“I’m going for a swim, wanna join me?” I call back to him.
Mason looks up at Kyle horrified and Kyle just laughs harder shaking his head at his dad, when Mason looks back at me with his jaw dropped open I shrug my shoulders at him “Your loss” I call and turn back to go for my swim.
When I walked on to the beach in nothing but a bath robe and then removed that so I could go for my swim, I didn’t take into account how I was going to get back out of the water. I swim as close as I can towards the shore where Mason and Kyle are sat in the sand watching me.
Mason looks ready to lecture me just like my father would but Kyle still looks amused.
“Something wrong?” Kyle calls to me smirking.
“Guess I didn’t really think this through” I laugh when Mason looks about ready to ‘pop a top’
“You might have to stay in there until it gets dark” Kyle laughs at me.
“Or one of you could just bring me my robe and then I can get out. I had plans for today” I shrug as if it doesn’t really matter.
Mason looks up at my announcement “What were your plans?” he asks hopefully.
“It doesn’t matter I can’t do them anyway” I say sadly and try my hardest not to laugh when Kyle rolls his eyes at me.
“Well we could help you, if you promise not to do this again” Mason says handing Kyle my robe.
I watch amused for a few seconds as they pass my only item of clothing between the pair of them. When they can’t seem to come to a decision I sweep my eyes across the beach and decide that I can probably get away with it without too many heads turning. Using my hands to cover as much of myself as I can I run out of the water and grab my robe from them on my way passed, using that to shield myself. I get to the house about ten minutes before them.
In that time I phone Anne and ask her to come over and I get dressed. I’m sat in the kitchen with a notebook and pen in front of me and two mugs of coffee are on the table waiting for them when they arrive.
“You could give an old man a heart attack” Mason scolds taking his seat at the table and diving for his coffee.
“You wouldn’t help me, I had to do what I had to do” I shrug my shoulders at him.
“We would have helped if you would have waited” Kyle says joining us slightly out of breath.
“I can’t wait around forever; I’m not getting any younger”
“What the hell were you thinking going skinny dipping in broad daylight?” Mason asks getting into lecture mode. Not wanting Anne to know about my morning escapades I decide to deal with him the only way I know how. It used to work with my father so let’s see if I still got it.
I turn my expression sad and let my eyes fill up “I was just trying to feel alive again” I say quietly.
They both start laughing. “What?” I demand slipping out of my act.
“Honey, I’ve seen real tears from you. That won’t work on me” Mason says chuckling.
“Fine, I just wanted to feel like me again” I mutter.
“Babe, you were naked” Kyle laughs.
“Yeah well it worked so get over it” I shrug.
“I don’t think that’s something I’m going to forget in a while” Mason cried scrubbing his eyes.
“You’re wife will be here in a minute so quit it” I scold in return.
“Why, what’s going on?” Kyle asks seriously now.
I’m stopped from answering because the doorbell rings.
Anne and Amber stand on my doorstep. I didn’t invite Amber over but I’m not surprised she’s here considering it would seem her fiancé spent the night.
“Umm ... I hope you don’t mind” Anne says gesturing to Amber with her eyes.
“Of course not” I smile at them both “Please come on in. The guys are in the kitchen” They follow me into the kitchen and Kyle and Mason both stop laughing over whatever private joke they were sharing and stare at their women who walk in behind me. I pour them both a coffee and they join us at the table. Everyone turns to me expectantly.
“You offered to help me, and I would like to start organizing it as soon as possible really” I say looking at Anne and smiling “I’m asking if you could help me with the funeral please” I finish on a deep breath.
“Of course dear, I’m glad you feel ready to do this now” she smiles back at me, I push the pen and paper towards her “I don’t really know where to start, my dad took care of my mothers” I say smiling guiltily at her because I’m basically asking her to do everything.
Amber and Kyle leave the room when Anne starts talking about flowers and car services she watches them leave then turns back to me sighing.
“I’m sorry but I have to ask what happened between you and my son last night?”
“Huh? What do you mean?” I ask knowing that all I did was sleep last night.
“Well it would seem all it took was for you to spend one night with Kyle and then you’re back on track” she says smiling at me but I can see sadness in her eyes.
“He didn’t spend the night with me, I wasn’t even aware that he was here. To be honest the last thing I remember is you stitching my hand and then waking up in my bed with a headache. I came downstairs and he was in the front room” I tell her honestly.
“You know he’s postponed the wedding” she lowers her voice and looks to the door.
“I wasn’t aware of that no” I frown at Mason but he looks away “I don’t know what is going on between those two out there but I know that nothing has happened here, Kyle has a way of making me open up and we spoke this morning, or rather he got me talking and then as soon as I started I couldn’t stop, he just listened. It was him making me remember how my dad dealt with my mother’s death that got me moving again. That’s all”
Amber raises her voice in the front room and I start to feel uncomfortable, Mason takes pity on me and stands from the table.
“What do you say to taking a walk with me?” he asks reaching for my hand.
I gladly accept it and let him lead me out of the house.
We decide to take a walk into town and mindlessly walk passed all the difference shops, stopping every so often to look in the windows at various displays. We stop in a café and chose a table by the window so we can people watch.
“As happy and grateful that I am for all the support you and Kyle have given me over the last week, I really do feel awful about any arguments I may have caused between him and Amber. He shouldn’t have stayed with me last night” I sigh looking out the window watching a young couple take photos of their baby.
“It was his decision to stay with you. You didn’t ask him to. He chose to and now he has to deal with the fall out”
None of us say anything else. When I think of Kyle I feel like someone has flipped a switch inside me and all my emotions start to blend together, old and new. It kills me to see him with Amber, knowing he isn’t mine any more. Part of me wonders what they are like together when no one else is around. Does he tease her like he used to tease me? Do they play fight and chase each other around late at night like we used to? Does he make love to her every morning like we used to? Does he just have to look into her eyes and she knows that he loves her, not even having to hear the words like I used to be able to?
“Hey, you ready?” Mason asks pulling me away from my thoughts.
“Sorry, I got lost there for a moment” I smile at him and shake my head to clear my thoughts.
“Come on lets go back” he smiles standing up and taking my arm in his again.
When we return to the house they’ve all left, I try not to feel disappointed that Kyle isn’t here but I push it back. I try to busy myself by sorting through all of the paperwork in my dad’s office, but my mind keeps drifting to other places. My dad said that I would never be able to love someone with all my heart for as long as Kyle has it. The problem I have is figuring out how to get it back. I leave the office and look for Mason, I find him in the front room looking through photo albums.
; “Can I ask you’re advice on something please?” I ask drawing his attention.
“Sure, what’s on your mind?” He asks turning to face me and placing the book on the coffee table.
I walk over to him and pick it up, the photo’s he was looking at are of my parents twenty fifth wedding anniversary, me and Kyle are in the majority of the photos, celebrating our fifth year together. He left a few months later.
“It’s about something my dad said to me and I’ve been thinking about it but obviously I can’t ask him now. I thought you might be able to help” I tell him flipping through a few pictures.
“I’ll try my best” he assures me.
I put the photo album back on the table and take a seat next to him.
“My father told me that I would never be able to love someone with everything I have ever again because Kyle has my heart” I start and he nods at me “I was wondering how I would go about getting it back off him”
“I don’t understand dear” he admits frowning at me.
“I want it back. I don’t want him to have it anymore”
“Can I ask why?”
“Well he has someone else’s now, he doesn’t need mine and I’m going to need it back because, I want to be happy again. I want to meet someone and love them with everything I have, I want to spend the rest of my life with someone without having to worry about it and I want to start a family. I can’t do that if my heart belongs to another” I shrug not sure if he understands. “I want to give it to someone who needs it, he has two and I don’t think it’s fair that while I’m happy he’s happy, he’s also potentially ruining the happiness of someone else”
“You can’t just take it back, the only way he will no longer hold you’re heart is if you can say and mean the one thing you never even mentioned through that little speech of yours” he smiles sadly at me and wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me in.
“What’s that?” I ask not following.
“You have to not love him anymore. If you don’t love him he can’t hold on to something that isn’t his”
“Dad said I’d always love him though” I sigh because I’m no closer to getting what I want.
“My dear, sweet, beautiful girl. Falling in love is not a choice, staying in love is. If it’s what you really want, you have to let him go” he hugs me hard and I take some time to think it over. I never really even tried to get over him, he’s still everywhere in my life. I have to start separating him from being everywhere I turn. I need to remove myself from the past before I can look to my future.
“I think I know what I have to do” I smile up at Mason and lift myself up. I make my way upstairs to my room and I’m sure I hear him say something about wishing I wouldn’t but I ignore it, he probably didn’t mean for me to hear him.
It’s surprising how much stuff I have in this room but then I did live here for the first two years of my relationship with him. To stop me from thinking about what I’m doing I listen to my IPod sure that if Mason needs me he will come find me if I don’t answer when he calls.
I box up everything, his old tops he left here that I used to sleep in, movie theatre stubs, concert tickets. The first rose he bought me. Birthday, anniversary, Valentines Day and Christmas cards he got me. Receipts from dinner dates we went on. There are some shells that we collected on the beach when we went on holiday together, photos, there are hundreds of photos all capturing a different special moment of us. CD’s we bought together a few posters and two journals that we used to doodle and write notes in to each other when we were bored. Teddies he bought me. There are five boxes full of ... us.
It’s early evening when I call out to Mason to let him know I’m popping out for an hour, he shakes his head at me but doesn’t say a word when I bring the boxes down into the kitchen and carry empty ones to my car. I drive the short distance to the house that I haven’t stepped foot in since the morning I watched Kyle walk out and never turn back.
It’s harder than I thought being here, all the furniture that we picked out is still here but thankfully there are dust sheets covering everything that my mum sorted out when I moved back home with them. I take down all the photos from the walls and shelves and pack up the books and films sure that he won’t want them anymore than I do. I collect up the personalised cups from the kitchen and take down the things we stuck to the refrigerator. I ignore the notes scribbled on the washboard as I take it from its place on the wall and move onto the bathroom, this is the easiest room, I just put everything into a rubbish bag. The bedroom is not so easy. I box up the clothes in separate boxes and remove the various items tinkered around the room. There are three times the amount of boxes here than there was from my bedroom.
Mason helps me move the boxes from my car to the kitchen but again doesn’t make any comments so I head into the office to sign the papers that will completely remove me from my past.
Scribbling his name on the envelope I stick it down and place it on top of the boxes in the kitchen.
“Let me take you home Mason. I’m going to bed when I get back and I’ll still be here in the morning. Go home to your family where you belong” I smile at him from the doorway of the living room where he is going through more photos. I can’t get rid of any of them yet because they are of my parents. I know there aren’t any special to the relationship I had with Kyle anywhere else in this house because my dad made sure my mum removed it all.
I watch him gather his jacket and follow him out to the car. He doesn’t say anything until we pull up outside his house. “Do you want me to send him over in the morning to collect the boxes?” he asks referring to the ones I wrote his name on, they were the ones containing clothes and things that belonged to him alone.
“No, I’d rather he collected them when I’m not there” I say to my windscreen so I don’t have to look at him but he touches my chin so I have to turn my head.
“You have been brave today and your father would be proud, but you can’t start something and not follow it through until the end”
“One step at a time” is all I say waving to Anne who is coming out of the house towards us.
“Lou, since this morning I have sat back and watched you skip walking, you’ve jumped” he sighs opening his door so Anne can lean in.
“I would invite you in dear but the children are in bed” she smiles kindly at me. I wonder briefly when she will stop referring to twenty five year olds as children but decide she never will.
“And there’s a good reason for it too” I say to Mason continuing our conversation but turn to Anne when he just shakes his head at me “That’s okay, I’m having an early night tonight myself, it’s been a busy day” I smile at her and wish them both goodnight before I head back to the house that is now all mine but unsure if I want to continue living here. If I move would it be running away or a moving on to a fresh start?
The next morning Cat comes over to see me. It’s the first time I’ve seen her since my dad died. I’m not even sure who told her about it.
“Bloody hell, what is all this?” she asks stepping over the boxes in my kitchen.
“I had a clear out, that there is my five year relationship” I say while moving one of the big ones out of the way.
“What’s in them all together?” she’s staring at them as if they might bite her.
“Everything from here and the house” I say counting all twenty of them.
“You went to the house?” she asks spinning around to face me.
“Yep, did it last night and I’ve signed my half over to him. I was going to give it to them as a wedding gift because I know they don’t have a house yet, but then I figured she wouldn’t want to live somewhere he’s lived with someone else before, so I just signed it over to him and he can sell it or do what ever he wants with it” I shrug it off as no big deal but she sees through it.
“Couldn’t have been easy for you”
“It’s like breaking up all over again” I admit dishing out breakfast for us.
“So how are the happy couple anyway?” she asks taking her plate and stepping over another box to sit at the table.
“They fell out when she found out I was with Kyle when I got the news about my dad but I told her I phoned him and asked him to come over. Then they fell out again a week later when I did this” I hold up my hands that still have the cuts on them but they are starting to heal over a little now “Anyway when that I happened I called Mason and he brought him and her over she left, he stayed the night, she wasn’t happy with him yesterday but the last I heard when I dropped Mason home last night they had made up and were in bed” I explain around eating my big breakfast to make up for all the meals I missed out on.
“Why did you do it, pack all this lot up I mean, why now?” she asks digging in to her own food, by this rate we’re both going to be having seconds.
I shrug and look at the boxes again “I realized that I never really tried to stop loving him. I need to get over him and move on”
“Does he know?” she asks the question but I can tell by the look on her face she already knows the answer.
“No, Mason wanted to tell him and send him over for them this morning but I don’t want to be here when he does”
“It’s a bit strange, he can hardly take twenty boxes home with him and just be like ‘oh hey honey, all this stuff? It’s from my ex-girlfriend, it’s all our pictures and love notes that she doesn’t want anymore, don’t mind if I keep them under the bed for safe keeping do you?’” she raises an eyebrow at me but I just roll my eyes.
“Honestly only two of the boxes with clothes from the house in are for him. The rest I was just going to throw away”
“How do you think he will react?” she asks when I take her empty plate with mine and pile more food onto them.
“I’m not sure. It’s strange we haven’t really spoken about us at all. It’s like we are both pretending we never happened so I think he will be a bit freaked out that I never just got rid of everything two years ago”
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