I looked down at her.
She shrugged her shoulders. “I’m going to sit here and do nothing too then.”
It was the first time in a long time I felt like smiling.
She understood it.
She knew I didn’t want to be bothered with a thousand questions, twenty thousand sorries, and a million stories to try and make things better.
I sat next to her and the urge to scream and growl and fight the ocean went away.
Fight the ocean… real nice, Jett.
“It’s in my head,” I said.
“Your brain? Or lack thereof?”
I turned my head to stare at her. “I must have no brain talking to you.”
“I’ll give you that one with no comment back,” Julia said. “Anymore and I will strike back.”
She’s so fucking beautiful. Just like she was the night I met her. She doesn’t need to be reminded she’s beautiful but I would remind her. The only reason the sun comes up is to look at her again. So all these motherfuckers who love the sun should be thanking Julia.
“I wasn’t even at the shop,” I said. “I cut out a little early. Got everything organized and was just feeling… it.”
“What’s it?”
“Just a feeling. I wanted to get out of there. Go for a ride. Find something to distract me.”
“Like?”
“Physical comfort,” I said. “Or do you want me to just say I was going to find someone to fuck?”
Julia frowned. “Oh. Okay. Right.”
I killed the silence between us before it got awkward.
“I was somewhere just outside Hidden when I got the call. Of all fucking people, Dusty called me. How about that?”
“He probably would have rather pulled you over for speeding.”
“I’m sure. The second he said my name I knew something was really wrong. The word death went right through my head and heart. I made a list… instantly. All these people in my life and I could predict how they were going to die. But I never thought…” I lowered my head. “Azel.”
Julia touched my back. I felt her hand shaking.
I cleared my throat and hurried to stand up. “I have to get going, Julia.”
“What? Right now? Really?”
“I should have never replied to you. You have your own…”
She stared up at me with the same eyes she did that first night. Hiding in the woods together. Smoking together. That first stolen kiss that was so forbidden.
She shook her head. “Not really, Jett. Traveling. Again. Go figure.” She offered a weak laugh. She shook her head again. “This isn’t about me.”
She climbed to her feet and kept her distance.
“Thank you for checking on me,” I said.
“I know you wear it all for them,” she said. “I don’t mean that to sound mean. But… I know you do so much for all of them. Pop. Carolyn. Wes. I’m sure you were the same for…”
Julia covered her mouth for a second.
It crushed me in a way that she never got to meet Azel. Or hold him. And that he never got to meet her. She never got to see me with him. When he was a baby. When he was a little guy, just learning to walk. She never got to hear his voice say Unca Jett.
I suddenly heard Azel’s voice. Calling for Unca Jett and Aunt Jula…
That was a part of life that never existed and never would.
“Can I at least make sure you get to your car?” Julia asked. “I don’t want you out here all night. Alone.”
“Tomorrow’s the funeral.”
“I know. I’m going to be there. I know I… just out of respect for the family.”
There were a million words in my heart but they were locked up tight.
So I said nothing.
Julia tried to tuck her hair behind her ears but the beach breeze wouldn’t allow it.
She looked defeated as she stepped back on the beach, putting more distance between us.
“Hey, sweetheart,” I said. “Have a smoke with me.”
Julia laughed. “Thanks. But I quit.”
“You quit?”
“I quit,” she said. “No more smoking for me.”
“Did you really quit? Or did someone quit for you?”
Julia lifted both of her middle fingers at me and backed away, half grinning.
That was the kind of shit that could ruin my heart for good.
Or maybe it was the kind of shit that could try and fix it.
* * *
I was stuck in an endless loop of a dream that involved Azel and Julia.
We were in some house.
With a small kitchen.
And Azel was sitting in a big boy chair, Julia next to him. Her hair messy from bed (and other activities), drinking coffee from a mug that had the word HIS written in chipped, black ink.
Julia looked perfect.
Azel looked happy.
And just as I thought, he called her Aunt Jula.
Dreams always had an ending though. And that ending was always the reality of life.
I woke up on the smaller couch in the living room and made coffee and breakfast.
Carolyn got up, poured coffee, and shuffled her way toward the bathroom.
Again, there were no words.
She had to shower and put herself together to go bury her youngest son.
I went to check on Wes and he wasn’t in his room.
“Fuck,” I whispered.
Last thing I needed was him to cause trouble today.
I had no choice but to open the door to Azel’s room.
It made me sick to go in there…
But there he was.
Wes sitting next to the little bed.
Holding a dirty, white teddy bear that wore black sunglasses and a tropical pattern set of board shorts, complete with a surfboard sewn to its feet.
Wes just sat there, staring, a cigarette in his mouth.
I should have broken his balls over the cigarette. But some battles were better kept for another day. It wasn’t like I didn’t know he smoked. And he probably smoked because I did. But today… whatever he needed to do to get through it, so be it.
I let out a quick whistle.
Wes turned his head. He nodded.
“Open a window or go outside,” I said. “Your mother will get pissed if the kid’s room smells like cigarette smoke.”
Wes nodded.
“I made some food. Coffee too. You should eat something before we leave. That’s all I’ve got for speeches for today. You need anything, you tell me. Don’t be a fucking hero.”
I turned.
“Jett.”
I looked back. “Yeah?”
Wes showed me the teddy bear. “Should I have put this in his casket? He didn’t play with it a lot, but he kept it close. I guess it’s too late now, right?”
“I think you should keep that one, Wes,” I said.
I shut the door as I stepped into the hallway.
I fell forward, my hands balled into fists and I hit the wall.
My mouth opened and all I wanted to do was throw up.
But I couldn’t.
I wanted to cry.
But I couldn’t.
I heard the sound of Wes crying.
My knees started to give out.
I sucked in a breath and stood back up tall.
I rubbed my jaw and walked down the hallway.
If I was able to tuck away everything that happened with Julia and function, I could do the same with this.
Life would go on.
Without Julia… and without Azel.
Chapter 17
THEN
Julia
My right hand tapped against the bathroom sink four hundred times in thirty seconds. I licked my lips. I bit at my bottom lip. I licked my lips again.
I ran from the reflection in the mirror and went downstairs.
There wasn’t any more coffee.
I could make more but I had to leave in a few minutes.
&nbs
p; And it wasn’t coffee that I was craving in a bad way.
What else are you craving too, Julia?
I moved from the kitchen to the foyer.
I had my keys. I had my phone.
A small bag packed too. With a change of clothes.
Nice clothes weren’t exactly my thing.
The black dress fit but didn’t feel right on me. Not to mention the whole meaning behind it too. That I was going to…
I looked at myself in the mirror and my eyes were full of tears.
So much for wearing makeup.
Not that I was big on makeup.
But a little eyeliner wasn’t the worst thing in the world.
I touched my phone and wasn’t sure what to do next.
Kinney was in South America.
He told me was going to bring back some new coffee for me to try. The first three nights he called to talk. The next few nights it was just a text message. A general recap as though he were writing in a journal. Since then, it was hit or miss. A random picture here. A quick text there. When I told him about Azel, he wrote back Damn, that’s so sad. Damn. And that was it.
He had no idea I was dressed in black and going to a funeral.
He had no idea how I felt.
But why would he?
The reflection in the mirror reminded me of who I had become.
The cliché.
The complete and total cliché.
Swept off my feet and now waiting in a big, empty house for him to come back. Only to have him leave again. Yet he always tried to get me to come with him. He didn’t just sneak away into the night. He would plan it all out. He would tell me every little thing he had planned. He would do his best to sell it to me. Everything I would like about it and everything I would do.
And I was just a cold bitch about it all.
Refusing to step onto a plane.
At first there were good reasons.
Now it was for a different reason.
Resentment. Spite. Hatred.
All the makings of a strong and healthy marriage, right?
I grabbed my phone, keys, and my little bag.
When I got into my car, I stopped and thought about what was going to happen today.
And I burst into tears.
I cried my heart out… until there were no more tears.
Then I cleaned up my face the best I could and started to drive.
I just wanted to be by Jett’s side and remind him that in a way he still had me.
* * *
It was like being stuck in a really bad dream.
There was nowhere I could look for escape either.
Pop standing there with the worst look I’d ever seen on a human’s face. His eyes staring down at the small casket. That alone was enough to make my heart crumble into pieces. Next to Pop were two men. One was West, who stood next to Carolyn, holding her hand. The other man, between West and Pop I assumed was his other son. I vaguely remembered Jett telling me his name was Ernie but everyone called him East. And he was never around. He was Walker and Ryker’s father and lived in the same dirtbag realm as West. Next to Carolyn was Wes. He looked empty. Next to him was Jett.
Jett just looked mad.
Lost and mad.
And everyone in town was there.
Those who were friends to the Jackson family and those who hated the family.
I wasn’t sure if that was a sign of respect or sniffing around for a sign of weakness to pounce.
In Hidden, nothing would have surprised me.
I literally didn’t move an inch as the entire funeral proceeded to its final end.
The flowers on the casket took up so much of its size. Just another terrible reminder of the size of the casket. More than a few times I felt sick to my stomach and had to fight it off.
When the funeral was over, most of the people slowly made their way back to their vehicles to leave.
I didn’t. I walked closer to everything.
The history between Jett and I didn’t matter with what was happening to his family.
And they were his family.
Not blood, but they were family.
That was something I truly understood because of myself and Aunt Bea.
I looked at Pop and he still wouldn’t move his eyes from the casket.
Carolyn saw me and her eyes filled with fresh tears.
We hugged without saying a word and she cried.
I fought back my urge to cry.
When we broke apart, we both nodded.
Then I moved down to Wes.
I touched his arms. “Look at you. Almost all grown up now. Want to go sit behind a car and talk again?”
Wes quickly laughed. “Thanks for coming.” Wes hugged me. “He needs you right now.”
That comment hit me hard.
And after Wes came Jett.
Wearing a black suit with a black tie.
I had never seen him so dressed up in my life.
Even for Scotty’s funeral… he didn’t dress up. He showed up drunk. Still carrying a bottle of whiskey. Stumbling around the cemetery, talking to himself and talking to the left side of himself like Scotty was there.
I saved him then.
I could do it now.
Jett’s eyes met mine for a split second.
He turned and walked away.
The cemetery was small and on a hill. At the base of the hill was a small, brown church with a red roof, and a high pitched steeple.
That’s where Jett was headed.
It was where I was headed too.
I didn’t call his name or tell him to stop.
I just wanted to be there for him. So when the moment passed by and he turned around he wouldn’t be alone. That was the best I could give him for now.
Jett walked to the back of the small church and lit up a cigarette.
“Smoking outside of a church?” I asked.
Jett looked at me and then looked up. “All things considered, I don’t think the big guy will mind.”
I hugged myself and slowly walked toward him.
“Mind if I have one?”
Jett lifted his left eyebrow. “Are you allowed to?”
“Oh, fuck you right back then,” I said without thinking. I looked at the church and blushed.
“Again, I don’t think the big guy minds,” Jett said.
“Sorry for blurting that out,” I said.
“Don’t be,” Jett said. He handed me his cigarettes and lighter. “I shouldn’t have said that to you. That was a cheap shot.”
“Work harder next time to bring me down,” I said.
“I thought you quit smoking?” Jett asked.
I lit a cigarette and shut my eyes. I took that first drag and it was… good. It was a disgusting kind of good though. The taste. The smoke filling my lungs. My heart racing with a sense of a high, knowing what I was doing was wrong.
But was it wrong? I didn’t owe anything to anyone anymore…
“I guess I quit at quitting,” I said as smoke danced from my lips.
“Good. Fuck quitting. Life isn’t made for quitting.”
“I guess not,” I said. “Can I say it? Just once? Get it out of the way today?”
Jett nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”
“I am so sorry about Azel, Jett. I can’t imagine what anyone is feeling. If there’s anything…”
Jett nodded again. “That was good. Thanks.”
He took another deep drag from his cigarette and flicked it to the ground and stepped on it.
As he started to walk away, I put my arms out. “Am I invisible?”
“What?” Jett asked.
“That’s it? Two minutes?”
“What did you want?” Jett asked.
Well, for starters, I wanted forever…
“What else is going on today?” I asked. “Is there a lunch or dinner or something?”
“No,” Jett said. “Carolyn didn’t want to go through that. She’s probably going to get shit faced. I�
��m assuming the same for Wes.”
“You going to keep an eye on him?” I asked.
“No,” Jett said. “I got him this far with this. Now he needs to go do his own thing. Whatever that is.”
“What about yourself?”
“What about me, sweetheart?” Jett asked.
Sweetheart.
I forgot how nice that sounded coming from his mouth.
I shrugged my shoulders. “I quit smoking a long time ago, Jett. I kind of don’t want this to be my only one for the day.”
“Okay,” Jett said. “What’s the plan then?”
“You tell me.”
“What’s your curfew?”
“I have none. No more curfews, Jett.”
“That could be trouble.”
“And that’s a problem?”
“If I go to a bar and get drunk and I pick a fight, are you going to be pissed at me?”
I tilted my head side to side, pretending to think about it. “Things are different now. Right?”
“Very.”
“So I guess you can do what you want.”
“So I can fight and you can smoke,” Jett said.
“I can live with that. Just for today though.”
Jett swallowed hard and nodded. “Just for today though.”
* * *
Putting the cemetery and funeral out of view didn’t put it out of my mind.
Or Jett’s.
We stopped for a slice of pizza.
Since pizza was always our thing… duh.
‘I can’t talk right now,’ I say to him as I wipe away tears. ‘I promise, I’m fine.’
‘You’re not fine. You’re crying. Did he make you cry?’
‘It’s over stupid stuff. I don’t want you involved. You have to fight, Jett. I shouldn’t even be here tonight. But I just… I just…’
‘Just what?’ Jett asks.
‘I just had to see you,’ I say.
Jett grins. Then he growls. ‘Can’t do this forever. Not like this. I can’t hold back.’
‘I know. Soon. I found out he’s been cheating on me. And I can’t be pissed…’
‘Right,’ Jett says. ‘So everything is even more fucked up.’
‘Jett, I promise I’m not this person…’
‘I have to go. Meet me somewhere later…’
Jett leans into me and kisses my cheek. He rattles off the name of some pizza place I don’t know.
HIDDEN CREEK NOW: a hidden creek high novel Page 16