This time Greg did gasp and he choked on his drink. But after he composed himself he shook his head again and held his tongue, even as a small smile formed on his face.
Cal leaned on the edge of the table. “And if you win?”
“You continue your work for the mill workers.”
“What?” Cal’s jaw tightened. What was happening? Was this a bloody ambush? He’d known he would have to face Ellie about this topic at some point, but not from her family. And certainly not now. “I can’t accept that bet. I won’t.”
Mary shrugged her shoulders. “Sounds like a fair deal to me…”
“This isn’t what I agreed to. I promised my uncle I would come here and spend time with all of you and listen to Ellie and I’d let her try to convince me that I’m—that I’m a good—” He swallowed the words in his throat unable to even think them let alone say them. It was all coming back now, the hurt and the anger. The feeling of worthless. “I knew this was a mistake. I don’t know why I agreed to this… I don’t know what I was thinking!”
Ellie reached for his arm but Cal pushed her away and stood up from the table. He’d let down his guard one too many times and now he was too damaged to hold anything back. A single shard of ice pierced his heart, finally releasing all the pain and sadness he’d held inside for so long. “No, Ellie. Not after everything I’ve done. Not after everyone I’ve hurt.”
“We’ve all made our fair share of mistakes,” Andrew mused as he ran his fingers along the edge of the stack of cards.
“Did any of your mistakes cause pain and suffering?”
“Did any of them not?”
“Did your mistakes cause death?”
“There’s more than one kind of death, you know.”
“There’s only one kind that counts.”
“Are you so sure?”
Cal didn’t know how to answer that. Instead he glared at Andrew, who continued on.
“In my experience, all loss is a form of death... Even the loss of a feeling or an idea. But you don’t have to let something stay lost forever.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Our actions are incredibly powerful.”
Cal scoffed. “Nothing I do will bring him back.”
“No,” Andrew stood up and stoked the fire before leaning against the mantle. “Not in the way you’re thinking, anyway. But in other ways that will live on longer than he ever would have lived on his own.”
“I can’t bring him back.”
“You can honor his memory by reforming those mills. And you can bring yourself back.”
“I. Can’t. Bring. Him. Back!”
Cal was out of the room before he even realized he was running.
***
Ellie stood in her room busying herself by unpacking. She’d come up here to escape and think after Cal left the room, but the silence was doing her no good. She was still at a loss, more so now than when she’d agreed to bring Cal along.
All she’d managed to do so far was absentmindedly pat his arm and convince him to stay downstairs and play the card game. What was that about anyway? Her touching him and him relaxing next to her. And what Mary said to Cal about seeing what Ellie saw in him. Greg had cut her off but Ellie knew what Mary was going to say. Love. And it had made her shake with fear.
Ellie closed her eyes and sighed. She didn’t understand any of this, what to do or the feelings that went along with it. She didn’t understand Cal either, and she understood herself even less. And how could she help him when she couldn’t even help herself?
“He was lying, you know.”
Ellie looked up to see her mother had entered the room behind her and was now arranging clothing in the wardrobe, or rather pretending to do so.
“What?” Ellie asked.
“He was lying.”
“About which part?” Ellie felt a smile tug at her lips though she wasn’t entirely sure why.
“He lied when he answered your questions the day you were hurt.” Ellie’s mother was looking down as she worked but Ellie saw just a sliver of a smile flash across her face. “When he said this was all just a game, that you were just a game, and that he hadn’t planned on helping anyone. That was a lie. He was lying about everything…”
I know that.
“Everything except…”
“Except what?”
“Except how he feels about you.”
Ellie’s heart fluttered in her chest. “And how is that?”
“Oh.” Now her mother actually did smile. “Don’t you know?”
“Well, I—” Ellie cleared her throat and put her hands up to her now rosy cheeks. She was sure she was wearing a mixture of emotions. Half elation and half anger that she’d allowed herself to think any of these feelings, hers or his, were real.
“Do you love him?” her mother asked frankly.
“I’m—I’m not sure how to answer that… I’m afraid to answer that.”
“And why is that?” Ellie’s mother came to her and took her hand, as they both sat down on the bed. “What are you afraid of?”
“Myself, mostly. Trusting myself. And I’m afraid of my feelings and what they might mean,” Ellie said, finally expressing her fears out loud. Somehow it made everything she’d been thinking and feeling since that day seem more real.
There was a part of her that didn’t want to move on from him. Ever. A part of her that still loved him so completely and with every fiber of her being that she still ached with want and need. Because deep inside, she still harbored the secret belief that she’d been right about the Cal she knew and wrong about the Lord McAlister she didn’t know.
That part of her still held out hope. That part still believed he was a good person even though he’d lied to her. He’d just gotten in over his head, and it wasn’t as if she’d made it any easier for him with all the terrible things she’d said. She couldn’t say she would have done any differently in his position. And she could respect that and understand it if it was the truth.
But she was afraid to even consider the possibility. She was afraid to trust herself again and let down her guard just to be thrown into the depths of confusion and despair once more. And that was hardest part—learning to trust herself again. It was even harder than leaning to trust others.
“I mean what if I say that I love him, even now, only to find that the person I love doesn’t even exist and never did? I mean all this time I couldn’t see who he was—”
“Couldn’t you though?” Ellie turned her head to see her father leaning against the door frame.
“What?”
“Oh, a person is more than their name. Just look at you dear, you have so many, none of which you chose… And from them you choose your own identity and a new name in which to embody it.” He came and sat down next to Ellie as well, patting her hand. “And you know, he didn’t choose that title of his either, any more than I chose the one I was given… But he did choose the name you call him by and the identity that goes along with that.”
“I—I never thought about it that way.”
“That said,” her mother chimed in. “I will say I was a bit surprised when I saw you with him the first time and realized who he was—”
“You what?” Ellie nearly choked on the words as she looked to her mother.
“I saw the two of you together long before I came to fetch you that day you were injured. And I knew who he was long before Mandy so unceremoniously yelled out his name.”
“But how?” Her mother had said she knew about Cal, but Ellie never imaged she’d actually seen them together. Or even more shockingly, that she’d known who he was.
“Oh…” Ellie’s mother waved her hand and crossed her arms.
“Mother?”
“Oh, alright.” She cleared her throat. “I told you, none of you whisper as quietly as you think and I’ll admit it, I was curious. So one night I stayed up late and—”
“Mother!”
“I know. I know. I
’m rather embarrassed about it myself. But a mother never stops being a mother, no matter how old her children grow.”
Ellie rolled her eyes, but smiled, letting her mother’s love nestle comfortably inside of her.
“And as far as how I knew who he was…”
“Yes?”
“I met him once at one of Lady Rivenhall’s parties years ago. When I saw him with you, I recognized him immediately.”
“And you just…” Ellie shook her head, slack jawed. “Let me? You didn’t care?”
“Of course I cared! But you’re a grown woman—yes, I know. I’ve said it. My baby girl is all grown-up.” Ellie’s mother smiled and kissed her daughter’s forehead. “But that’s not the point. The point is that because I’m your mother, I know you. I know how you are with people and so I trusted you. I trusted that you knew what you were doing regardless of whether you knew who he was or not. And I still trust you. You hear that? If I can trust you then there’s no reason you shouldn’t trust yourself.”
Ellie took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I can. How do I know for sure that I wasn’t wrong about him and that I won’t just get my heart broken?”
“Oh, neither of us can guarantee you won’t end up with a broken heart.” Ellie’s father shook his head with a small chuckle. “I think we’d be better off guaranteeing that you will. Such is life. And a broken heart isn’t always the tragedy we imagine it to be.”
“But I can guarantee something else,” Ellie’s mother added.
“What?”
“That you were right.”
Ellie raised an eyebrow. “But how? How do I know that for sure?”
“Trust me. You do trust me don’t you?”
“Yes. Of course,” Ellie said without a doubt.
“Alright then. So trust me when I say that the man standing in that room the day you were hurt was not the same man I met before at the dowager’s party. Believe that and use your trust in me to have trust in yourself. Because I’m telling you that you were right. Your instincts were right, my dear, as they so often are… He’s hurting and he has immense guilt over how he treated you. But he’s a very good man.”
Ellie paused, a sense of warm relief washing after weeks of tension. “I did once… Love him, I mean.”
“Yes or no?” her mother asked again. “There’s not an in-between when it comes to love, dear.”
“Yes.” Ellie said taking the chance. “I do.” She was surprised with just how easy it was to admit.
“But?” her father asked, knowing she had a caveat.
“Let’s just say that I can find a way to trust my own instincts again. That I can believe he’s the person I thought he was.”
“He is.” Her mother assured. “And he loves you.”
For just a moment, Ellie allowed that to make her smile. “There’s still the other part of all of this…”
Her father leaned back on his elbows. “And what part is that?”
“Trusting him. And his world. Because it’s people like him you were trying to keep me from in the first place.”
“People like him? No.” Her mother laughed, seeming to find the idea very amusing. “Not people like him at all.”
“But this isn’t what you wanted for me.” Ellie leaned back now on one arm and gestured the other one in front of her. “His world.”
“Isn’t it, though?” her father asked.
“But… but I thought that was why you abdicated your title, to save me from—”
“No. No, my dear. You’ve misunderstood. We didn’t save you,” her father said. “You saved us. The least we could do was return the favor.”
“No... I don’t understand…” Ellie shook her head, dazed.
“Oh, but you did,” her mother said placing a hand on her daughter’s face. “When we couldn’t see our love in each other we saw it in you.”
“But...”
“But don’t you see?” Ellie’s mother continued to cradle her face in her hands. “That means it’s always been inside of you. You’ve always had the power to save yourself. And that’s all we ever wanted for you. For you to have the ability to forge your own way in life. To make your own choices. To have the strength to do whatever you want and to handle your decisions once you make them. And so that’s why we left that world—not because we decided how you should live, but because we hadn’t decided and we didn’t want to. We wanted to give that choice to you.”
Ellie’s mother wrapped her arms around Ellie and held her tight. “You’ll trust yourself again one day, probably sooner than you think. And when you do, you won’t need my help or anyone else’s to figure out what to do with your life.”
Ellie hugged her mother with all her might. “I’ve always thought there was something more inside of me, something strong and powerful but I didn’t know how to find it. And maybe I won’t need help to make decisions, but I did need help to figure out who I truly was. Cal, he—” Ellie choked on his name. “I thought that maybe I was wrong about that too, that what I’d discovered about myself couldn’t possibly be true because it stemmed from Cal… but now you say that you saw those things in me as well. That those things have always been there… Perhaps, perhaps I can trust—”
The sobs rose up in Ellie’s throat and poured out, the pain of the past several weeks leaving her body in a tidal wave. Her parents held her tight until at last she felt a warm current of strength and confidence spreading through her body. She had hope once more. And for the first time in a long time she allowed herself to relish in the possibilities.
“Do you know what the best feeling in the world is for parents?” her father asked as they all pulled away.
“What?” Ellie sniffed and wiped her eyes.
Ellie’s mother also wiped away tears as she answered for the both of them. “The moment they realize their child has both the knowledge and the power needed to live a fulfilling life. And so, if this is the choice that you want to make—to love him and be part of his world—then by all means do it! That world will be lucky to have you. And so will he.”
Ellie smiled as a quiet determination filled her. Yes he will.
Chapter 17
Cal wasn’t sure how long he had walked through the gardens alone looking up at the sky in silence, with his thoughts and feelings at war just below the surface. But at some point later, he heard the sound of a twig snap and he knew he was no longer alone. He didn’t have to look to know that it was Ellie. He wasn’t surprised that she’d come to look for him, he was only surprised that it had taken her this long.
“I didn’t put her up to that you know. That’s just… Mary for you…”
“I know that wasn’t your fault.”
“Well…” He saw Ellie bite her lip. “Should we talk about it all now? About your work and you and… Hart…”
“No,” Cal shook his head, a vice clenching his chest. “I don’t want to talk about anything. I don’t know why I even agreed to this. Because I already know the truth… I’m not good enough to run the company. I’m not good enough to help anyone. I should have realized it when you told me I was a good man, all while I was lying to you about who I was.” He jabbed his thumbs into his chest. “I should have known right then that I was just lying to myself as well and realized I should give it all up. I should have done the right thing by you and because of you. And then thanked you for helping me to realize the truth…”
“If you do that then you’ll be taking the coward’s way out, Cal.”
“What?” He could scarcely believe what he was hearing. “Did you just call me a coward?”
“I did. And I mean it. You’ll be taking the coward’s way out. Doing what’s easy instead of what’s right.”
“You think this is easy?”
“Yes. Giving up and not fighting is always easier and I won’t let you do it. Because you’re not a coward.”
“If giving up a fruitless pursuit makes me a coward then I guess that’s what I am.”
He pointed a finger at her and clenched his teeth as he added, “But I’ll do whatever the hell I want.”
“Not in my name, you bloody won’t!”
“Then I’ll do it in my name. Because my name is shit already. I mean, you know that. You had no problem telling me over and over again. Hissing out my title like it was venom in your mouth. I’m nothing but a wicked duke. Isn’t that what you said? I should have just listened to you...”
“I—” Ellie slumped her shoulders and cradled her face in her hands for just a moment. “I’m sorry. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for that mistake. And for second guessing you once I found out the truth about who you are, because I know now just how wrong I was. I knew even then but I was too caught up in my own mistakes and embarrassments to admit it and—and I want you to know that—that—” She took a deep breath through a tremor. “—that this is about more than just the workers now. This is about you too. I was—I was wrong. And I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry. So sorry for not giving you the chance. And I can only hope that one day you’ll forgive me. For all of it—”
“What’s to forgive when you were telling the truth?”
She turned her head away and he saw the rise and fall of her throat in the moonlight. When she looked back to him he could tell that she was holding back tears. It made his insides twist and ache.
“I wasn’t. I was wrong. So I hope you’ll reconsider someday and that you’ll forgive me… Just as I’ll forgive you for lying to me.” She swallowed back more tears with a small pained sound in her throat. “But—but what I won’t forgive is if you forget everything else I ever told you about the person you are… because I meant every word of it and I believe with all of my heart that it was true. And still is true…”
“You’re wrong.” Cal couldn’t even bear to look at her. “I’m no better than my father. I never have been. I’ve lived up to his name and his title.”
“I’m not wrong,” she said trying to take his hand, but he pulled away and so she hugged herself. “Not about this, anyway. Regardless of what your name is—no, in spite of what your name is—you are a good man. You’re not like your father. Not anything like him. Far from it. You took that name and that title and gave them dignity again. And you’ll be making the wrong decision if you give this all up.”
Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) Page 29