Captivate Me

by Ryan Michele

  When he left me, I had no one. Well, I still have my father’s brother and his family, but I’m mostly alone. That is why Angel, my old college friend and GT’s ol’ lady, and I got along so well. She lost her father, too. She never talked about her mother, and I couldn’t. Why? Because I never met her.

  Her name is Lucia. She disappeared as soon as I was born, leaving me with the only man I’ve ever loved—my father, Chad.

  My dad never spoke ill of her. I think he actually loved her, although she ditched us. Over the years, I thought about tracking her down. Surely, there’s a way to do that, but I never have. I don’t see a point to it, really. She didn’t want me then, so why on earth would she want me now? Besides, some things are better left untouched.

  The funny thing is, once I met Angel in one of our classes together, I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Sure, we went through some shit when she lost her baby and then with Jace, but we held strong, even after she moved back to Sumner from Cherry Vale. For that, I’m eternally grateful. There is nothing worse than feeling alone in a world with so many people.

  I know what you’re thinking—she always has a man. True, I do, but I’ve never been in a relationship. Before the whole Jace turning out to be an asshole debacle, I liked to have fun. If that meant bringing home a man or even dating one for a period of time, I did it. I like sex, so sue me.

  My therapist said I was “trying to fill a void because I missed my father.” It could be true. Who knows? What I do know is that since Buzz came into my life, not one of those idiots holds a candle to him. None, and I don’t even want to try.

  Every single time I’ve been with Buzz, it has drawn me into him more. I never realized how much I need to have the dominance of a man, one who tells me what he wants so I don’t have to guess. Buzz tells me everything, step by step.

  It’s not like I’m a robot or anything like that. No. Not even close. It’s that I don’t have to think. I can put everything else in my life to the side and only focus on the moment with Buzz. I don’t have to relive my father’s death or feel the abandonment from my mother or even think about the guys who have come and gone from my life, proving they didn’t have a clue what they were doing.

  With Buzz, I can be in the moment, and I love that about him.

  It’s not just the sex with Buzz, though. It’s him. The whole package. The best thing that happened to us was me going back up to Cherry Vale to school. Yes, truth. Our relationship began so physical that having that time on the phone or via Skype is what made me fall for the guy. However, maybe those conversations weren’t so good because falling for a man like Buzz isn’t a good thing. Damn.

  I’ve seen the women around the clubhouse. Angel has told me stories, and I know at any time, Buzz could have whoever he wants. The thought of him with another woman slices a hole in my soul.

  Even if I remind myself more times than I can count that Buzz isn’t mine, it doesn’t help in the least. If anything, it only pushes the knife in deeper. I have no knowledge of him with anyone else, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a real possibility.

  My chest constricts.

  The arm around my waist tightens. “What’re you thinkin’ about so hard?” Buzz’s sleepy, rough voice is so damn sexy. How he knew I was awake, I have no clue. I haven’t moved a single inch.

  “You,” I answer honestly.

  One thing I’ve never done with Buzz is lie to him. Even if we’re in the middle of heated sex and things aren’t working for me, I tell him. He says, “Communication is the most important thing in our relationship,” and I agree.

  “What about?” he presses, shifting his body and pulling me more securely to him.

  I wiggle, getting comfortable. “How I like being free.”

  “What do you mean free?” he asks, moving his body down and aligning our faces so we look into each other’s eyes.

  His are sexy blue, and the more I stare at them, the more they draw me in. They are like a drug, pulling me and making me addicted to this man, which isn’t good. But in this moment with his attention fully on me, I can’t help letting the pull captivate me.

  “I like that when I’m with you, I don’t have to worry about anything. I can let my mind go blank, and I know that you’ll take care of me.”

  He reaches over and plants a kiss on my forehead, sending tingles down my neck.

  “I know I can trust you not to push me beyond what I can take.”

  “I like that, too,” he whispers seductively, and I can’t stop the smile from forming. “I love it when you bite your lip like that.” I release it with a pop, not realizing I was doing it. “So fucking sexy, Bella.”

  “Oh, yeah?” I tease. “That the only thing you find sexy about me?”

  He brushes the hair away from my forehead, placing it behind my ear, the touch soft and comforting. “Nah, I find pretty much every move you make sexy: the sway of those fucking hips, your eyes when you’re pissed off, your laugh—pretty much everything.”

  My heart stops for a moment, and then I will it to stop beating so damn fast. He has never said these things to me before. Sure, while we’re fucking, he’ll say something about my body, but never just lying in bed, looking into one another’s eyes like this. Ever.

  My heart wants to read so much into this, but my brain is smarter. You cannot fall. You’ll get hurt.

  “You’re pretty sexy yourself, big guy,” I say back, instead.

  “Fuck, give me those lips.”

  My body full-out shivers as I lean into him and let him take my mouth. And take, he does.

  I try to give it back to him. With any other man, I could hold my own, but this is Buzz. He is the dominator. He is the ruler, and I love it.

  I get so lost in the kiss that I don’t feel him roll me so he’s on top. I also don’t register my legs involuntarily opening for him to fall between or that he’s sucking the air out of my lungs until he pulls away, and I gasp, trying to get oxygen inside of me.

  He stares at me. What I wouldn’t give to know what is behind those eyes. Just a small little imprint into his brain. I think about asking him, but fear of the answer stops me.

  He bends down and rubs his nose along mine in a move so tender I close my eyes briefly and enjoy it.

  “You’re so damn beautiful,” he tells me as I open my eyes again, happiness warming me. “Fuckin’ love when you smile.” At that, my smile widens.

  “You’re not too bad yourself, stud,” I say playfully, and when I get his smirk, my insides melt. Damn, I love when he does that one little movement.

  “Stud?” He raises his brow, his tone teasing.

  “Yep, like in Grease. Sandy says ‘Tell me about it, stud.’ ” I full-out laugh.

  He brushes hair away from my face. “I know somethin’ that needs to get dirty.”

  The smile is sucked from my face as his lips come down in a penetrating kiss. I meet him as best I can, following his lead, but each second his lips are on mine, my heart squeezes more than before. God, this man can kiss. The best I’ve ever had, bar none.

  My body ignites, but he goes no further than his lips and hands on my body.

  Buzz is always demanding. Tender comes afterward. In the moment of us coming together, he is fierce. This kiss, though, is a different definition of fierce. He’s taking and taking, but he’s giving me so much more: tenderness, caring, caressing. I realize, without a doubt, I’m in serious trouble where Buzz is concerned.

  He tears his lips from mine, his eyes blazing with fire. My insides quiver. I know that look, know what is coming. I have no worries that he’ll take care of me.

  “Arms up,” he orders, and I listen with no reservation. “Hold on to the bars, or I’ll tie you to them.”

  My body shakes at the thought.

  Buzz cascades his rough hands down my neck to my chest as he massages my breasts, each touch getting harder, rougher, and more intense. He leans down and pulls a nipple into his mouth, nipping the tip. The pleasure and pain cause my clit to thr
ob.

  As I shift my hips, I feel his hard length at my entrance.

  Each time, I want him more and more.

  “Spread those legs wider.”

  I spread out as far as I can open myself to him.

  “Not going to play this morning. I’ve got shit to do and can’t give you the time I want.”

  Disappointment hits me in the chest like a boulder. After all this time we haven’t seen each other, he’s not going to play?

  “Babe,” he calls, and I look at him. “Later tonight, when I get shit sorted, we’ll play.”

  To that, I smile.

  “Now, I need to fuck you.”

  “I need that, too,” I whisper, wanting to kick myself for how needy I sound.

  He reaches over, grabs a condom, and then plants himself inside me to the root.

  With my hands still on the headboard spindles, my knuckles turn white from my grip as he thrusts inside of me hard, deep. So damn deep.

  He reaches down and pinches my clit, and my need grows, waking up my nerves from their slumber. The more he pummels into my body, the more I want … the more I crave.

  Everything in my body tightens as I explode, clamping around his cock.

  “Damn, babe,” he says, still moving. He pushes in and stills, grunting my name, which is the sexiest word that comes from his lips.

  My entire body trembles as I crash back down to earth.

  Buzz falls onto the bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me, putting his front to my back and pulling up the blankets. It doesn’t get past me that his breathing is quite labored, as well.

  “Bella?” he asks into my hair.

  “Yeah?” The word comes out so breathy it’s laughable, but he doesn’t laugh.

  “There’s shit going down, and I need you here. Need you safe. You’ve gotta stay here until all of it gets handled.” Out of all the words that just came from his lips, the ones I focus on are the unspoken. After it’s handled, I want you out.

  I push the thought away and try not to let the hurt penetrate.

  “Can you tell me what’s going on?” I’ve never asked Buzz about club business, because it is none of mine. But since he did call me on a whim, having me haul my ass here, I figure this is my time to ask.

  “Just know that it’s not safe for you outside these gates right now. We’re going to have a full load coming in. I’m going to need you to help Princess and the rest of the ol’ ladies get shit sorted. I’m gonna be busy trying to fix this.”

  My stomach falls a bit at the thought of being here and not being with him.

  “But I’ll make it a point to see you.”

  That makes me feel a little bit better. At least he can carve something out for me, and it will be nice to catch up with Casey. When she became GT’s ol’ lady, she got the name Angel. Some sort of rite of passage or something like that. I still didn’t understand everything. Hell, I barely understand anything, but I roll with it.

  “Alright, but I’m a little scared that I can’t leave here. Is whatever’s going on that bad?”

  “Babe, I wouldn’t fucking make you stay here if it wasn’t.”

  The punch to the gut hits hard. He wouldn’t make me stay here if he didn’t have to. Shit, I need a reality check. Sex—great, fantastic sex—but just sex, nonetheless.

  I can actually feel the small bits of my heart cracking and falling to the ground then shattering like glass. He wants me here to protect me, but that’s all this is, and I’m going to end up the one hurt.

  “Okay,” I breathe out, and he kisses my lips quickly, rolls out of bed, and then heads into the bathroom.

  I stare up at the ceiling, wondering what I’m going to do and trying to hold back the tears.

  My pulse drums as hands touch me. The blood. The tears. Me being held down.

  Pressure on my back won’t allow me to move an inch. Even when I kick my legs, they are halted immediately. I feel trapped. Caged.

  I try to stay strong, but the pain is intense, and I’m unable to keep it at bay.

  As I press my head into the pillow, a guttural noise comes from my throat.

  I can do this. I’m doing this to protect him. I’ll always protect him, no matter the cost.

  I pop up from bed, covered in sweat. The cool breeze from the fan gives me a slight chill. I look around the room, noting the dresser and chair in the corner. My room at the clubhouse.

  Breathing out, I lie back down and stare up at the yellow discolored ceiling. After all these years, it still haunts me: the day when my life changed forever, the day when the bad destroyed me.

  I’m not sure where all the food came from, but boy, did it come. I help Ma, Mearna, Angel, and Princess stack canned foods in the huge pantry off the kitchen, already having filled the freezer and refrigerator with Tanner and Blaze’s help. I don’t know if I should admire these women or be scared that they can do this so well. They need little time or effort to get everything in its place.

  “How many people are coming?” I ask to no one in particular as I put an enormous can of green beans on a shelf. I swear the thing could feed a couple dozen.

  “About a hundred, maybe more,” Princess answers, stacking two cans to my one. I really need to work out more.

  I stop my movements and turn to them. “Really, that many?”

  I’ve been alone for so long that even thinking of a hundred family members is beyond my realm of comprehension.

  “Oh, yeah. It’ll be chaos for a while, especially with all the kids raising a ruckus,” Princess adds.

  “But it’ll be fun, too,” Ma says, looking between the two of us. She’s been quiet, only speaking to give instructions. I have a feeling that something more is going on here than anyone tells me. “We’ll make it that way.” She clears her throat and grabs some plates.

  I look at Princess and Angel. I have to admit that I didn’t even think on my drive here about what it would be like with these ladies. Now that I’m here, part of me is surprised of how they brought me into the fold. I don’t feel like a stranger or like I don’t belong in the slightest. I don’t know if that’s because of my friendship with Angel or whatever Buzz and I are.

  “Yes, we will,” Mearna, Tanner’s mom and Dagger’s ol’ lady, says boldly, putting her arm around Ma, who gives her a slight smile.

  They both take off. It doesn’t slip past me that the family ties here run deep.

  “There’s a lot going on,” Princess says vaguely.

  “I sure do love everyone’s openness,” I retort, causing Angel to laugh.

  “You have no idea.” She shakes her head.

  “What are you doing with X?” Angel asks Princess.

  She shrugs. “Sucks, but since Blaze, you, and I all have to be here, we’re shutting down. Wish we had someone we could trust, but …” Her words trail off, and I look at Angel.

  “I get it.” I didn’t really. When Angel looks at me, she sees it.

  “Princess is very picky about who she chooses to run her business.”

  “That’s putting it mildly,” Tanner says, popping in then leaving again.

  Both Princess and Angel chuckle.

  I’d be picky, too, if I had my own business.

  Princess claps her hands. “We need to start prepping for lunch.”

  I nod. “Tell me what to do.” Since I’m bound to be here, I need to earn my keep.

  Angel and I get started on potato salad by peeling and cutting as we sit in the back prep area of the kitchen.

  “So, you and Buzz? Or you, Breaker, and Buzz?” Angel asks nonchalantly.

  I pull the peeler over the potato, slicing the skin off. “Really, neither.” I hate saying that, but it’s the truth, and I refuse to lie. I hate liars.

  “What?” Angel’s hand falls from her work, and I look at her.

  I shrug. “It’s just for fun. When whatever this is settles down, I’ll go back to my life, and Buzz will go back to his.” I go back to focusing on the food, both loving and hating the
fact that our contact will be only through electronics. Maybe even cut off for good once this is over.

  “Is this fun like the other ones or different?” she challenges me, and I smile.

  She’s been around for the revolving door of men. Some may consider me a whore, but I don’t feel that way about myself. How is it that a man can sleep with whoever he wants and it’s fine? Then flip it around and the woman’s a whore? I was safe every time and even get checked regularly. Unfortunately, none of those men made me feel a fourth of what Buzz does. And the bigger problem is that he doesn’t feel the same.

  I look into Angel’s eyes then let out a deep breath. “For me, it’s very different, but that doesn’t matter.”

  “Why wouldn’t it matter?” she asks, and my stomach falls.

  The one time my heart feels anything, and I know it will be over soon. The ache grows.

  I wave my hand with the peeler. “It’s no big deal. You explained this life to me, Angel.” I shake my head. “Feels weird calling you that, but whatever.” She gives a soft smile, and I continue, “I get it. It is what it is, and I’m not going to spend what time I have with him worrying about when it will end and I’ll need to head back to Cherry Vale. I’m going to enjoy him.” And stock every single moment in my memory bank.

  “I don’t like this,” Angel says, going back to the food. “You need to talk to him.”

  “Yes, mother.”

  “I mean it, Bella. You don’t want to fuck up like I did with GT. I almost ruined us for good. I look back now, and I just did everything so wrong. So terribly wrong.”

  The history between Angel and GT is complicated. She explained the loss of their baby and her thinking GT cheated on her because he made it look that way. I got what she said. I didn’t want to screw it up, either, whatever it was.

  “The difference between you and GT and us is … You have history and were destined to be together. Buzz and I met because he came up to school and got you. It was a whim, and I’m not going to make this out to be something it’s not.” Even as I say those last words, my heart aches. It’s true, and I don’t like the truth. I would rather have a slap to the face than feel this.