by Becca Taylor
Blood rushes to my head, and I’m fully pissed. She still won’t look at me, and now, she’s ready to run.
“Are we going to do this with you naked?” She stands, tapping her foot.
“Yes.”
“Fine. Us. I told you I am not ready for things to go to this fast.”
“Too fast. Lex, we’ve been together for almost a year.”
“Ten months.”
I don’t know if I should be ticked off because she is challenging me or happy she actually knows how long we’ve been dating.
“If you count when we first got together, it’s been longer than that,” I tell her.
“That doesn’t count.” She’s practically stomping her feet.
“The fuck it doesn’t. Every time we were together, it counted.” She may have run that time, but it still meant more than a casual romp in the sack. If it didn’t count, she wouldn’t have come back.
She throws my underwear at me. I catch it. I’ll be damned if I am going to put it on. Just to piss her off, I throw it on the floor. Casually, I lean against the door with my ankles crossed.
“Let me out, Hunter.”
“No, Lexi. We are going to talk this out.”
“Not with you dressed like that, we aren’t.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not dressed in anything, sweetheart.”
She stares me down. The sweetheart comment was probably too much. Then her face changes.
“Hunter, please don’t do this.”
I take a deep breath. Reluctantly, I put on my briefs, but I don’t leave my station at the door. She’s going to talk to me.
“Better?” I ask her.
“No.”
I’ve never seen her like this. Angry is not a good look for her. More to the point, angry with me is not a good look. I’m not even sure why she’s mad. I’m the one who should be. She doesn’t want to live with me. What in the ever-loving fuck did I do to the world that it keeps giving me women who hate me? I must have been a womanizer in a past life. It’s really getting on my fucking nerves.
As I take two steps closer to her, she takes two back. I take a few more, but she’s fast. She sidesteps me and bolts for the door. I’m just as fast. My hand is on the door before she gets it fully open.
“Lex, just talk to me. I don’t know what the fuck just happened. One minute, we are fine, and the next, we are arguing over something stupid.”
Her eyes well up, and it crushes me. I’ve never seen her cry. Ever. I raise my hand to her cheek. She leans into my touch for a split second then pulls away.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“I agree; I’m done with fighting.” It was a stupid fight. If she doesn’t want to move in here, fine.
“I need time, Hunter.”
“Time for what, Lex?”
“To think.”
“About what? You need to give me more than these short answers.”
She finally looks up at me, and my heart crushes. I know what she’s about to say.
“I need to be alone for a little bit to think.”
“You want this to end?” I ask with a stone-cold face. My guard is up.
“I didn’t say that. I just can’t think while I’m around you.”
I open the door and move two steps over. She stops halfway out the door.
“I’m not ready to move in with you.”
“I figured that,” I huff back.
“I’m sorry, Hunter. I’ll call you later.”
“Not necessary, Lex. You pretty much let me know where you think this is going a second ago.”
“Don’t do this,” she pleads.
“I’m not doing anything. Just stating the facts. You said this was too fast, so I’m putting on the brakes. It was fun while it lasted. I’ll see you around sometime.” It’s cold and harsh, to say the least, but I didn’t mean a fucking word of it.
She walks out the door without another word. I thought it was bad the first two times I went through this, but this is that same pain times a million. On the outside, I look calm but inside is a different story. It hurts like a motherfucker, but I know if I stay with her any longer, and this happens a year down the road, I’ll break. There may be no coming back from this already. She’s taking my heart that’s on the bracelet she’s wearing. She can keep it. It’s been nothing but a pain in my ass since the day I was born.
I head straight for the studio. For the past ten months, it’s been my practice room again, and Lexi would come in watch me. I fell in love with this space again. This time, it’s back to the way it was for years. My escape. I crank Breaking Benjamin, not even bothering with my earplugs or headphones. “Failure.” I’m getting fucking sick of failing.
I HAVE NO IDEA where to go. I have been driving around in circles for a while now. Going home isn’t an option. My parents are there. Most of my friends are blissfully happy, and I don’t want to ruin that for them.
I’ve never felt like this before. My heart feels like it’s shattering into a million pieces. I don’t like it. If this is what a breakup feels like, it’s one experience I could have lived without. One minute, I was satiated and happy, then the next, not so much. And it’s all my fault.
Everyone thinks I have an ideal living situation because I live in a nice house on the beach. It’s not. My family may not live here full time, but it’s still their house, their rules. I stay because it gives me the opportunity to save every penny. The minute they walk through the door, they start dictating how I should live my life, just as they always have. I don’t think they notice I’m a grown-ass woman and not a fifteen-year-old girl anymore. But they will never see me like that.
Mom starts with her usual, “You shouldn’t be sleeping so late, Alexia. You are wasting the day away. Don’t eat that, it’s not good for you. You’re not young anymore, and you should be watching your figure. You go to the beach too much. Your skin is going age from being in the sun so much.”
Dad goes on about my career. “Alexia, you should be working in your own practice at this point. You’ll never build up clientele if you wait too long. You’re wasting your degree on giving massages to people.”
Aly got an earful when she called after one of those parent/daughter conversations. We were going to talk about the bachelorette party. Instead, she told me she had the perfect solution for me. I could rent her old apartment then move upstairs to her and Bentley’s place when they move out. We only decided a few days ago that I would wait until they move out before I move in. For the first time, I was excited to get out on my own. I’ve never had a place I could decorate and make completely mine. I want that experience. I’ve been saving to buy a house, but I am not ready to commit to that. And there’s that word again—commit.
When Hunter said he wanted me to move in with him, I thought he was joking. Then he said I would move in with him, and that trapped feeling came back. How can I explain it, when I don’t even know why it happens? I just know I needed to get out of there, but he wouldn’t let me leave. That just makes it a thousand times worse. I felt like that little girl whose life was being dictated to her.
I call Jade.
“Hey, Lexi. I just got home.”
“Good, I’m coming over.”
I don’t even bother to say anything else. I just hang up. I’m five minutes from her.
I cut the engine on the car and run to the front door. I pound on it like there’s a fire outside. Jade opens the door.
“Jeez, Lexi. Give me a minute.”
I can’t breathe. I’m about to lose it, and I don’t do that. Hiding my feelings is something I normally do well. She can see the panic in my eyes. Jade is one of the few people who knows about my occasional panic attacks. One day, when my parents started in on me, she witnessed me having one.
“Look at me, Lexi,” she says as pulls me inside and helps me to the couch. She takes my hands in hers and puts them on her wrists so I can feel her pulse. It’s something we do whenever we feel overwhelme
d. When she starts to breathe slowly, I mimic her. I start to calm only to have a whole new set of emotions start. Pain.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
I take one more breath then tell her everything. From the moment I told him I found an apartment to the part that’s really making me panic—Hunter leaving me. By the time I finish, I feel my cheeks are wet.
“Good Lord, I’m leaking. What is happening to me, J?” I never cry. Ever. I angrily wipe them off my face.
“Aww, Lexi. You’ve become a girly girl. I’m proud of you.”
“For getting dumped. You suck at being a good friend.”
“Not for that. You didn’t get dumped. You had a fight—a really stupid fight too.”
“Jade, I’m pretty sure him telling me not to call was a blow off.”
She lets out a frustrated sigh. “You two are idiots.”
“Thanks, Jade. This pep talk is really making me feel so much better.” If anything, I feel worse about myself.
“It’s true. You just told me what happened, and wow, you panic and push away when he wants to get closer. He panics and pushed you out the door when he thinks you are going to hurt him like he was hurt in the past. You both have issues. Let me ask you this. How many nights a week do you spend at Hunter’s house?”
“I don’t know. It depends. Three. But if my parents are here, then every night.”
“Okay. And when you aren’t with him, do you want to be with him?”
“Yes.” I don’t understand what she’s trying to get at.
“In the time you’ve been with him, has Hunter ever tried to hold you back from doing anything?”
“No.”
“Then why do you think he would dictate how your life should be?”
Because I’ve seen my father control both my mother’s and my life. That’s why. I don’t say it, but it’s at the forefront of my thoughts.
“Hunter’s not like that, Lex. I’ve seen you two together. The man would walk through fire for you. Why won’t you let him in?”
I listen to all she’s saying, and she’s right. “I think I already did.”
“I know. You are different with him, in a good way. He brings out the softer side in you. I kind of love him for that.”
“I love him too.” The realization of what I said hits me. I fucking love him. Not just like … love.
“I know that too.”
The waterworks start again, and I can’t shut them off. I’m pretty sure I messed up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. “What do I do?”
“First, you stop being an idiot and get over your commitment issues. You’ve already been tied to him longer than you have any other man. Then you do whatever you have to do to get him back.” She says it like it will be the easiest thing in the world. But I have no clue how to do it.
“Like what? You have to help me here, Jade.”
She laughs. “You really are clueless. Tell him the truth about how your family treated you like a prodigy and not a child. That they forced you to do so much, you now panic when you feel like you are being pushed into a situation. You beg for forgiveness. Make sure to tell him he was right, and you were having a hormonal woman moment. Show lots of skin. Lastly, you tell him how you feel about him.”
“I can do this. Piece of cake.” It’s a lie. Another feeling gets mixed in with all these new emotions. Doubt.
ANOTHER ONE OF my friends just got engaged. I want to be happy for her, but a hint of something inside me that I don’t want to think about is there. Jealousy. First Kat, then Dani followed, and now, Aly. Three of my best friends have found their perfect match. Three of my best friends are so helplessly in love with men who are just as awesome as they are.
I look across the room to the man I’ve been stealing glances at all night. We haven’t said two words to each other. We exchanged more of a head nod than a hello. It hurts. God, it hurts so bad.
Jade nudges me. “You all right?”
I give her a weak smile in return. I decide to focus on something else. “So when are we having a bachelorette party for everyone?”
The conversation moves to when, where, and whether there will be entertainment. Both Jade and I say yes. Kat is on the fence while Aly and Dani are leaning to the no side of my idea. We decide to have it here since I’ll be moving in soon. To make this even better, Jade is taking the apartment downstairs.
Aly and Bentley left a short time ago, but the rest of us keep on partying. After a few too many celebratory cocktails on my part, my bladder screams at me. I head toward the bathroom. As I turn the corner, I run into a brick wall. Hunter holds ups his arms, catching some of the impact.
“Sorry.” There is a slur in my words and a sway to my stance. Hunter stands there, looking down at me, stock-still.
“No problem.” He starts to walk around me, but I don’t want him to leave.
“How are you?” I’m sure, in my slightly inebriated state, I say it too loud, but it gets him to look at me.
“Fine. You?”
I’m miserable without you. I want to say exactly that, but I can’t. “Great. I mean this is a great party.”
“Yeah. I’m going to head back out. Actually, I’m about to head home. See you around, Lexi.”
It’s rare that he calls me Lexi. For the first time, I notice that he only calls me that if I am testing his patience. Almost always, he calls me Lex or one of the nicknames he used to call me.
“Yeah, see you.”
He starts to walk away, and I don’t want him to go.
“Hunter?”
He spins to look at me.
“It was good seeing you.” The words I say come out wrong. I was going to tell him I miss him. I was stupid. I regret what happened that night. Most of all, I want him back.
He doesn’t say anything back. I get the same head nod that he gave me earlier. He walks down the hall while I go into the bathroom. I try my hardest not to break down. My efforts only half work. I don’t cry, but I sit against the door a good ten minutes, reliving the whole interaction.
A soft knock on the door makes me jump.
“Lexi, are you all right?” Jade asks from the other side of the door.
“Just a minute.”
“Everyone left. Open up,” she pleads.
I unlock the door to let her in. She doesn’t say anything but stays close just in case. It only takes a minute for my emotions to come through. Lately, I just can’t stop. I’ve officially made up for all those times I didn’t cry. And I’m getting really sick of it.
IT FELT LIKE I was in hell last night. Seeing Lexi was the equivalent to a knife in the chest. All the feelings I shoved down have resurfaced. The only reason I went to the party was because Aly and Kat begged me. They wanted the band to play an acoustic set. They went on and on about the special song Aly wanted us to play, but when I found out the reason why, the knife in my chest was twisted a little more. For days, I waited for her to call me after our stupid fight. Because it was fucking stupid.
I refuse to beg her to come back, even if it’s made me a miserable bastard. I throw myself into working as many hours as possible until I’m too exhausted and crash for the night. Today is no different from the past few days. I get up, run, work the morning shift at Butter My Bread, and then head to the construction site. We are gutting a new house. Each time I swing the sledgehammer, rip the drywall down, or tear up a piece of flooring, I hope it will loosen the knot in my chest. It’s having the opposite effect. The rage inside keeps boiling, rising to the surface. I feel sorry for the person who is standing next to me when it breaks free.
“I’m waiting for you to rip the kitchen out with your bare hands. What the fuck is going on with you, Hunt?” Jeremy has been asking me the same question every day.
“Nothing. I’m fucking peachy.” I give a fake smile.
“I can tell. You’re just a ray of sunshine. I know it’s about Lexi. The other night enough sexual tension existed between the two of you
to light up the town.”
“There’s definitely no sex, but a whole lot of tension for sure.” I grunt out quietly.
“Then there’s your problem. The best thing about a fight is the making up.”
“It’s not that simple, man.”
“The fuck it isn’t. You go to her house, throw her over your shoulder, and apologize for being a dumb shit.”
“Who says it was my fault?” I’m not taking the blame.
“It doesn’t matter. The woman is always right.” He says it like that is the final answer.
“All I did was ask her to move in.”
“I take it she said no.”
I huff.
“Let me guess. Hunter went all defensive, and your instinctive guard took over. You decided to take matters into your own hands and push her away.”
“It wasn’t like that. You didn’t see her. She acted like a scared mouse looking for an escape after being cornered by a cat.” More like a tiger, but that’s not the point. The point I am trying to make is that she didn’t want to move forward.
“Did you make her feel like she was being cornered? And what’s the big deal if she’s not ready to move in? That’s nothing, man. Other people have bigger relationship problems than that. You’ve been together for how long?” Jeremy grills.
“Ten fucking months.”
“That’s nothing. Try two fucking years and then … never mind. Just talk to her. I know you, Hunter. You won’t let this go. You’re going to let it eat you up like you did with Amber and even Gabby, who were both wrong for you. I’ve seen you and the way you look at Lexi. The way you two connect is different. It’s better.”
“Shit, I don’t want to talk about this, Jeremy. Let me get back to smashing shit.” I pick up the hammer again and start knocking holes into the drywall with the notched end.
“Suit yourself. I’ll shut up, but only because pissed-off Hunter has put us two days ahead of schedule.”
“Glad my shit attitude is good for something.”
As I take the next swing, I replay the conversation with Jeremy. He said something and didn’t finish. I put the hammer down. He’s demolishing the drywall next to me.