his question.

  “I want to know why” I admit.

  “Why what?” he asks handing me a glass and sitting opposite me.

  “Why me? What did I do to deserve to be punished so cruelly?” I drain my drink in one and he refills it.

  “The tragedies in your life aren’t a reflection on you” he shakes his head at me “What else?”

  “I want everything that I can’t have” I sigh draining my drink again which he fills up once more with his own.

  “You can have whatever you want”

  “Okay so tell me, how do I go back in time and answer my phone when my father called me before he pushed his emergency button? The one night I don’t stay with him, he phoned me, he needed me and I didn’t answer my damn my phone” I shake my head “I let him down, I should have been here with him”

  “And then what? You couldn’t have changed anything”

  “Maybe not but I could have tried, maybe if I was here the nurses would have got here sooner and … it could have been different” I whisper the last part and he squeezes my hand.

  “You
aren’t going to achieve anything by beating yourself up about it”

  “Umm Chris is here” Kyle says for the doorway.

  “Do you want us to go?” Mason asks me looking back at Kyle.

  “No, please stay. I can’t … he … I don’t …” I don’t know what I’m trying to say but I think he understands because he squeezes my hand again.

  “I know” he smiles at me “let him in Kyle”

  “Who’s the fourth glass for?” I ask nodding at where they sit on the counter to distract us from the angry words being exchanged outside the room.

  “Amber noticed Kyle wasn’t in bed and followed me over here” he sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

  “Oh” is all I can think to reply.

  “Yeah, I’m willing to bet yours isn’t the only life that’s a mess right now”

  I don’t have time to reply to that because Chris comes into the kitchen, looking angry followed by Kyle who looks upset.

  “I thought I told you not to come” Is all I can think to say to him and regret it when Mason winces.

  “I thought I told you not to do this” he replies and I regret regretting what I just said.

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to come home and I want to know why you left in the first place” he says sending Kyle an accusing look.

  “I went for a walk, I needed fresh air, as you can see I’m having a pretty hard time right now and have been for the last few months”

  “That doesn’t explain why he’s here” he says pointing to Kyle.

  “I was wondering the same thing” Amber says joining Kyle in the doorway looking at him to explain. He opens his mouth but I speak before he can.

  “I called him” I lie and everyone turns to me “I was out walking and when you phoned me Chris, I panicked and called Kyle, I know I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. Chris I should have called you but I guess because he’d known my dad so many years that I thought he may be able to help, I’m sorry. Amber I’m sorry for using Kyle to fall back on, I knew as soon as I said I need help with my dad he would come, no questions asked. I shouldn’t have done it and I’m sorry for interrupting your night”

  “Oh ... um of course not” Amber says quietly.

  “Are you coming home?” Chris asks me.

  “No, I want to stay here …alone” I shake my head at him.

  “We should get back as well” Amber says to Kyle.

  “Dad?” Kyle asks looking a bit lost.

  “Take Amber home; come back for me when she’s settled in. I want to speak to Louise” he smiles and we watch the three of them leave.

  “You just lied for my son didn’t you?” he asks when we are alone again. I shrug and pick up the two other glasses passing him one.

  “Everyone, including my wife thinks you’re trying to end their relationship but I just watched you single-handedly save it, why?” he asks looking at me over his glass.

  “Your son broke my heart; I don’t want him to break hers too. Trust me it’s something a girl never gets over” I sigh downing my drink and pouring another hoping I can just get drunk enough to pass out for a few days.

  “I’d love to know what the hell he was thinking when he left you” he shakes his head “Why where you with him tonight, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  “I don’t know, he never did say what he wanted”

  “To tell you the truth dear, I don’t think he knows what he wants anymore”

  “I love Chris and I’m really happy with him but my dad really messed with my head a few days ago”

  “Does this have something to do with you not having a heart?” he asks smiling.

  “Yeah, he asked if I loved Chris with all my heart and when I said yes he said it was impossible because I can’t give him something I no longer have”

  “I’ve said the same to Kyle” he shakes his head no longer smiling but looking frustrated “Once you’ve given your heart so completely to someone, they own it, you can’t give it to anyone else”

  “You’re just as frustrating as he was” I grumble making him chuckle.

  “And you’re just as stubborn as he was”

  We both hear a car outside signaling Kyle’s return, I walk him out and he pauses on the doorstep.

  “I know you’ll deal with this in your own way but can you promise me one thing?” he asks pulling me into a hug.

  “Anything” I whisper in his ear returning the hug and squeezing him, knowing I’ll never get to hug my own father again.

  “If you need anything, at any time, no matter how big or small call me, you’re not alone.”

  He doesn’t let me go until I agree and I watch them both drive away before I return to the empty house, knowing that nothing is ever going to be the same again.

  1

  BOOK TITLE

  Six: The lost girl

  The next few days pass in a blur, I don’t take any calls, I ignore the door when someone rings the doorbell. My sleep pattern is completely messed up. I sleep through most of the days and wander from room to room in the nights. I can’t remember the last time I ate proper meal. I’m surviving on variations of whiskey and coffee, sometimes together. When I feel myself getting light headed I eat something simple, like chocolate. I spend a lot of time in my old bedroom, looking through childhood photos and old school books.

  Sometime I laugh, when I’m walking around at night I can imagine different conversations around the house. Sometimes I cry, when I think about all the things that we’ll never do as a family again. No more birthdays or Christmas’s. Thinking about the funeral is hard, I’m not sure I have the strength to go, let alone arrange it. Some days are good, some are bad, the bad have started out numbering the good but I’m okay with that.

  Today is a good day. I’ve opened the curtains for the first time in about a week. As disgusting as it is I showered this morning for the first time in about a week too. I haven’t gotten dressed though, I’m not walking around naked or anything, I do have the curtains open after all, I just didn’t get any further than putting on a bath robe. I’ve run out of coffee too. I had to go into the cellar to get more whiskey. That was hard, I’ve never liked it down there but I’m not ready to go outside yet, I can’t even face opening a window. One step at a time, that’s what I keep telling myself every time I do something new.

  At the moment I’m doing what I spend hours doing everyday. I’ve taken down the big mirror off the wall above the fireplace and it now rests on the floor with me sat in front of it. Have you ever spent so much time staring at yourself in the mirror that you disappear? That’s what has happened to me, I think that’s it anyway because when I look in the mirror trying to see me, I can’t find anyone but the pale, lost girl. I shout at her sometime asking who she is. She never answers. That’s when I get frustrated like now. She’s just sitting there staring back at me, she looks kind of familiar but she has no purpose. It’s like looking at a ghost. I hate them, that’s why I always hit her. Normally I kick her but today I punch her. Five times.

  There’s blood splattered on the mirror now but she’s still just sat there, broken.

  I watch dazed for a few minutes as the blood drips from my hands. I hold them up to the light and wiggle my fingers, I can see it sparkling. Glass in it probably. I’m tempted to just see how long it takes to bleed out but I know that won’t solve anything so I reach for the phone. I should go to the hospital but that would mean going out. It takes a few attempts for me to hit the right buttons but I smile triumphantly and flip the bird to the girl in the mirror when it starts ringing in my ear.

  “Hello?”

  “Mason, I’m sorry to call and all but, I’ve had an accident”

  “Louise?” I can tell from his voice that he frowning and I crawl to the mirror frowning in it and pushing my lips up like he does.

  This makes me laugh. “You’re frowning”

  “What kind of accident?” he asks ignoring me.

  “Punched th
e lost girl, she wouldn’t go away” I mumble tilting my head at the girl “She still wont go away”

  “What girl, are you drunk?” he asks.

  “I don’t think I was ever sober” I tell him honestly.

  “What girl?” he asks in his frowny voice again.

  “Oh its okay, she’s not real. She’s a ghost, but the glass is broken now and there’s lots of blood”

  “Do you need to go to the hospital?” he asks but I’m not longer listening.

  “You know there was no blood at all when my mum and dad died. Isn’t that strange, when I think of death I think of blood” I ponder aloud.

  “I’ll be there in a minute”

  “He’ll be here in a minute, don’t make a noise and be nice” I warn the lost girl narrowing my eyes at her. “You made me do this” I shake my head at her, she never learns “I just want to be on my own and you just keep following me around” I don’t think she has a family, if she did she wouldn’t want to spend so much time with me. I suddenly regret hurting her now, she has no one. We can be two lost girls together. “I don’t have a family either so I know how you’re feeling right now. But it’s okay everyone tells me it will get better and you’ll be fine. I know it sounds like a load of bullshit but I’ll help you through it” my conversation is cut short when someone knocks the window, I swipe some hair out of my face and look up to see Mason staring at me open mouthed. I wave to him with my now bright red hand. He turns to shout to someone so I get up to open the door, staying inside the house on the doorstep.

  “She needs a hospital” I hear him calling out.

  “I won’t go” I call back and turn to wave to Amber who just gasps and takes a few steps back into her car. I start shutting the door, not wanting to go out but Mason stops it with his foot. “I’m not leaving here” I tell him shaking my head and pushing the door but it doesn’t budge against his weight.

  “Fine” he mutters and walks to Amber in her car he says something to her and she nods then drives off.