"I love you," she told me breathily. I sighed at her words.
"I love you," I responded in a low growl. "Now put your arms above your head."
She obeyed immediately, her eyes sure and trusting now. I strapped a cuff to each of her wrists snugly and asked her if they were too tight. She shook her head, and I attached them together around one of the bars on the headboard. Her eyes were fearless as she watched me hold the blindfold up to her and nodded. I placed it gently over her eyes and then kissed her again. She sighed and arched her back up toward me.
"Are you okay?" I asked her. She nodded again. I moved down the bed and grabbed the sides of her panties and slowly slid them down her legs. She moaned and thrust her hips up toward my face. I breathed in her scent and shuddered with need. I straightened and pulled her panties the rest of the way off then took off her nude heels and tossed them on the floor. I kissed the arch of each foot before putting them down on the mattress. "Bend your knees and spread your legs." She complied, and I was gifted with a view of her beautiful pussy, wet and glistening for me. I scooted down the mattress and lay on my stomach, my face inches from her luscious core. I breathed onto her clit and listened to her soft needy moan as her hips thrust upward again.
I couldn't wait anymore. I laved my tongue across her folds from bottom to top, groaning from the taste of her, so sweet and unbelievably good. "I love how you taste," I mumbled against her. I had planned on teasing her some more, working her up until she begged for release, but I just couldn't do it. I needed to make her come now and watch her fall apart from between her soft thighs. I thrust my tongue against her clit, and I moaned as she gasped and raised her pelvis up toward my face. I swirled and flicked my tongue on the perfect little nub, watching her writhe on the bed, her arms fighting her restraints.
Suddenly, she arched her back. Her legs shook, and I pressed my tongue firmly onto her clit, sending her over the edge. She wailed as the climax hit her hard. I lapped up her pleasure as she came back down, her body going limp. A deep satisfied sigh escaped her lips, and I couldn't help the smile that flashed across mine. I pushed two fingers into her then, the warm plushness feeling so tight. I began thrusting and wiggling my fingertips inside her, making her writhe some more. I leaned in and swirled my tongue across her clit another time, the duel sensations sending her flying all over again.
I was done being patient. I needed to be inside her right fucking now. I stood up from the bed and took off my clothes hastily, watching her chest rise and fall with her panting breaths. I grabbed the other two cuffs and put one on each ankle, attaching them to the foot board with her legs spread wide. She mewled when I ran my hands up her legs as I crawled back up her body to hover over her again. This time her nipples brushed across my bare chest, making me shiver with desire.
"I need you," I growled into her ear. "I need you everyday. Need to feel you warm and tight all around me." My voice turned hoarse and needy. "Need to come inside you."
She whimpered as I rubbed the head of my cock through her swollen folds, feeling how soaking wet and ready she was for me. I pushed myself into her slowly, watching her lips part as she moaned with pleasure. Her insides rippled around me, and I froze to keep from coming. When she stilled I began to move, thrusting hard and deep into her as I gave into my lust. She began screaming my name as she climaxed under me, her limbs pulling on her restraints, her back coming up off the mattress. I moved faster, making her orgasm again and again. Finally, her pussy clamped down so tight that my release slammed into me hard. My body seized and writhed on top of her, my cock jerking inside her, jets of semen pumping out of me and into her. It felt fucking amazing. I snarled and growled through it as I watched her convulse with pleasure beneath me.
I collapsed on top of her just long enough to catch my breath then gently unbuckled the cuffs from her limbs. I removed her blindfold, wrapped her up in my arms, and curled myself around her.
"It could be like this everyday," I whispered to her. "I need you here with me. I can't spend a night without you. Please say yes. Please live with me," I pleaded. " I love you. Everything I have is yours." I felt her take in a deep breath, and I braced for disappointment, knowing how scared she was, but unable to help myself from begging.
"Yes," she whispered.
"What?" I asked in shock, unsure if I had heard her right.
"I'll move in with you."
A wave of pure pleasure washed over me at her words. It welled up inside of me and filled me up. I could feel tears pricking my eyes. I squeezed her tightly in my arms, never wanting to let her go. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this happy, if ever.
"You're my everything, Sydney," I told her as the tears fell from my eyes. "I'll always take care of you. You'll see."
"I know," she answered in a wavering voice as she turned in my arms to face me. "I love you." She kissed my tears away and cradled my face in her hands, her gray eyes tender and loving. "You're my everything, and I can't spend a night without you either."
I rolled onto my back. I pulled her in tight against my body, resting her head on my chest, and we easily drifted off to sleep in each other's arms.
**********
"Basically, your brain is on high alert all the time right now because of the trauma you went through," David explained. "So you end up overreacting to any stressful situation."
We were sitting on the couch in my living room on Sunday afternoon. Sydney had left to go to the grocery, so she could make us dinner and pick up some stuff from her apartment. I still couldn't believe she had agreed to move in with me, and I had already cleared out part of my closet for her this morning. I was elated to have her put her stuff next to mine. It was kind of pathetic really, but I didn't care.
"So how do we get that to stop?" I asked as I ran a hand through my hair nervously.
"We have to desensitize your nervous system by lessening your body's general state of arousal," David continued.
"Arousal?" I asked with a mortified voice.
"Not that kind of arousal," David clarified with a dismissive wave of his hand and a wry smile. "General arousal is just what they call it when your brain is on high alert all the time. It's a normal response to stress that won't turn off with PTSD."
"Thank God, I thought you were going to tell me I have to stop having sex." I laughed. That wasn't going to happen. I needed sex with Sydney like I needed food or oxygen. I couldn't live without it.
"Don't worry, that's not necessary," he said with a huge grin. "In fact, sex is a good outlet for the excess stress you're carrying around. So is exercise."
"Sex is the only exercise I've been getting lately," I admitted sheepishly.
"How do you feel about running?" he asked curiously.
"I used to run all the time before..." I trailed off, not wanting to finish the thought.
"Before the accident?" he prompted.
"Yeah."
"It wouldn't be a bad idea to take it up again," he said. "We could run before our sessions. You can burn off some of that excess energy you're carrying around beforehand."
"I'm good with that," I told him with a nod. "I'm desperate here. I'll do whatever you suggest at this point."
"Try to remember that when things get difficult, alright?"
"So...how do you desensitize my nervous system?" I asked reluctantly, afraid of what the answer might be.
"Every time you have a panic attack you have to confront the symptoms. You can't avoid them. You have to go with the symptoms. You can't force them down or fight them anymore. That doesn't work as you've probably figured out already."
"Obviously," I said sardonically with a shake of my head. Nothing I had tried had ever helped.
"Then we start on memory work," he said with a more serious expression. "We have to get your walled off traumatic memories integrated back with your other normal memories."
"That sounds terrifying," I admitted.
"Every time you have a panic attack and calm down afterwords, th
e next ones will be easier and easier. A panic attack cannot hurt you, no matter how it feels at the time. Try to remember that."
"So where do we start then?" I asked reluctantly.
"We're going to talk about your brother today."
I suddenly pushed my back into the cushion behind me with a gasp, like I was trying to escape. I felt a familiar urge to flee the damn room, my heart rate already spiking.
"I want you to tell me what your brother was like," David said as he watched me, his demeanor calm. "What it was like growing up with him? How you feel about him?"
"I...I..." I stammered out as I struggled for control, my chest tightening and my stomach churning.
"Don't fight it, remember?" David said as he leaned closer to me. "Focus on your breathing and try to relax into it. I don't want you withdrawing from it. I want you to go into it."
I tried to do what he said. I slowly managed to get a handle on my rapid breathing, the fear lessening a little as the panic started to fade.
"Tell me what you're feeling right now," David said evenly. Fuck, the guy was unflappable. No wonder he was good at his job.
"I...I'm afraid," I whispered harshly as I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Open your eyes, Jensen," he said, and I looked at him again. "What are you afraid of?"
"That...I'll lose control, that I'll go crazy," I forced out.
"That's not going to happen. You're just having a fight or flight response at the wrong time. It can't make you crazy, and it can only last so long before it passes."
"Oh...okay," I stammered out as fear and panic flooded me again, but I didn't fight it this time. Holy fuck, it was terrifying, and the out of control feelings threatened to overwhelm me. "Oh fuck," I gasped out. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." David grabbed my hand, and it seemed to ground me.
"You're safe and nothing bad is going to happen to you," David reassured me. "Repeat that back to me."
"I'm safe...and...and nothing bad is going to happen to me," I mumbled.
"Say it again."
"I...I'm safe and n...nothing bad is going to happen to me." It came out clearer this time. David had me repeat it over and over again before the overwhelmed feeling I was having started to fade away. My grip on David's hand actually relaxed, and I felt like I could breathe again.
"Say it one more time," he prompted me.
"I'm safe and nothing bad is going to happen to me," I managed to say clearly and firmly.
"Good job," David said as he released my hand.
"But I didn't say anything about my b...brother," I said in bewilderment.
"That wasn't the point," he said as he shook his head.
"Oh," I said, flabbergasted by what I had accomplished. We sat in silence for a while, David giving me a moment to process what had just happened. I was stunned that it had worked. It wasn't that I doubted David. I had expected to fail miserably. I assumed that I'd fuck it up somehow, like I always did.
"I think that's about enough for today," David announced as he glanced at his watch. "Syd will be back soon to make us dinner. If you want, you can go lay down for a while."
"Alright." I nodded, realizing I did feel fucking exhausted suddenly. I rose and walked toward the stairs.
"Sydney will wake you up for dinner."
I nodded as I took the first step then stopped abruptly. I turned back to David, who was just turning on the television.
"He was my hero," I whispered as tears welled up in my eyes.
"What was that?" David asked as he looked at me and cocked his head.
"Jordan," I said his name with reverence. "He was my hero." The tears flowed unchecked down my face, and David's eyes filled with sympathy and understanding. He simply acknowledged my statement with a small nod. I nodded back, turned toward the stairs, and continued up to my room. I crawled into my bed and cried quietly until I fell asleep.
Chapter Five
Sydney
"Shouldn't you have left by now?" I asked Jensen as I walked into the kitchen Monday morning to make some coffee and grab some breakfast. I bought a single-serve coffee maker yesterday, since Jensen hated the stuff and didn't have one. If I was moving in I had to have my caffeine fix in the morning.
"I guess," he mumbled as he looked up at me from his smart phone. He was drinking a glass of orange juice, his phone on the table in front of his now empty cereal bowl. He looked lost as he met my eyes.
"Don't you want to go back to work?" I asked him as I pulled a mug down from the cupboard. I bought mugs yesterday too. "You love your job." I watched him sigh with resignation.
"They're all going to look at me that way again," he grumbled as I got the coffee maker ready to brew.
"What way?" I asked as I started the coffee maker with my mug under it. I walked over to the table and sat down next to him. I slid his empty bowl over to me and poured more cereal into it.
"Like they feel sorry for me, and they don't know how to act around me," he said, his eyes sad and his voice full of tension.
"Oh," I whispered as I poured milk into the bowl. I remembered that. Going back to high school after my parents had been killed had been stressful to say the least. People walked around me on eggshells with pity in their eyes. I remembered being afraid of the ones that wanted to talk about it or even just offer condolences. I just wanted to go to school, be left alone, and try to pretend nothing had happened so I could make it through the day without having a complete breakdown. It had been even worse after I tried to kill myself when I was nineteen and went back to work afterwords. Most people don't know how to deal with death, let alone suicide.
"The guys had pretty much been treating me like they had before," he said with annoyance. "Now it's going to fucking start all over again."
"I know." I didn't have the heart to tell him it would probably be even worst this time. Our eyes locked in understanding, and I reached over and took his hand in mine. He lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it softly.
"I'm so glad you're here," he said with a weary smile.
"Me too," I answered with sincerity. I knew he had to be tired. Yesterday with David had worn him out so much emotionally that he had slept for several hours afterword. He woke me up with several nightmares last night too. David had warned us that therapy would probably worsen Jensen's nightmares and other symptoms for a while. He had been right, and the second one had woken him screaming up out of the bed. It scared the shit out of him and me. It had taken a while to calm him down after that one, and now we were both running on very little sleep today.
"Fuck," he said as he looked down at his phone again. "I have to go or I'll really be late." He stood up from the table and leaned down to kiss me, his lips soft and warm.
"Dinner is at six," I told him after he pulled his lips away. "Don't be late."
"I'll be here, baby," he said with a warm smile as he nuzzled his nose against mine. He moved toward the stairs to leave. "I love you, Sydney," he said as he turned back to look at me from the doorway. "Did I tell you how happy I am that you're here?"
"Just a couple of hundred times," I answered him with affection. "I love you, too."
"Bye, baby," he said and I watched him disappear out the door with a sigh. I always felt bereft when we were apart. I hoped his day went well, or at the very least went quickly for him.
My coffee maker beeped as it finished brewing, and I got up to get my mug. As I sat back down, my phone chirped in my pocket. I pulled it out of my scrub top and saw that Lauren had texted me. She wanted to have lunch today. I guess today was as good a time as any to tell her I was moving in with Jensen. I doubt she was going to respond well to the news no matter when I told her. I might as well get it over with. I sent her back a quick reply, telling her she could pick the place if she picked me up. She replied that she was going to come get me at noon.
I put my phone back in my pocket with a sigh and a heavy heart. Lauren and I were fighting more and more lately. It was a good thing that she and I weren't going to be livin
g together anymore. I think our relationship was starting to suffer, and some much-needed distance between our personal lives was a good thing. It still didn't change the fact that everything between us was going to change, and I couldn't help mourning the fact that what we had was gone. I hoped the relationship we built living apart would be better for both of us.
I finished my breakfast quickly, downing the last of my coffee as I picked up my purse to leave. I put my dishes in the sink and headed out the door. I smiled as I locked the deadbolt with my key. My key, to my home; our home.
**********
"How's Jensen doing?" Lauren asked as she drove us to lunch in her white Toyota Camry. "He looked really happy Saturday night." Neither of us mentioned the parole hearing. I don't think either of us wanted to discuss that just yet. Putting it off for now was okay with me too.
"He's doing well," I answered my sister. "He's been talking to David quite a bit, so that's been stressful for him."
"I bet," she said with a nod. "I remember how tired you were after therapy."
"I'm just really happy that he's letting someone help him," I said with relief. I wondered if he would have gotten help if David wasn't here. I also wondered if he'd still be suffering alone if he hadn't tried to kill himself. That was a disturbing thought that I didn't need to dwell on.
Lauren pulled into the parking lot of the little cafe that she was taking me for lunch. We hopped out of the car, walked in, and snagged a table outside. We sat down and ordered within a few minutes of arriving.
"Adam is coming to the hearing with me," Lauren announced quietly, her demeanor subdued. So much for putting off talking about it.
"I asked Jensen to come with me," I said.
"Huh." She sounded surprised. "I thought you would ask David to go."
"Why do you say that?" I asked as I immediately felt defensive.
"David just seems like a better choice," Lauren replied. I tried not to feel offended by her words, but I couldn't do it. I was so tired of her judging Jensen all the time.
"What's wrong with bringing Jensen?" I asked, my eyes turning hard.
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 8