Love Rehab

by Louise Bay

  We rocked back and forth, stealing kisses between stuttered breaths. Our pleasure synchronized and every increase in her heart rate brought mine along. Every wave of ecstasy crashed over me at the same time. It was like together we were a coil that was twisting tighter and tighter, pulling us closer and closer. Our movements got faster and I wanted to scream out loud at the perfection of her face and her body, the glorious feel of her fingers wrapped around my cock.

  The coil snapped—I saw it in her eyes at the same time as I felt it in my body—we both came gripping each other, kissing each other, clinging to each other.

  It was honest and raw and fucking beautiful.

  Mackenzie

  “I dreamed about dick. Is that normal?” Kennedy asked as we sat on the edge of our beds, trying to adjust to being awake so early. Brianna was banging together what sounded like cymbals, but I was pretty sure they weren’t unless music therapy was on the menu today.

  I hadn’t needed to dream about dick. I’d spent another night with Blake.

  “You have to be a little more specific before I can certify a dream as normal,” Rose responded.

  I grinned as I stretched my neck from side to side. Every part of me hurt. My back was grazed from being pounded against the cabin door, my legs ached as if they’d been pulled from one end of the state to the other. My boobs still bore the shadows of Blake’s greedy fingers and my skin tingled with the drag of his body.

  “What are you smiling about? The thought of a cold shower or another silent hike?” Kennedy stood facing me, her hands on her hips. Maybe she hadn’t changed her mind about being in Oklahoma after all. Her tone suggested I was hyena chum in waiting.

  I shrugged. “I think I like the wild.” Last night I’d been ready to run back to Boston. To give Love Rehab up as a massive mistake. But being with Blake had made me see things differently. I’d never experienced anything like what I’d had with him. It was physical, but seemed so intimate. I’d never realized it was possible to separate sex and emotion. And to actually climax with a man I didn’t know? Well that was new, too. And it wasn’t like it was a one-off. It had happened two nights in a row.

  It wasn’t just the sex with Blake that made me want to stay in Christie, though that might have been enough. I liked being with him. By the fire he’d talked about learning lessons from our mistakes. Things had gone wrong in my life, off plan, but I’d never seen them as inevitable experiences I should just learn from. I’d seen things that went wrong as deviations from my route, then sought to put myself back on track. Blake also suggested I should enjoy the journey, which I understood in the abstract but I wasn’t sure I bought entirely. No one books a vacation to Greece for the flight. But I guess, if the plane diverts to Munich, that could be an interesting place to visit. I’d always rolled my eyes when people talked about living in the moment. If everyone did that, no one would pass an exam, no one would save for their retirement—we’d end up a planet full of selfish junkies. But speaking to Blake last night made me think that maybe there was a balance. And perhaps I was here to learn what that balance was.

  Love Rehab might not have provided any answers so far, but it hinted that Christie was the place to find them.

  Normally I would have told Rose and Kennedy about Blake by now, but last night they’d still been asleep when I returned to our cabin. We always gave each other detailed rundowns in the early stages of dating someone new. Getting ready for our day was a perfect opportunity to confess, but Blake and I weren’t dating. I wasn’t sure what we were doing. Last night things had shifted from a simple one-night stand, but not so much that I could label it in any other way—it was casual with a guarantee of no future. Maybe Blake was my Munich—the journey to enjoy before my destination?

  “Given the look on her face, I think Mackenzie dreamed about cock, too,” Kennedy said.

  I scrubbed my hands over my face, avoiding the question. At least I wouldn’t have to lie about how good the sex was if I told them about Blake. That would be a first. But I wasn’t going to say anything. I didn’t want to share him, risk diluting how Blake made me feel by bringing it out in the open, giving it oxygen—have other people’s opinions and judgements alter my experience. I wanted him to myself.

  In my relationships, I took pleasure from making someone else feel good, but in the few hours I was with Blake, I’d been happy not because of the way I made him feel but the way he made me feel. It was new.

  I liked the difference.

  And not saying anything to Rose and Kennedy—that was different too. I was breaking the pattern of my previous relationships with men somehow—by doing everything differently even if it were for a few days while we were here in Christie.

  Sitting next to Blake by the fire last night, I’d not been careful in what I’d said to him. I’d been unfiltered in my questions, and he’d still wanted me, physically at least. I felt as if I was dipping my toe into fresh waters and at the moment the temperature was perfect. I didn’t want to give it up. I wanted to sink in deeper, right up to my neck.

  “I call first bathroom visit.” I headed to the other room in the cabin, which could only loosely be described as a bathroom—it had water and that’s as far as it went. I wanted to get ready for the day, see Blake, make sure his face hadn’t changed in the few hours since I’d last seen him.

  I got showered and changed quickly and urged the girls to do the same. Rose sat on the edge of the bed, waving a contraband hand mirror and mascara wand around. “Do you want some?” she asked as she snapped the mirror shut.

  You look good in the wild.

  “No, I’m good.”

  Kennedy raised her eyebrows at me as she came out of the bathroom. “You’re turning down makeup?” I was always the first to try out a new skin product or have the latest mascara that promised longer, fuller, younger lashes (now even lashes had to be younger). I used to set my alarm forty minutes before my boyfriend’s just so I could shower and apply my makeup before he woke. Jesus. It sounded ridiculous when I thought about it.

  I shrugged. “I’m not trying to impress anyone.”

  Blake liked me in the wild.

  ––––––––––

  Natasha and Ann, the other two girls on our trip, were already gathered by the fire as we stepped out of our cabin, ready for the day. The sun wasn’t fully risen and the landscape was coated in a soft yellow light. My eyes swept over the social area but I didn’t find Blake. Trying to be subtle, I glanced over at his cabin. There was no sign of him.

  “We have oatmeal for breakfast,” Brianna said, stirring a pot over the fire.

  I took a seat beside Rose and thanked Brianna as she passed me a rectangular tin and a spoon.

  Kennedy coughed. “Jesus H. Christ. What the hell?” Rose patted her on the back and we followed her line of vision toward the lake. It was a sight that would make a blind woman choke.

  Blake.

  Wet Blake.

  Wet and bare-chested Blake.

  Droplets of water were scattered over his torso, reflecting the light and making the bronzed skin of his chest glow. I couldn’t tear my eyes away as he walked closer, dragging his hand through his wet hair, his muscles rippling at the movement. It was like a scene from a movie. A movie I’d like to watch privately with only my vibrator for company.

  “Jesus, was he this hot yesterday?” Kennedy asked.

  The girls next to us tittered.

  Yes, I almost said. And the day before that.

  I glanced at Brianna and caught her rolling her eyes at us.

  Normal behavior resumed and spoons scraped against tins, but I couldn’t tear my gaze away from him. As he got closer, our eyes locked. He didn’t smile or nod, just stared at me like he saw into my soul. A shiver passed through my entire body.

  Reluctantly I turned back to face the fire as Brianna started talking.

  “This morning we’re staying in camp. We’re going to think about what we bring to a relationship and what we want our future
partners to bring to a relationship. I want you to think about what we give and what we get.”

  Kennedy groaned, but I knew her well enough to know it was halfhearted, almost as if she felt she had to complain.

  “Okay, so when you’re ready, follow me over to the edge of the trees.” Brianna pointed behind our cabins and we all stood and wandered behind her, me at the back of the group. Blake emerged from his cabin and as I passed him, he smiled and grabbed my hand, entwining our fingers for a second before we separated. Heat spread through my body from where he’d touched me. I’d never had such a physical reaction to a man. I wanted to turn and run to him, push my hands through his hair, feel his lips on mine, his fingers pressing into my skin.

  But I didn’t. Diligently, I followed the group.

  I glanced over my shoulder and caught him watching me. I grinned and headed forward toward the trees.

  Just past the tree line there was a small clearing and Brianna stood in front of us. This part of Christie was beautiful, lush and green and such a contrast to the arid, lunar landscape we’d experienced when we’d landed. The light streamed through the woods, which provided great shade from what was bound to be another hot day.

  Brianna smiled, ensuring she looked at each one of us. “This morning we’re rock collecting.” Rose scrunched her face as if she’d just been told she had to gut a camel. “I want you to create an area for yourself. Mark it with a stick, then collect a stone or a rock from the forest floor for each quality you look for in a man, and one for each attribute you contribute to a relationship. Try not to focus just on the physical.” She placed a tin of chalk on the ground. “Write each attribute on the stone. By the end of this session, you should have two distinct piles. There’s no limit on how many stones you have, and this isn’t a race. We have plenty of time before lunch.”

  This was the journey, right? I still wasn’t convinced.

  “We’re collecting rocks,” Kennedy said pointedly.

  “Just go with it.” I grabbed a stick and pushed it into the moss-covered ground.

  Ann stepped toward us and said, “Seriously, it sounds a bit kooky, but it will be worth it. We had two friends who came here six months ago. One’s married and the other one is engaged. They’re both so happy it makes me want to vomit.”

  “So you think it worked for them?” I asked.

  “It totally worked. Apparently, tonight is the shaman.” Her eyes grew larger as she passed a stone from one hand to the other.

  “The what man?” Kennedy asked.

  “The shaman,” she whispered.

  “Are you talking about tonight?” Natasha asked, joining our conversation.

  Ann nodded. “I can’t wait. Our friend swears that the shaman is the reason she found her husband. That, and her dead aunt. It’s going to be ah-ma-zing.”

  I couldn’t follow what she was saying. I wasn’t even quite sure what a shaman was. Brianna reappeared and, like children caught talking when we shouldn’t be, we disbersed and went back to our rock-collecting task.

  I spotted a smooth pebble behind a tree stump that would be easy to write on and went to collect it. I picked up some chalk out of the can and wrote Kitchen, then placed it to the right of my stick. I enjoyed cooking and men were into women like that, right? Phil had always appreciated it when I made him dinner, I think. He wasn’t very domestic, but I hadn’t expected him to be. Most men weren’t. He’d be at work now, no doubt a hundred girls fawning after him. He was handsome and ambitious—great marriage material.

  I added two more stones to my pile. Thoughtful—I always tried to remember things that were important to Phil, like making sure I had his favorite beer in the fridge, or picking up his dry cleaning for him. Family oriented—I wanted children but I also made sure that I gave Phil’s family attention. I had his parents over to my place for dinner regularly and I’d babysat a couple of times for his sister. My confidence lifted as I remembered the things I did for Phil. I was a catch. There were plenty of women out there who wouldn’t do half the things I did for him.

  We looked like oversized ants scurrying around, finding our stones and bringing them back to our marked spot. I scanned other people’s piles, wondering what we were supposed to be uncovering about ourselves or our past mistakes. Kennedy wouldn’t be able to put anything down about cooking. She was less domestic than Phil and she wasn’t family oriented at all, but she was really funny and hot as sin. Rose was clever and family oriented. We all had a lot to offer.

  As I stood staring at my three rocks, Blake arrived carrying a stack of water bottles. What would he make of my stones? Did I care what he thought?

  I did, but not in a way that I normally would. I was ordinarily eager to make sure the men in my life were cared for, looked after, loved. There was nothing wrong with that, was there? But with Blake, we weren’t on our way to something, we weren’t at the start of a relationship, so I’d been forced to approach it differently. I had no particular desire to prove I was right for him. We’d talked but I’d not been careful in what I said—I just said what was in my head, in my heart. It didn’t matter to me what he did, what his future looked like, whether or not I thought he’d be a good father. I just knew that he made my body react in a way I didn’t realize it could. He made me feel good, safe and sexy.

  If I looked at my stones, then I should be married by now. My pile of rocks told me I had a lot to offer. So what was missing? My heart sank a little. I’d always imagined I’d marry early, but maybe that wasn’t my path in life. Maybe I should stop searching, just give up.

  I glanced up and saw Blake looking at me, his brow furrowed. I gave him a small smile but he looked worried.

  “Shall we take a break?” Brianna asked smiling. “Have some water and feel free to look at each other’s stones. How are they different from yours? How are they similar? Does seeing them tell you anything?”

  Kennedy bent over my area and read through my stones. No doubt she was looking for ammunition to tease me with later. I wandered over to Rose’s pile. I was struck at how few stones there were in her pile about the things she brought to a relationship. I picked up one—clever—but underneath she’d scrawled, bad thing. My heart ached a little at the thought that she saw her brilliant brain as a disability. It was never something I’d heard her say. Hopefully she’d look at my stones and realize she needed to cut herself some slack.

  In her other collection of stones, the ones that represented the things a man could bring to a relationship, the words love, fidelity, acceptance and kindness were all collected together. She didn’t realize she had to offer everything she wanted in someone else. Would she see the difference when she looked at my pile of stones or would she see something I didn’t? The reason I was off plan?

  “I’m glad we came,” Kennedy whispered, pulling me into a hug. “You’re spared the hyenas, for tonight anyway.”

  Before I could ask her why, Brianna interrupted us. “We have lunch ready, if you want to join us.” Brianna and Blake sat on a blanket that looked remarkably similar to the one I’d slept on the night before last. Jesus, I hoped it wasn’t the same one.

  We all sat down in a semicircle opposite Blake and Brianna on the edges of the blanket where lunch had been arranged.

  Blake opened plastic containers of food while Brianna set out plates. It looked good and my stomach growled as if it had just been prodded awake. If it was a choice between getting naked with Blake and lunch, I’d still have chosen Blake, but given that didn’t feel like it was an option just now, food was a good second place.

  “Would you like some chicken?” Blake asked, interrupting my thoughts.

  He’d clearly caught me staring at his crotch. I glanced around to see if anyone else had, too, but they seemed focused on their plates. My cheeks burned, but when I turned back to Blake, he just raised his eyebrows and grinned.

  “Thanks.” I reached for the container of chicken he offered and our fingers brushed as he passed it to me. Goosebumps instantly blan
keted my body.

  “Anytime.” He cocked his head and held my gaze.

  I tried to suppress a smile and glanced away, convinced we looked like we were about to start dry-humping any second.

  “This is good. Thanks, Brianna,” I said.

  I’d enjoyed this morning and felt pretty good about my stones and what I’d written on them. I had a lot to offer a man and I wasn’t afraid to say it. But a far-off rumble of three broken engagements warned me that it wasn’t enough.

  “Did anyone learn anything about their approach to relationships from the stones?” Brianna asked.

  To my utter disbelief, Kennedy was the first to speak. “I did.”

  Brianna smiled, urging her to go on.

  “I think I’ve made assumptions about men and how they impact my life. I’ve always been worried about ending up with an unfulfilling future because I wanted to keep the guy I was with.” Kennedy scrubbed her face with her hands, almost as if she were trying to erase an old way of thinking. “I’ve been so concerned that I’d let someone mold me into a woman I didn’t want to be.” She paused and I could almost see a million thoughts clatter through her head. “Now I realize that maybe, just maybe, instead of using men for sex, there might be a man out there who wants to be my champion, who wants me just to be me. I’d never let myself think that was a possibility before now. Maybe that sounds weird—”

  “It doesn’t sound weird,” Brianna said. “It sounds like you’ve looked at your expectations and seen they can change. That you can be open to something different.”

  “Maybe,” Kennedy replied.

  I patted Kennedy’s shoulder. “You’re awesome.”

  “Anyone else want to share?” Brianna asked.

  “I will.” I wanted the group to tell me I’d done everything I could. That Phil breaking things off wasn’t because I wasn’t marriage material. “I learned I have a lot to offer in a relationship. I’ve always worked hard to be someone that someone would want, but seeing the stones in the pile, I thought a guy would be lucky to have me.” I smiled, pleased that I’d been able to say something so positive.