The Game of Desire

by Shannon Boodram

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  Counterstriking with Vulnerable Targets

  Vulnerable areas of the body should be your immediate focus in case of an attack. Counterattacks that are focused on these points will stun or debilitate your aggressor, giving you time to get away. While the groin area is a popular target, it is also one that most attackers predict you will attempt to strike. So try these instead:

  Note: The eyes, nose, throat and groin are the most vulnerable targets.

  Note: To create a fist, curl your fingers in tightly, thumb on the outside (not the inside) of fingers near the first knuckle.

  The eyes: There are three techniques that are highly effective: a light finger whip, a thrusting/poking attack, or gouging your thumb into the tear duct because this can crush an eyeball or dislodge it. When to use this. If someone has your body pinned to the ground with their hands around your neck, our instinct is to try and remove their fingers. Instead, grab their face with both hands and dig your thumbs into their tear ducts, pushing the attacker’s face away from you in an upward direction while moving your thumbs in a downward motion until you stun them long enough to get away.

  Temples: This is the area just above the cheekbones and under the hairline. A hammer strike here can stun your attacker. To hammer strike, put your hand into a punching fist, then strike your target laterally with the inside of the fist. When to use this. If someone grabs you from the front, strike them in the temple. If they don’t let go, bend your knees and bring your weight toward the ground then hammer their kidneys. Continue striking to stun them and get away.

  Base of skull: Right where the back of the neck and head connect is a vulnerable area because the brainstem is located here. If an attacker is directly on top of you, hammer fist to this area. To hammer fist, put your hand into a punching fist, raise your hand above your head then bring your fist down directly on your target using all of your body weight. When to use this. If someone tries to lift you or body slam you, make a hammer fist with your loose hand then drive your full force to the base of their skull. This can also be used as a secondary move. For example, if you’re able to wind someone or attack their groin and they hunch over, hit the back of the skull to ensure you have more time to get away.

  The nose: The nose is an extremely fragile body part. Because the nose is so vulnerable, it can be attacked with punches, hammer fist, ridge hand (the side of your hand where your pinky is), palm heel (the inside of your wrist), elbows and head butts. When to use this. If someone grabs you from the front, flex your wrist back, open your hand and curl your fingers, exposing your palm heel. Drive the palm heel up under the attacker’s nose, causing extreme pain, swelling and the eyes to tear up. Continue to strike to the nose and groin to get away.

  The ears: Strikes to the ears, especially with an open palm, can stun the attacker by throwing off the ears’ inner equilibrium. This move is best used when followed up with a secondary attack to ensure you have ample time to flee. When to use this. If someone grabs you around the wrist, open your free hand and slap it over their ear. Or make a fist with your loose hand and strike the ear, followed with multiple strikes to the temple, face and groin to get away.

  The chin and jaw: In boxing there’s a reason opponents tuck in their chins: a strike to this area may result in an immediate knockout by rattling the brain against the skull. Punching someone square in the chin is often referred to as hitting their “off button” but be careful to avoid the mouth because hitting sharp teeth can damage your fists. When to use this. If someone grabs you from behind, bend your knees and turn your body toward them. At the same time, swing your elbow under their chin, using all the power from your legs. Continue to throw elbow strikes and hammer fist strikes to the jaw, neck and face to get away.

  The sides and back of the neck: To choke someone, the obvious move is to attack the windpipe by grabbing and squeezing, but this takes a fair amount of strength. Another form of strangulation can occur with the compression of the carotid arteries (on the sides of the neck) that supply oxygen to the brain. Grab the sides of their neck and push inward until your attacker loses consciousness. When to use this. You can attack the carotid arteries if you can pin your attacker. But, if someone grabs your neck from behind, raise your left arm, turning sharply toward them and driving your elbow down on their arm to break their hold. Next, make a fist and punch the side of the neck; add a knee strike to the groin to get away.

  Hair: When you have ahold of someone’s hair you have control of their head, so grab it, then follow up with a secondary strike to debilitate them. When to use this. If someone grabs you from the front with their arms around your waist and their face close to your chest, reach your hand up the back of their neck to the top of their hairline. Fingers spread wide open, clench the hair into a fist, pulling downward and exposing their neck. Create a fist with your loose hand, drive the fist upward into their nose or throat to get away.

  Clavicle: The clavicle or collarbone is a long bone between the shoulders and neck. It sticks out kind of like a handlebar, which you can use to your advantage in an attack by digging your nails into it and pulling down. When to use this. If someone is holding you up against them chest to chest, insert your fingers into the hollow between their neck and clavicle then use your entire body weight to yank down forcefully.

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  Even though we covered a lot, Crystal assured us there was much more to learn. She handed us information on a series of classes she taught at Foxy and Fierce all designed to get women apt at fighting back. As we left her studio, we air-practiced our favorite moves and walked toward the parking lot, until we noticed Maya was no longer with us. We turned and saw her just outside the front door with one hand covering her mouth and the other pressed firmly against her chest. In unison, we walked back to see what was wrong.

  “Do you guys not know who came in right after us?” she asked.

  We all exchanged blank stares. Sure, it had become apparent that Crystal was ready to wrap the class when a woman with short blond hair entered, but I didn’t recognize her, so I didn’t think much of it.

  “Are you kidding me?” Maya said and rotated her hand to her forehead. “Twilight, American Ultra, Snow White?”

  “Oh, shit, that was Kristen Stewart?” blurted out Stephanie.

  Maya fanned herself, as she usually did when she got flustered, and nodded fiercely. “You know when Ari asked us who our crushes are? Well, she is my ultimate crush. I can’t even deal right now!”

  “Go say hello to her, Maya, she’s in there alone,” I nudged.

  “No. I can’t.”

  “Why not? Just pretend you’re getting one of their business cards and then casually say what’s up; you don’t have to say or do anything else.”

  “I can’t,” she repeated.

  The group had joined in peer-pressuring her. She looked at me for an out, but I refused to let her disagreeableness or anxiety win this battle. “Fine, well, would you mind going in there and grabbing me a class list please? I forgot one and I definitely wanna come back.”

  Maya exhaled sharply. She stared at me, I stared back. Then, she spun around, marched back to the door and disappeared inside. After that, I never did see the fragile, mouse-like version of Maya again.

  We went back to my place for one final workshop, led by moi. As I mentioned earlier, through my research into pickup artistry, the absolute best thing I did was read the recommended texts. Reading these books gave me insight into how to improve my game, as well as the power to spot when ill-intentioned people were attempting to game me. Of the bunch, my two favs were, Methods of Persuasion by Nick Kolenda and Influence: Science and Practice by Robert Cialdini. The art of communication is often thought of as abstract, but these works taught me that it’s a lot more like a sculpture. You need to have a vision of what you want to make, but also, you need quality material and lots of patience to help you get there.

  If you use the power of influence in dating to encourage a genuine connection
with someone genuinely awesome, they can be an extremely helpful catalyst. On the flip side, if your goal is to manipulate people into entertaining your bullshit, it can also work too. So, before we dive into my favorite techniques, that I can honestly say landed me my dream husband, I’d like to leave a word of caution. Influence is a lot like a knife: it can be used to create something wonderful or destroy something vulnerable. For this reason, you need to always check in with your intentions before utilizing anything included below. I’ve also included warnings on how these same techniques could be used, irresponsibly. With this, you’ll now be able to spot fools, and see their slithering ass coming from miles away.

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  How to Win People Over and Keep ’Em Coming Back

  Demonstrate value. As soon as you interact with someone new, immediately look for opportunities to exemplify why they should keep you around.

  How to use this in dating: When you approach potential playmates (which I highly recommend that you do), demonstrating value justifies the introduction because it makes it clear that you are there to enhance their experience. You can accomplish this by teaching them something new, performing an act of service, giving a gift, boosting their confidence or by making them laugh.

  How corny people use this technique: Guilting. Can I buy you a drink, sweetheart? is now synonymous with, Can I awkwardly hang around you for thirty more minutes? When demonstrating value is done well, it is less obvious and does not have built-in expectations. The means must justify the end for all parties involved.

  Demonstrate vulnerability. While we are told to hide our weaknesses, there’s a lot to be said about the power of revealing them in a constructive way. 1) It gives people a clear lane to demonstrate how to add value to you. 2) People highly value authenticity and nothing demonstrates that better than vulnerability.

  How to use this in dating: In relevant conversation, reveal something that you are genuinely struggling with and ask your playmate for their advice. People love to give their opinion and they love to feel needed so indulge them and possibly get some worthwhile tips while you’re at it! The question “Hey, can I ask you about something that I’m having trouble with?” can be a great intimacy builder.

  How corny people use this technique: Sympathy mongering. Exaggerating, falsifying or playing into people’s sympathetic side in order to get them to feel bad enough to appease you will only result in brief, inauthentic connections. If someone needs a lot of emotional support but doesn’t make an attempt to reciprocate, they may be a sympathy mongerer.

  Favors. It may seem logical that doing someone a favor is a way to get them on your side, but psychologists find that having someone do you a favor is also an effective way to get someone to like you.

  How to use this in dating: Use this technique to strike up a conversation with a playmate by asking them to do something innocuous (hold your coat while you go to the bathroom, pass you a napkin, solve a riddle for you, etc.). Once they complete the task, look for a reciprocal way to repay the debt in order to solidify the connection.

  How corny people use this technique: Conning. People like to be viewed as consistent so once you get someone to say yes, it’s likely they will say yes again. Someone who is out to con will ask for a small favor, return the small favor then ask for the big favor they had in mind the whole time.

  Rapport building. In order to build rapport with someone you need shared history but how on earth do you do that with someone you just met? You find something you have in common as soon as possible and relate your experiences with theirs. Another effective tool of rapport building is to share a secret or an inside joke.

  How to use this in dating: As soon as you meet a playmate, try to find out what the two of you have in common then expand on that topic. Discovering similarities is an easy way to strike up banter, stamp out awkwardness and begin to make a genuine connection. I encourage people to create a nickname or inside joke as naturally but as quickly as possible because it creates unique, shared history.

  How corny people use this technique: Manipulating. Building rapport with someone is also a tool used to get people’s defenses down for an attack. Beware of people who try to point out similarities with you in forced or clearly inauthentic ways.

  Scarcity. There’s a reason why online stores will often tell you that there’s only X amount of a product left because the less available something is, the more we value it and the faster we will attempt to secure it.

  How to use this in dating: It’s not that you should play hard to get, it’s that as a thriving single person, you should be hard to get: you’ve got family, friends, hobbies, a career and passion projects. So honor your schedule. Don’t break plans with friends, cancel your spin class or skip a trip to visit your family to make a date. Make it clear that you aren’t available 24/7 because realistically, you’re not. Don’t worry, they won’t meet their soul mate and cancel you out because you couldn’t make lunch, and if they did? Good on them!

  How corny people use this technique: Love flooding. Love flooding is when someone showers you with attention and praise then suddenly takes it away. This can work because if you want someone to be addicted to you, nothing does the trick like inconsistent rewards. But it creates a toxic dynamic. In reality, if you want someone to see value in you, simply show up when they need you and be honest about what you need. The love flooder fails to understand this.

  The power of no. When I first graduated from college, like most, I said yes to everything. That’s why you saw me as an extra in the beginning of Mean Girls and why I moonlighted as a music critic even though I had zero business doing so. This is because I was desperate, and desperate people don’t think they can afford to say no, which is why if you can, you should. Saying no communicates that you have standards and most important, other options.

  How to use this in dating: Simply, if someone asks you to do something that you are not comfortable with—don’t. This applies tenfold to sex. There is nothing wrong with using sex as a way to feel good, but as a bargaining chip it’s fool’s gold. When it comes to the early stages of dating, you don’t need anything from that person so there’s no need to make major sacrifices to keep them around. Remind yourself of that. Often.

  How corny people use this technique: Bluffing. This is when someone says no to something they want, in hopes that you will fold and offer them more. In these circumstances, this power can be yielded by someone turning down a compromise in order to get you to consent to an uneven trade.

  Challenging. Of course, we all love compliments and positive affirmations, but that doesn’t mean the counterpart, challenging, doesn’t have power too. By nature, humans want to improve stuff (you can glance at your high-tech phone, that will be outdated by the time you finish reading this sentence, if you need proof); this also includes themselves.

  How to use this in dating: In order to influence someone to change a behavior you don’t like, you have to find a way not to awaken their defenses. This is why I subscribe to the kindness/compliment sandwich. Start with something positive, follow it up with criticism, then end with an affirmation. This makes the point and keeps things interesting without being offensive or negative.

  How corny people use this technique: Gaslighting. This is a malicious strategy designed to manipulate people by aggressively challenging their perceptions or behaviors, then following that up with positive affirmations to confuse them.

  Step into Your Expertise. This is a sentence I repeated over and over to the group, Deshawn especially. Stepping into your expertise means looking for spaces to demonstrate value by talking about and acting on what you know best.

  How to use this in dating: People respect authority so if there is a place to naturally make yourself an authoritative source, own it! Becoming the go-to person is an extremely strong tool that holds a lot of value because it helps people clearly identify what you bring to the table.

  How corny people use this technique: Belittling. When someone argues with you
not by attacking the merit of your opinion but your credentials, age or upbringing, they are trying to belittle you. True experts are always open to learn new things from unexpected sources. So don’t let this kind of cornball get to you.

  * * *

  The group left my apartment and lovingly tidied up before doing so. Courtney even took out my large bag of trash. In addition, they had recently taken to sending me funny memes or appreciative texts throughout the day.

  Had these women begun to turn their game on me?

  I started out with six shy, matte girls and now I knew a quintet of glossy women who were locked, loaded and ready to officially get their mingle on. Or at least I hoped they were because that—and a lil something extra—is precisely what I had planned for them next.

  Phase Four: Practice

  PART ONE

  Practice what you’ve learned thus far in low-risk environments with a group of friends. In addition, test out new hypotheses so you can add to your toolbox for making connections at will.

  10

  Scrambled Eggs and Blow Jobs

  I remember the 1995 cult classic Dangerous Minds as if I watched it yesterday (if you aren’t currently singing “Gangster’s Paradise” in your head, I’m not sure if we could be friends). A part that always stood out to me was the day Michelle Pfeiffer’s character took the class to a theme park to learn physics from riding roller coasters rather than reading textbooks. That is essentially what Phase Four is: learning in the real world without the stress of real-life risks.