by Louise Bay
My eyes began to water. “Stop it. I can’t cry any more. I’m exhausted. Please, let’s change the subject.”
“Okay, what are you going to wear?” Rose asked, slumping onto the bed in only her towel.
“I think just my jeans and a tank top,” I replied. I’d let my hair air dry, and added only a little mascara and a hint of blush to my face. Anything more felt kinda artificial.
I was ready to be me, the new me.
“I feel lighter,” I said, pumping the mascara wand back into its container.
“That’s what no alcohol for four days does to you.” Kennedy sucked in her stomach as she stared into the mirror.
“No, I mean inside. My soul feels lighter.” The last few days had been intense, and though I hadn’t dared to imagine what would happen if I didn’t lift Lady’s leg, Brianna had shown me that it was just another bump in the road. Another lesson to be learned. And although it’d been a big one, it wouldn’t be the last one.
I let myself believe that a better life was possible. Somehow.
I glanced at Kennedy, preparing for a barrage of sarcasm. She smiled.
“I’m sorry about giving you such a hard time about bringing us here,” Kennedy said, sitting on the bed by Rose, slipping on her fuck-me boots. “I think this is the best vacation I’ve ever had. Not just because of all of the Love Rehab stuff, although that has been … good.” She pulled up the side zip on her shoe. “No, not just good. It’s been more than that.” She stretched back on the bed, her eyes flitting between my reflection in the mirror and Rose. “But I’ve really loved us here, away from all the stuff we normally do—all the glamour, the boys, the bars. It feels like we got back to who we really are and had fun together.” She grabbed the bottom of Rose’s towel and Rose laughed, tightening her grip and moving off the bed to get away from Kennedy. “And I’m glad we did this now, before, you know …”
Rose snapped her head round. “Before what?”
Kennedy shrugged. “You know, before we get older and it’s not the same anymore.”
“Why would getting older change things between us?” Rose looked at Kennedy as if she were an open box of snakes.
“I just mean that as we have families of our own, things will change.”
“I don’t see why that would change things,” Rose snapped. “We’ve been friends for almost thirty years. Are you saying that’s going to just stop?”
Kennedy stood up, a full six inches taller than Rose in her heels, and pulled Rose into a hug. “We’ll always be friends. Things will be different, but that doesn’t mean worse. I’m just saying that when we’ve got kick-ass careers and are married with babies, we’re not going to be able to drop everything to go camping in Oklahoma.”
“You girls will always come first for me,” Rose replied as Kennedy released her from her arms.
“I’m not sure that’s true, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing, either. We’ll always be friends—we might just have to share each other. I mean, come on, when I’m President and leader of the free-fucking-world my security detail are going to be the most important people in my life.”
Kennedy laughed, but Rose still looked glum.
“You’re crazy,” I told Kennedy before turning to Rose. “Come on. She’s not saying we’ll never see each other again, just that the next phase of our lives is going to be complicated.” That was the only thing that I was sure about, but I felt ready for whatever was going to happen. “But that’s exciting, right? You’re starting a new job. I’m going to—I have no idea.” For the first time in my life I didn’t have a plan and the thought didn’t completely freak me out. “Kennedy is going to run for office.” I laughed and patted Rose on the back.
Rose shrugged. “I guess it will be an exciting ride, whatever happens.”
“I’ll drink to an exciting ride. Hell, I’d like an exciting ride tonight. I wonder if those boys we met our first night will be at Jimmy’s again,” Kennedy said.
“I thought your approach to men was different now?” Rose poked Kennedy’s arm. “Fewer one-night stands.”
“I don’t ever remember committing to that. Love Rehab hasn’t cut out my vagina. It’s just that now I’m open to the possibility a guy might be more than his dick.”
Kennedy had an understanding of the world that made me jealous. She got that life was a mess and just relaxed and went with it. I’d constantly fought for order and control and it had almost broken me. It brought home the truth. When we left Love Rehab, nothing had really changed. Not yet.
But I was determined to try to get it right.
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The sun had set and, like every other night, we were gathered around the fire, but tonight felt different. There was less chatter between us and a layer of melancholy had descended with the light. We were in the backyard rather than the open field lakeside and we were all dressed for a night out with our good friend whiskey. I felt as if I were passing through a halfway house, transitioning back into real life. I would be sad to leave this place.
Sad to leave Blake.
I looked up to find him standing on the porch, watching us, me. Would he be sorry to see me go? I’d learned so much being with him. I’d managed a new Mackenzie, even if it was just for a few days, with Blake. I’d never tried to cling to him, make him into a boyfriend or a long-term thing, never pretended to be anyone other than myself. I’d asked for what I wanted. With no future to worry about, I’d lived in the moment.
“When you’ve finished eating, please take your plates inside, then come back and we’ll do our final exercise,” Brianna said as she stood and walked toward the ranch house with her dish. “Come join us, Blake.” She waved at her brother.
I stood. “Shall I take your dishes?” I asked the other girls, hoping to have just a few seconds with Blake. There was so little time left. I wanted to squeeze out every last drop.
“I’ll help you,” Ann said as she began gathering up plates. In the end, we all helped clear everything away and I had to make do with a couple of glances at Blake. He’d become such a special person to me in such a little time. He knew me far better than Phil had, better than all of my exes, really. Did he have any idea?
“I’ll miss the fire,” Kennedy said as we retook our seats.
“I was just thinking the same thing,” I replied. It was a comforting presence, offering warmth and light.
“We should have more fires in Boston,” Kennedy said.
“I’m not sure they allow fires on the Common,” Rose said, ever practical.
“Maybe we should camp. Even in state.”
“Maybe.” We were more used to planning spa days than camping trips, but I hoped we’d follow through on it. Kennedy was right; the three of us were great here. Happy, not bogged down in the pettiness of everyday life.
Brianna started handing out pens and paper. What now?
“We have two things left to do. First, I want you to write a letter to yourself about the life you want to be leading in six months. Feel free to include something other than your romantic relationship. You might put something about your career or friendships. Or your relationship with your parents. I’ve given you an envelope. When you’re finished, seal it and give it back to me.”
I took the paper and pen.
“Then, in six months I’m going to mail them to you as a reminder of what you wanted when you had some time and space to really consider it. So often, the noise of every day influences us so much that we forget what’s really important. We forget what our souls need. Use this opportunity to remind yourself. And don’t overthink it. Just take ten minutes.”
Rose put her hand up. She was so cute I wanted to eat her.
“So we’re writing, ‘Dear Rose, I’m pleased to see you’re shacked up with Liam Hemsworth and having his baby.’”
Brianna smiled. “Yes, that kind of thing. But be authentic. Speak from the heart.”
“I can be very authentic with any of the Hemsworths,
” she replied.
I watched as the others began writing. They made it look so easy, but after Dear Mackenzie, I wasn’t sure what to put down.
When I’d arrived, I’d been clear about what I wanted. For Phil to call and tell me he wanted me back. To get married. To get my plan back on track. But over the last few days all those thoughts disintegrated. It was no longer clear what I wanted, but I knew that whatever it was, I had to be me. I wanted the guy I was with to see the real Mackenzie—the woman who fell asleep straight after sex. The woman who got upset and frustrated. The girl who didn’t quite have it figured out yet. I needed someone who saw all those things and wanted me anyway, or even because of all that.
I just wasn’t sure men like that existed. Blake didn’t count—I’d never had to worry about pleasing him because I knew after a few days, I’d never see him again.
I glanced across at him to see him scribbling away. Was he writing to himself? Brianna sat down beside him.
“Will you mail it to me, too?” he asked. She patted him on the back, though I couldn’t hear her reply. I looked back at my own blank sheet of paper. What would his letter say? There was so much I didn’t know about him. So much I had to get to know before we parted.
“You good?” Rose asked. She was so good at picking up on what people were thinking and feeling, which was why it was hard to believe she could be so blind to her own love life. But then, it was easy to see the mistakes other people were making, but a lot harder to identify your own. Love Rehab had helped. Over the last few days I’d faced my reflection and now I needed to decide what I’d like to see in six months. I could do that. I could ask myself for what I wanted.
Blake had taught me how.
“Are you done?”
I signed and dated my letter, then turned to Kennedy and nodded.
“Yeah, I think I am. What about you?” I asked, folding up the paper and placing it into the envelope, my eyes catching Blake’s. God, I’d miss him.
Kennedy narrowed her eyes, following my line of sight, but didn’t ask. “Yeah, I’m done. And I’m ready for some tequila, or whiskey, or whatever it is we have to drink to get drunk around here.”
“Patience, Kennedy. We’re not finished yet,” Brianna said smiling as she collected our sealed envelopes. “The final thing we’re going to do before we go to Jimmy’s is think about the obstacles that could stop you from achieving the future you just described.” She gave each of us a small square of wood. “I want you to write down one or two things you think might lead you off course, or block you from getting the future you want. Don’t hold back, but be prepared to share your thoughts.”
I took a deep breath as I thought about the letter I’d just written. What would stop me from reaching the goal I’d just described? I needed to get out of my own damn way. I took the lid of the Sharpie and wrote two words.
“Is everyone ready?” Brianna asked.
I watched Blake nod. He was going to join in? Had he decided on a future? Had he chosen the easy route or was he going to be the guy who tried to make a difference?
“Okay, so who’s up first?”
I stood. I wanted to be first this time. I had this one, knew what my first step would have to be. For the first time all week, I was confident about the lesson to be learned.
“Go ahead, Mackenzie. Show us your block and explain why you think it might hold you back.”
I smiled at Kennedy and Rose. I held up my wooden plank and revealed what I needed to let go of. My Plan. Predictably my two best friends started to clap and whoop. They’d always teased me about the plan.
“Tell us a bit more about that,” Brianna said.
“Since I was super small, I’ve had a road map of how my life was going to be. I’ve known what college I was going to attend, what I would do for a living, when I’d get married, how many kids I’d have.” As I said it out loud it seemed ridiculous. I couldn’t bear to look at Blake. “Over the last few days I’ve come to realize I’ve been confusing my goals with my plan. Being set on doing things a certain way has actually become an obstacle to leading a good life, to being happy, to loving and being loved.” My throat tightened as I spoke. “I’ve got to let go and live my life.” My plan had been driven by guilt and fear. Guilt that my father had left, that if I’d been a different child, a better child, he would never have gone and fear that something terrible would happen if I didn’t plan.
Blake winked at me. I had so much to thank him for. Having a casual fling during a trip to Oklahoma had been completely unplanned. And it had led to meeting Blake, the best sex of my life, all the lessons he’d shared with me. He’d given me a glimpse of the girl I wanted to be. He had the ability to wipe the fog from the mirror to let me see myself more clearly. I’d be forever grateful.
“That sounds like an important lesson, Mackenzie. Now, say good-bye to your obstacles and go ahead and throw them into the fire.”
I stepped toward the flames. “You’ve served me well over the years, but I gave you too much power. I’m taking it back.” I reached out and dropped my wood onto the fire. The flames took it and in a second it was charred and burning. “I let you go,” I whispered.
“How do you feel?” Brianna asked.
“Scared.” My plan had organized so much of my life, my thoughts—I wasn’t sure where I was going anymore. It had been my map. The problem was it had been leading me to a destination I didn’t want. “But excited, too.”
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Barrett dropped us off at Jimmy’s again and when we walked in, even though we’d been there only once before, it was comfortingly familiar. The same country tune played on the jukebox, Gillian was behind the bar, and the only guy not wearing a cowboy hat was Blake. Sitting in the same spot as the night I’d met him, he stood out still, but this time it wasn’t just the hard body and the begging-to-be-kissed jaw. It was also his warm heart and protective body—it was the way he knew me. I wanted to go over and put my arms around him. To spend every minute of our last night in Christie together.
“Let’s play pool,” Kennedy said.
“I’ll get the drinks,” I said. “You two girls go first.”
Rose and Kennedy headed to the pool table. My stomach somersaulted as Blake watched them go, then jerked his head around when he realized I wasn’t with them. Our eyes locked and I grinned. Slowly, without tearing my eyes away from Blake, I walked toward him. I stood next to him at the bar, just as I had that first night, but this time, it was as if electricity crackled between us.
“Been here long?” I asked.
“I got here as quick as I could. I didn’t want to miss a second with you.”
My heart tumbled in my chest. It was the first time a guy had ever said something that made me shiver and my knees fizz. It wasn’t that I never got compliments, just nothing like that. Blake knew me. He really knew me and still meant it.
“Me too.” If I let myself tell him how incredible I thought he was, I might ruin it. And I wanted him, this, us, to remain special.
“You look beautiful,” he whispered.
“You do, too,” I replied.
Blake chuckled, but I was serious. His jaw had a day’s worth of stubble and his jeans hugged his thighs in a way that made me jealous.
“Is this what tonight’s conversation is going to be? You just agreeing with me?”
I laughed. “No. I just …” I was excited to see him, but a little sad this would be the last time. I wanted to stretch all these moments out so they lasted ten times as long. I wanted to just stand here and study all his angles and details—commit him to memory.
“What?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
“Hey, I thought you were getting good at asking for what you wanted?”
“Nothing. Later.” I smiled and the bartender came over.
“Three double shots of whiskey, please,” I told Gillian when she approached.
Gillian began the ritual of setting out sho
t glasses.
“You determined to get a little drunk tonight?” Blake asked.
“It’s a dilemma.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “You see, I need to get my friends wasted so they don’t notice when I slip away with some guy at the bar, but I want to stay sharp for whatever that guy and I decide to do.”
Blake raised his eyebrows. “I think some guy wants you sharp for what he has planned.”
“I think I need to get my friends real drunk, real quick.”
Blake chuckled and threw back his beer. “Sounds like a plan you should stick to.”
Our hands flat on the bar, he stroked my little finger with his and set my skin alight. I wanted to smooth my hands across his shoulders, press my fingers into the dip above his collarbone. I wanted it to be just him and me—a celebration of the first real relationship I’d ever had and one I was about to give up.
Blake
Sitting in my brother’s truck, the windows wound down, the radio on, I waited for Mackenzie to emerge. It had been exactly ninety-seven minutes since she’d walked into the bar.
The clunk of the door caught my attention and a shock of dark red hair was just visible out of the window. “Hey,” Mackenzie said as she opened the truck door, beaming at me as she climbed in. My shoulders instantly relaxed and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“You got away?” I’d worried I’d have to wait until the bar closed to get her to myself, but she seemed just as enthusiastic as I was about some alone time.
“I did. It was easier than I expected. Kennedy and Rose are so wasted. When I told them I was off to get lucky, Kennedy offered me a condom. You’d think they’d be slightly more concerned with my personal safety.” Her smile lifted higher on one side and I had to resist dragging her across the seat to kiss her.
“You have anywhere particular you want to go?” I asked. I wanted to do whatever she wanted, but I had a backup plan if she was just happy to hang out.
“Nope.” She shrugged. “As long as I’m with you.”
Maybe it was the way she stared into her lap as she said it, but I could tell it wasn’t one of the things she told guys to get them to fall in love with her. I wanted to pull her into my arms right there, but the parking lot at Jimmy’s wasn’t the right place for what I had in mind.