Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel)
Page 7
Ellie felt her face redden. “They are. And they wanted more children. But it just never happened. Only me.” She paused. “Do you have any siblings?”
“Two much older sisters from my father’s first marriage. Though he wasn’t frond of them since they weren’t boys—as if that would have made a difference—and they weren’t fond of him either. They married and left home as soon as they could, which was before I was even born. Never really knew them and haven’t seen them in years.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“I’d say they’re better for it.” He wrinkled his nose and appeared to be silently cursing himself for the self-deprecating slip.
Ellie felt the tension in the room grow thick and saw him slipping into it. “The guilt aside, I’ll admit that I did find it an amusing pastime as a child, thinking about what might have been…”
“How so?”
Ellie crossed her arms and looked out the window for a moment before turning back to him with a little smile on her face. “Sometimes… sometimes I thought about the parties and the fabulous dresses and the dancing. I thought about who my parents might have been… And who I might have been.”
“Oh, don’t do that…”
“Why not?”
“Why would you ever want to be anyone else besides Ellie?”
“Well,” she blushed. “I suppose I wouldn’t.”
“I’m glad.”
“So am I.” Ellie smiled warmly. She wasn’t used to this sort of compliment. Compliments usually came to her with caveats about how if she’d only do this thing or that thing differently, it would make her oh so much more likeable. Cal seemed to like her quite a bit as is and that felt very good indeed.
“And you know, it wasn’t your fault, either,” he added. “So what if they did it for you? That was what—twenty-five years ago?”
Ellie nodded.
“You were a baby when your father gave up the title. Even if you hadn’t been, you have no control over the actions of others. You can only control how you react and how you feel.”
“I know that now. I don’t know what might have been but I do know what was. And I’m glad for the way our lives turned out without the title. We never had a lot, but we had a lot of what mattered.”
She heard him make a little hmm sound and saw him nod his head. “Well, said,” he acknowledged. His face was pleasant but his eyes were distant and looked slightly pained. Ellie got the impression that he did not grow up having a lot of what mattered.
“You know, I don’t know why I even told you about any of this. I don’t go by that name, Dillard, I mean. I never have. Though it is part of my full Christian name and I suppose I’m just a bit nervous and so I guess it...” She shrugged “I guess it just came out. I do that you see. When I’m nervous. I say things. They just come out... And... And what are you laughing at?”
“You,” he chuckled, the pleasant smile now back on his face.
“What about me?” But she knew exactly what he meant. She was getting all nervous and flustered again. She smoothed her green dress to try to calm her nerves but instead frowned upon seeing the grime that now covered it. “My mother is going to be terribly furious about this. More so that I won’t be able to tell her how it happened...”
And what had happened, indeed. Ellie was still having a hard time wrapping her brain around it all. She was having a difficult time determining what was real and what was not, as if all of this might just be a dream. As she considered the possibilities she looked back to Cal, letting her eyes lock with his. For a moment she was lost inside of their emerald depths, and that was when she knew this could not possibly be a dream. Because no matter how she tried to cast it from her mind and how far away from him she stood, she could not stop thinking about their kiss and the way it made her feel.
She remembered heat, lots of it, which flooded her lips the moment his mouth touched hers. From there it reached out, further and deeper, higher and lower, until the top of her head was on fire and the bottom of her feet were hot as coals. But it didn’t burn, not in the way that heat and fires normally do. Instead it was like ice. It was so hot it was cold. It was so cold it was hot. Like sitting in an ice bath and having boiling water poured over her head all at once. Her muscles tensed and contracted. She shivered and she gasped. And she wanted more.
Nothing had ever felt so real to her. Nothing had ever felt so needing.
As she continued to look at him, into him, a strand of his hair fell across his face and for just a moment she thought about going to him, reaching out, and brushing that hair away. And then kissing him again. They had been far too busy running after the first time for her to take everything in. She’d taken in a good deal, but something told her there would be so much more if only they had a chance to take their time. What exactly this “more” could be was only speculation to her, but the possibilities made her tingle.
She’d never felt more wicked in her life, but she’d never felt more alive.
Cal cleared his throat and Ellie looked away, embarrassed.
“Your mother will be furious, will she? You don’t think your husband will care about your dress? Or that you’re here with me? Or that we… you know…” he asked in a rather satisfied manner. He was still sitting on the bed, legs up, hands behind his head, but his smile had turned into a dashing grin. “Or am I going to have to worry about hiding from him too?”
Ellie was unable to help herself. She broke into a small fit of laughter.
Cal raised a brow. “Is there something funny about all of this?”
“No. Not at all,” Ellie managed in between laughs. “But the idea of me having a husband… me…”
“You’re not married?”
“No.” She shook her head quickly as if to show the absurdness of the idea. “No, of course not.”
“How old are you? Five and twenty, right?”
“Yes. Not that it’s any of your business.” She crossed her arms. “Why?”
“Five and twenty. You never thought you should get married?”
“Why should I be married?” she shot back with wide eyes. “How old are you? You never thought you should get married?”
“One and thirty. And yes. Yes, I have thought about it.”
“Why?” Ellie was genuinely curious now.
“Well, I—” He raked his hand through his hair and shrugged. “Well, I suppose because that’s just the way things work. That’s the order of things. Marry, start a family…”
“Why?” Ellie asked again.
“Because that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
“Says who?”
“I don’t know. The world.”
“Not my world,” Ellie laughed. “No one in my world ever told me I should or should not do anything. And I was certainly never told that I had to get married. I mean, that was half the reason my father gave up the title to begin with. I’d only just been born and my life was already being planned out for me. Without my say, or my consent. In his mind, that way of life was no better than the forced servitude he grew up with. And he didn’t want that for me. Neither did my mother. They wanted me to have a say in the way I lived.”
“And so you do.” Cal’s eyes drifted to a far off place that Ellie could not quite understand. “It is a rare and precious thing to have full control of your life. So very few people have that opportunity…”
“Are you alright?” Ellie asked though she was almost certain this was another one of those things he wouldn’t tell her.
His eyes snapped in her direction and he inhaled deeply. “Perfectly fine. I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“Don’t you want to be married?” he asked.
Ellie could tell this was not what he had been thinking about, but before she could delve any further, Cal began to laugh.
“How did I end up on this side of the discussion? Never thought I’d see the day…”
“It is a bit of a twist on the conventional, isn’t it?”
She smiled and shook her head, letting her other questions drift away for the time being. “And, yes, I do want to get married. Eventually. I’ve always just been too busy and had too many other important things in my life to give it much thought, but I suppose I want to do it one day. Yes.”
“That’s it, is it? You’ve just been too busy doing other things?” Cal seemed to find this rather amusing, but not in the sense that he found it wrong or bad. Instead, something about the sound of his voice told her he approved. It made her feel wonderful and warm.
And flustered.
“Mostly. But that’s not all.” She clasped her fingers together again tightly and took a deep breath. “You see, my Aunt Mary—the one I’m named after, which is why I go by Ellie so as not to confuse things—she always says—well, her husband told her and now she says it... anyway—that if you’re going to spend your life with someone it might as well be someone you like...” She frowned. “Well, she’s not really my aunt. She’s my mother’s first cousin which I suppose would make her my first cousin once removed... And I don’t even call her Aunt Mary. I call her Mary… but that’s not the point either, anyway...” Ellie rubbed her eyes, and shrugged. “I haven’t found anyone I like yet.”
“This whole wide world and you haven’t found anyone you like yet?” Cal’s eyes widened and he tilted his head to the side. “That sounds rather miserable.”
“Oh, it’s not like that. I mean I suppose that I’ve liked some people. Maybe even liked some people more than others but…”
“So, what was wrong with them? You didn’t like them enough?”
“Precisely. I mean there’s a difference.” Ellie gestured her left hand in front of her chest from left to right as she made her next two points. “There’s a difference between liking a person… and liking a person, you know?”
“Oh, I know that very well. But that’s not what I’m getting at. I’m having a rather hard time imagining that in your whole entire life you’ve never liked anyone that much.”
Cal turned and put his feet on the floor looking at her straight on for a moment before finally getting up off the bed and approaching her. He was within arm’s reach of her when he finally stopped. He was too close for Ellie’s comfort. Their kiss flashed through her mind and she knew her cheeks would be red in an instant.
He leaned towards her. “Never?”
Ellie shook her head silently and turned away.
She felt his breath brush across the back of her neck and tickle her ear. “Not even one person?”
“Not even one.” Ellie quickly pivoted back in his direction where she found that he’d leaned down and they were now nearly face to face. “Are you trying to make me say that I like you? You’re trying to make me say that I like you, aren’t you?”
“I would never do that.”
“No?”
“No.”
“And why is that?”
“It’s a waste of energy.”
“How so?”
“It’s pointless to force someone to do something they’re bound to do in their own time anyway.”
He smiled roguishly as if to imply he’d gotten in the last word. But Ellie didn’t even skip a beat.
“Well that’s a bit hypocritical.”
“What is?”
“Being so full of yourself.”
“What?”
“I mean for someone who says he doesn’t like to waste energy you seem to spend a lot of time blowing hot air.”
He whistled and ran both of his hands over his head from his forehead to the base of his neck.
“Oh, darn...” Ellie sighed heavily and twisted her hands together again as she bit her bottom lip. As satisfied as she was that she hadn’t given into her nerves, she also felt guilty. “Well, that was rather uncalled for. I don’t generally make it a habit of being so smart mouthed, not even to insufferable rogues like you—not that I generally spend much time conversing with insufferable rogues either—oh my… I should just stop talking and apologize—”
“Don’t you dare.”
“Don’t… apologize? Why not?”
“Fires don’t need help dying, they need help living. Never kill your own fire.”
They stared wordlessly. Ellie could hear the buzz of silence in her ears and the wild beating of her heart. It was pounding. Faster and faster. Cal reached out his hand towards her cheek. She tilted her head in his direction desperately wanting to feel his skin on hers. From the way he was looking at her, she could tell that he wanted this just as much. She gasped.
He pulled away and so did she.
“So you don’t mind it then?” Ellie cleared her throat. “That I’m… like this?”
“God, no.”
“You don’t find me tedious or tiresome? Most people do…”
“I find you endearing. And real!” He clenched his fists together and shook them. “Do you know how many people are just… real?”
“I couldn’t even begin to guess.”
“Well, I’ll tell… not bloody many!”
“I guess you’ve just never met anyone like me before, have you?” she said breathily.
He shook his head.
“Not even one person?”
“Not even one.” He chewed on his bottom lip and crossed his arms. “And not for lack of trying.”
“Well,” Ellie chuckled nervously and shrugged. “You’ve found one person now.”
“I have… have you?”
The blood rushed into Ellie’s head. Cal grinned and leaned against the wall with crossed arms.
Damn it. He’d gotten in the last word after all. Ellie wanted to frown, but she wanted him to see it even less. Instead she crossed her arms and leaned against the wall as well, glaring at him.
“So, what do you do then?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you’re so busy that you don’t even have time to think about getting married, let alone actually do it. I was wondering what keeps you so busy.”
“Oh, that. Well, I have a job.”
“Where? What do you do?” Cal asked with a bit of apprehension.
“My parents own a dress shop. What’s it to you?”
“I was just curious.” His face relaxed a bit. “A dress shop. How did a former earl get into that business?”
“My mother. She worked in a dress shop in the village where I grew up. She worked there as long as I can remember. It was owned by this little old lady—Miss Martha. She was so old! She always had been. At least that’s what she told me.” Ellie laughed at the memory. “But she was so sweet and so wonderful. She was family to us and we were family to her.” Ellie sighed. “She passed when I was fifteen and since she had no other living family, she left everything to my mother and father.”
“But how did you end up in Manchester?”
“Well, Miss Martha was keeping a secret.”
“No! How scandalous. Not such a sweet old lady!” Cal laughed. “What was this secret?”
“Money. She was rolling in money. Quite literally too… It was stuffed in her mattress!”
“You think you know someone…” Cal shook his head. “I gather that helped you to get over your guilt about the title and such, if nothing else?”
“Well, it wasn’t an earl’s fortune, obviously. But it was enough for my parents to buy a larger shop and they heard that industry was flourishing in Manchester. So they sold the shop in the village, and bought one here on London Road.” Ellie twisted her mouth. “And industry was flourishing. No doubt about it. But I don’t think they ever would have bought a shop here or moved here if either of them had realized just how skewed this ‘flourishing’ was…”
“Did you say London Road?” Cal lifted both his eyebrows. “That’s a ways from where we first met. What were you doing so close to—”
“You ask quite a bit of questions for someone who doesn’t want to give any answers of his own.”
“Who said you had to answer all the questions?”
“Just trying to pass the time.” Cal sighed heavily, tipped his head back against the wall and then looked back to her through slit eyes. “If you have another idea about how we could pass the time I’d be happy to hear it.”
Ellie could think of at least one thing. One wonderful, marvelous thing. But she didn’t dare suggest it… even though she wanted to. She cleared her throat and hugged herself tighter trying to force the memory of the kiss out of her mind. “How about I ask you a question?”
“Go right ahead.”
Ellie tapped her forefinger against her temple in an exaggerated motion. “Oh, I know: what are we doing here?”
Cal shrugged. “Standing.”
“No, that’s not what—” Ellie exhaled loudly. “I mean, why are we here? What’s the reason?”
“Oh. Well then. That’s a different question entirely.” He pointed his thumb in the direction of the door. “Don’t you remember? The first room up here was occupied. They threw something at me, a boot I think. Not a very friendly bunch. We couldn’t very well stay in that room. So we came in here.”
Ellie shook her head rapidly. “No. That’s not what I meant either…”
“Oh.” Cal feigned confusion. “You meant more broadly? I’ve never been much of a religious man so I’m not very likely to have a satisfactory answer for that one either.”
Ellie clenched her jaw.
“Oh. That’s not it either?”
“No,” she said firmly. “That is not what I meant.”
“Maybe it’s not what you meant, but it is what you asked. Didn’t anyone ever teach you the importance of the proper usage of words?”
“Of course they did,” Ellie scoffed. He was doing it again. He was teasing her and getting her all riled up on purpose. She knew she shouldn’t let him get to her, but once her blood began to boil and she became flustered it wasn’t so easy to stop. “You’re just—you’re twisting it all around and taking it too literally. You know what I mean. You’re just choosing not to answer properly!”
“Just because you don’t like the answers does not mean I’m answering improperly.”