by Doreen Bates
SKC and I get on well on a clear understanding. He is determined not to like me more.
MONDAY 18 SEPTEMBER
A good weekend at Burchetts Green – marvellous weather. R was a little better in spirits and I had the good notion of buying her 6 bottles of stout. M and I went to the Crown for them on Saturday evening and took Susan.* Rather a nice little pub – there was a prize Alsatian in it. Yesterday was an oasis of peace – blue sky, hot sun, fresh breeze from the north. I took R for a walk to Hurley in the morning.
The riverside at Hurley
S had a wild scamper. In the afternoon M and I basked in the sun and I read Edward Thompson or watched white clouds floating rapidly across the blue. At 4.0 Mrs Wrigley came and said Russia had invaded Poland, and shattered the tiny, perfect, bubble of peace which the beauty of the day and the remoteness of the place had created in my mind.
After tea W sat in a chair in the garden and was very pleased to have achieved it. R was jubilant. M and I realized how much difference a little thing can make.
WEDNESDAY 20 SEPTEMBER
Lunched with E yesterday, and wasn’t too bad considering whether I would ever see him again. He gave me his address and told me to write to the PO if I intended to write, which he said was just as I liked. It was a perfect day, sunny and fresh.
Lunched with SKC at the Lincoln on ham roll and shandy and he kissed me again this afternoon. One of the things I like about him is that there is no pretence. In many ways his ‘mask’ is quite transparent and I feel his mind is like a child’s. He says he would like to write and does write verse but is too lazy to do much as his living doesn’t depend on it.
FRIDAY 29 SEPTEMBER
A little less cold. Bad news, tho’ one might have expected it. Russia made a military alliance with Hitler and they are jointly demanding peace and immunity from interference. If not …
I have been neglecting the lovely things of life which are the more poignantly moving now when one lives each day as tho’ one’s last. Every night this week the moon has been brilliant and the light has revealed the hills utterly peaceful. No human rival light to spoil its beauty. Close to it no star could shine except Jupiter, which rivals it. I sat by the dining room window watching its tranquil loveliness – serene above a junkety sky, while the gram played ‘Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring’, Mozart’s ‘Batti, Batti’ and the Figaro Overture. A tiny oasis of beauty which by its contrast with the rest of the day’s turmoil – talk, worry, fear, regret – seemed miraculous.
MONDAY 2 OCTOBER
The weekend was not too bad psychologically. W was weak. R was difficult to start with and she was disappointed we had not come down on Friday night, but thawed as time went on. Yesterday morning I took her for a walk towards Marlow via Pinkneys Green. It was blowing hard but was fine and sunny and warm out of the wind. We basked for 10 minutes.
Listened to Churchill last night and was quite impressed, tho’ not so much as I expected. He has a quiet confidence and can joke enough but not too much. Very well delivered.
SUNDAY 8 OCTOBER
On Friday E returned to the office. It was lovely to have a meagre lunch with him at Lyons. I was so happy to see him – I didn’t know how I wanted it. He hadn’t told K, but I expected that. It didn’t spoil the happiness of seeing each other. He said, ‘Thank you for being nice to me.’
TUESDAY 10 OCTOBER
A lovely sunny day today. At coffee WG told me to take some leave, so I have applied for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Monday to Friday next week with the agreement that I may not take all of next week. At lunch I told E and said perhaps he could take an odd day or two. He said in reply that he had heard from his uncle (Chichester) who regretted that in his short holiday he had not been able to go to Chichester, so that is that! I wish he would say ‘no’ point blank rather than leave me to infer. Perhaps I can discuss with K next week.
FRIDAY 13 OCTOBER
The flavour of today was unobtrusively happy, derived of course from lunching with E and 2 things that he said – first, that he may after all have a day next week to walk (either Tuesday or Thursday), secondly, ‘Thank you for coming up to lunch’ – which made the way from Bank to Charing Cross glow warmly as I walked by myself along the grey streets.
It was a sunny morning, tho’ now the rain is drumming on the window. I have been lucky to have 3 golden warm mornings for my leave. An hour and a quarter for lunch with E, then I walked slowly to Charing Cross looking at shops and buildings, stopping at St Paul’s to walk round it. I cannot love it but it never seemed more fitting to the city. It has some fine wrought iron gates. It was strange to walk through the centre of London wondering how long it would be standing and I with eyes to see.
TUESDAY 31 OCTOBER
It has been bitterly cold ever since last week. M went to Lychside but I stayed with S, and Elsie came for the weekend. I had coffee with E on Saturday. M came home last night much concerned about the parents and certain that whatever they did they could not stop at Lychside. R phoned this evening and said W was a bit stronger and she seemed livelier.
At lunch yesterday and today E was full of Clive Bell’s Civilization which he had just read and disagreed with. Quite like our discussions of 7 and 8 years ago. I like him when he is moved about an abstract. He is so sober normally. He hasn’t let me post K’s letter of 25.10 yet. A conversation with WG yesterday about a Schedule E woman who had a child because she wanted it and wanted to claim housekeeping. I gathered that he would be quite sympathetic.
WEDNESDAY 1 NOVEMBER
At lunch E said, a definite conclusion by the weekend – the same tale, as I’m afraid I pointed out. I couldn’t prevent myself from asking him, ‘Do you not want a baby too?’ and his immediate and serious ‘Yes’ comforted me. Even more in a way than his ‘You are very sweet’ in the cold rain on Saturday before I ran off to Cannon Street. I want so much to begin in December. Perhaps we will be able to.
We are to have a quarter of a pound of butter and bacon per week when rationing begins next month. This in a BBC speech by Morrison. Not so bad as rumours which have been as small as 2oz of butter. We can manage.
TUESDAY 7 NOVEMBER
W is much worse. At the weekend we decided he must have a nurse as R could not manage him. He is heavy to lift and too weak to help himself. He disturbed us all on Sunday night. He is not in active pain but it is difficult to make him comfortable. I feel that it is hopeless and that to live is a burden to him so the sooner he dies the better for him and R. They are arranging to come home on Thursday. I do so pray I may die quickly.
SUNDAY 26 NOVEMBER
I have postponed writing anything so long, in the hope of catching up, that I shall never resume if I don’t try to.
Briefly, the parents returned home on the 9th and W died just before 9 am on Monday 13th November. M and I stayed home five days and arranged the funeral, the flowers, the registration and the relations. R was very good but stunned and empty and blank. Aunty Paul came up to stay on Thursday 16th and helped to fill the empty days. R threw herself into getting the house in order and completing the blackout. M and I were terribly tired at the end of the week.
WEDNESDAY 6 DECEMBER
Only 4 weeks tomorrow since the parents came home. It seems another world.
Kathleen’s mother had a stroke a week ago. At lunch yesterday E said she was going downhill and he thought he had better confirm lunch today if he could come. He didn’t phone so I gather she has died or is just going to. On the whole it is as well – her death has been ahead for years and it will at any rate be behind, tho’ I can’t at present see that K’s loneliness without her mother is going to improve the immediate future. For the mother and for K and for E it is the best thing.
MONDAY 18 DECEMBER
I haven’t seen E today, tho’ I talked to him on the phone. WG gave me lunch and we went to look at pictures. I like WG – he has a youthful mind, and yet serious. He and Warmsley (who is on relief) told me I’d soon have a S
pecial* – E told me last week. He estimated it would be in March. This is appalling. Without any scruples I have just kept going without putting anything into my work beyond the necessary minimum. Nevertheless, I dislike the prospect of having it observed and underlined and made manifest by a Special and by being passed over. I also hate the necessity of window dressing. It is infinitely worse than an exam, which has an element of sport about it. On the whole, an unpleasant prospect.
1940
WEDNESDAY 3 JANUARY
A belated entry for the New Year – but it is only a hot bath that enables me to brave the cold tonight. It has been bitter for a week – the ground hard as iron and the roads like glass with frozen snow.
Christmas passed mercifully quickly, with its associations and memories.
Back to the office on Monday. It was lovely to see E. Today we talked about genetics with special reference to my baby (which I want to start the weekend after next).
SUNDAY 7 JANUARY
Elsie E came up to Kingston and is still there so there was no possibility of a baby. I feel perhaps less unhappy on the whole when I see E’s evident contentment with things as they are. A baby will be some compensation, and I do not consciously desire physical contact with him as I did. Perhaps I am just getting older and more inert; I don’t know – I may be just as bad this spring as last year. We have hardly spoken of anything but impersonal things – politics, shop, books, music – this week.
FRIDAY 12 JANUARY
At lunch today E guessed that there had been a preliminary raid warning because all but one of the tube gates at the Bank and Chancery Lane were closed and at 2.00 we heard faint gun firing, but still the mass air attack has not come.
E has not spoken to K but intends to during the next few days and he has said next month I may have the hard bargain if he has gone no further so I must wait again.
Yesterday McCreath asked me what I thought of the marriage bar – as Acting President. The AIT is deciding on its attitude next week as Miss Le Huquet, Miss Ellis and Miss Preston want to marry and be retained permanently, and the BIR won’t exercise its discretion. I made some remarks; he dropped some interesting bits of information – e.g. the Department is not concerned with what a woman does privately so long as she does not discredit the department, but it would be inadvisable to have a baby, although she would not get sacked for that – even if the facts came out. Odd to have this without any soliciting.
SUNDAY 14 JANUARY
E gave me back Huxley’s After Many a Summer at coffee yesterday and we talked about it and about politics and about Reen’s reply to my message from McCreath. She sent me a long typed letter by return, expressing the militant feminist view vigorously. McCreath was grateful. I must admire her for her energy and promptitude. As I told E, I just haven’t a political mind. Her letter was full of tactics and bargains and fighting. I can’t get concerned over an abstract point, or not that type of abstraction.
SUNDAY 28 JANUARY
It has been too cold even to scribble a line in bed so I am trying to make a quick summary on Sunday afternoon in front of a fire, not very hot yet but beautiful, full of thin curling flames around a black lump of coal, all gold and orange. Outside the garden is weighted beneath the heaviest snowfall yet – perhaps 6 or 7 inches. It is the coldest weather for 46 years. All our water except the cold water in the kitchen has been frozen though we have been able, with some patience, to melt the WC, the cold water in the bathroom and the geyser. It has been a bitter winter all over Europe – almost a judgement, one might say, for the lunatic behaviour of people.
E has said nothing so far to my knowledge. I was getting almost philosophical about him, almost succeeding in giving him up as a bad job emotionally as well as intellectually – a much more difficult task – but two small things prevented me. On Thursday there was a London Centre meeting on EPT* which we thought we had better go to. He went with Osborne and I went alone. Afterwards we met in the blackout and had a long coffee and went to Waterloo. Associations perhaps! but I could not help comparing E with other people and liking him so much. The other thing was that he met his uncle (Chichester) at 3.00 yesterday so we had nearly three hours first. This was lovely – the first expedition for weeks and weeks. We went to the United Artists Exhibition at Burlington House.
WG told me on Thursday he had lunched with Pullin who said that I should get a move next batch. WG had suggested a City D district or a Somerset House specialist job, very confidential. He also said, ‘Your stock stands high.’ I don’t attach much importance to this. He is of a sanguine temperament and needs discounting in that direction perhaps as much as DJ needed correction in the other direction. Still, it was sweet of him to say so. But in spite of myself I cannot help wondering about promotion and sometimes wishing I had taken the work more seriously. I am in a neurotic state of mind about it and SKC and E both take advantage of it to torment me. I can’t help thinking now how useful the additional money would be, that I have let down the women by not trying more, that I don’t earn what I get now, that I cannot make myself window-dress, that I will not appeal if I get passed over, so I suppose I shall go on for at least 6 months. Whatever happens I shall not be satisfied. The best thing I can do is to start a baby which will take my mind off it.
SATURDAY 3 FEBRUARY
At last the cold has softened and now it is raining for the first time since before Christmas. And I am better too. We had coffee today and E was better. He has had a flu cold – aching in his bones – but he seems to have thrown it off. We said little; but it was sweet to be with him and with complete understanding. He had spent some spare time yesterday making an EPT computation which he gave me to look at. I must get to the bottom of it and make him give me lessons on it.
This afternoon I went to Croydon with M. We talked about how to manage my baby and what to do with R and whether M would do the Mental Health diploma at Cambridge. All very tentative but pleasant.
FRIDAY 9 FEBRUARY
Alas, my doom is upon me – a Special on Tuesday next 13th. I hate the idea of being under the microscope, like a cripple naked before the world. I feel I haven’t a thing worth looking at or an account that a child couldn’t do as well as I. WG is very nice – is doing his best for me and bullying me to do my best. But I fear his efforts are vain. If I could but borrow Reen’s temperament for the 3 days. E has been sweet to me for 3 lunchtimes (since I knew). On Monday he announced that he intended to take K to Sussex (Horsted Keynes) for 3 or 4 days next week. I was dismal. He said he would get things settled and he didn’t want to start a baby this month. Then when I heard about my Special he said he would postpone the trip till the week after in order to give me moral support. He did not know how this touched me – the only time (I think) he has ever put K off, even at all, for my sake. He said it had been such a relief to talk during his Special and he did as he would have wanted me to do – probably mistakenly!! Today he said he would have to ‘desert me’ after all as his father had had a stroke and he was going to Tamworth tomorrow morning. He was nice and did his best to cheer me up but I felt completely abandoned after lunch. It was lucky I had heaps of work to do. I haven’t so far done anything about the Special – nothing WG and E have advised me to do – collect statistics, pick out ‘pretty’ cases etc. I suppose I must tomorrow. I hate it all. I would rather (at the moment) be passed over as too bad to make it worthwhile to give me a Special. The only good in the evil is that the sooner it is over the better, and better now than when I am having a baby. It will save the effect of my worrying. Whatever the result, I am determined not to appeal. This is hideous – hideous.
Life is like an infernal wheel which turns and turns in my mind. Sometimes the Special is at the top and most prominent, sometimes E and my vain wants. I was right when I wanted to die at 30.
SATURDAY 10 FEBRUARY
And so – my universe has rocked again. This morning I received notice of Transfer to City 10. I would prefer to have stayed at St George’s for anothe
r 12 months, secure in the sympathy of WG and SKC and knowing my work so well. But there may be compensations – an easy journey – the office is in Seething Lane just by the Tower. It will be nearer to lunch (unless E should move to the west end or the suburbs). The men there may be quite nice. WG thinks it is a compliment – the first woman inspector to squeeze into the superior City Districts! I stayed till 1.05 collecting statistics and noting cases and felt a little more resigned to Wardrop on Tuesday.
SATURDAY 24 FEBRUARY
A fortnight full of ups and downs – mainly occupied for the first week by my Special and for the second with having flu. It remained bitterly cold till last Monday but since then it has been mild with some sunshine. One felt that Spring might appear.
My Special was hideous – not perhaps quite so bad as my nightmare, but the strain of having Wardrop sitting in my room and asking me questions about any case he was looking at or on any general point from 9.30 to 5.30 was terrific. I fell asleep in the train from sheer exhaustion and then couldn’t sleep at night. It was so awful to keep oneself screwed up to top pitch all the time. In himself he was quite considerate. He didn’t say a thing except that he thought he’d seen a fair sample of my work. There were plenty of omissions and errors but I think not having insisted on doing the 3 months supervision damned me most. He took till Friday lunch and then took me to Bertorelli’s and gave me a good lunch with wine. I had two teas, one with E who made me dismal by saying he had to go to Worcester to see his uncle, and happy by being obviously sorry about it to me. He had come back on the Tuesday night and we had lunched in Baker St all through the Special, which was a comfort.