Our Own Private Universe

by Robin Talley

He stood. It wasn’t easy, in that tiny space. He leaned into the corner, turning to gaze out Juana’s window. “I wish you’d have told me sooner.”

  “It only started since we got here.”

  He turned back and met my eyes. “That’s not what I meant.”

  I knew what he meant.

  I wanted to tell him I was bi, not gay, like he probably thought. I wanted to tell him I hadn’t really been sure, not until this summer. But I couldn’t say any of that. I didn’t know how well sound might carry in that house.

  “Did you think I wouldn’t be cool with it?” he said. “Because I am. I mean, you’re my baby sister and you shouldn’t be doing any of that crap with anybody anyway, but, well. You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah.” I held out my hand to Drew. After a moment he leaned forward and took it. “I know what you mean. I didn’t think you wouldn’t be cool with it. I—look, I don’t know. I had to figure myself out first. I’m still figuring myself out.”

  He let go of my hand. “I didn’t enjoy hearing about it from other people. That’s all.”

  “Who’d you hear it from?” My heart was pounding, but I wasn’t sure I really wanted to know the answer.

  “Just...people.” He shrugged. “I’ve got to admit, I was freaked at first. Maybe I was dumb, but I had never thought about it being a possibility, you know?”

  My heart sank. That was why I hadn’t wanted to tell anyone. “You were freaked?”

  “Kind of. But then I thought some more, and I talked to Sofía, and—”

  “You told Sofía?” Oh, lord, if even Sofía knew...

  “Yeah. She told me I was stupid to be weird about it, and this was totally normal, and it’s the twenty-first century and all. She was right. I mean, you know, whatever, right? Different strokes for different folks.”

  I laughed. Then I sniffled. I hadn’t realized how relieved I felt. Or how afraid I’d been.

  “Just, look, promise me one thing,” Drew said.

  “Of course.” In that moment, I’d have promised to do his math homework for the rest of my life if he asked.

  “Promise you won’t tell Dad. Or Mom, but especially Dad. He—I don’t think he’ll take it well. You know, he’s old-fashioned, being a minister and everything. He thinks you’re still his baby girl.”

  I sat back against the bed. Behind me, Juana huffed and pushed my head forward again.

  “You think he’ll—” I swallowed. “Be upset?”

  “I don’t know. They’re voting on that thing at the conference, and I think he might vote yes, but he also might not. If he finds out about this, that might make him start seeing things differently, you know?”

  “For real?” That was basically my worst fear. “You think he’d be so freaked he’d vote against marriage?”

  “I don’t know. Us kids, we grew up in the modern times. But Grandma and Grandad, they were old-school Bible thumpers. I think Dad is, too, deep down. This news might crush him. I’d be really careful if it were me.”

  He thought this would crush Dad? God, what was I going to do?

  Maybe I should go back to being straight. It wouldn’t be that hard. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t into guys at all.

  But... Christa.

  “Okay.” I swallowed again. “I won’t tell him.”

  “I mean, you know how they are,” Drew went on. “Mom and Dad both. All they want us to do is church, church, church. I swear, if Holy Life had a school they would’ve sent us both there.”

  “But lots of people are way churchier than we are. Half the kids from Harpers Ferry—”

  “No, that’s not what I mean. It isn’t just religion for Mom and Dad. They’ve kept us so massively sheltered. You especially, but it was the same for me up until I switched to public school. The only reason they sent us to Rowell was because it was so tiny it was easy to keep an eye on us.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not sheltered.”

  Drew dropped his head. “Do you even know what a big deal it was for them when you auditioned for MHSA? Dad was dead set against it at first. Mom spent months talking him into letting you.”

  I stiffened at the mention of MHSA, but I hadn’t known that. “He never said anything to me.”

  “Yeah, they don’t like for us to see them disagree. But they really wanted you to stay at Rowell. They were rooting for you to get in, of course, but I think they were relieved when you didn’t audition again last year.” Drew fixed me with a look. “Like I said, they really want you where they can keep an eye on you.”

  “Well, I don’t care.” I shifted on the bed. Juana punished me with an extra-sharp tug. I sat up straight. “And I don’t want another lecture from you about why I should’ve auditioned again.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going there.” Drew raised his hands in the air. We’d done that since we were kids, to ask the other one to back off. Then his voice got serious. “I’m only saying, I think the reason Mom and Dad—but especially Dad—are this way is because of Uncle Andrew.”

  “For real?” We’d hardly ever talked about Uncle Andrew before. He was Dad’s little brother, but he died before Drew and I were born. He’d had cancer or something.

  “I think him dying made Dad paranoid, and now he’s obsessed with making sure you and I are safe all the time.”

  “Come on, Drew, maybe you’re overthinking this.”

  “Maybe you’re underthinking it.”

  Juana yanked on my scalp again. I changed the subject. “Have you decided yet what you’re going to do in the fall? Are you going back to school?”

  Drew looked down again. “I don’t know. I was actually looking at maybe signing up for the army, but—”

  “But?” I nearly screeched. I used every muscle in my body to force myself to stay still, even though I wanted to leap to my feet. “But? Drew, Dad would kill you. You know how he and Mom feel about the military.”

  “It’s my call, not theirs.” Drew’s voice was so low I had to strain to hear him. “Anyway, whatever, it was a dumb idea.”

  “I’ll say it was.” At least Drew had thought better of that one. I couldn’t believe he’d even considered it.

  “Drew?” Señora Suarez’s voice called from the other room. “Aki? Juana? Dinnertime!”

  Señora Suarez’s English was a hundred times better than my Spanish. Juana let go of my braids and I stood up slowly. Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes.

  “Hey, your hair looks really nice,” Drew said.

  I felt the back of my head and touched a nice, neat braid. “Gracias, Juana. Es muy bueno.”

  Juana giggled. I realized “Es muy bueno” was basically the only thing I’d ever said to her.

  Drew and Juana went down the hall. I started to follow them, but I paused in the doorway first. I needed to breathe.

  I just came out to my brother.

  Up until today, I’d barely even thought about how coming out would feel, but telling Drew—that made this bigger than it was before. This wasn’t only a thing that existed solely between me and Christa in our tiny little world anymore.

  I really was...not straight. Or something.

  I couldn’t tell Christa about what had happened. She’d be so upset.

  But—was Drew right, with what he’d said about Dad? Would he really be crushed if he knew?

  That idea made me feel kind of crushed.

  This was too big. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I couldn’t.

  But now I had to go out there and act as if nothing had happened.

  So I smoothed out my borrowed dress and slid a smile onto my face. I closed my eyes, breathed in and opened them again.

  I followed Juana into the dining room and took the empty seat next to Dad. After everyone had sat down and Señor Suarez had said the pr
ayer, Señora Suarez started right away piling beans and vegetables onto my plate before I could even say “No, gracias.”

  Suddenly there was a huge pile of food in front of me and no prepackaged toast in sight. I fiddled with my fork, wondering if I could somehow shove this tower of nutrients under my napkin without Señora Suarez noticing.

  No one else was hesitating, though. Drew was shoveling food into his mouth and making “Mmm” sounds as though he hadn’t eaten in weeks. And even Juana’s littlest brother, who couldn’t have been more than three, was digging into his plate of beans like he was at Baskin-Robbins with an ice-cream sundae.

  Okay. Fine. One small bite of beans probably wouldn’t kill me.

  I scooped a tiny helping onto my fork—two beans’ worth—and lifted it to my lips. It actually smelled kind of good.

  I hesitated another moment before I realized Juana was watching me. I couldn’t back out now.

  I slid the fork into my mouth, trying to act like this was totally normal, as if I ate this kind of food every day. Then I had a shocking realization.

  Señora Suarez’s food was good.

  It was better than Taco Bell. It was a lot better than toast.

  I forgot Juana was watching me and dug into those beans. I even tried the veggies. They were good, too. Everything was especially good together.

  I ate everything on my plate and helped myself to more. I wondered what else I’d been missing out on because I’d been too scared to try it.

  I ate my food quietly and watched Drew smile fake smiles at Dad and the Suarezes. He and I were the same in so many ways. We were both good kids. Preacher’s kids.

  Kids like us didn’t have secrets. Kids like us knew better.

  Girls like me smiled politely and always did the right thing. Girls like me definitely didn’t sneak away at night to do things that would crush their fathers.

  And if they did, girls like me knew how to keep it to themselves.

  PART 3

  Somewhere Here

  on Earth

  CHAPTER 10

  I didn’t see Christa when we got back to the old church, but she had to be somewhere. The pews had been moved back against the walls and the tarp that broke the room in half had been hung up again, but it was pulled over to one side. Everyone from all three youth groups was talking in little groups, still in their church clothes.

  An excited buzz hung in the air. Something had happened.

  “Aki!” Jake called from the far side of the room. He was sitting next to Lori, a pile of beads spilled out onto the pew beside them. “Over here!”

  I swept my eyes across the room one last time, but Christa wasn’t inside. So I made my way over to Lori and Jake, stepping carefully over a group of Harpers Ferry boys playing games on their phones. I pinched my skirt hem to make sure they couldn’t see up my dress.

  “Where’ve you been?” Lori asked when I reached them. She and Jake were sorting beads by color. Lori had been doing most of the planning for our jewelry lessons lately.

  I sat on the floor in front of them and started sorting out the green beads, humming the Destiny’s Child song I couldn’t get out of my head. “I had to go have lunch at the Suarezes’ with Dad and Drew.”

  “Yikes,” Jake said. “Did they let you get away with only eating toast?”

  “No, but actually the food was pretty decent.”

  Jake shook his head, as though he was disappointed in me.

  “Did your dad tell you about Texas?” Lori asked.

  “Nope. What about Texas?”

  “You didn’t hear? It’s all everybody’s talking about.” Jake sat up straight. I couldn’t tell which was more exciting for him, getting people to sign his petitions or being the first to know the gossip. “The weekend after next we’re all taking a bus ride to some college in Texas, and we’re going to stay there for two nights!”

  I sat up, too. “Wait. College? Are we staying in dorm rooms?”

  “Precisely,” Lori said. “With actual beds. And doors. And showers.”

  “Why are we going up there?” I asked, the wheels in my brain beginning to whirl.

  “Some youth Bible festival they want us to go to.” Lori shrugged. “I guess a bunch of churches are sending youth groups from all over the US. There’s some famous preacher who’s going to talk, and there’s a concert by that Christian rock band people are into.”

  I had no idea which Christian rock band people were into—my musical landscape didn’t extend quite that far—and I’d listened to more than enough preachers to last me until I was in college myself. But I’d listen to a hundred bands and preachers if it meant I got to share a dorm room with Christa.

  “You said we’re staying overnight?” I said. “Two nights?”

  “Yes!” Jake was close to jumping out of his seat. “We’re taking the bus up on Friday, then we’ll spend the night in the dorms, then the festival is all day Saturday so we have to spend another night, and then we drive back the next day. It’s going to be the coolest ever.”

  “Did they say anything about assigning roommates?” My imagination was racing far ahead. Crossing the border.

  What would happen if I got to share a room with Christa?

  What did I want to happen?

  I tried to focus on finding the green beads, but it wasn’t happening.

  To be truly alone with her. The idea was exciting and terrifying all at once.

  It was so much fun, feeling this way. When I’d hung out with guys before, it was always kind of cool to make out, but I never looked forward to it every second of the day the way I did with Christa. Maybe that meant I was more gay than bi.

  “No,” Jake said. “Everyone’s already pairing off, though.”

  “Gina asked me to room with her,” Lori said. “But I told her you and I always room together on trips.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Uh, actually, maybe you should room with Gina after all. I might need to—uh.”

  Lori’s face fell. But—she’d understand once she’d thought about it, wouldn’t she? Dorm rooms only had two beds. At least, they did on TV.

  “Does Christa know about the trip?” I asked. “I didn’t see her when I came in.”

  “She was here when they made the announcement,” Jake said.

  “But now she’s hanging out with her ex.” Lori jerked her thumb toward the door leading out behind the church.

  “Her ex?” I tried to look where Lori pointed, but I didn’t see anyone. “What ex?”

  “You know. Madison, from her church. They’ve been outside since we got back from lunch.”

  “She used to go out with Madison?” Christa had never said anything about them being a couple.

  “Aw, that’s so cute,” Jake said. “You’re jealous.”

  “Jealous?” I tried to act shocked. “That’s ridiculous. Why would I be jealous?”

  “Because your girlfriend might like another girl?” Jake was visibly struggling not to smile.

  “My—” I turned to Lori, my throat tightening. “You told him?”

  “Uh, she didn’t have to tell me anything,” Jake said. “Relax. Pretty much everybody’s known for, well, a while.”

  I turned to Lori, horrified. “What?”

  Lori raised her eyebrows sky-high. “You seriously didn’t know?”

  “Oh, God.” I rubbed my forehead. “She’s going to kill me.”

  “It isn’t only your fault,” Jake said. “You guys are, um, really obvious. You go off together every night. Also, this guy from Rockville was going around saying he saw you and her kissing on Tuesday after vespers.”

  That explained how Drew found out, at least. “Do you think Christa knows?”

  “Well, you didn’t.” Lori shrugged. “And, well, some
times she seems kind of oblivious, so maybe not?”

  This wasn’t helpful. I stood up. “See you guys later.”

  “Have fun.” Jake didn’t bother to cover his smile this time.

  I sighed and stepped back over the gaming boys on my way out the church’s back door.

  It took me a while to find Christa and Madison. They were standing far behind the church, at the base of the row of hills. Christa was still wearing the fedora she’d had on during the service. Madison was holding a cigarette. I’d forgotten she smoked.

  To be honest, I’d barely thought about Madison since that first night. Christa hardly ever talked about her. But Madison had super-short hair and wore board shorts everywhere, even to church. Now that I thought about it, she was such an obvious lesbian.

  As I got closer, I could hear them arguing but I couldn’t make out the words. What did it mean when your new kinda-sorta-not-really summer girlfriend had a secret fight with her ex?

  “Fine!” Madison tossed down her cigarette and ground it out under her sneaker. Then she must’ve realized she was standing in pristine Mexican nature because she picked up the butt and put it in her pocket.

  When she turned around, she looked straight at me. I wished I could disappear.

  Madison gave me a disgusted look and walked away toward the street.

  Christa turned to look at me, too. Her face was blank. Now I really wished I’d disappeared.

  She shoved her hair out of her face and ambled toward me.

  “Hey, Aki.” She was trying so hard to sound casual. It didn’t work. “How’s it going?”

  “Uh.” I looked pointedly at Madison’s retreating back. She was probably too far away to hear us now. “You tell me.”

  Christa kept her eyes on me. “Look, she gets that way sometimes. It’s her thing. She’s the queen of mood swings.”

  “What does that make you?” I said. “The ex-king?”

  Christa opened her mouth, then closed it. It was strange seeing her at a loss for words.

  “Look,” she finally said. “The thing with me and her was over so many millions of years ago.”

  So it was true. “You never told me there was a thing between you and her.”