The Pursuit of the Pankera: A Parallel Novel About Parallel Universes

by Robert A. Heinlein

  One night I had been forced to reason with my darling; Hilda felt that I should lead our little band. I was oldest, I was inventor of the time-space “distorter”—it was all right for Zeb to pilot—but I must command. In her eyes, Zeb was somewhere between an overage adolescent and an affectionate Saint Bernard. She pointed out that Zeb claimed to be a “coward by trade” and did not want responsibility.

  I told her that no born leader seeks command; the mantle descends on him, he wears the burden because he must. Hilda could not see it—she was willing to take orders from me but not from her pet youngster “Zebbie.”

  I had to be firm: either accept Zeb as commander or tomorrow Zeb and I would dismount my apparatus from Zeb’s car so that Mr. and Mrs. Carter could go elsewhere. Where? Not my business or yours, Hilda. Hilda promised to take any orders Zeb might give—once we left.

  But her capitulation was merely coerced until the gory incident at the pool. Zeb’s instantaneous attack changed her attitude. From then on my darling carried out Zeb’s orders without argument—and between times kidded and ragged him as always. Hilda’s spirit wasn’t broken; instead she placed her indomitable spirit subject to the decisions of our captain. Discipline—self-discipline; there is no other sort.

  Zeb is indeed a “coward by trade”—he avoids trouble whenever possible—a most commendable trait in a leader. If a captain worries about the safety of his command, those under him need not worry.

  Barsoom continued to swell. At last Gay’s voice said, “Ranging, boss” as she displayed “1000 km,” and flicked at once to “999 km.” I started timing when Zeb made it unnecessary: “Smart Girl!”

  “Here, Zeb.”

  “Continue range display. Show as H-above-G. Add dive rate.”

  “Null program.”

  “Correction. Add program. Display dive rate soonest.”

  “New program dive rate stored. Display starts H-above-G six hundred klicks.”

  “You’re a Smart Girl, Gay.”

  “Smartest little girl in the county. Over.”

  “Continue programs.”

  Height-above-ground seemed to drop both quickly and with stomach-tensing slowness. No one said a word; I barely breathed. As “600 km” appeared, the figures were suddenly backed by a grid; on it was a steep curve, height-against-time, and a new figure flashed underneath the H-above-G figure: 1968 km/hr. As the figure changed, a bright abscissa lowered down on the grid.

  Our captain let out a sigh. “We can handle that. But I’d give fifty cents and a double-dip ice cream cone for a parachute brake.”

  “What flavor?”

  “Your choice, Sharpie. Don’t worry, folks; I can stand her on her tail and blast. But it’s an expensive way to slow up. Gay Deceiver.”

  “Busy, boss.”

  “I keep forgetting that I can’t ask her to display too many data at once. Anybody know the sea level—I mean ‘surface’ atmospheric pressure of Mars? Don’t all speak at once.”

  My darling said hesitantly, “It averages about five millibars. But, Captain—this isn’t Mars.”

  “Huh? So it isn’t—and from the looks of that green stuff, Barsoom must have lots more atmosphere than Mars.” Zeb took the controls, overrode the computer, cautiously waggled her elevons. “Can’t feel bite. Sharpie, how come you bone astronomy? Girl Scout?”

  “Never got past Tenderfoot. I audited a course, then subscribed to Astronomy and Sky and Telescope. It’s sort o’ fun.”

  “Chief of Science, you have again justified my faith in you. Copilot, as soon as I have air bite, I’m going to ease to the east. We’re headed too close to the terminator. I want to ground in daylight. Keep an eye out for level ground. I’ll hover at the last—but I don’t want to ground in forest. Or in badlands.”

  “Aye aye, sir.”

  “Astrogator.”

  “Yessir!”

  “Deety darling, search to port—and forward—as much as you can see around me. Jake can favor the starboard side.”

  “Captain—I’m on the starboard side. Behind Pop.”

  “Huh? How did you gals get swapped around?”

  “Well … you hurried us, sir—any old seat in a storm.”

  “Two demerits for wrong seat—and no syrup on the hotcakes we’re going to have for breakfast as soon as we’re grounded.”

  “Uh, I don’t believe hotcakes are possible.”

  “I can dream, can’t I? Chief Science Officer, watch my side.”

  “Yes, Cap’n.”

  “While Deety backs up Jake. Any cow pasture.”

  “Hey! I feel air! She bites!”

  I held my breath while Zeb slowly brought the ship out of dive, easing her east. “Gay Deceiver.”

  “How now, Brown Cow?”

  “Cancel display programs. Execute.”

  “Inshallâh, ya sayyid.”

  The displays faded. Zeb held her just short of stalling. We were still high, about six klicks, still hypersonic.

  Zeb slowly started spreading her wings as air speed and altitude dropped. After we dropped below speed of sound, he opened her wings full for maximum lift. “Did anyone remember to bring a canary?”

  “A canary!” said Deety. “What for, Boss Man?”

  “My gentle way of reminding everyone that we have no way to test atmosphere. Copilot.”

  “Captain,” I acknowledged.

  “Uncover deadman switch. Hold it closed while you remove clamp. Hold it high where we all can see it. Once you report switch ready to operate, I’m going to crack the air scoops. If you pass out, your hand will relax and the switch will get us home. I hope. But— All hands!— If anyone feels dizzy or woozy or faint … or sees any of us start to slump, don’t wait! Give the order orally. Deety, spell the order I mean. Don’t say it—spell it.”

  “G, A, Y, D, E, C, I, E, V, E, R, T, A, K, E, U, S, H, O, M, E.”

  “You misspelled it.”

  “I did not!”

  “You did so; “i” before “e” except after “c.” You reversed ’em.”

  “Well … maybe I did. That diphthong has always given me trouble. Floccinaucinihilipilificator!”

  “So you understood it? From now on, on Barsoom, ‘i’ comes before ‘e’ at all times. By order of John Carter, Warlord. I have spoken. Copilot?”

  “Deadman switch ready, Captain,” I answered.

  “You gals hold your breaths or breathe, as you wish. Pilot and copilot will breathe. I am about to open air scoops.”

  I tried to breathe normally and wondered if my hand would relax if I passed out.

  The cabin got suddenly chilly, then the heaters picked up. I felt normal. Cabin pressure slightly higher, I thought, under ram effect.

  “Everybody feel right? Does everybody look right? Copilot?”

  “I feel fine. You look okay. So does Hilda. I can’t see Deety.”

  “Science Officer?”

  “Deety looks normal. I feel fine.”

  “Deety. Speak up.”

  “Golly, I had forgotten what fresh air smells like!”

  “Copilot, carefully—most carefully!—put the clamp back on the switch, then rack and cover it. Report completion.”

  A few seconds later I reported, “Deadman switch secured, Captain.”

  “Good. I see a golf course; we’ll ground.” Zeb switched to powered flight; Gay responded, felt alive. We spiraled, hovered briefly, grounded with a gentle bump. “Grounded on Barsoom. Log it, Astrogator. Time and date.”

  “Huh?”

  “On the instrument board.”

  “But that says oh-eight-oh-three and it’s just after dawn here.”

  “Log it Greenwich. With it, log estimated local time and Barsoom day one.” Zeb yawned. “I wish they wouldn’t hold mornings so early.”

  “Too sleepy for hotcakes?” my wife inquired.

  “Never that sleepy.”

  “Aunt Hilda!”

  “Deety, I stowed the pancake mix. And powdered milk. And butter. Zebbie, no syrup�
�sorry. But there is grape jelly in a tube. And freeze-dried coffee. If one of you will undog this bulkhead door, we’ll have breakfast in a few minutes.”

  “Chief Science Officer, you have a duty to perform.”

  “I do? But— Yes, Captain?”

  “Put your dainty toe to the ground. It’s your planet, your privilege. Starboard side of the car, under the wing, is the ladies’ powder room—portside is the men’s jakes. Ladies may have armed escort on request.”

  I was glad Zeb remembered that. The car had a “honey bucket” under the cushion of the port rear seat, and, with it, plastic liners. I did not ever want to have to use it.

  Gay Deceiver was wonderful but, as a spaceship, she left much to be desired. However, she had brought us safely to Barsoom.

  Barsoom! Visions of thoats and beautiful princesses—

  XVII

  Deety

  We spent our first hour on “Barsoom” getting oriented. Aunt Hilda stepped outside, then stayed out. “Isn’t cold,” she told us. “Going to be hot later.”

  “Watch where you step!” my husband warned her. “Might be snakes or anything.” He hurried after her—and went head over heels.

  Zebadiah was not hurt; the ground was padded, a greenish-yellow mat somewhat like “ice plant” but looking more like clover. He got up carefully, then swayed as if walking on a rubber mattress. “I don’t understand it,” he complained. “This gravity ought to be twice that of Luna. But I feel lighter.”

  Aunt Hillbilly sat down on the turf. “On the Moon, you were carrying pressure suit and tanks and equipment.” She unfastened her shoes. “Here you aren’t.”

  “Yeah, so I was,” agreed my husband. “What are you doing?”

  “Taking off my shoes. When were you on the Moon? Cap’n Zebbie, you’re a fraud.”

  “Don’t take off your shoes! You don’t know what’s in this grass.”

  The Hillbilly stopped, one shoe off. “If they bite me, I bite ’em back. Captain, in Gay Deceiver you are absolute boss. But doesn’t your crew have any free will? I’ll play it either way: free citizen … or your thrall who dassn’t even take off a shoe without permission. Just tell me.”

  “Uh—”

  “If you try to make all decisions, all the time, you’re going to get as hysterical as a hen raising ducklings. Even Deety can be notional. But I won’t even pee without permission. Shall I put this back on? Or take the other off?”

  “Aunt Hilda, quit teasing my husband!” (I was annoyed!)

  “Dejah Thoris, I am not teasing your husband; I am asking our captain for instructions.”

  Zebadiah sighed. “Sometimes I wish I’d stayed in Australia.”

  I said, “Is it all right for Pop and me to come out?”

  “Oh. Certainly. Watch your step; it’s tricky.”

  I jumped down, then jumped high and wide, with entrechats as I floated—landed sur les pointes. “Oh, boy! What a wonderful place for ballet!” I added, “Shouldn’t do that on a full bladder. Aunt Hilda, let’s see if that powder room is unoccupied.”

  “I was about to, dear, but I must get a ruling from our captain.”

  “You’re teasing him.”

  “No, Deety; Hilda is right; doctrine has to be clear. Jake? How about taking charge on the ground?”

  “No, Captain. Druther be a Balkan general, given my druthers.”

  Aunt Hilda stood up, shoe in hand, reached high with her other hand, patted my husband’s cheek. “Zebbie, you are a dear. You worry about us all—me especially, because you think I’m a featherhead. Remember how we did at Snug Harbor? Each one did what she could do best and there was no friction. If that worked there, it ought to work here.”

  “Well … all right. But will you gals please be careful?”

  “We’ll be careful. How’s your ESP? Any feeling?”

  Zebadiah wrinkled his forehead. “No. But I don’t get advance warning. Just barely enough.”

  “ ‘Just barely’ is enough. Before we had to leave, you were about to program Gay to listen at high gain. Would that change ‘just barely’ to ‘ample’?”

  “Yes! Sharpie, I’ll put you in charge, on the ground.”

  “In your hat, buster. Zebbie, the quicker you quit dodging, the sooner you get those hotcakes. Spread my cape down and put the hot plate on the step.”

  We ate breakfast in basic Barsoomian dress: skin. Aunt Hilda pointed out that laundries seemed scarce, and the car’s water tanks had to be saved for drinking and cooking. “Deety, I have just this dress you gave me; I’ll air it and let the wrinkles hang out. An air bath is better than no bath. I know you’ll divvy with me but you are no closer to a laundry than I am.”

  My jumpsuit joined Hilda’s dress.

  The same reasoning caused our men to spread their used clothing on the port wing, and caused Zebadiah to pick up Hilda’s cape. “Sharpie, you can’t get fur Hollanderized in this universe. Jake, you stowed some tarps?”

  After dishes were “washed” (scoured with turf, placed in the sun) we were sleepy. Zebadiah wanted us to sleep inside, doors locked. Aunt Hilda and I wanted to nap on a tarpaulin in the shade of the car. I pointed out that moving rear seats aft in refitting had made it impossible to recline them.

  Zebadiah offered to give up his seat to either of us women. I snapped, “Don’t be silly, dear! You barely fit into a rear seat and it brings your knees so far forward that the seat in front can’t be reclined.”

  Pop intervened. “Hold it! Daughter, I’m disappointed—snapping at your husband. But, Zeb, we’ve got to rest. If I sleep sitting up, I get swollen ankles, half crippled, not good for much.”

  “I was trying to keep us safe,” Zebadiah said plaintively.

  “I know, son; you’ve been doing so—and a smart job, or we all would be dead three times over. Deety knows it, I know it, Hilda knows it—”

  “I sure do, Zebbie!”

  “My captain, I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

  “We’ll need you later. Flesh has its limits—even yours. If necessary, we would bed you down and stand guard over you—”

  “No!”

  “We sure would, Zebbie!”

  “We will, my captain.”

  “But I doubt that it’s necessary. When we sat on the ground to eat, did anyone get chigger bites or anything?”

  My husband shook his head.

  “Not me,” Aunt Hilda agreed.

  I added, “I saw some little beasties but they didn’t bother me.”

  “Apparently,” Pop went on, “they don’t like our taste. A ferocious-looking dingus sniffed at my ankle—but it scurried away. Zeb, Gay can hear better than we can?”

  “Oh, much better!”

  “Can her radar be programmed to warn us?”

  Zebadiah looked thoughtful. “Uh … anti-collision alarm would wake the dead. If I pulled it in to minimum range, then— No, the display would be cluttered with ‘grass.’ We’re on the ground. False returns.”

  I said, “Subtract static display, Zebadiah.”

  “Eh? How, Deety?”

  “Gay can do it. Shall I try?”

  “Deety, if you switch on radar, we have to sleep inside. Microwaves cook your brains.”

  “I know, sir. Gay has sidelookers, eyes fore and aft, belly, and umbrella—has she not?”

  “Yes. That’s why—”

  “Switch off her belly eye. Can sidelookers hurt us if we sleep under her?”

  His eyes widened. “Astrogator, you know more about my car than I do. I’d better sign her over to you.”

  “My captain, you have already endowed me with all your worldly goods. I don’t know more about Gay; I know more about programming.”

  We made a bed under the car by opening Zebadiah’s sleeping bag out flat, a tarpaulin on each side. Aunt Hilda dug out sheets: “In case anyone gets chilly.”

  “Unlikely,” Pop told her. “Hot now, not a cloud and no breeze.”

  “Keep it by you, dearest. Here’s one for Zebbie.” She dro
pped two more on the sleeping bag, lay down on it. “Down flat, gentlemen”—waited for them to comply, then called to me: “Deety! Everybody’s down.”

  From inside I called back, “Right with you!”—then said, “Hello, Gay.”

  “Hi, Deety!”

  “Retrieve newest program. Execute.”

  Five scopes lighted, faded to dimness; the belly eye remained blank. I told her, “You’re a good girl, Gay.”

  “I like you, too, Deety. Over.”

  “Roger and out, sister.” I scrunched down, got at the stowage under the instrument board, pulled out padding and removed saber and sword, each with belt. These I placed at the door by a pie tin used at breakfast. I slithered head-first out the door, turned without rising, got swords and pie plate, and crawled toward the pallet, left arm cluttered with hardware.

  I stopped. “Your sword, Captain.”

  “Deety! Do I need a sword to nap?”

  “No, sir. I shall sleep soundly knowing that my captain has his sword.”

  “Hmm—” Zebadiah withdrew it a span, returned it with a click. “Silly … but I feel comforted by it, too.”

  “I see nothing silly, sir. Ten hours ago you killed a thing with it that would have killed me.”

  “I stand—sprawl—corrected, my princess. Dejah Thoris is always correct.”

  “I hope my chieftain will always think so.”

  “He will. Give me a big kiss. What’s the pie pan for?”

  “Radar alarm test.”

  Having delivered the kiss, I crawled past Hilda and handed Pop his saber. He grinned at me. “Deety hon, you’re a one! Just the security blanket I need. How did you know?”

  “Because Aunt Hilda and I need it. With our warriors armed, we will sleep soundly.” I kissed Pop, crawled out from under. “Cover your ears!”

  I got to my knees, sailed that pan far and high, dropped flat and covered my ears. As the pan sailed into the zone of microwave radiation, a horrid clamor sounded inside the car, kept up until the pan struck the ground and stopped rolling—chopped off. “Somebody remind me to recover that. Goodnight, all!”

  I crawled back, stretched out by Hilda, kissed her goodnight, set the clock in my head for six hours, went to sleep.

  The sun was saying that it was fourteen instead of fourteen-fifteen and I decided that my circadian did not fit Barsoom. Would the clock in my head “slow” to match a day forty minutes longer? Would it give me trouble? Not likely—I’ve always been able to sleep anytime. I felt grand and ready for anything.