by Louise Bay
The silence that met my question expanded my disappointment. I sighed. Kennedy patted me on the leg, trying to offer me a little comfort.
“Maybe it’s not an ex.” Rose smiled at me, ever hopeful.
“The shaman said it was,” Kennedy said. Three days ago she wouldn’t have even been able to say the word “shaman” without collapsing into hysterical giggles. Now, Kennedy was ready to accept Big John’s predictions.
“He said it was someone you already knew. What if it isn’t an ex?” Rose suggested.
Would it be possible to have any man in real life love me if I was just myself, rather than a carefully honed version of who they might like? I glanced over my shoulder at Blake. I needed someone like Blake. In Boston. “What do you mean?”
“Maybe it’s someone you know but haven’t dated,” Rose said.
“Like a colleague or someone?” I asked.
“Or someone you sit next to on the subway regularly. Or a guy who works in the same building. The shaman wasn’t specific. He didn’t say you’d dated him, or even spoken to him.”
Rose often didn’t make sense, but her words gave me hope. Maybe I wasn’t destined to go backward. I wanted someone to see the whole me, and to want me anyway—just like Blake had.
Even though Blake and I’d existed in suspended animation, it still felt weird discussing my next relationship. Blake was just a few feet away. He might even hear what we were saying. Would me talking about other guys bother him? Blake and I had established clear boundaries with each other, but for some reason thinking about my future and a different man, felt disloyal. Oklahoma Mackenzie belonged to Blake.
“Maybe I just need a time out.” My talk with Brianna had brought a lot of things into focus for me. I didn’t know how to interact with men if I wasn’t trying to make them happy. I didn’t want to fall into old patterns as soon as I got back to Boston. But I just didn’t know what new Mackenzie looked like outside of Blake. It wasn’t like I could just wave a magic wand and focus on who I was rather than who I should be. It couldn’t be that easy.
“I can’t believe we’ve been a few yards from the fucking ranch all this time. I thought we were out in the wilderness,” Kennedy said as she stretched out her legs and crossed her arms.
“You were out in the wilderness,” Brianna said as she came into the pen carrying a hay bale, which she dumped next to us. “Just goes to show that you can change your life in just a few steps.”
I expected a scowl from Kennedy, instead she beamed at Brianna.
Had we really all changed our lives, our reality? Was that possible? Or would we just sink back into old habits as soon as we stepped onto the plane?
My palms were slightly sweaty as I glanced to my right, looking for Lady Luck. Blake passed by, looking at me as he swept his hand over my shoulder in a silent You got this. I wanted to grab him, kiss him, feel his hands spread over my back in the way he did that made me feel so protected.
The metal gate of the paddock clanked, pulling me out of my fantasy. Lady looked huge. Like, much bigger than before. Was that possible?
“You’ll be fine,” Rose said quietly.
“How are you?” Robert asked, tipping his hat. “Had a good time?”
Kennedy let out a yeehaw and we all laughed.
“So today, you’re going to tell Lady Luck your truth again. Don’t be afraid if it’s changed. Lady understands that reality changes all the time. The important thing is to never stop learning about yourselves. Never believe you can’t turn your life around. The power is all in here.” Robert jabbed at his chest. “You have total authority over your own decisions. Use it wisely. So who’s up first?”
Part of me wanted to be the first to go–I was desperate for proof things had shifted—but the other part of me wanted to wait, let the others go first. What if I failed again? What would that mean? Before I could make up my mind, Kennedy bounced from her seat with a lot more enthusiasm than she had the first time we were all here.
“Good to see you, Lady Luck,” she said, patting the horse on her back.
I snuck a peek at Blake, who’d done for me just as much as any zip line, pile of stones or silent trek could. I wondered if he knew how much he’d helped me understand myself during this trip.
“So, Lady, what we talked about last time was all true—I still love sex—but I think maybe I’ve been quick to assume that anything more would hold me back. Now I’m open to the idea that it’s possible for me to let someone in without giving up my power, and that the right someone could actually help me become more. Which is kinda terrifying—that I’d have to rely on someone else, need another person. But maybe it’d be worth it. For the right guy.”
Kennedy had such a strong sense of who she was and where she wanted to go, so of course she wouldn’t want to be with someone who might dilute that. But that she understood now that not every man would do that made my heart swell. Kennedy had been open to what Love Rehab could teach her in a way I’d never expected, and Lady Luck apparently agreed, lifting her leg as if she and Kennedy were old friends.
Next up was Rose, and she explained how the piles of stones helped her understand that she didn’t feel she had enough to offer and that perhaps she chose men who reinforced that view of herself. Lady Luck agreed. Rose had done it. So far, Love Rehab was two for two.
I wiped my palms down my jeans as I stood for my turn and walked slowly across toward Robert. I patted Lady Luck, hoping that this time, she’d be lifting her leg like a ballerina.
“I’ve learned a lot these past few days,” I said, clasping my hands in front of me and staring at the ground. “I want to thank you for that.” I didn’t dare look at him, but I hoped Blake knew I was talking to him. “With your help, I’ve come to understand that I’m not addicted to love, I’m addicted to making men fall in love with me.”
Saying it out loud felt like dropping a glass, shattering something old I didn’t want anymore. Hopefully, I’d never be tempted to piece it back together again. Hopefully.
I continued, “My breakups have really only ever been a result of the realization that we were never in love in the first place.”
Phil had been right when he’d said that he didn’t really know me. I hadn’t ever given him the chance. I stroked Lady’s mane. “I need to learn that it’s okay to ask for what I want in a relationship.”
Asking Blake to kiss me, to taste me, had felt good, but I still couldn’t picture it happening with someone else. “If I can’t say ‘this is what I want, this is what’s important to me’, how will I know if a guy can make me happy? How can anyone fall in love with me if I’m not honest, if I don’t show them the real Mackenzie?”
I glanced across at Blake, who shot me a grin, turbocharging my confidence. He was the only man who had ever seen the real Mackenzie.
I’d followed in my mother’s footsteps. She’d crafted herself into a woman my step-dad would fall in love with, done everything to please him. It had been a matter of survival for us. Without him, we’d have had no home, no security. My mother had done what she felt she needed to do. But I wasn’t my mother. I made my own money. We lived in different times. I wanted to relax, unburden myself and just be me.
“I’ve learned that it’s okay to be myself, and it’s okay if some men don’t like that. Because the man I’m meant to be with will.”
Blake nodded toward Lady Luck, and I took a deep breath and smoothed my hand down her leg. This was it, the moment of truth. The moment that Lady assessed my honesty. My heart was beating out of my chest.
I pulled very gently, waiting for Lady to move. When she didn’t, I tightened my grip and pulled harder. “Come on, Lady,” I whispered under my breath. I had been completely honest.
Nothing. She stood still, all four hooves planted squarely on the ground.
Fuck.
Tears of frustration and shame filled my eyes and spilled over as I let go of the horse’s leg. Why was I the one who failed at this? I covered my face with my ha
nds, turning away from everyone. I couldn’t bear it. I’d tried so hard on this trip and yet here I was, back at square one. No future, no answers. All that was clear to me was that I got everything wrong no matter how hard I tried. A sob gathered in my stomach and began to rise. It was so humiliating to be called out as such a failure in front of everyone, in front of Blake. What must he think? Probably that he’d been sleeping with some crazy, lying bitch all week.
But I hadn’t lied. And never to Blake. Not ever. I’d only been my complete self. What else could I give?
It was hopeless.
I should just go home, get back to my life, and pretend I’d never come here. Anything to push down this huge black feeling that I’d never be good enough no matter what I did.
I just needed some space.
To hide.
To be alone and wallow in my thoughts and desperation. My ass hit the ground, my hands still covering my face as I gave up and let myself sob. I cried for all the years I’d wasted trying to be something I could never be—perfect. I cried because I’d never had a father, because nothing I did escaped my mother’s criticism. I sobbed because the only man who’d ever really known me, ever thought to scratch below the surface, was a guy I’d only met five days ago and would never see again.
A warm hand smoothed across my back. I just wanted to be alone, to forget that I had an audience. I shook my head but couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell whoever it was to go away because the sobs were coming thick and fast.
“It’s okay to cry, Mackenzie,” Brianna said from beside me.
I couldn’t have stopped if I’d wanted to. A dam had burst within me.
“Why?” I managed to spit out. “I’ve done everything.” Why couldn’t that fucking horse have lifted her shitty leg?
“Don’t let this take away from all the amazing progress you’ve made.”
“Are you kidding me?” I yelled. My throat was tight with fury. “That horse told me I wasn’t any better than when I started here.”
“That’s not what happened,” Brianna said, her voice calm, but sure.
I pulled my hands from my face and narrowed my eyes, my tears halted for a moment. “Was I hallucinating when I didn’t raise her leg?” I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hands. “I’m exactly where I was when I started.”
“You know that’s not true, Mackenzie.”
“Then tell that to the horse,” I shouted, pointing over Brianna’s shoulder at an empty space. Where had everyone gone? Thank heavens for small mercies, we were the only two still outside. No doubt Blake had run as fast and as far away as possible.
“Lady wasn’t telling you that you hadn’t learned anything. Think about it—you’re good at being logical. You know you’ve uncovered all these behaviors that weren’t helping you be happy. When you arrived here, you had no clue why your life wasn’t working.”
“Well apparently I still don’t.” I folded my arms, my face sticky and hot.
Brianna scooted around until she sat in front of me. “Talk to me. What do you think you’ve learned here?”
I huffed out a breath. “That I’m a people pleaser. Especially with men. That I’m focused on getting married rather than finding the right guy. That my plan is more important than being happy.” I lifted my gaze to meet Brianna’s eye. “But so what?” I shrugged petulantly. “Now I know, but it doesn’t make me happier. It doesn’t mean I know how to be anything else. I can’t suddenly become a new person.”
“And is that what you were thinking about before you went over to Lady?”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Were you worried what it would be like to go home with all these revelations? Concerned how you would put them into practice?”
I thrust my fingers into my hair. “Of course. I don’t know how to be any other way.”
“Well that would explain things. Lady will have picked up on your nerves and your lack of confidence.”
Was it possible that the horse had felt my uncertainty? But that wasn’t the only problem. “The shaman told me I was going to go backward, that I’d marry a man I already know.” The tears started again. “But I don’t want to. I want to be happy. I want someone to love me for who I am, not a character I create.” I drew in a breath, closing my eyes, opening them again as I exhaled. “I don’t want Phil back.”
As I said it, the tears stopped. It was true. I didn’t love Phil. The desire I’d had to be his wife had evaporated. We should have never made it past the second date. I wanted to find a man who could love me, flaws and all. Someone new. “I don’t want to be Boston Mackenzie. I want to be Oklahoma Mackenzie. I don’t want to go backward.”
“The shaman didn’t say that you’d go back. You’re fixated on Phil because you want an answer, to put a name on the plan you’re already making to find the guy you’re going to spend the rest of your life with.” Brianna patted me on the knee. “But that’s not the way life works. You’ve got to relax and let it happen.”
I raised my eyebrows. Easy for her to say.
“I mean it, Mackenzie. You have to go back to Boston knowing that sometimes you’re going to get it wrong.”
“How is that helpful? Shouldn’t I be focused on getting it right?”
“You have to be focused on what’s in your heart, not what’s in your plan. Concentrate on your feelings, live in the moment. Let go a bit.”
Kennedy and Rose had said something similar our first night in Christie—and how Kennedy had convinced me to have my first one-night stand. Was that what my life would be about now? A series of meaningless sexcapades? I hadn’t even managed it very well with Blake. I had to constantly fight the meaning that crept up around the edges of my feelings toward him every time I was with him.
I poked the dirt with my finger, creating transient circles in front of me. “But the shaman said—”
“You’re interpreting it one way. You don’t know if you’re going to run into a childhood friend that you’ve not seen for two decades and fall madly in love. You can’t assume anything.” Brianna leaned back on her hands.
I took a deep breath. Maybe I’d been a bit rash, convincing myself that it was Phil that was the guy the shaman had meant.
“Okay,” I said.
“Perhaps, rather than look for Mr. Right, you can try to enjoy being single until he comes along?”
“Single?” I’d not been single for more than a few weeks since college.
“It would stop you falling back into old habits that may be hard to break if you date again too quickly.”
Her suggestion made the thought of going back to Boston a little less scary. I didn’t have to be good at being Oklahoma Mackenzie right away. I could do single, for a while at least, and being on my own was preferable to being in one of my previous relationships. “But how do I know when I’ve found the right one?”
Tilting her head, Brianna said, “There are no guarantees in life. You just gotta keep listening to your heart. You know deep down inside when something feels good, feels authentic—when you find a guy you can talk to and is really interested in what you have to say. A relationship should be an exchange between you, not one-way traffic. And the more you feel it, the easier it will be to spot it.”
“You see? That is why this is difficult. I need a list of things to look for so—”
“Honey, life isn’t a checklist,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re bound to make mistakes, and that’s okay.” Brianna grabbed my hands in hers and squeezed. “Mistakes mean you’re growing, experiencing new things. That’s how you grow, get strong. It’s in those moments you learn to trust yourself and your judgement.”
My plan hadn’t protected me from my failures. If anything it had created them, insulated me from my feelings that could have directed me toward happiness. Plan or not, there were no guarantees.
“I think you’ve been holding on to the idea of a plan for a long time,” Brianna said, brushing a piece of hay from her jeans. “You just trashed an ol
d one, then immediately looked around for a new one.”
She was right. That’s exactly what I’d done. My chest rose as I took a deep breath. My tears had gone and a calm—not optimism, but not despair either—descended in their place. Brianna had never made any promises. There were no happy endings here, at least not for me. But maybe there was the start of something, a possibility that I could be genuinely happy.
If I was brave enough to try.
Mackenzie
“You’re a beautiful crier,” Kennedy said as I came out of the bathroom. “Gorgeous.”
“Fuck off,” I replied.
“I mean it. I know it’s not appropriate for me to say it, but you looked like a fucking movie star. Especially the bit where you sank to your knees.”
I chuckled. “I imagine it looked a little dramatic.”
“And you’re sure you’re fine?” Rose asked. “Because we can just stay up here and play poker or something. We don’t have to go out.”
I sat on the stool in front of the dressing table. “No, I want to go. I’m good. Brianna and I talked.”
“You wanna talk with us?” Rose asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, but not now.” I’d been looking for a final resolution in that exercise with Lady, like a ribbon at a swim meet or something. Proof of a quick fix, a reminder of my accomplishments, because I knew life back in Boston would be a difficult adjustment. Now I was just resigned to the fact that things would be messy. “You girls are going to have to put up with crazy Mackenzie a little more.”
“You’re not crazy,” Kennedy said. “You’re beautiful and funny and clever—you just don’t think it’s enough.” She kissed me on the top of my head. “But we’ll keep reminding you.”