"I'm just saying that David is very cool under pressure and has a knack for calming people down," Lauren clarified. "Jensen doesn't strike me as a patient or calm man, and the hearing is going to put a lot of stress on him too."
I had to concede that she had a point, but she didn't know Jensen like I did. She didn't see the devoted, caring man who would do anything for me. He made me feel safe and loved, and I didn't want anyone else at that hearing with me but him.
"He's stronger than you think, Lauren," I defended him. "He makes me feel safe in a way David never could. For God's sake, what do you think he's going to do? Freak out in the middle of the hearing?" The guilty look on her face told me that was exactly what she thought. I had to fight the urge to get up and leave.
"I don't want to fight with you, Sydney," she said with a sad expression. Like that was what I wanted? I really needed to calm down, but her attitude toward Jensen was really getting old.
"You don't know him like I do," I said quietly as I stared at my hands and fought the tears of frustration that threatened to fall. Lauren sighed, and I looked up at her.
"I'm sorry, Syd," she said sincerely. "I just want you to get through this intact. I want you to be okay after this."
"Then stop being my mother and be my sister," I told her. "I don't need you to take care of me like that anymore. I just want us to be sisters and friends."
"I've been taking care of you for so long that I'm having a hard time turning it off."
"I know, Lauren," I agreed. "I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I don't think I would be here right now if wasn't for you, but I need to live my own life now. I can make my own decisions, and if I make a bad one, I'm a big girl, and I can handle it."
"I'll try to let go. I promise," she said as she reached across the table. I met her halfway, and we clasped our fingers together for a moment.
Our food arrived then and with an unspoken agreement, we changed the subject. The rest of our lunch was filled with easy conversation, and it felt good, like it used to be between us. By the time we left the restaurant, I was feeling much better about the future of my relationship with my sister. That feeling only lasted until we got back in the car.
"Have you decided what you're going to do after I move out?" Lauren asked as she pulled her car out of the lot and into the street.
"I have," I admitted reluctantly. My heart sank as I stared out the windshield and braced for her reaction to my next sentence. "I'm moving in with Jensen," I said evenly. Her silence spoke volumes and went on entirely too long. I finally glanced over at her. She was staring straight ahead; her lips pursed and her eyes glittering with anger.
"How long have you been seeing each other?" she asked with clipped words, her tone stern.
"About a month now," I answered calmly.
"And you're moving in with someone you've only known for a month." Her voice was laced with condescension and judgment.
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing," I answered firmly. Lauren let out a deep breath through her nose.
"How am I supposed to let you live your own life when you make juvenile decisions like this?" she finally asked me angrily. "Where are you going to go when he fucks things up again? Huh? Have you even thought that far ahead?"
"What is your problem with him?" I asked in exasperation. "What has he ever done to you to make you think so little of him?"
"What has he done? Are you kidding me?" she asked incredulously. "I watched you suffer for a week after he broke your heart, then I watched you suffer again after he tried to kill himself, and you want to know what my problem with him is? I don't trust him to take care of you, not like I would."
"I don't need anyone to take care of me, Lauren," I retorted. "Not you or Jensen. I can take care of myself, and I can make my own decisions, goddamn it."
"Well, don't come crying to me when it blows up in your face, and you have no where to live."
"Don't worry, that won't happen," I assured her. "And even if it did I wouldn't come to you. I have friends for that." I looked up in relief as she pulled into the drive of the orthopedic office. She pulled to a stop in front of the entrance, and I wrenched the car door open to get out.
"Sydney," Lauren pleaded, the anger gone from her voice.
"What?" I barked out as I turned back to face her. Her face was filled with pain, but I was still too angry for it to affect me much.
"I...I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice fragile.
"You keep saying that, but nothing ever changes," I said as I shook my head. "I'm starting to believe that you think as little of me as you do Jensen. If that's true, then thank God, we won't be living together anymore." I climbed out of the car.
"Sydney, wait," Lauren blurted out in desperation. I turned back to face her once more.
"I'll call you in a few days," I told her flatly. "I need time to calm down." I shut the car door and walked into work without looking back. I managed to hold it together long enough to hide in the employee bathroom before the tears finally started to fall.
**********
I beat Jensen home, and was already cooking dinner when he walked in the door. I could instantly tell by the look on his face that his day hadn't gone well at all. His lips were pressed together into a flat line, and there was tension around his eyes. It looked like both of us had shitty days. His eyes softened a little when he looked at me. He walked over to peer over my shoulder at the stove.
"Hey, baby," he said as he pressed a kiss to my cheek. "What are you making?"
"Grilled cheese and tomato soup," I answered him as I placed the sandwiches in the pan. I had decided on something simple and comforting. I wasn't in the mood for anything complicated or time consuming.
"It smells really good," he said. "It's nice coming home to you cooking for me." He was smiling when I looked up at his face. He cupped my cheek in his right hand, and leaned down to kiss me. A rush of pleasure and relief washed over me as his soft lips pressed against mine.
"I missed you," I breathed out after we broke our kiss.
"Me too, baby," he said softly as he caressed his thumb across my lower lip. "Today sucked ass." The smile fell away from his face.
"My day sucked too," I told him with a sigh. He pulled me into his arms and hugged me.
"At least we get to come home to each other," he whispered. "We can cheer each other up later." He brushed his lips across my ear.
"I'd like that."
"Do I have time for a quick shower?" he asked. "I'd like to wash the stink of this fucked-up day off of me."
"Make it quick." I nodded, then stared at his backside as he disappeared down the hallway. It was almost criminal how good his ass looked in jeans.
By the time I had set our sandwiches on the table, Jensen was walking back into the kitchen with his hair still wet from his shower. He was wearing a green tank top and black lounge pants. I felt an urge to go over and run my hands up his arms, so I could feel the toned muscles under my palms. I watched him distractedly as he sat down at the table. He looked up and smiled broadly at me.
"Are you checking me out again?" he asked with a gleam in his eyes.
"Yes," I confessed immediately with a grin as I placed his bowl of tomato soup next to his plate.
"Do you want me to take my clothes off for a better view?" he asked. "Or would that be too distracting for you?"
"Eat your damn sandwich," I told him in mock annoyance as I pointed at his plate. He smirked then picked up the grilled cheese, taking a huge bite out of it.
"This is really good, baby," he said through a mouth full of food, as I sat across from him and picked up my sandwich. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." I nodded. "Now quit talking with your mouth full."
"Yes, mother," he said with a wink.
"I am not your mother." I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Believe me, I know," he said with a salacious smile. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, deciding that saying anything else would just encourage him. He sat
there smirking at me while he continued eating.
"Why did your day suck, baby?" he asked after a few minutes.
"I told Lauren that I was moving in with you at lunch today," I said with irritation as the anger from earlier today surged up inside me.
"I'm guessing that conversation didn't go well," he said with a furrowed brow.
"She keeps saying that she's going to let me live my own life, but every time she doesn't approve of something I do; she treats me like a child," I fumed.
"I'm sorry, baby," he said with a guilty look on his face.
"Why are you sorry?" I asked in confusion.
"It just seems like every time you fight with your sister; it's because of me," he answered sheepishly.
"Well, she can just fucking get over it," I said vehemently. "If she has a problem with you, then she has a problem with me. If she keeps this bullshit up, I'll just stop talking to her at all."
"Baby, don't say that," he said as his eyes filled with concern. "She's your family and she loves you. I couldn't handle it if you cut off your only sister because of me. Be thankful you have her."
"I know." I looked down at my plate, feeling sudden shame. I heard the unspoken message in his words. He lost his brother, and I should be thankful that I still had mine. "I just want her to see you like I do."
"How do you see me?" he asked quietly. I glanced up to meet his eyes and saw uncertainty in them.
"You're funny and caring and sweet. I know you'd do anything for me," I told him sincerely. "You're devoted and strong and beautiful, inside and out. You're everything I always wanted. Why can't she see that?" Tears welled up in my eyes, and I rubbed at them furiously.
"Come here," he whispered as his eyes softened. I rose as he pushed his chair back from the table. I rushed to him and climbed onto his lap, letting him enfold me in his arms. "No one has ever talked about me like that before," he said as he held me tight.
"No one has ever loved you like I do," I told him. He kissed my forehead, and I snuggled in closer. His arms felt so right wrapped around me.
"I love you so much. What the fuck did I do before you came along?" he asked me with a smile. He turned my face toward him and kissed my lips slowly and sweetly, pulling a moan out of me. He pulled his head back and looked at me with affection. "Now, let's finish dinner and then I'll do the dishes." He lifted me off of his lap onto my feet and swatted my ass as I walked back to my chair.
I sat and spooned more soup into my mouth while I stared at him across the table. I think this was the first time I told him how I much I loved him, and he didn't get weird or uncomfortable about it. He had finally let me love him, accepted it and believed it. He looked up and smiled back at me while he ate.
"My offer still stands," he said with a wry twist of his mouth.
"What offer?" I asked, perplexed.
"I can take my clothes off anytime you want," he answered. "All you have to do is ask."
"You're just bound and determined to eat dinner naked, aren't you?"
"It's not dinner I'd be eating if I was naked right now," he answered in a low sensual voice and a gleam in his eyes. I pursed my lips at him as I felt a blush creep across my face. His smile turned smug at my reaction.
"Just eat," I told him with a glare. He started eating again, but that smug smile was still on his damn face. "God, you're annoying," I grumbled under my breath.
"I'm sweet, not annoying. Remember?"
"Remind me not to compliment you again," I said with a smirk. "It makes you cocky." His eyes shone with amusement, and he opened his mouth to speak. "Zip it," I interrupted him. "I don't want to hear anything about your cock."
"I thought you loved my cock," he said in mock offense.
"I'm going to go read in the living room," I told him as I dropped my spoon in my empty soup bowl. "You and your cock can enjoy doing the dishes together." I got up from my chair with a smile and kissed his cheek. I walked out of the kitchen, his laughter following me out of the room.
A little while later, Jensen walked into the living room to join me. I was curled up on one end of the couch with my tablet as I looked up and returned his smile. He grabbed the remote off the coffee table and laid down on the couch with his head on my thigh. He turned on the television and started flipping through channels, looking for something to watch.
"Do you want to tell me about your shitty day?" I asked as I began running my fingers through his dark hair.
"Fuck, Sydney." He sighed. "I was a real asshole today. Everyone kept tiptoeing around me, looking at me like I might go psycho at any moment. It made me so fucking angry that I ended up going off on some of the guys a few of times. I acted like a complete dick. They didn't deserve that. Now they really think I'm crazy."
"The whole idea of suicide makes people really uncomfortable, Jensen," I told him as he looked up at me. "They don't know how to deal with it."
"I don't know how fucking deal with it," he confessed as he abruptly sat up. Anger flashed across his face as his breathing sped up and his nostrils flared. "It makes me so fucking angry."
I reached up to touch his face, and he jerked away from me. I pulled my hand away at his rebuff, the rejection hurting my feelings. He stood and started pacing as I watched helplessly. He paused, and his fists rose in the air as he clamped his eyes closed, his breath coming out of him in a rush.
"Jensen," I spoke his name softly.
"Not now," he growled at me. "Just...not fucking now." He started pacing again, looking around the room like he was looking for something. Finally, his eyes focused on his athletic shoes on the floor near the couch. He stalked over and snatched them up. "I'm going to go work on the Camaro," he mumbled then left the room without even looking in my direction.
I let out the breath I was holding and took stock of the situation. Objectively, I knew he wasn't angry at me, but it still stung. My first instinct was to follow him downstairs, but that was just a selfish need to salve my hurt feelings. He needed some space to work through his anger, and I needed to give that to him. I reluctantly started reading on my tablet again. If we were going to live together, I'd have to learn to give him space when he needed it, whether I liked it or not. I hoped he'd do the same for me.
Several hours later, I was watching a movie when I glanced at the clock. I was starting to worry. He'd been in the garage for so long now. I paused the movie, slipped my shoes back on, and headed down to the garage to check on him. When I walked in I could see that the hood of the car was raised, but I couldn't see Jensen. I walked along the passenger side and saw him sitting in the driver's seat. His hands were clenched around the steering wheel, and he was staring straight ahead. I could see his lips moving, but I didn't hear anything.
"Baby?" I said, but he didn't respond. I hurried around to the open driver's door and knelt down next to him. He was whispering his brother's name over and over again. I tentatively touched his leg. "Jensen?"
"He's dead, he' dead," he started mumbling, still staring straight ahead. Shit, he was having a flashback.
"Jensen!" I spoke loudly and grabbed his arm, shaking it roughly. He tried to pull away from me, his eyes still not seeing me. I let out a frustrated growl then crawled into his lap, straddling his hips. I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him in desperation. His body stiffened as I kissed him. At first, he didn't respond at all, then suddenly he seemed to come back to himself. He started kissing me back and a low moan spilled out of his mouth into mine. His arms rose and wrapped around me, pulling me closer to him.
"Sydney," he breathed out with a sigh between kisses, then devoured my mouth again. After several minutes, he pulled his head back to look at me. "I was there, like it was happening all over again." His body hitched against mine, a sob tearing up out of him.
"Shh." I caressed his face. "I brought you back. You're okay now." I hugged him harder against me with his head cradled on my chest. His sobs started to become erratic, his breathing harder. I could feel the tension in his body. He was
starting to hyperventilate, and I leaned back to look at his face.
"Fuck," he panted out with wild panic in his eyes. I grabbed the sides of his face and turned his head up toward me.
"Jensen, look at me," I told him sternly. His eyes tried to focus on me. "What did David tell you to do when this happens?"
D...don't fight it," he forced out. "Relax into...into it."
"Good. Now what else did he say?"
"Focus on my breathing," he said, his voice getting surer. His eyes stopped moving around and finally focused on mine. "I'm safe...and nothing bad is...is going to happen to me."
"Did David tell you to say that?" I asked. He nodded. "Okay, let's say it again." I started repeating it with him, his voice getting calmer each time. I caressed his cheeks with my fingertips to soothe him, and the wildness in his eyes started to fade.
"Sydney," he whispered as more tears filled his eyes, his grip around me tightening.
"Shh." I wiped the tears away with my thumbs. "You're okay now. I'm here, and I've got you." I leaned forward and kissed him again. It started out soft and sweet, but it quickly became something else entirely as he started clutching at me desperately. His mouth turned greedy on mine, and I moaned in reaction, causing him to grind his hips up into me.
"I want to fuck you in my car," he growled then nipped my lower lip and sucked it into his mouth.
"Yes," I whimpered as raw need ignited inside me.
"Take off your clothes," he commanded, his eyes sure and filled with lust. I crawled off his lap long enough to leave my clothes in a pile on the garage floor. He pushed his pants down his legs while he watched me undress. I hastily climbed back onto his lap, and he gripped the back of my neck in his hand, pulling my lips to his again. His kiss was savage and possessive, making warm desire pool low in my pelvis. I grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it frantically up his torso. He broke the kiss long enough to let me pull it over his head.
"Please," I begged as I ground my bare sex against the underside of his steely erection. He let out a deep groan as his hands flashed down to my hips and lifted me up. I wrapped my hand around his cock, the skin scorching hot, and rubbed the head through my wet folds. I lined him up to my throbbing core, and he pulled me down onto him, moaning with pleasure as he filled me up.
Let Me Heal You: Beautifully Broken Book 3 Page 9