The Game of Desire

by Shannon Boodram

  After all the acts were done, we hung around for a bit and chatted with other attendees. Rachel approached me and thanked me for coming. We talked about how funny she was, how great the event was and how inspiring it had been for Maya, who surprisingly, but perhaps not entirely surprisingly, had hopes of becoming a standup comic herself. Nothing came of that night aside from light flirting, and a new hint of light in Maya’s eyes. I didn’t know why back then, but I remember looking at her as she got out of my car and thinking, Something is definitely cooking behind those circular frames . . .

  After that, I couldn’t get ahold of her for a while. Which in truth had become common in our relationship. The first few times this happened, I assumed she was planning on quitting the group. But after getting to know her more intimately, I came to understand that these personal sabbaticals were exactly that: small breaks from the world necessary to preserve her personhood. A couple Saturdays later, she finally texted back and told me she’d call that evening. Two days later, she made good on her word.

  “Hey, I’m so happy to finally connect with you,” she said, and I truly believed her even though she had been dodging me. “I know I forgot to get in touch with you the other day, but I had a date and it lasted until two in the morning. It’s not an excuse, but it also wouldn’t have happened without this whole experience. I’m still shook.”

  “What number date was this?” I asked.

  “Two,” she said, and I could practically picture her round, smiling face as she said it. “This was our second date; specifically, this was my first second date in my entire life. It’s been going amazing; they are in an open relationship, which has been great for me because I feel no pressure at all.”

  I fired off a few follow-up questions: Where did they meet? OkCupid. What did they have in common? Politics and humor. What made this person special? They were securely attached and spoke her love language. Had she been nervous while getting intimate with them? At first, yes, but she worked through her feelings independently until she was able to relax and enjoy it. Did she truly enjoy it? Hell yes. Immensely.

  But then, because old habits die hard, I went ahead and made the same mistake I’d made when Maya and I first met: “Are they a man or a woman?”

  She paused, and I knew in that nanosecond I’d asked the wrong question. “They are trans masculine and they like the pronouns they and them.”

  I smacked my forehead and apologized. “It’s just as easy to ask as it is to assume. My bad.”

  Maya laughed. “It’s okay, when you make a mistake you have two choices: you can lose, or you can learn. I think you’re learning.”

  And of course, she was right. I too, had gone through an immense transformation because there is something magical that happens when you place yourself in a pressure cooker of change with others. With the stress, heat and discomfort of it all, you lose sight of why you went in to begin with and that confusion is necessary for a richer result. It’s best to throw everything you think you know about yourself out the window before committing yourself to change. You can’t make predictions on who you will become if you’ve never been that person before.

  To put the cherry on top of this final phase, the next day I got the most wonderful message from Stephanie:

  Yesterday, I saw the greatest manifestation of your work and investment in me. Like no joke I went on my second date with that guy of high interest (lol lingo) and not only that I felt really hot and good about the dynamic. Thank you for your support and for holding a mirror to my negative habits. Love you and your work more than ever today!

  A FEW MONTHS EARLIER STEPHANIE AND I WERE IN MY CAR AND I ASKED HER what celebrity pairing was her #couplegoals. She reflexively replied, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson.

  Which naturally begged the question, “Girl, really? Why?”

  Stephanie explained her dream was to also meet someone who proposed that quickly. To her, the highest expression of love was when a person knew they loved you practically before they met you. Of course, we all now know how the #Grandson love story ended, but null and void of that, I thought that was the most telling answer to Stephanie’s plight: she was in such a rush to get chosen that she was not just willing to, but dreaming of, forfeiting her right to choose.

  So imagine my surprise when I asked Stephanie for details and she replied, “I think this guy is into me for sure, but it’s a bit much. I’ve never dated such an eager or expressive person before, so that’s refreshing. But I think I want more time and to date around.”

  I pried a little more, about her second date with the first guy to give her butterflies and dirty thoughts. It turns out she informed him she had time on the weekend, but he wanted to see her sooner. She offered him the time slot after her Thursday spin class, thus making herself seem scarce. I was so proud to hear that she made him work around her plans instead of bending to accommodate anything that included him. This time around, she was definitely more comfortable keeping the ball in her court.

  After all that damn work, I finally caught my first glimpse of the woman I had been searching for since we began this journey—the one who understood that the goal wasn’t to be taken, it was to be taking more than what she was offered. To me, that was the real winning result in Stephanie’s Game of Desire. Not the man, not the make-out, not the chemistry or even his affection toward her—the prize was in her acknowledgment of her own power and infinite potential.

  I echoed this sentiment along with care instructions: “The most important thing at this crucial point in your life, Steph, is to surround yourself with people who see you for your highest potential and want to help nurture that! Now is your time for growth and personal discovery, and just like a plant, you can’t do that alone; you need sun, water and healthy soil. This dude, or anyone you give your time to, better be one of the three.”

  Assignment complete. Except, it’s worth noting that Stephanie was not at her “after” point; instead she was just beginning to distance herself from the “before.” Trust is a result of consistency over time. In plain words, you gotta do a lotta good before someone can give you a lil benefit of the doubt. This formula also holds true for our most important relationship of all, the one we share with self. And that was Stephanie’s next great assignment: rebuild that bridge between who she wanted to be and who she’d settled into becoming.

  I was happy but also nervous about this new guy being in the picture at this crucial time. If he was loving and honest, he could accelerate this next phase for her, but if he was brutish, he could obliterate much of her progress. But I supposed this is where I had to start trusting that Stephanie had the skills, knowledge and confidence to watch her own back; she didn’t need me there anymore.

  “Knowledge is power and power is the luxury of doing things your way. I hope you find what your is way, Steph, but more than that, I hope you have a blast looking.”

  SO THERE YOU HAVE IT: SIX WOMEN WHO CAME INTO THIS PROGRAM ACHING with rejection and disappointment that all left with very different, but also all very powerful, outcomes:

  Cherise showed that there is no one-size-fits-all solution here. Her story also exemplifies the power of manifestation: if you go into anything, be that a program or a relationship, believing to the point of knowing that it won’t work, you’re going to be right 90 percent of the time. So who’s to say the exact opposite can’t be true too? Faith is free and if you’re gonna choose to do something, you might as well choose to believe in it or else what’s the point in trying? A question that Cherise both began and ended with.

  Maya showed that you can prove yourself wrong if you give yourself a chance to do something unexpectedly right. When I really thought about her journey, I realized she had the most dramatic but least obvious change. In other words, Maya got bangs. All she truly needed this entire time was a simple snip across the forehead that allowed her to see her natural beauty clearly and her hard-earned capabilities fully. She came into this workshop as a smart, self-aware, witty, sexy, anxious an
d terrified young woman in a scrunchie. She left a smart, self-aware, witty, sexy, anxious and confident woman with bangs. Moral of the story is, sometimes, yes, you need to reinvent the wheel to make it work for you. But other times, you just gotta remove the rock you wedged in front of it.

  Stephanie showed that there is no such thing as a lost cause. There is no un-pretty sister, undecorated Ivy League graduate or unfit community member. You are not destined to make the wrong choices and to never be chosen—that reality has never existed, but you do. And who are you? You are a one-of-a-kind creator with infinite possibilities during your finite time on this planet. You, my dear, are whoever you consistently decide to be. And I know this sounds like some hokey shit, but despite not knowing you personally the way I know Steph, I absolutely know that you are an exceptional creator for one simple reason: someone created the English language I am typing in; a single person out there designed every item of clothing you’re wearing; the place you call home, someone constructed; the job you rush to, someone founded; and even the sauce you put on your french fries—another human being no different, no greater, no more capable or awesome than you Made. That. Shit. Up. So, if you’re not currently happy with what you have, what’s stopping you from making your own shit up?

  Deshawn showed that you don’t have to naturally have what it takes. You just have to be willing to learn the habits that can take you where you want to go. She came into this program looking, sounding and believing very different things about herself than when she left. It had been months since I heard her proclaim her awkwardness, aloofness or tendencies to anxiously chatter—and she was much better for it. While I’d like to take credit for the shedding of her old skin, in truth her outcome is the fruit of a decision she made long before we met: “My lips are beautiful, my nose is cute, my job is cool, I give great blow jobs and it’s time that I helped people to recognize all this greatness as well!”

  Courtney showed that hard work pays off. Fuck yes. I’m elated her story went well, not just for her sake but for ours. We live in a world that advertises that the best, brightest and most capable people don’t always win (*coughs* Trump). But from the ashes, once in a while we get a story like Courtney’s. A woman who came, who saw, who mimicked, who studied, who tried, who lost, who got back up, who triumphed and still kept her arms outstretched with her palms facing up, excited, but most important, well prepared, for whatever was to come next.

  Pricilla showed that you make your own luck, even when you feel like you have no resources or favor to gamble with. Regardless of how life has let you down, you can’t let it keep you there. And if you are there, remember, you aren’t down because you can’t do any better, you’re there because you’ve allowed critical voices to speak louder than your true purpose. Dig deeper and fight because only you know the awesome things you’re capable of manifesting. It’s your time to run towards—not hide from—your unclaimed greatness. And I get it: change isn’t easy, but being stagnant hasn’t been all that simple either, has it? So, how much harder can it be to act on the chance that you do have what it takes to be with who you want—and to be who you want?

  Epilogue

  This Sh*t Works!

  It’s been three months since the group had their final assignment, but the work has far from stopped. We still keep in touch and swap books, videos and memes that help us to continue to sharpen our skills as expert connectors. While many of the women initially had an aversion to the idea of more homework, after seeing the ripple effect of their new capabilities in multiple areas of their lives, their passion for mastery took over just as mine did when I first started years ago.

  As mentioned in the intro, if you too choose to devote yourself to this craft, the work will never see its final days. Even after you’ve wooed an ideal high-interest playmate and moved on to mastering the skills of maintaining the fire you’ve built, once in a while you’ll have to come back to these foundation-building principles. And when you do, I promise you’ll always be repaid for the time you put in. To this day, I’m still learning things about the Game of Desire that blow me away. For example, I just read that the most effective way to communicate to someone that you understand them is to put yourself imaginatively, in their shoes. If someone is telling you a tragic or exciting story, picture yourself in their exact position as they’re speaking. This will alter your facial expressions and communicate that you truly empathize and relate to their experience, which as we learned in Chapter Six can be the difference between an inconsequential and a life-long bond. If you want to see this tip in mind-blowing action, watch an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show or analyze Jada Pinkett Smith in action as she interviews guests on Red Table Talk—their mannerisms in themselves are a master class.

  In my first book, Laid, I wrote, “In school, we spent several units learning about dinosaurs and only two classes learning about sex. Well, since that time, I’ve never encountered a single T-Rex, but I have been confronted by plenty of dicks.” In the same vein, I’ve never found a practical use for knowing how to sing “O, Canada!” in French, but everything I’ve ever learned about the psychology of attraction has made my life and relationships richer. I also happen to know that the group who completed my five-phase program would say the same.

  Courtney and River are still going strong. So strong that she’s requested a job transfer to Dallas. It actually hurts a little to type that because we have grown so close, but as she said, “I’ve always known L.A. wasn’t my home, but I was determined not to leave without one dream come true. You gave me that, Shan, so thank you.”

  But if you’re impressed with her blooming love life, you’ll be thrilled to hear about her explosive self-love. In the past months Courtney has taken herself on numerous vacations, redecorated her place, made peace with past abusers and embraced her natural hair in the process. Best of all, in dedication to the joy she has found in her transformation, she has begun to work on a series of online workshops called “Home Court Advantage” that will help other women who were once bullied to find their strength, and use it.

  Deshawn and London Alex still talk daily—crazy, I know! Also, after months of being unhappy at her job under the leadership of an antagonistic boss, she found the courage to stand up for herself and file a formal complaint. That act of self-love led to a powerful ally, a job transfer, a promotion and her being able to live her best life by continuing to doing what she loves for a living. We thank Deshawn with all our hearts for tackling the water crisis in California one noble day at a time, but me personally? I’m insanely grateful that she now owns up to that greatness.

  Every time I speak to her now, I have to double-check the caller ID to make sure it’s the right person. Her voice is different, her look is different and her energy is totally transformed. With her newfound confidence, she formally began STEMming Upward, a tutoring company specifically designed to help young women of color excel in STEM and social skills, as she has.

  Maya still calls me two days after she says she will, but she always has an exceptional excuse. Sometimes she’s busy spending time with her cool-ass family, others times she’s in Palm Springs with friends, often she’s in the throes of writing and occasionally she’s been up way past bedtime getting freaky with a fling. Now who could possibly take issue with that?

  The bond she and I have grown to share is special and, in many ways, very different from what I have with the rest of the group. I’m proud of that, but moreover, I’m proud that those closest to her have seen a change in her too. Maya told me that on one of her friend trips to Palm Springs the person who told her to sign up for this program to begin with, pulled her aside and said, “I’ve seen you change in every possible way since you started working with that group and all of it has been positive.”

  In line with that positive change, Maya is currently in a four-month intensive writing class and as a result, now feels confident in referring to herself as a comedic writer. In the beginning Maya came to me desperate to build a life that was n
o longer centered around her chronic anxiety, and I think we would both agree, she has successfully accomplished that. She still has her moments but in situations when she is overcome, she privately acknowledges her feelings, takes a step back and then when she’s ready, moves forward with renewed confidence and certainty.

  Pricilla is just incredible. Like Deshawn, she had troubles with her boss at her job. This served as a great source of bonding for them and from which sprang one of the many accidental miracles of this project, because they leaned on one another. She too put in a formal complaint but when nothing was done about it, she began to look elsewhere and landed on a job that paid better and gave her greater responsibility. She is now the face and personality of her workplace, managing the company’s content for social media and heading up all consultations. Given how hard Pricilla once fought me to be left in the background, I was elated that this new job also saw what a crazy waste of greatness that would be.

  In addition, within a couple of months of this new role she began to realize she could practically run the business, so she decided to start her own! She found a couple of investors and opened up a scalp micropigmentation salon called Camouflage. Currently, she is decorating and marketing in preparation for a launch this year. She also kept her job, which she still loves, but Pricilla realized through this process that she’s ready to make the transition to being a boss. Which leads us to her love life.

  No longer content with just being an employee, she got rid of anyone around her that she felt didn’t see her as a leading lady. So, she no longer sees Matt romantically, although they do still keep in touch. She is, however, becoming increasingly involved with that multiplatinum artist who she says has a heart of gold and treats hers like it’s made of glass.