“Will you let me in?” he asks making his way to me.
“Who are you with?” I ask looking around.
“Just me and Kyle” he says slowly and Kyle comes around the corner but stops when he sees me.
“You’re not going to make me leave are you?” I ask narrowing my eyes on them.
“No we won’t. I promise, just let me take a look at where you’re hurt” Mason says using his soothing voice.
“Okay fine but be nice, she doesn’t have any family either and she needs me to help her get through it. I told her like you told me, she will be okay it just takes time”
“Who is she talking about?” I hear Kyle asks his dad and roll my eyes when Mason shrugs.
“The lost girl”
“Put the kettle on” he tells Kyle.
“No coffee, ran out three days ago. Only have whiskey or wine” I shrug at them both leading them into the kitchen.
“How much have you dru…” Kyle starts but trails off when we reach the kitchen.
“Guess that’s your answer” Mason points out looking disapprovingly at all the empty bottles sat on my kitchen table.
“Where are you hurt?” he asks turning his attention back to me.
“Just here” I say holding up my hands.
“Doesn’t it hurt?” Kyle asks looking at my hands horrified.
“Not really, I don’t feel anything any more” I shrug.
“Come here” I follow Mason over to the sink and he holds both my hands under the running water, once the blood starts washing away my cuts become clear. Some are deep; some are just on the surface.
“You’re going to need stitches and there glass in these cuts” he sighs inspecting my hand “You sure cut yourself up good”
“I know I’m sorry for it though, she’s so lonely. I didn’t know she had no one else”
“Who?” Kyle asks me once again.
“In the front room, be nice though!” I point to the room with my head.
“What are we going to do with you honey?” Mason asks me quietly wiping my face with a wet cloth. “I’m glad you called me though”
“Jesus! What the fuck!” Kyle shouts from the front room.
I run away from Mason “Don’t touch her!” I shout back fully prepared to fight him.
“Did you do this?” he asks gesturing to the room with both his hands, I sweep my eyes over the room and there must be about seven broken mirrors scattered around the place.
“She kept following me” I tell him.
“Who? Show me” he says taking a step towards me. I walk over the on the wall that’s not broken and he stands next to me.
“See?” I ask pointing to the lost girl “she’s so lonely, look how sad she is, poor baby” I stroke her cheek then turn back to Kyle “She never talks back to me though, just stares at me, lost girl”
“You told me it would be fine to leave her on her own. You promised me she would be okay” he says turning to Mason.
“It wasn’t like this last year, she just locked herself away for a few days and then she was fine, back to normal as if nothing happened” he says looking at me sadly.
“Well it’s been a week and she’s not back to normal. I knew we shouldn’t have left her to get through this on her own” they carry on talking as if I’m not here.
“What do you want me to do? Move in with her? Or do you plan on moving in here with your fiancée?” Mason shouts at him.
“I don’t know” Kyle shouts back at him and kicks the door making me jump back “I have to do something though!”
“It’s ok” I try to reassure them “Today’s a good day” I smile over to Mason so he can see that I’m getting better but he just winces.
“You hear that? This is a fucking good day!” Kyle screams.
“You’re mother’s here, stop shouting!” Mason says looking at the window.
“Oh shit, hide!” I cry grabbing blankets and throwing them over the mirrors “The Ice Queen will make you cry” I whisper.
“What are you doing?” Mason asks laughing slightly.
“The Ice Queen will make all the lost girls cry” I tell him rolling my eyes because he’s making me repeat myself.
Anne and Amber walk into the room and I turn and smile at them “Sir … madam … ice … miss … shit … hello Anne” I offer a weak smile and glare at Kyle and Mason who snort at my mistakes.
“What’s going on here?” she asks looking around the room.
“Long story” Mason tells her and ushers us all into the kitchen.
Amber moves the bottles and puts them in the recycling bin while Mason puts me in a seat.
“Show Anne your cuts dear” he says sitting on one side of me and Anne sits on the other pulling a first aid kit out of her handbag.
“You’re going to let her stick a needle in me?” I ask him as if he’s crazy.
“It’ll be fine Lou, I won’t hurt you I promise” she says smiling at me, this is a change from the last time I seen her.
“I’ve been promised that by some of your family before, excuse me if I don’t believe you” I narrow my eyes at her. She moves her eyes away from mine and takes out some stuff then starts fussing with my hand.
“When was the last time you ate?” Kyle asks me.
“I had chocolate earlier” I answer remembering the caramel melting in my mouth, my stomach rumbles.
“When was the last time you ate a meal?” he tries again.
“Day before the children’s fundraiser party” I reply watching the muscle in his jaw move.
“Have you thought about the funeral yet?” Anne asks me not looking up from where she’s removing glass from my hand.
“No, I was going to do it today and my dad solicitor keeps leaving messages about his will”
“Do you need any help with it?” she asks taking me surprise.
“Really?” I ask not believing her.
She stops what she’s doing and looks up at me “Of course, I’d love to help you. No one expects you to do it on your own”
“I would like that” I nod at her and feel the tears forming in my eyes “I didn’t know how I was going to do it all, I don’t even know where to start” I whisper to her.
“Whenever your ready just let me know” she smiles at me and returns her attention to my hands.
“Why does she think she’s on her own all of a sudden? Where’s Chris?” Kyle asks the last question to me.
“Umm … he said that …” How can I say that he said if I need anything I shouldn’t call him but I should call up my ex boyfriend. “He needed some space” I look away and my eyes meet Mason’s he shakes his head at me.
“You’ve just lost your dad and he leaves you?” he shouts making Anne jump and poke me with the needle.
“Sorry” she mutters and glares at Kyle.
My eyes start getting heavy so I rest my head on Masons shoulder.
Being jostled about wakes me. When I look up I see the familiar swirling vortex of silver and blue that make up Kyle’s eyes.
“Hey” I whisper.
“It’s going to be okay now Lou, I’ve got you” he smiles at me.
He lowers us both down so we’re led on a bed and wraps his arms around me, pulling me in close.
“I don’t want to be lost anymore Kyle”
“You’re not lost babe, I’ve got you. We’ll find the way together okay” he smooth’s my hair back from my head.
“It hurts” I pull back so I can look at him “It hurts so bad .. and it never stops”
“Shhh... I’ll make it better” he whispers.
My eyes start feeling heavy again “I don’t think you can. It hurts but there’s nothing there anymore” I pull his hand up to my chest over my heart “Can you feel it?”
“Feel what honey?”
“Nothing ... it’s empty. It hurts because there’s nothing left anymore” A sob works it way up my throat “What am I going to do? There’s nothing left. Why am I still here? Why can�
��t I go too?”
“Go where?”
I feel the tears running down my cheeks “Wherever my mom and dad are. I don’t want to be left here on my own anymore, it’s so lonely. They should have taken me with them. If they loved me they would let me go too”
“Lou, babe you’re scaring me now” he wipes away some tears away with him thumbs.
“I tried, I hoped that if I drank enough I’d pass out and just fade away” I admit.
“You can’t go, not yet. People need you here”
“No one needs me” I yawn.
“I need you”
“You don’t need me. I wish I was strong like you Kyle. You know what you want and you get it. I can’t do this anymore”
“Shhh ... sleep now. We’ll talk in the morning”
My eyes close slowly and I feel the light brush of his lips against my own.
“You’re wrong, if I got what I wanted, I’d have you” I think I hear him say but sleep takes over before it fully registers.
1
BOOK TITLE
Seven : You were naked
When I wake up I’m in my old bed. I wince when I lift my head off the pillow and pain shoots through it.
“Shit” I say to my room and make my way downstairs. I can hear someone speaking in my front from so I pause at the stairs listening.
“I don’t know” I Kyle’s voices drifts up to me. “I just need some time … I told you I don’t know, I need to be here … She needs me … I’m sorry … I can’t, I don’t know anymore”
I continue my path down the stairs and try to make as much noise as I can so he knows he’s not alone anymore. I can smell coffee so I follow the scent into the kitchen. I’m surprised to see that someone had cleaned and apparently restocked the kitchen judging from the bowl of fresh fruit on the table and the full jug of coffee in the machine. I practically run over to the machine and pour myself a cup not bothering to wait for it to cool down before I take a sip.
“Shit, shit, shit” I mutter with my tongue poking out so it comes out like ‘phit’ and bend so I can run my tongue under the cold water. Once it has gone numb I pull it away and turn to the fridge to get the cream. Kyle is stood in the doorway watching me with an amused, knowing look on his face.
“Whatever” I grumble and pull a mug down for him.
“How’d you take it?” I ask looking up at him but when he just raises and eye brow at me I make it like I used to. Cream one sugar, same as me.
“How are you feeling?” He asks taking his drink and sitting at the table.
“Well there’s a loaded question” I tell the cupboards on my search for some aspirin. “Let’s just say that I’m tempted to add something to my coffee to ease the pain in my head” I sigh happily when I find the pills and settle into the chair opposite him.
“And that would be why you have the headache in the first place”
“True” I nod at him taking the pills “But it also makes the other stuff go away. I’d rather have another headache than risk feeling real pain again”
“Tell me about it”
“Tell you about what?”
“Tell me what that feeling is that you’re hiding from” he says it as if he just asking me to read the scores out to him.
“Why?” I ask frowning at him.
“Because I want to understand” he shrugs watching me over his mug just like his dad does sometimes.
I take a deep breath and look at him, really look at him. Could he handle it? I bet he’d be stronger than me. He’d handle this better than I am.
“It’s … Have you ever had your heart broken?” I ask not sure how to put it into words, he nods at me and continues watching me “Well imagine that pain but a hundred times worse. When someone breaks your heart it’s still there and there’s always a chance that someone different can come along and put it back together for you. Or you just get by and bit by bit you put it back together yourself. But when someone who you love unconditionally dies, you’re heart doesn’t break into a hundred pieces, it breaks into two, one big, one small and one of those parts that person takes with them. You’re never going to get it back because you will never get them back and you know this, so not only have you lost a vital part of you. You loose something a person never should, you loose hope. How can you carry on and pull yourself back together when there is no hope that you’re going to come through at the end” I pause to take a drink of my coffee and shake my head still not satisfied that I’ve explained it properly “I can’t tell you how it feels, but I know you can see it. Every time I walk passed a mirror I can see it in my eyes. There’s nothing left, when you loose hope you loose everything. That’s what I’m hiding from”
“So you’re just giving up?” He asks shaking his head sadly I just shrug. “No you just think you’re giving up”
“What do you mean?”
“You haven’t lost hope Lou, can’t you see that? Okay so you looked in a few mirrors and didn’t like what was staring back at you, but what did you do? Did you walk away not caring anymore? No, you know what you did? You broke that mirror. You know what that tells me? It tells me that you’re fighting it, you’re not giving up yet, you broke those mirrors to get rid of that picture you refuse to believe is you. You don’t want to give up and just fade away. You want to find that light again”
“I can’t it’s too late” I don’t want to believe him, I can’t.
“What would you say to Cat if it was her father that died and she was wandering around with no purpose?” he asks taking on that determined expression that I used to be so familiar with.
“I would tell her that if he could see her now he’d be telling her to get her act together. I’d tell her that she has a husband who loves her and its killing him to see her like this. I’d tell her to take that love that her dad no longer needs and give it someone else” I sigh knowing where this is going.
“And what do you think you’re dad would say to you if he could see you now?” he asks smiling when I roll my eyes.
“He wouldn’t speak to me for starters”
“Any whys that?” he’s smirking now.
I clear my throat and adopt my dad’s voice and accent “If you’re not going to act like my daughter then you aren’t her so get out of my sight and don’t come back until you’ve found my baby girl Loulou”
“And what would you say to him?”
“But daddy it is me, I’m just a little bit different now and if you don’t like it then get out of my sight until you learn to live with it” I laugh back into my voice now.
“You were just as stubborn as each other” he laughs with me.
“I know but he always had the last word, even when he was dying he had the last word, don’t tell me you missed that?” I shake my head smiling as I remember it.
“Yeah he was even smiling, probably knew what he was doing”
“Couldn’t let me have the last word just once. We used to argue all the time after my mum died. He never wanted to do anything. Wouldn’t even leave the house, I had to drag him out. I’d wait until the middle of the night and sneak outside” I laugh when the memories flash through my mind like it was yesterday “I’d go out the back so I was outside his bedroom window and scream, I’d scream so loud. He would come running out in his old pajamas and I’d run away from him screaming for him to come see. When he’d finally get down to the beach I’d be led in the sand. He’d ask what was wrong and I’d turn to him and smile then say ‘look daddy, the stars still come out, one of them is mum and she wants to say hello’ The look on his face when he’d look at me and then up at the stars, that was the most amazing thing in the world, to see that peace on his face and the raw show of love. That’s what life is all about. Of course when we got back to the house he’d shout at me for about an hour about me giving him a heart attack. I did it every night for two weeks and then on that fifteenth night I heard the door open and watched him walk down the beach on his own. He sat there for the longest time ju
st looking the stars and talking to my mum. I stayed far back where he couldn’t see me watching him. The next day he was back to being my daddy again”
If I close my eyes I can still see the moment it all changed for him, when that peace settled over him and that light came back on in his eyes. “I’m scared” I whisper keeping my eyes closed “I helped him with that but I’m scared because I want to be able to do it on my own but I know I can’t”
“Sweetie we all need saving at some point. You just have to let someone try” he clasps my hand with his own across the table and squeezes so I open my eyes.
“That’s what I’m afraid of; I don’t want to be that vulnerable again”
His phone rings and he leaves the room to answer it, when I hear one of the bedroom doors close upstairs I leave the kitchen. My dad found his way at the beach, so when I walk out of the house and down to the beach I’m hoping to find that light for myself.
I’m not sure what time it is, only that it’s early morning. There are a few people walking their dogs but none of them really pay any attention to me. I always took the fact that my parents lived in a beach house for granted when I was growing up. There’s a certain tranquility about the calmness of the ocean being right there on your door step. I ignore the looks I’m getting from a few early risers as I make my way to the waters edge. Turning my back to everyone I drop my robe and walk in the water. A few wolf whistles follow in the water but the early sunlight washes over me and soon I’m in up to my waist, I spread my arms and let them drift back and forth with the waves. The seagulls above me are signing and I bend my head up to watch them circling the water. For the first time in a week I smile. Not because someone has said something funny or kind, not because I have remembered something about one of my parents but I smile because right now in this moment with nothing but water and nature surrounding me I want to smile. If my father could see me now he would have a fit. The thought of him shouting at me and threats about how I could get arrested for this make me laugh.
“Louise? Is that you? What are you doing?” I turn my head back to the beach still laughing and when I see Mason and Kyle stood on the shore line Mason looking worried and Kyle smiling I cover my breast with one of my arms and turn to the side waving at them.
A Little Lost Page 7