Private Parts

by Howard Stern

  STUTTERING JOHN: Because you sweat so much, how many gallons of water do you have to drink? MAYOR DINKINS: About seven or eight. STUTTERING JOHN: Are there any mayoral groupies? AAAYOR DINKINS: Sure, bunches of them. That's how I got elected. STUTTERING JOHN: Do you sleep on a sponge? MAYOR DINKINS: No. Do you recommend it? STUTTERING JOHN: How many shirts do you sweat up in a day? MAYOR DINKINS: About fourteen or fifteen. STUTTERING JOHN: Do you sweat in the shower? MAYOR DINKINS: It's hard to tell because water is pouring on me.

  I'm not a supporter of David Dinkins, but even I felt the interview had been a bit over the line. It was disrespectful.

  The mayor was so gracious that I felt guilty. I was also afraid he'd send the police chief after me. I immediately started yelling at John for asking such rude and ridiculous questions. I was outraged! John was perplexed. "But you told me to ask those questions," he cried.

  "I know, but it doesn't matter," I said. I knew that there was only one thing to do: call the mayor's office and blame it on someone else. I got through to the mayor's press office and put them on the air:

  "I want to inform you of a hoax that may have been played," I said. "There was a gentleman who represented himself as a reporter from the 'Howard Stern Show' and he interviewed the mayor. It was not the 'Howard Stern Show.' It was another radio station that did it. We did not ask the questions about sweating and sleeping on a sponge, and while some people might find that humorous, I do not.

  I think the mayor works pretty hard and just because he sweats a lot people shouldn't be making fun of that. I think the mayor can be asked fun questions, but those questions were just a little rough and presented the mayor in a bad light. I had nothing to do with it and neither did Stuttering John. It was either the Len Berman show on WFAN or possibly Scott Shannon or someone like that. I'm sure he's upset about it."

  "I don't know if the mayor is upset about it," his spokesman said. "The mayor is under a lot of pressure and he gets a lot of attention and sometimes you'll catch the mayor wiping his brow. I think that's an illustration of how hard he works."

  "By the way, do you carry the towels he uses?" I said.

  But for me, the classic Stuttering John interview will always be the one he did with Imelda Marcos. She was totally unflappable and silent as John squeezed out a few quick ones:

  Does it bother you when people speak to you on the bowl? Do you think ugly people should be allowed to have children?

  Imelda was probably wishing she had one of those millions of shoes right then to hit John over the head with, but she remained calm. Until she got stuck in front of a revolving door and John had her trapped.

  "She looked like a cornered chicken. It was just me and her. So I went for it."

  Imelda, if you pass gas at home in front of others, do you blame the family dog?

  Imelda's face reflected a mosaic of revulsion, fear, anger, betrayal, but mostly nausea. Her eyes pleaded for a way out. After what seemed like years, someone grabbed her arm and ushered her inside. Then all we saw was John's face. A look of unmitigated, unabashed, sheer ecstasy was splashed across his face. He was happy. He was calm. He was STUTTERING JOHN, HERO OF THE STUPID, now and forever.

  STUTTERING JOHN'S

  GREATEST HIT AND WISH LIST

  JIM ABBOTT

  (one-handed star pitcher. New York

  Yankees)

  Can you shuffle a deck of cards?

  WARREN BEATTY

  Did you forget to pull out with Annette

  Bening?

  TRACY CHAPMAN

  Are you still in show business?

  CHEVY CHASE

  Do you read the scripts of the movies you choose to make, or do you

  go. "Eenie mennie minie moe?"

  CONNIE CHUNG

  Whose fault is it that you can't get pregnant?

  DICK CLARK

  Did you ever consider making love to the teenage girls on"[American]

  Bandstand"?

  JIMMY CONNORS

  Don't you think Steffi Graf has great legs and a collie's face?

  CINDY CRAWFORD

  Does your gynecologist send you love letters?

  SHARON STONE

  Any movies with crotch shots coming up?

  GEENA DAVIS

  Were you Thelma or Louise?

  PHIL DONAHUE

  Did you ever use your glasses to burn ants by pointing them at the sun?

  RICHARD DREYFUSS

  Do you have gray pubic hair?

  GRIFFIN DUNNE

  Who are you?

  BOB DYLAN

  How does it feel to be on your own, like complete unknown, like a rolling stone?

  FRANK GIFFORD

  Does your son ever accidentally call you "grandpa"?

  ARSENIO HALL

  Are you mad at your dentist?

  LEONA HELMSLEY

  Where's the craziest place you and your husband have made love?

  MICHAEL JACKSON

  Did you learn how to walk backwards to avoid

  your father's punches?

  BILLY JOEL

  When you look at your wife, Christie Brinkley, do you thank your mother for making you take piano lessons?

  LARRY KING

  Isn't it a disgrace how many times Liz Taylor's been married?

  RUSH LIMBAUGH

  Are you called Rush because you're in a rush to eat?

  LIZA MINNELLI

  What good is sitting alone in your room?

  EDDIE MURPHY

  Now that you've conquered comedy, acting, and music, will you become a brain surgeon?

  MARTINA NAVRATILOVA

  Do you hate bananas?

  PAUL NEWMAN

  Does driving a car really fast give you an erection?

  OLIVER NORTH

  Did you ever have a nightmare where your penis got caught in a paper shredder?

  SINÉAD O'CONNOR

  Will you order Howard Stern's Butt Bongo Fiesta?

  LUCIANO PAVAROTTI

  Ever fart while belting out a high note?

  REGIS PHILBIN

  Don't you wish Kathie Lee would sink on one of those Carnival boats?

  PAT RILEY

  Who is the biggest Knick-genitally?

  LIZ TAYLOR

  Was selling perfume one of your career goals?

  LEONARD NIMOY

  Is your penis pointed like your ears?

  ROBERT REDFORD

  How did you keep a straight face when you were looking at Barbra Streisand's nose?

  GERALDO RIVERA

  Are you recognized at cockfights?

  CHARLIE ROSE

  Who's failed more on TV, you or Dick Cavett?

  SLY STALLONE

  Do you think that headband on your mother's head was placed

  there by space aliens?

  BARBRA STREISAND

  Are people who need people really the luckiest people in the world?

  DR.RUTH WESTHEIMER

  Is it possible to be in love with a girl and her dog at the same time?

  MONTEL WILLIAMS

  Didn't you steal my car?

  BRUCE WILLIS

  What is disappearing quicker, the ozone or your hair?

  LIZ SMITH

  First off, I would just like to apologize for the fat

  remarks I made the last time I interviewed you. I

  realize how insensitive I was and how bad I felt when

  I saw you embarrassed on national TV. Obesity is not

  something to make fun of, and through my recent

  spiritual uplifting I am trying to right my wrongs. So tell me... how

  many cows did it take to make your leather jacket?

  Hate Mail Artwork

 

  Cartoons

  Stop Howard Stern Chapter 18

  Ten Reasons Howard Stern Must Be Stopped!

  These are Ac tual Quotations from his Radio Show

  1 . Commenting on the William Kennedy Smith trial: "any mention of how big Willie's pe
nis is..."

  2. Commenting on Magic Johnson: "He can't even bang his wife. How can he bang his wife? Here's a guy that was bangin' every day and now he can't bang anybody"

  3. Commenting on radio personality Garrison Keillor: "Hey Garrison Keillor, F**K YOU."

  4. "I've seen guys light their penis on fire to get on TV"

  5. "Imagine what people are doin' in their cars right now while they're listening...guys masturbating."

  6. Speaking to a member of TVs "Knots Landing" cast: "Do you ever bang a guy during love scenes...like does the guy ever get aroused, cause I know there'd be no room on the screen for my boner."

  7 . Speaking about his wife: "Sometimes you bitches are so hard to live with."

  8. Commenting on President Bush: "Who couldn't kick Iraq's ass. I could kick their ass and I'm a big pussy How about his son Neil Bush and his daughter Fur Bush. To hell with all of you. F"KYOU."

  9. Speaking to Geraldo Rivera: "The closest I came to making love to a black woman was I masturbated to a picture of Aunt Jemima on a pancake box."

  10. Speaking to a female guest: "You're very lovely I'd love to see you nude."

  Hundreds of thousands of children are listening to this filth. Help me force him off the air.

  Send your petition today!

 

  Literature from Americans for Responsible Television

  DO NOT DETACH

  Membership Reply Form

  Dear Terry,

  You're right! I don't want Howard Stern to bring his filth to my community on our public airwaves. I've enclosed my Petition to the F.C.C. And to help end the exploitation, smut and violence on radio and television today, I'm continuing my support of A.R.T. with my maximum contribution of:

  [ ] $10.00 [ ] $15.00 [ ] $20.00 [ ] OTHER $_

  Please make your check payable to: A.R.T. (Americans for Responsible Television).

  Contributions or gifts to Americans for Responsible Television are not tax-deductible. This is because the law does not permit a deduction for contributions to any organization which substantially engages in lobbying activities.

  TO: FROM:

  Terry Rakoka, Director

  Americans for

  Left Page: Why are they raising money to force me off the air? Send the money directly to me, and if it's enough I'll leave voluntarily.

  So, my radio dreams came true. The moron who started out doing X-rated marionette shows is now the number one king of radio in New York, Los Angeles, and Philadelphia, simultaneously -- a feat never before accomplished in the annals of radio history.

  Of course, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to the jerks at WNBC who fired me. At K-Rock, where I landed, I got my wish to do mornings and to go head to head against Imus. It didn't take long before I destroyed Imus and General Electric was forced to sell off the whole radio station! When I was there the station was valued at fifty million. After I left, they sold it for twenty million. I cost them thirty fucking million dollars! That means I'm worth thirty million dollars! Why can't I get anyone to pay me thirty million dollars? Life is very unfair. No one cares about me.

  So here I am at the top of the heap, and some heap it is -- a heap of shit. When you're in an industry with Cousin Brucie, Zookeepers, and Rush Limbaugh, what would you call your heap? I know I'm too talented for radio. God is punishing me. I must have been a serial killer in a previous life.

  Unfortunately, my triumph as numero uno radio personality has been ruined by the actions of a bunch of sexually repressed lunatics who, in the name of "decency," are trying to destroy the most fundamental human right Americans enjoy: the right to begin your mornings listening to the "Howard Stern Show."

  Throughout my career, I have been dogged by prudes who probably want me to butt bongo them, but instead they spend their day running to the Federal Communications Commission to monitor my every erotic move.

  I think my shit little show actually turns them on and they don't know what to do about all the sexual energy they feel. So instead of masturbating and having a good time, which any normal person would do, they fucking write letters:

  Dear Sirs:

  Between 6:45 and 7:00 A.M. on August 1 2, radio station WWDC-FM in Washington, D.C., released a transmission in which the on-air personality named Howard Stern encouraged a female caller to take nude pictures of herself and send them to him. ... As I write this mildly vitriolic

  missive I hear the same Stern singing doggerel about passing gas and large-breasted Cubans. ... I can't passively accept the fact that the license to broadcast includes the right to solicit nude photos. I can't even make the distinction between that and Dan Rather asking for a blowjob on the late news.

  Dear Sirs:

  Fartman was bad enough, but this morning at 7:10 A.M. on my way home from an early-morning swim practice with a sixth-grader and two seventh-graders in my car, I was treated to the moans and groans of Mr. Ed (a horse) having intercourse with his owner's wife. . . . This program has no redeeming social value.

  Dear Congressman:

  ... I am usually in my car with my children when the "Howard Stern Show" comes on the air. It doesn't take very long for him to start talking about sex, and as a practice, I turn him off. On one occasion, however, my children were not with me and I left the show on just to see how bad it would get. Until that time I never realized that hard-core radio pornography actually existed. Howard Stern was arranging a blind date for a black woman named Brenda, who was in his studio, and a man who telephoned, named Lars. When I tuned in, Howard was discussing the physical attributes of Brenda. He said she had white features and one of her ancestors must have been had by a white slave master. He also said that he figured her to be a D cup. Then Howard asked Lars if he makes love to little boys. That was the finish for me. Howard Stern's sense of humor is more than warped, it is sick. To mention men making love to little boys, in fun, makes that type of behavior more acceptable. . . . Something must be done!

  Dear Mr. Bon Garten

  WNBC General Manager:

  Mr. Howard Stern, an announcer I was not familiar with before this day, was on the air on the afternoon of March 1 between the hours of 3:00 P.M. and 5:00 P.M. He and his female sidekick carried on a conversation in which they discussed at great length the new sponge contraceptive that had just reached the New York market. Mr. Stern was quite graphic in describing the possibilities of using a Handi-wipe "stuffed up there" instead of a contraceptive, saying it was a "quicker picker upper." In addition, Mr. Stern and sidekick had a conversation with a young girl

  who had called into the studio concerning her boyfriend's ability to "keep it up" from ten to thirty minutes.

  All this was on air, Mr. Bon Garten, while I was riding in a cab from Kennedy airport to my office in Manhattan. I was being driven by a man who was clearly not balanced. We were locked in bumper-to-bumper traffic for two hours during which time he harassed me continuously and threatened to kill me. It was a medallion cab with no partition between front and back and the locks on the doors were controlled by the driver. Believe me, it is difficult to re-create the terror I felt being locked up with a man who was big, mean, and seemingly ready to hurt someone -- and I was the one who was there.

  Please add to this situation, already chilling, the presence on the radio of your Mr. Stern and the conversation outlined above. My driver was physically aroused by this conversation. He was moaning and giggling and turning to look at me face-to-face every few minutes. In addition, he adjusted his rear-view mirror so that I was in full view all the time. Two hours is a long time, Mr. Bon Garten, to be in this situation and to try to stay calm.

  I strongly believe you should be aware of this man being part of the audience that Mr. Stern is reaching. The contents of his conversation aided and abetted a terrifying situation controlled by an unpredictable person. I believe this occurrence shows rather tragically the heavy responsibility that the media carries and must constantly reassess. I have reported this incident to the police and to the Tax
i and Limousine Commission. I am also sending a copy of this letter to the FCC.

  "I don't have any doubt that the coarsening of the minds of young children by listening to this kind of stuff can have a very serious consequence on children." -- John Silber, president, Boston University, who has recently been questioned on his ethics

  Now you know why I'm the most dangerous man in America. Because somewhere out there some man is rubbing his penis while driving a cab and I'M to blame! I'M the troublemaker! I'M responsible for these lunatics and their wacked behavior! What kind of a shithead writes a letter like this? I don't want to live in the same country as a woman like this.

  But the letters go on.

  Dear Senator Bradley:

  I refer specifically to a radio broadcast I heard on WNBC-AM. The person hosting the show was named Howard Stern. He started to discuss

  the size of his penis and of the others who were in the restroom with him; whereupon he challenged the men in the control room at the station to drop their pants to see who had the largest penis. He even chided one man concerning the size of his penis and suggested that the reason his wife didn't wait up for him at night was because it was too small!

  Mr. Bradley, I'm so sorry to have had to type the above, believe me, I never thought those statements would come out of my typewriter, but there is just no other way to report it.

  The FCC is aware of this situation, but has not lifted a finger to stop it. What is their function? Are they not there to protect us from such a cancer as this man?

  The answer to that question, at least until 1987, was no.

  And then the shit hit the fan. And old Howie started racking up fines the way Charles Barkley does points. It used to be that as long as I didn't say the famous "seven dirty words," I was cool. Here they are: SHIT, PISS, CUNT, FUCK, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, and TITS. Anybody pass out? Anybody never hear these before?

  I heard them all by the fifth grade. Then the rules changed. The new rule is: Don't say anything that is "patently indecent" or offensive

  to your community. What does that mean? No one knows what it means. But I do know that I live and work in a community where priests rape young boys, where pit bulls chew through kids' heads, where you get shot in your car, where an angry black mob stabbed a Hasidic Jew and the mayor turned his back, where crack runs free like the River Ganges, and where movie directors fuck their wives' daughters. Now you tell me what I should talk about on the radio!! Somehow saying the word testicles pales in comparison.