In the Bathroom

by J. C. Greenburg

  They looked up at Harley’s head, high as a cloud above them.

  Andrew leaned back against the Umbubble, which was rocking gently on the waves.

  “You know,” he said, “I think I have some waterproof matches in one of my pockets somewhere.” Andrew patted his shirt.

  Judy rolled her eyes. “Andrew, you’ve probably got a kitchen stove in your pockets somewhere!”

  Andrew smiled as he poked his hands into his pockets. “Hot air rises,” he said. “If we could heat the air in the Umbubble, maybe we could get the Umbubble to rise up to Harley’s ear!”

  “Noop! Noop! Noop!” said Thudd. “No fire inside! Fire eat up oxygen in air! Drewd and Oody not breathe!”

  Judy sat up straight and stared through the Umbubble. “Look!” she said, pointing at the bottom of the sponge. “There’s that ant again!”

  They watched it creep along the sponge.

  “What if the ant walks across the water to get us?” asked Judy. “Remember those water bugs we saw in the stream behind Uncle Al’s house?”

  Andrew nodded. “Water bugs were scampering around on the water like it was a sheet of plastic,” he said.

  meep … “Water molecules hug tight, tight, tight!” said Thudd. “Top of water like thin, thin skin. Small thing can walk on water skin. Look!”

  Judy gave a little shiver. “Start paddling, Andrew!” she said. “That ant could walk over here any second!”

  “Noop!” said Thudd. “Cuz soap break water skin. Bug sink!”

  Suddenly Thudd’s big purple button started to blink.

  GLOORP!

  meep … “Uncle Al!” said Thudd.

  “Finally!” said Judy. “Uncle Al will know what to do!”

  Thudd’s purple button popped open and a beam of purple light flashed out.

  A see-through, slightly purple Uncle Al floated outside of the Umbubble at the end of the beam. Uncle Al’s shaggy hair made him look as if he had just pulled a shirt over his head. The shirt he was wearing had a picture of a tarantula spider on it. Andrew and Judy had given it to him for his birthday.

  Uncle Al’s face crinkled into a smile. “Hey there!” he said.

  “Uncle Al, thank goodness you’re here,” said Judy. “You see, we’ve got this little problem—”

  “I’m away from my laboratory at the moment,” continued the slightly purple Uncle Al.

  “Huh?” said Andrew.

  “Oh no!” said Judy. “It’s not Uncle Al, it’s some kind of answering machine!”

  “Your message has reached my Hologram Helper,” said Uncle Al. “If you’re calling to have a friendly chat, please press one. If you have discovered life on another planet, please press two. If you want to complain about smells coming from my laboratory, please press three. If this is a purple-button emergency, I will contact you in person as soon as possible.”

  Uncle Al waved. “Good-bye! Have fun! Think big!”

  The Uncle Al hologram faded and disappeared.

  Judy kicked her foot against the Umbubble.

  Boing!

  “Great!” she said. “Where’s Uncle Al?”

  “Don’t kick the Umbubble, Judy,” said Andrew. “Uncle Al got our signal. He’ll call us back.” But Andrew’s voice was softer than usual.

  “Ahwoooo!” howled Harley high above them.

  “I’m going to wash that dirty doggie face whether you like it or not!” said Mrs. Scuttle gruffly.

  A black shape dived toward the Um-bubble. It was Harley’s nose!

  “Cheese Louise!” cried Judy. “Not again! I refuse to drown in dog snot twice in one day!”

  The nose swooped so low they could look into the midnight darkness of Harley’s nostrils! Just two hours ago, they had been inside them! Then the nose lurched away.

  They heard Harley’s paws scratching at the front of the tub, and then a strange sound.

  gloorp …

  “What was that?” Judy asked.

  The Umbubble started moving in a circle

  gloorp … gloorp …

  “Bad dog!” boomed Mrs. Scuttle. “You pulled the plug!”

  “Oh no!” Judy moaned. “Harley opened the drain!”

  The Umbubble was picking up speed! The water was carrying the Umbubble toward the drain!

  gloorp! … gloorp! …

  Andrew stuck his legs back through the Umbubble and started kicking as hard as he could. But the current was too strong!

  gloorp …gloorp … GLOORP!

  The front of the bathtub was getting closer. They were about to get sucked down the drain!

  A DISTANT RELATIVE

  Sploooosh!

  Mrs. Scuttle’s hand plunged into the suds in front of the Umbubble.

  “Now, where is that plug?” they heard her mumble.

  GLOORP!

  “Maybe Mrs. Scuttle will get the plug back in,” said Andrew nervously.

  Judy looked around the tub. Sponge Island was beside them. It was moving toward the drain, too. “Paddle us to the sponge, Andrew!” she said.

  “What about the ant?” Andrew asked.

  “Either we get ourselves onto that sponge or we go down the drain!” Judy said. “Here, I’ll help.”

  She pushed her legs through the Um-bubble and started kicking.

  But the current held the Umbubble like a train on a track. They couldn’t get to the sponge! The drain was getting closer and closer.

  Ahwooooo!

  Water splashed and soap bubbles popped as Harley bounded out of the tub. The Umbubble bounced and spun in the rough water.

  “You come back here, mister!” screamed Mrs. Scuttle. She rushed after Harley—and left the drain open!

  Out of the corner of his eye, Andrew caught a glimpse of something big coming up behind the sponge. It looked like a smooth white iceberg!

  “Holy moly!” said Andrew. “Look at that!”

  meep … “Bar of soap!” said Thudd.

  “It’s as big as the Titanic !” said Judy.

  The soap bashed into the sponge. The sponge smashed into the Umbubble!

  Thump!

  “Oof!” hollered Andrew and Judy as they slammed back against the wall of the Umbubble.

  The next thing they knew, Andrew and Judy were looking into the yawning mouth of a huge, spooky cave. The Umbubble was stuck to the bottom of the sponge!

  Almost all the water had drained out of the bathtub, but the sponge was still sliding slowly toward the front.

  Suddenly Thudd’s purple button started blinking. The button popped open. Out came the purple beam. Outside the Umbubble, at the edge of the sponge cave, a purple, transparent Uncle Al was waving at them.

  “Unkie!” said Thudd.

  “Uncle Al, is it really you?” Andrew asked.

  “It had better be,” said Judy.

  Uncle Al laughed. “That sounds like Judy. And is that Thudd and Andrew, too?”

  Andrew and Judy looked at each other, confused.

  “It’s us, Uncle Al,” said Andrew. “Can’t you see us?”

  “Oh! I guess I should explain!” said Uncle Al. “I can hear you but I can’t see you. Not with this model of the Hologram Helper. I’m still working on it. Are you okay? What’s the purple-button emergency?”

  “Well,” said Andrew. “The first thing is, we’re really small—”

  “Of course you’re small!” said Uncle Al. “You’re only ten years old! You’ll grow! I don’t think that’s a purple-button emergency Andrew.”

  Judy rolled her eyes. “Uncle Al, we’re smaller than flyspecks! We’ve been up a dog’s nose! We got dragged off by a flea! We’ve been attacked by eyelash mites! Now we’re inside this rubbery Umbubble thing and stuck under a sponge that’s sliding toward the drain in Mrs. Scuttle’s bathtub!”

  Uncle Al’s eyebrows went up. “Ah! Well, that’s a different story!”

  Judy went on. “We’ve got to get back to the Atom Sucker. That’s the gizmo Andrew invented that shrunk us. It’s in my backyard.”<
br />
  “And we’ve got to get back by 8:01 tonight,” Andrew added.

  “What happens at 8:01?” asked Uncle Al.

  “The Atom Sucker might kind of… blow up,” said Andrew.

  “And we’ll be stuck like this forever!” said Judy.

  “Humpty Dumpty on a Ritz cracker!” exclaimed Uncle Al. “This is a purple-button emergency.”

  Suddenly the left half of Uncle Al disappeared.

  “I hope this doesn’t mean you’re leaving, Uncle Al,” said Judy.

  “What do you mean?” asked Uncle Al.

  “Half of you isn’t there!” said Judy.

  Uncle Al’s voice sounded far away. “There must be a problem with Thudd’s antennas. I may not be able to stay long.”

  The right half of Uncle Al started to fade.

  “Come back!” said Andrew. “I’ve got to tell you about Thudd!”

  But Uncle Al turned as clear as a raindrop and disappeared completely.

  SLIME CITY

  “Great!” said Judy. “Now what do we do?”

  All the water was out of the tub. But the sponge was still shoving the Umbubble slowly through a slush of dirty gray soap scum and dog hair.

  Outside the tub, Harley was howling.

  “You get your tail over here!” Mrs. Scuttle hollered. “I’m not finished with you yet!”

  Suddenly the Umbubble came to a jolting stop.

  “The sponge must have hit the front of the tub,” said Judy.

  “Uh-oh,” said Andrew. They were hanging over an enormous dark hole. It looked as if it went down forever. “We’re hanging over the drain!” he said.

  Thudd crept down to Andrew’s knee to get a look.

  Sticking to the sides of the drain were all the things that get washed away in bathtubs— eyelashes and nose hairs and nose goo and pieces of toenails and skin flakes and old scabs and all kinds of dirt. And all of that was covered with a thick coat of oozy slime.

  “Euuw!” said Judy. She yanked her legs inside the Umbubble.

  “Slime gravy!” said Andrew. He yanked his legs in, too. “Everything is grosser when it’s slimy!”

  meep … “Slime alive!” said Thudd. “Look at—”

  Just then Thudd’s purple button started blinking again. It snapped open and beamed out the Uncle Al hologram. This time, Uncle Al was inside the drain!

  Judy chuckled. “Uncle Al, do you know you’re up to your belt buckle in slime?”

  “Good golly, Miss Molly!” said Uncle Al. “I wish I could see it! Slime is amazing stuff! It’s made by bacteria, which some people call germs. Bacteria cover themselves with slime blankets to protect themselves from stuff that can hurt them! Bacteria build whole cities out of slime! They even send messages to each other through slime! Thudd, show Andrew and Judy a slime city.”

  meep … “Look!” said Thudd.

  “That’s interesting, Uncle Al,” said Judy. “But we have more important things to worry about right now.”

  “Oops!” said Uncle Al. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get carried away! Andrew, you were about to tell me something when we were cut off last time. I think I know what it is. Did Thudd get wet?”

  “How did you know?” said Andrew.

  Uncle Al nodded. “That’s why we were disconnected,” he said. “The soapy water removed the protective coating from Thudd’s antennas. Has Thudd been snoozing?”

  “Yes,” said Andrew.

  Uncle Al scratched his chin. “What about jokes? Is Thudd telling jokes?” he asked.

  “Uh-huh,” Andrew said. “I’m awfully worried about him.”

  “It sounds like Thudd’s thought chips are soggy,” said Uncle Al. “Thudd hasn’t told any elephant jokes, has he?”

  “No,” said Andrew.

  “Good,” said Uncle Al. “Telling elephant jokes would be much more serious.”

  Uncle Al looked thoughtful. “This is important,” he said. “You must keep Thudd from getting wet again. And you need to stop him from rusting. Rubbing him with something greasy would do the trick. Something like—butter!”

  Judy spoke up. “Uncle Al, how in the world are we supposed to get butter? We’re the size of pinpoints and we’re stuck to the bottom of a sponge!”

  “An unusual problem,” said Uncle Al, nodding. “But solving unusual problems is what we Dubbles do best!”

  “Could you come help us?” asked Andrew.

  “I’m leaving right now,” said Uncle Al. “But I’m all the way up at the Arctic Circle,” he added.

  Uncle Al was starting to fade away.

  “Wait!” yelled Judy.

  “I’m sorry!” called Uncle Al. “I can’t hear you! But remember this: When you’ve got an unusual problem, look at everything in an unusual way! You have everything you need … in your … heads … and … in … your … pockets. …”

  Uncle Al disappeared. And in his place was—

  “The ant!” cried Judy.

  The huge black head, antennas waggling, was coming up from the drain. Its clawed feet reached out and pawed the bottom of the sponge—right next to the Umbubble!

  A TANGLED WEB

  The ant bent its head toward them. They stared up at its giant clipper jaws.

  “It could bite right through the Um-bubble!” said Judy.

  Ahwooo! Harley yowled.

  “Back into the tub, mister!” Mrs. Scuttle yelled. Her voice sounded close.

  The ant tapped the Umbubble with its hairy black antennas.

  meep … “Ant antennas smell us!” said Thudd. “Can tell if we taste good!”

  The ant’s jaws were spreading open! Andrew and Judy were frozen in terror when they heard the flap of the shower curtain against the tub.

  “What’s that on the ceiling?” they heard Mrs. Scuttle say. “I just got rid of one yesterday!”

  Suddenly the sponge was moving. Water oozed out of it!

  The ant wagged its enormous head, then skittered off the sponge and back into the drain.

  “Look!” said Andrew.

  A curved pink wall appeared next to the Umbubble. It was so high they couldn’t see the top. It was covered with ridges that looked like the rows of a plowed field.

  meep … “Thumb!” said Thudd. He pointed to the strange ridges. “Fingerprints!”

  A waterfall tumbled over the Umbubble as Mrs. Scuttle squeezed the sponge. Soap bubbles popped up everywhere!

  Andrew and Judy watched the tub getting farther away. The sponge, with the Umbubble stuck to it, was going up!

  “Sit, Harley!” came Mrs. Scuttle’s rough voice. “I’m going to get rid of that thing once and for all!”

  They saw one of Mrs. Scuttle’s humongous feet in a flip-flop. She had stepped onto the edge of the tub.

  “What is she going to—” Judy started to say.

  “I’ll get you!” yelled Mrs. Scuttle.

  Suddenly they were hurtling toward Mrs. Scuttle’s ceiling!

  “EEEIIIIIY!” Mrs. Scuttle howled.

  There was a tremendous thump, like a mountain falling into a valley. Then there was a softer thump. It was the sponge falling back into the tub. But the Umbubble was swinging like a circus trapeze from the ceiling!

  “We’re dangling from a rope!” said Andrew.

  meep… “Spider web!” said Thudd. “Look!”

  Andrew and Judy looked where Thudd was pointing. The corner of the bathroom ceiling was a jumble of crisscrossed spider webs.

  “Cheese Louise!” said Judy. “We just escaped getting gobbled by an ant. Now we could end up as a spider snack!”

  Andrew looked around. “I don’t see a spider,” he said. “Maybe it’s just an empty web. Maybe Mrs. Scuttle clobbered the spider.”

  Judy and Andrew heard more thumping sounds below. Through the open shower curtain, they could see Mrs. Scuttle sitting on the bathroom floor, pounding her fists on the tiles. Harley was trying to lick her face.

  “She must have slipped off the edge of the tub when she threw the spo
nge,” said Judy.

  “Uh-oh,” said Andrew, looking at the tub below. “We’re hanging right above the drain. If this spider web breaks, it’s slime city for us.”

  meep… “Spider silk strong, strong, strong!” said Thudd.

  “I know,” said Judy. “My parents led a tour to an island near Australia. The spiders made webs so strong that people made fishnets out of them.”

  “Wowzers!” said Andrew. “I’ll bet I can use spider silk in one of my—”

  “Andrew!” yelled Judy. She pointed to a fold in the shower curtain. It was twitching….

  HOLD YOUR BREATH!

  While they watched, a dinosaur-sized spider crept out from behind the shower curtain fold. It looked like a monster cement mixer. Its body was yellow-brown and its head was bullet-shaped and furry. Its legs were long and hairy with brown and yellow stripes.

  The spider let go of the shower curtain and swung away on a thread attached to its rear end.

  When the spider stopped swinging, it was hanging right below the Umbubble!

  meep … “Spider make dragline,” said Thudd. “Special silk thread for escape. Spider swing away when sponge attack. Look!” Thudd pointed toward the ceiling. “End of dragline stuck to web.”

  The spider started to scurry up the dragline. They could see its furry face coming up toward them. Two fangs stuck out at the bottom. At the top of its head were two rows of black eyes.

  meep … “Spider got eight eyes,” said Thudd. “But spider not see much. See hairs on spider? Hairs feel web move. Tell spider what caught in web. Tell spider where to find it. If spider touch our thread, spider feel us move. Feel us talk!”

  Now the spider was right across from them on its dragline. They could see the hairy underside of it.

  Judy pointed to finger-shaped nozzles on the rear end of the spider. “What are those?” she whispered.

  meep … “That where spider silk come from,” said Thudd softly.