If the Stars Fall

by Diane Adams

  "The place looks different."

  Shrugging one shoulder, Alex ducked his head. "It was pretty bare. When we went out, I bought a few things. She bought groceries. It seems our empty cupboards are evidence you're trying to starve me."

  "I've been found out." Jared quipped an automated response to the teasing, but his heart doubled its beat. He set his bag on the coffee table before moving forward cautiously. Jared came to stop just outside the boundary of Alex's personal space, taking care not to crowd him. "You're doing better."

  Alex met his eyes and gave a slight nod. "Not well by any means, but yes, I feel better."

  Jared moved as slowly as if approaching a feral animal, and stepped into his space. When Alex didn't a back away, he dared to reach out and touch his face. His beard felt soft under Jared's fingers. The hair had finally come in enough to completely cover his jaw and disguise the scars from the grafts. The underlying damaged tissue and muscle would never be the same. It affected Alex's smile, changed the shape of it, but had done nothing to alter the effect that smile had on Jared's heart.

  Alex leaned into his touch for a brief second before taking the step away Jared had expected earlier, but he wasn’t discouraged. Alex may have taken one step back, but they'd taken two forward and hope for their future stirred in his chest.

  "You get a shower and I'll finish dinner," Alex suggested.

  Determined not to push too fast, Jared struggled with his urge to draw him into his arms. He managed to keep his distance. "A hot shower sounds great, it's cold out there. I'll only be a few minutes."

  Blinking against suspicious moisture clouding his eyes, Jared hurried into the bathroom, where safely under the rush of water, he could pretend his tears of relief were nothing more than water spray on his face.

  He kept his shower short, eager to rejoin Alex. He dressed in a pair of low-slung jeans and was still toweling his hair when he gave in to his need to be close to Alex and went to join him in the other room.

  "Alex, did Masters call you…?" Jared's voice trailed off, his train of thought deserting him at the sight that met his eyes.

  Alex had turned off all the lights in the apartment with the exception of the low hanging fixture over their small table. Illumination spilled from under the dark shade, creating an intimate circle in the dark.

  He tossed his damp towel in the direction of a chair in the corner without looking to see where it landed. He moved forward, unable to resist the draw of the inviting scene. Bowls of stew sat on the table, fragrant steam wafting upward. Fresh cornbread he recognized as having come from the food market down the street, sat piled on a plate beside a big bowl filled with a crisp salad. Jared snagged a corner from the cornbread, and popped it into his mouth, turning to face Alex as he carried two glasses of ice water over to join him.

  Jared took one and set it at his place without looking away from him. Alex's cheeks colored under the close scrutiny and he broke eye contact, turning away to put his glass on the table. Jared caught him by the shoulder and turned him back, unwilling to let him escape. "Alex?"

  Alex's blush deepened. "What?" he asked in what had to be a weak attempt to imply he thought Jared had overreacted, but he didn't pull away from his touch.

  He leaned and pressed a kiss against his temple. "It's perfect, let's eat." They settled into their places across from one another. Jared lifted a spoonful of thick beefy stew into his mouth and sighed. "Wonderful." He reached for a square of cornbread, a particular favorite of Alex's, delighted he'd treated himself to something.

  Alex looked up from his bowl with a grin and Jared’s heart missed a beat. A little crooked on the right, the smile retained its former brilliance, transforming his face and lighting his eyes. The sight numbed Jared's brain and sent lust roaring through him. Swallowing, his throat suddenly dry, he grabbed his water and took a long drink. Unwilling to risk moving too fast, he distracted himself by serving the salad—crisp fresh greens, cherry tomatoes, and cucumbers doused in his mother's trademark dressing—one of Alex's limited specialties. He'd learned to turn out a mean Thanksgiving dinner and a few other favorite dishes over the years, but his true talent would never be the kitchen.

  Feeling Alex's gaze still on him, he looked up to meet his eyes. Jared's jaw tensed. He refused to cry over a smile.

  With a twitch of his lips that couldn’t be anything but amusement, Alex finally dropped his gaze to the food in front of him. "I haven’t talked to Masters in a while. Why do you ask?" He took a bite of salad as he waited for an answer.

  Jared had hired Gary Masters as their attorney when the investigation attributed the fire to an explosion caused by a gas leak in the stove. The company issued a recall on the stoves when it came to light there had been several accidents before the one that destroyed Alex and Jared’s home, and two afterwards. In three of the other incidents people died. A design error caused the back burner to work sporadically on some stoves, resulting in a dangerous leak that led to each of the explosions. Once the fault came to light, the company offered to settle out of court with all the victims, eager to avoid further bad publicity. Jared and Alex hadn't heard anything in months as the lawyers negotiated for their clients.

  Jared hesitated. With Alex doing so well he hated he’d brought up the subject at all, but he deserved to know. "Yes. He called on my way home. Royal Stoves and Appliances made an offer."

  "Yeah?" Alex rubbed the back of his neck. "What have they decided our lives were worth?"

  "Two million."

  Alex blinked. Frowned. Took a bite of stew. "Do we need it?"

  "Not at all. Insurance paid for the house. That money is in the bank waiting for us to rebuild. Your health insurance has covered most of your medical expenses. You met the out-of-pocket max for the year on the first day. It reset beginning of this year, but you're almost done." Jared studied him, trying to figure out what thoughts were going through his mind. "Business isn't the same without your input, but it's good. We're fine."

  Alex nodded and took another bite. Looking thoughtful, he chewed and swallowed before answering. "Tell Masters I said three million and all related medical issues paid for the last year and until I die. That's the settlement I'll take, or we'll see them in court."

  "Three million." Jared felt a little bewildered.

  "And medical. It'd be one thing if we were the first accident, Jared, but we weren't. We spent a ridiculous amount buying a stove and they let us take it into our home knowing something might be wrong with it. Nothing can make up for what they allowed to happen, but I'll take three million." Alex laid his spoon down.

  Jared watched with concern. "Plus medical. Aiming high is a good plan." His gentle teasing attempt to lighten the mood didn't change Alex's expression.

  "Plus medical." Looking deadly serious, he pushed back from the table. His vibrancy from earlier had faded. "I'm not hungry. Are you okay to clean up if I go on to bed?"

  "Sure, I got it. You've had a long day. I'll call Masters in the morning."

  Alex disappeared into the bedroom. A few minutes later the light clicked out. Jared glanced at the clock. 7:28. The evening stretched ahead of him, lonely and quiet. He closed his eyes for a moment, the better to recall Alex's grin. Quiet, yes, but not lonely, not with the promise of his lover's healing shining in his mind. Thoughts occupied with plans for their future, Jared finished his dinner, not noticing his stew had gotten cold.

  Nothing Without You

  Jared came awake slowly, aware something had changed, and was amazed to find Alex in his arms instead of on his own side of the bed with his back to him. Alex cuddled against him as they had slept for so many years, tight against his side, head on his shoulder, arm across his chest, and one leg tucked between Jared's. His arm tightening around him, Jared pressed a kiss into dark curls. He would miss those curls when he recovered enough to cut them off again. Alex made a quiet sound and his hips moved, rubbing his cock, hard and needy, against Jared's hip.

  Memory flared, sending Jared back t
o the beginnings of their relationship when Alex had been so very young. They'd often fallen asleep in their chair. He couldn't count the times he'd awakened to Alex exactly like this, moving against him in his sleep, and a few times Alex hadn't been asleep. In those cases Jared had feigned slumber, letting the horny young teen find what relief he could. The whole ordeal had been torturous for him, putting off his own release—sometimes for hours—and when he finally had time alone not daring to imagine the things lurking in the shadows of his mind. Alex's skin, his touch… and God help him, the boy's mouth.

  Unwilling to indulge in fantasies of things Jared denied himself in real life, computer porn had been his salvation. Bookmarked scenes of dark-haired men, images he watched, seeking mindless relief while pretending it was enough. Nothing but his flagging willpower had prevented his eyes from closing and allowing his mind to paint forbidden imagery of sixteen-year-old Alex on the back of his lids.

  Alex shifted, hips moving again, his breath hot on Jared’s neck, effectively clearing his mind of bittersweet memories. Alex hadn’t been a boy in a long time, and Jared didn’t have any reason to pretend he slept. Turning onto his side, he slid his hand to the small of Alex's back, urging him closer. His desire stirred hotter when his touch drew a gasp from Alex in his sleep. Their dicks aligned perfectly, the only barrier between them the soft cotton of Alex's pajama pants. He suffered from the cold since he'd lost so much weight, and used the lack of body fat as an excuse to create one more barrier between them.

  Despite the recent emotional distance separating them, Jared had no reservations about sliding his hand under the waistband of the sleepwear. He cupped Alex's ass, drew him nearer. His lips parted and he exhaled a hot needy sound. Jared bit back a moan, and his cock jerked and leaked in response. Alex's surprisingly strong grip dug into his hip and he rocked forward, rubbing the burning length of their cocks together. Jared took a deep breath, his heart pounding against his ribs as he wrestled his body's response under control.

  Alex burrowed his face under his chin, continuing to push against him without waking. It had been a long time since they were intimate, and much sooner than Jared wanted the moment to end, Alex shuddered in his sleep with a low groan. The scent of his release filled the air and his pajama pants became a warm damp heat against Jared's groin.

  Still holding Alex's ass in one hand, Jared kept him close, enjoying the stolen intimacy. The feel of Alex's lips nuzzling his neck clued him into the fact his lover no longer slept.

  "Will you ever take anything for yourself?" Alex's sleepy, sated voice didn't accuse.

  Jared moved his hand to touch his face in the dark, caressing his cheek before sliding back to bury his fingers in rampant curls. He brought their mouths together.

  "I already have." His lips caressed Alex's softly. His tongued snaked out to trace the shape of his mouth. Jared resisted when he moaned and sought to deepen the kiss. "Despite the fact you were too young for me, I befriended you. I loved you and I kept you. I struggled with my feelings and made a weak attempt to let you go, but when you came back I gave in too easily."

  "You were… are… good for me." Alex sounded puzzled but he didn't pull away. His lips moved against Jared's. His body shuddered under the simple caress, and his fingers tightened in Alex's hair. He struggled to remember when it had first been born within him, this unquenchable need for Alex. The answer remained a mystery, the threads of love and desire woven so thoroughly through the fabric of his being he didn't know if anything of him would remain if those strands were ever pulled free.

  "Was I good for you? You were so young. Sometimes I can't help feeling you deserved more time to figure out who you were, without so much influence from me."

  Alex frowned against his mouth. "Have you gone crazy, too? I wouldn't even be me without you."

  Alex's words were an unwitting echo of Jared's feelings, and he closed his eyes, battling a surge of emotion. He had things he needed to say, things he'd begun worrying about over the last few months. When Alex distanced himself, he couldn't help the growing fear they'd built their relationship on emotional manipulation rather than true affection.

  "Everyone acts like I'm so unselfish, a paragon of self-denial, but they have no idea what goes on inside me." Alex chuckled against his shoulder and he frowned. "What's funny?"

  "You. Jared, I had plenty of chances to decide what I wanted. You made sure I had those opportunities. I could have bailed anytime, but I chose you. I choose you. I always will."

  Relieved by his response, Jared felt the majority of his fear evaporate. "Don't laugh at me," he muttered, feeling a little silly at the extent of his apprehension.

  "Then don't suggest such foolish nonsense." Alex sighed and moved restlessly in his arms. "All you've ever done is love me. I'm the one who burned it all to the ground."

  He tried to pull away, but Jared held him tight, not about to let go when they'd come so far.

  "Because you didn't call a repair man?" Alex shrugged without saying anything, but Jared sensed his withdrawal. It was painful, but Jared understood, and he had to remain constant because Alex couldn't. "A house burned, Alex. It happens." He hesitated and then plunged ahead since Alex had opened the subject at last. "I know you feel like it's your fault. The thing is, everyone has forgotten phone calls, missed deadlines, made promises they couldn't keep. It's part of being human. Sometimes we forget important stuff and get away with it when nothing serious happens. Sometimes we forget something, or make a bad decision, and the Titanic sinks."

  No longer trying to pull away, Alex lay still in his arms. "Guess I sunk the Titanic." He sounded dejected and it broke Jared's heart.

  He cradled him, trying not to think how close he'd come the year before to losing everything. "No, Alex, you didn't. It was just a house."

  Alex clutched Jared, keeping his face buried against his shoulder. "All our things, the pictures, our chair, the table… oh my God, Jared. Everything."

  Blinking back his reaction to the feel of Alex's hot tears against his skin, Jared kissed his forehead tenderly.

  "Not everything," he whispered, "not even close."

  "I'm sorry." Alex's voice cracked, breaking Jared's control and tears wet his cheeks.

  "I know." He didn't blame Alex. Forgetting a phone call didn't equate setting fire to their home, but finally, finally he knew what Alex needed.

  "I forgive you," Jared whispered.

  He held Alex close and cried with him.

  More Than a Feeling

  The knock on the door startled Janet Ross out of her thoughts. She sat in front of her computer contemplating the article she needed to write for the local paper's social page. She hadn't been to the charity dance at the college the week before, though she'd once attended such things consistently. She'd filled her days with doing good deeds for others, and then a fire had tried to claim the life of her only child a few short weeks after their reconciliation, events that made most of the projects she'd been involved with seem petty.

  The knock came again, and with a start Janet realized she still sat in her chair staring at the blank document. She wondered briefly if how Alex’s accident affected her was normal before she turned off the screen. Maybe she should find a charity a little closer to home than saving baby seals.

  "Coming," she called, rising from her chair.

  Glancing down at her floral robe belted around her narrow waist, Janet shrugged. Unexpected visitors could take what they got. She ran a hand fretfully through her hair, knowing the hairspray from the day before had left it a wild tangle. She'd planned to knock out the article and then get a shower and dress. Instead she'd stared for hours at a blank screen, unable to keep her thoughts focused on the notes of the event she'd been given by the paper's editor the day before.

  She hadn't seen or heard from Alex in months. If not for faithful calls and visits from Clark and Stevie, and of all people, Jared's mother, Janet would have no idea what was happening with her son. Sometimes she couldn't help blaming J
ared for the whole frustrating situation. Janet opened the door, staring in stunned surprise at who stood there. She felt for an uncomfortable second as if she'd conjured Jared with her thoughts.

  "Mrs Ross?" He shifted his feet. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

  Janet felt her usual unease in his presence. They rarely spoke alone, Alex had been a buffer between them before the fire and afterwards… Janet couldn't control the first memory that surfaced whenever she recalled rushing to the hospital as soon as she'd heard about Alex's accident. Frank was doing contract work overseas and she’d had to go alone. Frantic, she'd run into the emergency room, unprepared for what she found there.

  The first thing Janet had noticed was Jared standing toe to toe with a male nurse, a man much bigger than he, while the girl at the desk watched in their direction with an ugly look of satisfaction.

  "Immediate family only." The nurse's words reached Janet through her panic and she slowed to a stop, unnoticed behind them.

  "We've been together for fifteen goddamn years, it doesn't get more immediate than that." Jared's voice sounded tight as if he was barely keeping himself together.

  Janet stared at his back, reading the tension in his shoulders, thinking inanely she'd never heard him curse before. She turned to the desk and the young woman behind it reluctantly moved away from the dramatic scene playing out in front of her.

  "Can I help you?"

  In the background, Janet heard Jared declare he held Alex's medical power of attorney and the nurse ask to see it. She saw his shoulders slump. His words made her heart hurt and multiplied her fear a thousandfold.

  "Our fucking house burned, the papers were in it." His voice broke.

  Used to Jared sounding sure and in control, she glanced in his direction with an unprecedented flair of concern.

  Compassion softened the nurse's expression, but he shook his head. "I can't let you go any farther. I am sorry."