“I’m not a good man and I’m not making the wrong decision now! I made the wrong decision before, but not now.”
“And what wrong decision was that? Exactly?”
“Believing that I could ever do anything meaningful. That I could ever touch something without causing it harm.”
“No. That’s not—”
For a second time she tried to comfort him with her touch and for a second time he pushed her away, shaking his head rapidly, his insides stinging from her hope and her determination.
“What happened to the Cal I met in the market place? The Cal who wasn’t afraid to take a chance and kiss a woman he’d just met and take her off on an adventure? What—what happened to the Cal I bonded with over dreams of change, hope, and making a difference in the world? Where did he go?” The sound of her voice was mournful, as if someone she loved had passed on from this world.
He has passed on, Cal thought. “He’s gone.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Well, you should. Because it’s true. That man is gone and I’m—” Bloody hell, he was about to cry. He swallowed several times to hold back the sobs. “I’m not sure he ever existed… I know he never existed. There’s no way a man like that could have.”
“I believe he’s still in there and that you just need help finding him.” Ellie smiled and stepped in closer. “Maybe you don’t like yourself right now and I can understand that because sometimes life just happens. And we end up in places we never thought we’d be and we do things and say things we aren’t proud of that make our insides hurt when we remember them the next day. But those things do not equal the total of our character.”
Cal scoffed. “This has nothing to do with liking myself.”
“Of course it does. It’s like what my mother said earlier about life not being worth living if you’re not true to yourself. “
“The same goes for pretending to be something you’re not. If I lie to myself about who I am, pretend to be better than I am, then I’m not being true either.”
“You don’t ever have to worry about that again. All you have to do is trust me.”
And that was when Cal knew that she was telling the truth, or at least that she truly believed she was, and that she wasn’t just saying all of this because she’d made a promise to his uncle.
He could tell now just from the sound of her voice that she’d already forgiven him even if she hadn’t fully admitted it to herself yet. He could also tell that she meant it when she said this was about him now, and not just the workers. Secretly, desperately, in the back of his mind and deep inside his injured heart he’d hoped for a moment like this, but now that it was actually here he didn’t know what to do with it. Even the thought of believing that she was right sent a sharp pain through his entire body.
“I need to know something,” he asked. “I need to know why you changed your mind. What made you change your mind about me?”
She tilted her head to the side. “It was something my parents said.”
“And what was that?”
“That we aren’t defined by our mistakes.”
“Then what are we defined by?”
“The way we fix those mistakes. Because making mistakes is easy.” She laughed wearily at that part before finishing the thought. “Owning up to them, fixing them though, that’s what takes courage and shows character.”
“I’m not fixing anything.”
“But you will,” she said with such confidence that it made his heart melt. “You’ll sure as hell try anyway. And that’s what makes the difference.”
His knees went weak as he wiped at his face. This time when Ellie reached for him he didn’t protest. He let her help him to a sitting position on the ground as tingles spread through his body every place that she touched. Then she gathered her skirts and sat down next to him, looking him over for a good long time.
“Mostly it was you, though. I changed my mind because of you.”
“Me?” Cal laughed.
“I can’t help but look at you and know the truth. I can’t help but be around you and feel it. No one can. Not my family, not your Uncle. And from what you tell me, neither could Hart.”
“What if—” Cal’s voice caught at memories of his long gone best friend. “What if I can’t see it? Or feel it?”
“Sometimes you won’t. That happens. It’s so easy to be clouded by your own judgment, to jumble everything up inside until you can’t see who you are anymore. And in those times you have to look to others… to your friends, partners, and family, anyone less jaded, in order to find your real self. These people, the ones who love you, can always see you even when you can’t.” She scooted closer to him and squeezed his hand. The word love had not been lost on him. “So if you can’t find the strength or faith in yourself, then find it in me.”
“I can’t ask you—”
“You’re not asking me anything. I’m offering and giving freely. There’s a difference. And if you get nothing else out of this moment, or this trip or whatever else that happens these next few days, remember this. Know this: I can see you. I’ve always been able to see you, just as Hart always saw you. And you’ve never been anything but a good man.”
That was the thing about perspectives, Cal remembered. Everyone had a different one.
And sometimes, his was wrong.
A sly smile crossed Ellie’s face. “You know, I meant it when I said I believed in you and that if there was anyone who could change Lord McAlister it was you. I just didn’t know I meant it literally.”
He covered her hand with his and returned the rejuvenating squeeze as they sat in silence and solitude underneath the peaceful sky.
“Can I have the night?” he asked her eventually. He had more to think about than whether or not she was right. Was he right for her? Were they right for each other?
“You can have as long as you need, as long as you promise me one thing.”
“And what’s that?”
“That whatever you decide you’ll do it because it’s the right thing to do, not because it’s the easy thing. Whatever it might be.”
“I promise,” he said.
And with that she gave him a kiss on the forehead, her lips warm and soft and the best thing he’d ever felt in his life, before she left him to his own devices. He stayed in the garden well into the morning hours, long after the sun ushered in the day, long after the birds began to chirp and sing, and long after everything was covered with a glistening dew. Then, and only then, when his eyes were heavy and his heart was not, did he make his way to his room and fall asleep.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept peacefully without the aid of alcohol, but this time he drifted off with a blink, and when he opened his eyes again the sun was already long gone. He sat for a moment deep in thought before washing and dressing and setting off to look for his hosts. It wasn’t a difficult task. All he had to do was follow the sound of laughter. When he found them all in the same room where they’d played cards the day before, he stood outside for a moment, just out of sight and watched.
As he looked around the room to the smiling faces and let the sounds of laughter touch and fill him, he finally understood where Ellie got it all from. That kindness and caring, that compassion for others, that (sometimes) quiet boldness. Unlike him, she’d never known anything else in her life but this. To do what was right and good in all cases. To be herself no matter what others said or did. To take a stand and never give up on anyone or anything. Even now, even after all he’d put her through she was taking a chance. She was warming to him again and, as scary as it was, he was warming to her too.
But which part of him was warming: his head or his heart? And which would he allow her to touch once more?
For the first time in a long time, he had no difficulty distinguishing between right and easy. He stepped into the room and cleared his throat. When everyone was looking at him and smiling he said, “I accept your bet, Mary.”
; In the end, Cal lost, but losing had never felt more like winning. And later that evening after many more games and much more laughter, Ellie came to his side.
“So you’ve figured out what’s right, then? And you’ll continue your work?”
“Oh yes. That I will.” He patted her hand and squeezed it gently. A small shiver went through her and her cheeks touched with red. “And it’s all because of you.”
She smiled now and squeezed his hand back, letting their fingers rest together for a little while longer.
After a moment she tilted her head and exhaled. “There’s something that I want to tel—That’s to say that I lov—” Her lips twitched with a shy smile and she looked down, swallowing. “Tomorrow. We’ve covered enough ground for now,” she said before she was swept away into the conversations around them once more.
He couldn’t help but watch her from a distance. She was vibrant again and alive. And she had been about to tell him that she loved him.
He took a slow sip of his drink as he listened to the fire pop and crackle, and saw its bright colors dance against the starry night sky outside. It was mesmerizing but even the light of this fire was no comparison to her. Next to Ellie, it was nothing more than a dim flicker, while she was a blazing flame that brought life and light to everything. There was no question about it. She had certainly brought life to him.
And he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone in the world. He knew that now. With her he was something more than he was on his own.
But what of her? Did he make her more or less? There was no question that she gave him plenty but he didn’t know what he had to offer in return. Or if he was even capable of offering anything. His greatest fear was that she completed him, filling all his little holes and cracks, and leaving herself incomplete in the process. He’d hoped that one day he’d make her feel as content and complete as she’d helped him to feel. But how would he measure something like that? How would he ever really know that he’d been successful?
There were many things he did know now after spending time with Ellie’s family that he hadn’t known before—his ability to run his company any way he saw fit and to help the workers in any way possible, for instance. But there were other things he felt he would never know and never be able to trust—most importantly his ability to always protect Ellie from others and from himself. Or his ability to have as much to offer her as she offered him.
So, in this moment as he watched the golden light kiss her hair and her smiling face, he knew that he could never have her because he could never be certain of what the future would hold for them. It wasn’t a matter of being good enough anymore. It was a matter of what was best for her, of what was right and what was wrong. It was a matter of the benefits and risks of it all. And he wouldn’t risk Ellie no matter how much his heart burst to make her his forever, and how much it would hurt her for him to say goodbye. But he’d rather break her heart again this once, than break it a million times over for the rest of her life.
He was gone by the next morning.
It was the most unselfish thing he’d ever done in his entire life.
And the most loving.
Chapter 18
Ellie slept peacefully.
Sleep had been a stranger to her for near on a month but tonight it made itself intimately acquainted with her. Tonight sleep enveloped her, welcoming her in as a friend. And when she awoke the next morning, even though it was later than she’d wanted, she finally felt rested and at peace, in both body and mind. She welcomed the feeling with a deep, inviting breath and felt once again that she could face anything.
But that feeling was quickly dashed when she saw her mother and Mary step into the doorway with frowns on their faces.
Ellie felt her body tense up even though a part of her had expected this. He’d made so much progress in only two days. He’d admitted he was capable and strong. But loving someone? That was a whole other type of vulnerable.
“He’s gone?” she asked.
Her mother just nodded her head.
“You know what you have to do then, don’t you?” Mary asked.
“Go after him?”
“Yes! Of course. A good old fashioned chase. A beat the clock.” Mary’s eyes hazed with memories. “Oh, this reminds me of my wedding day when Greg raced to me.”
Ellie smiled, remembering the telling of that story all too well. “I have no intention of showing up covered in mud.”
“Oh, you say that now, but when it comes down to it, I dare say you’ll do whatever it takes to get the one you love.”
Ellie laughed as she climbed out of bed. “Can I have a moment to dress then? I’d at least like to show up properly clothed.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Ellie’s mother elbowed Mary in the ribs.
“What? You know it’s true?”
“Oh, lord.” Ellie’s mother wiped her forehead. “Out Mary. Out. Let the girl dress.”
“The woman!” Mary called as she was pushed out of the door.
“Alright, ‘the woman.’” Ellie heard her mother yield as she closed the door behind her.
Ellie smiled to herself as she dressed quickly and continued to smile minutes later as she readmitted her mother and Mary to help with her with final dressing preparations and to encourage her on her journey.
“Oh, you’ll be just fine. Just show him a bit of—”
“Love,” Ellie’s mother interrupted Mary with slit eyes. “Just show him a bit of love.”
“Alright. Love works too,” Mary conceded. “Now give me a hug.”
Ellie complied and her mother joined in as well.
“Now go. And don’t give up,” she said to her daughter as she pulled away.
“I won’t. I promise.”
“You don’t need to promise me. You need to promise yourself.”
As she left the room, Ellie rested her hand against the wooden door, searching for strength. “I promise,” she whispered to herself.
And from somewhere off in the shadows Ellie heard another whisper. “I knew it!”
Amelia.
The whispering continued. “This is just like that last book I read—”
“This is not a book!” Ellie yelled as she turned in Amelia’s direction. For just a second she wanted to chastise Amelia for how lightly she seemed to treat the world, but instead Ellie ran to her and hugged her for always having the courage to believe the improbable. “Don’t you ever, ever stop believing.”
“As if that could ever happen.” Amelia patted Ellie’s shoulders.
“I mean it.”
“Well, so do I.”
“And there’s something else.” Ellie said, an amused smile forming on her face. “I told you once that I’d tell you first if it happened, and you were right Amelia.”
“Right about what?”
“I’m a living breathing, romance novel heroine.”
“You are?”
“Of course. I can be anything I want to be. And so can you.”
Amelia’s eyes were wide with excitement. “You have to tell me all about it! Everything!”
“I will. I promise. But it’s not over yet. I have to go get my duke first.” Ellie waved her hand. “You know how these things go.”
“But—”
“Don’t worry. He’s a prince to me.”
“Of course he is! But that’s not it. What I meant was… shouldn’t the prince come get you? I mean that is how it happens is all of the books…”
“Oh, not in my book. In my book I write my own story. We all must. And I won’t settle for anything but my happy ending.”
***
In retrospect it had been a rather foolish decision, but the holiday had restored him in such a way that he knew he must take action immediately.
Even though his heart was heavy with the absence of Ellie, he was determined to press forward for the good of all involved. As such he hadn’t even made it ten minutes into the journey home before he was so ove
rwhelmed with exciting new ideas that his hands shook. He’d changed courses immediately and headed straight towards the mill on Long Millgate without even stopping to change his clothes or eat.
He’d braced himself as he approached the mill on foot. It was quite a gamble for him to stop hiding who he was and he fully expected the people who’d been following him, the eyes and ears of his shareholders, to completely lose their minds. They’d confront him, intimidate him, and perhaps even threaten him as his Uncle had always warned, but Cal no longer cared. As long as he had his Uncle’s word and his vote then these people could say whatever they wanted. And even though he didn’t want to do it, if they tried to lay even a finger on him he’d claim his peerage privilege and threaten them with ruin.
The workers were a bit of a different matter. He knew that they wouldn’t be happy with him, not only because of who he was, but also because he had deceived them about it. What he didn’t know is how they would react. It was more than likely that they would beat him down with words and looks rather than fists, but after what he’d put them though he wouldn’t blame a one of them if they took a more drastic measure.
And he didn’t have to wait long for that to happen.
Cal was nearing the mill’s entrance when he heard the sound of running behind him and a voice calling after him.
“Hey! Hey you! Yeah, you up there! McAlister! Or do you prefer Lord McAlister? I can’t keep up with all those fancy titles of you lot…”
Hell. Cal stopped dead in his tracks and turned his head to look over his shoulder just in time to avoid the punch being thrown his way. Cal jumped back and held up his hands
“Yeah, I know who you are. Why do you look so surprised? Figure someone so poor as me isn’t smart enough to figure it all out? Bet you don’t even remember who I am, but I remember you. Oh yes I do. And that pretty girl of yours too. Why I’d a taken a swing at you last time I saw you if it hadn’t been for her…”
Love and Other Wicked Games (A Wicked Game Novel) Page 30