Love Rehab

by Louise Bay

  On a date.

  I liked that she’d put herself out there. She didn’t seem to have any problem going after what she wanted. Maybe I should say yes. There was no doubt she was a catch. Funny, smart as whip and pretty. We had similar backgrounds; we’d both grown up on a ranch and escaped to the city. She was a great girl.

  She just wasn’t Mackenzie.

  Squeezing the back of my neck, I said, “I think you’re great, Alison, but office romances don’t tend to work out for me.”

  “Hell, it was worth a try.” She shrugged and turned her attention back to the presentation. “I can’t believe you’re single and not banging anything with a pulse.”

  I chuckled. “Maybe I am,” I replied. Did I need to start dating?

  “I don’t think so, mister. You’re at work too much. Do you have a type?” She laughed just as the door burst open.

  “What are you two laughing about?” Dave, the other biochemist, asked. I’d looked him up when I got back to Boston. I’d been at UT with him and he was one of the cleverest people I knew. He’d agreed to come on board without much persuasion. He was constantly seeking a new challenge. “Tell me those cultures look good.” His hair stood on end and his forehead creased. He looked genuinely angry.

  I glanced at Alison, who was laughing at Dave. She didn’t seem too offended by me turning her down and I was relieved. I wouldn’t want anything to shift in our team dynamic. It was just so easy between all of us.

  “Calm down, dude, they’re fine. I’ve checked on them twice this morning already,” I replied. What I liked about Dave and the rest of the team was that they really cared about what they were doing. Sure, they’d all get a nice bonus if this thing came off, but I got the impression they’d all work for free as long as the project was right.

  “Okay, so everything’s good?” Dave asked.

  With people like this in Boston, how could I have ever felt like an outsider?

  “Yeah, now I’m in charge of the PowerPoint there’s hope we’ll all still have a job this time next week. Thank God for me.” Alison chuckled.

  “Who let you loose on the presentation?” Dave asked me, looking at my screen.

  “Don’t you start. What were we saying, Alison?” I started to check various drawers around the lab.

  “I was asking you about your type. Maybe I could make a single friend of mine very happy. What kind of girl gets your attention?”

  Red hair.

  Smooth, creamy skin that smells of lilac.

  An open heart belonging to someone who wants to make a difference.

  And a fabulous ass.

  “Did you see my Lehninger?” It was a textbook I’d had since undergrad. “I want to check a reference in this presentation.”

  “Nope,” Alison said.

  “Nah, mine’s at home,” Dave replied, his head in the fridge.

  I started opening the desk drawers. Shit. Where had I put it? I stood and headed toward the three boxes stacked by the door. It was the stuff I’d not unpacked yet from Oklahoma. I ripped off the packing tape from the box and flipped open the lid. Resting on the top of my books was a brown paper grocery bag. My pulse quickened. It was full of the stones Mackenzie had given me. I’d forgotten they were in here.

  I should throw them away. Move on. I had a new life. Except now I wanted more.

  Now I knew what love was.

  I was just waiting for this obsession with Mackenzie to dissolve. But she’d burrowed deep inside my soul and seemed content to stay there.

  I’d let her walk away without pressing for an answer, and now I shared the same city with her and I still sat passively by, hoping that these thoughts of her would disappear. But they wouldn’t.

  Not while I didn’t want them to.

  Not while I still loved her.

  “Did you find it?” Alison asked as I stared into the bag. I glanced up at her. If I couldn’t even contemplate dating a girl like Alison—a sweet, kind, attractive girl that on paper was perfect for me—then there was no one for me. No one else.

  “No,” I replied as I refolded the bag.

  I needed to take a positive step like I had by moving to Boston for my career. There was no room for fear or rejection any longer. I knew what I wanted and I had to shoot for it. Nothing Mackenzie could say to me could make me feel worse, and if I saw her again … I stuffed the bag back in the box, spun around and grabbed my phone from the desk. I headed into the corridor to make a call.

  I pressed dial against my sister’s number and in two rings, she’d answered.

  “Brianna? I need you to do something for me …”

  Mackenzie

  “You like it here?” my mother asked, sitting forward on her chair and glancing around the busy dining room as if she were about to get mugged.

  “We love it here,” Rose said. We’d never been to this place before. The three of us usually did brunch at a local place near Kennedy’s apartment, but as my mother was coming today, I’d picked a place I thought she’d like.

  I’d not seen much of my mother since returning from Oklahoma. I’d been dodging her calls because she kept wanting to talk about Phil. But that couldn’t go on forever. It felt like having the long overdue conversation with her was the next step in getting on with my future. Brunch at a fancy place where she couldn’t make a scene seemed like a good idea. Kennedy and Rose were here for moral support.

  The clatter of dishes echoed around the room, merging with the chatter of the diners, and it took my mind off the stilted conversation at our table.

  “You don’t like it?” I asked. It was hardly a student dive. It was in the center of the city and the high ceilings, Victorian moldings and oil paintings that hung around the dining room gave the place a traditional, high-end vibe. I thought she’d like this place.

  My mother raised one eyebrow. “I’m sure the food is just fine.” She moved her purse to her lap as if a waiter might snatch it. “So I spoke to Phil yesterday,” my mother announced, glancing around the room. I sank into my chair. I’d hoped we’d be at least a mimosa down before this conversation. “He seems to think that it was your idea not to reconcile.” My mother laughed. “I told him that couldn’t possibly be true. I know how you feel about him. And how much you want to get married.” She raised her eyebrows and leaned towards me. “I told him I was meeting you today to talk some sense into you.”

  Rose squeezed my hand under the table. My stomach churned. Having the conversation with Phil when he’d flown all the way to Oklahoma hadn’t been this hard. I never made a decision that my mother didn’t approve of. I didn’t know how to tell her no. But I was determined to dive in head first. “Mom.” I took a deep breath. “Phil’s not right for me.”

  “Phil”—she pointed at me as she spoke, her mouth tight—“is a good man. You could do a lot worse. And he’ll always take care of you. He’s loyal. He’d never leave.”

  “I know he’s great. And you’re right, I could do a lot worse but—”

  “And with his job, you needn’t even work.”

  “But I want to work.” I didn’t work because I had to.

  She wasn’t listening. “If you act quickly, go see him and don’t mess things up again, you might still have a chance at a bright future.”

  “You don’t think my future’s bright without Phil?”

  “You don’t have to find out, darling. I think if you’re prepared to make it up to him, then things can get back on track.”

  I slumped forward, my elbows on the table, my head in my hands. “But I don’t want things back on track. Not with Phil.”

  “Get your elbows off the table. You were not brought up by wolves,” my mother snapped.

  I took a deep breath and sat back, placing my hands in my lap.

  “I’m saying, marrying Phil gives you choices.” She scanned down the menu, but I could tell by the way her fingers grasped the paper that she was trying not to explode at me.

  “I don’t need to marry Phil to have choices
.” I didn’t know how to convince her. Had she forgotten I’d gone to college? And she’d encouraged me. “You gave me the choices I have when you helped me fill in all those forms to get my scholarship to Wellesley.” She’d never gone to college but she’d encouraged me to apply for the best places, convinced we’d find a scholarship from somewhere. She’d stayed up all night, reading through all the forms to make sure each one was perfect. I’d thought she was crazy, being controlling as ever—almost as if the applications had been hers, not mine.

  But I’d gotten in. Our goals had been aligned then.

  “I love you, mom. And I know you’re trying to do what you think is best. And I appreciate it. I really do. But I’m all grown up and I need you to let me decide what will make me happy. If walking away from Phil is the wrong thing, then I want you just to watch me do it and be there if it goes wrong.”

  “I’m always here for you.” She put down her menu and fiddled with the stem of her water glass. “I just don’t want to see you upset and—”

  “I know, but I need to do this. And I know you don’t understand it and I know you’d make a different decision. But I just need you to support me.” I took a breath. “I don’t want to marry Phil. I’d rather be on my own for my whole life than be with someone just to be married.”

  I glanced across at Kennedy, who’d almost lost her eyebrows they were so high up her forehead. Kennedy might be shocked, but this wasn’t a new revelation to me. By telling Phil I didn’t want to marry him, I’d lifted that horse’s leg, graduated Love Rehab and there was no way I was about to go backwards.

  The waitress interrupted us as she came to take our orders. I felt horrible for dragging Rose and Kennedy here. First to Oklahoma and now to this showdown with my mom. They really were the best ever girlfriends.

  After the waitress had collected our menus, my mother leaned across the table and whispered, “It’s not exactly as if you’ve got other options. If not Phil, then who? You’re about to turn thirty. If you’re not careful, you’re going to have no one to take care of you, no one to rely on.”

  Her words melted over me and seeped into my brain. No one to take care of me? Phil would never leave me?

  Rose patted my hand as I stared at my mom but I didn’t need comforting. I leaned back in my chair, my heart heavy for the woman who sat across from me. I realized now that as much as my mother was controlling and overbearing, it was because she didn’t want me to make the mistakes she had. She wanted me to marry a man that wouldn’t abandon me and our children. She wanted me to have a better life, just as she’d done when she’d helped me with my scholarship applications. Even now she wanted me to be protected and happy and getting married was how she thought it could happen. Our goals for me were still the same. But now our solutions were a little different.

  My anxiety lifted and I smiled. I was no longer scared I wouldn’t please her.

  “I didn’t realize it until today, but with you making the choices you did—to remarry so we were financially taken care of, to tell me that of course I could go to Wellesley—you’ve let me do this. It means I don’t have to marry a man I don’t love. And I’m grateful to you.”

  My mother stared into her glass, stock still. Was I about the get her water over my head? Was she about to have a stroke?

  “Well,” my mother said. “You know I’ll always love and support you, no matter your choices. I just hope you don’t regret it.” She twisted in her seat, speaking as if she half hoped I wouldn’t hear her and wanted to make sure I did at the same time.

  I reached for my mother’s hand across the table and her eyes filled with tears. “I love you,” she whispered, still staring at her drink. Finally, she glanced up at me but before I could reply her phone rang, and she dug through her purse to find it. I’m sorry, I mouthed at Rose and Kennedy. They both shook their heads and smiled.

  “Girls, I beg your pardon. You’re going to have to excuse me. That was Colin.” Her chair scraped against the ground as my mother stood. “He’s lost his glasses and he’s due to fly up to Toronto. I’m going to have to go and help him find them.”

  I wasn’t sure if my step-dad calling was a good excuse to leave a difficult situation, or whether she was so used to doing everything she could to please Colin that she didn’t think it was odd to leave halfway through a brunch with her daughter to go and find his glasses. Either way, I’d found the strength to tell her what I wanted and the sky had not fallen in. As my mother stood up, I felt nothing but admiration for her. And I could do nothing but love her for trying to protect me and give me a better life ever since my father left.

  She kissed Rose and Kennedy on the cheek as I stood to say good-bye. She leaned forward and, as she pressed her cheek to mine in a kiss good-bye, she whispered, “I’m so very proud of you.” My stomach clenched as I tried to hold down the tears.

  The three of us watched in silence as my mother left the restaurant.

  “Are you okay?” Rose asked when the door had closed.

  I nodded. “Yeah I really am.”

  “I thought we were going to witness a huge argument, drinks being thrown and hair being pulled,” Kennedy said. “I feel kinda cheated.”

  We all laughed. “I feel better. Good even. And not because I told her what I wanted. But because I understand her more. I think we both want the same thing for me. I didn’t get that until today.”

  “I think that deserves a celebration. Miss,” Kennedy called to the waitress. “Can we get a bottle of champagne?”

  “You want mimosas?” the waitress asked.

  “My friend’s allergic to citrus. So just the champagne,” Kennedy replied. I managed to stifle the giggle until the waitress left.

  “Who’s allergic?” Rose asked when the waitress had left.

  “No one,” Kennedy and I chorused.

  “We’re trying to avoid being judged for drinking before noon,” Kennedy explained. “And we’re celebrating single Mackenzie.”

  Phil was in my past and there wasn’t even a small part of me that regretted that. I knew I’d never look back. And neither would he. Our bond wasn’t deep enough to have left a permanent scar. How could either of us have thought we’d last forever?

  The waitress arrived at our table with the champagne, poured three glasses.

  “I bought a new oven,” I announced and I tipped back the glass of champagne, gulping down the taste of apples and air.

  “A new oven? How come?” Rose asked.

  “You never use your oven.” Kennedy took a sip of her drink.

  I shrugged. “I know. Now I might.” I wanted to fix what was broken in my life and I wanted to stop thinking of my place as something temporary, as my home only until I got married. Maybe I never would. My future was foggy; I couldn’t see yet how it was going to turn out. But that was okay. “I bought some herbs and planted them in these cute pots I got.”

  Kennedy looked at me suspiciously from over her glass. “So this is you trying to apply the things that we learned in Oklahoma?”

  “Yeah. I think it is.” Brianna had warned me it wouldn’t be easy, that I’d fail and I’d have to pick myself up and try again, but so far so good.

  Our food arrived and we tried to arrange the table so it didn’t look like the three of us had ordered four brunches.

  “Well, I’ve not slept with my boss,” Rose said with a smile that said Can you believe it? “And a guy from IT asked me out. I said no.”

  I was impressed. I’d never known Rose to turn down a date before. She always said that every guy deserved a first date.

  “Sounds like progress,” Kennedy said.

  “Oh yes, and I asked for a leave of absence from work,” I said putting pancakes on everyone’s plates. My confession was met with silence. I looked up, wondering if they’d heard me. They were both staring at me. “Can we get another side of bacon, please?” I asked the waitress.

  “A leave of absence?” Kennedy asked. “And do we really need more bacon? It looks like yo
u have it covered.”

  The table was full of food. “You’re right. Can you hold that bacon but instead get some French toast?”

  “No.” Rose put her palm in my face. “I will not let you carb overload. You have to keep your nice ass if you’re going back on the market.”

  I looked Rose in the eye and tried to stuff an entire pancake in my mouth at once. Then I wished I hadn’t because I couldn’t chew properly.

  “Jesus. Have the French toast if it means I don’t have to see you chew,” Kennedy said.

  “This is such a celebration,” Rose said. “I think. What’s with the leave of absence? To help you get over Phil? I’m lost.”

  “No. I want to take three months to try and get my E-Summer school off the ground. I found someone to partner with on the techie stuff.” My laptop had had a meltdown that week and I’d spent the day in the basement with the IT guys trying to get it to work. The computer was unsalvageable, but I’d gotten to talking with the guy who was trying to fix it, sharing my ideas for the summer school program.

  “You did? Who?” Kennedy asked.

  “Andy. He’s just out of college and working in our IT department, but he has a gaming background.”

  “And you’ve done a business plan together? You’ve drawn up a partnership agreement? This has all happened so fast; I’ve not heard about anything.” Kennedy’s words tumbled out.

  I swallowed another mouthful of pancake. “Nope. None of the above. He might not even be the right guy, but I really want to do it. I’ve been thinking about this thing for years and I’ve made zero progress. If I devote all my time to it for three months, then I figure that I’ll know if it’s going to work.”

  “And if it doesn’t?”

  I shrugged. I didn’t have a plan. I just knew I had to try. “You’re right, Rose. This is a celebration of the future Mackenzie Locke. I’m looking forward to getting to know her.”

  I took another forkful of pancake and grinned.

  “And what about your love life? You going to start dating?” Rose asked.

  “Nope. I think I’m going to be single for a while.” I didn’t trust myself when it came to men. Not yet. I wasn’t sure I ever would. I’d become so good at making the wrong choices in relation to guys that I wasn’t sure I knew what the right ones even looked like. And I wasn’t ready to forget about Blake quite yet. I still had this tremendous pull toward him, and it didn’t seem to be lessening with the passing weeks.