Diary of a Wartime Affair

by Doreen Bates

  I was surprised not to see any evidence of bombing on the route from Victoria to Golders Green. Today I have hardly remembered the war, except when a time bomb went off in Marylebone Road with a big crack as my bus was at Baker Street Station. It was nearer than I have been to an explosion – the dust and smoke were in the air but no one seemed perturbed – ‘Time bomb gone off, I suppose?’ the woman behind me remarked.

  FRIDAY 11 OCTOBER

  E forgot I was not going to lunch with him yesterday, and said he had ‘an alarming time’ – phoned me – in vain. It was only when he thought of ringing up Salmon that he remembered. He is not coming up to town tomorrow so we cannot try to start a baby then, but he did not suggest that we cannot try this time at all – perhaps we can have a half day next week or two. I do so want it to come off. It seemed ages since I had seen him on Wednesday – after the gulf of yesterday. I looked at him and knew I still loved him. But a child would anchor me and make me more contented. When Salmon looked at me today – touched my hand or my hair – I could not help liking him. I am nearer loving him than anyone else but E. If I believed it would hurt E I should be quite ruthless to myself and to Salmon, but he doesn’t want me physically. He has said so many times that I am asking a lot when I want to try to start a child. I don’t know what to do. I hate to feel that either of them will suffer through me. ‘Not worth thinking about,’ Salmon says of himself. What should I do? If I do as usual I shall just drift into a mess from which I shan’t be able to emerge without suffering to all of us.

  SATURDAY 12 OCTOBER

  A bright sunny winter’s day with a white frost this morning.

  ES* has written me a letter, bothering over my ‘long story’. I told him a little but there was no opportunity for a proper account. He said, ‘Don’t bother about me – conflicting loyalties are the greatest cause of unhappiness.’ I don’t know. What I cannot decide is how much it would matter now to E whether I stayed in his life or went out – whether he would at bottom prefer to be left in peace. That is what I must find out. I am quite certain that there is more possibility of loving ES than anyone else since I loved E but I must be honest and I must not try to have it both ways.

  At midday Ostime and ES went home and gave me a sherry on the way. I then went on an 11 bus to Victoria. I went to lunch with Elsie and stayed till 4.30 talking. It was good for me to talk things over with her.

  MONDAY 14 OCTOBER

  A horrid chilly day – and I am irritable and bad-tempered. At 12.05 the warning went and did not finish till 2.10 – so I didn’t go out to lunch and didn’t see E. ES gave me some coffee and chocolate and I ate a piece of Ryvita with my tea. E did ring up before he went home and I must have sounded grumpy and dismal. I had by then written him a letter. After that I wrote ES a note, as it is very difficult to talk without interruption. He spent the afternoon sticking scrim over his windows. I found it exceedingly difficult to work, mainly sheer distaste for such cases as the Swedish Chamber of Commerce. ES said (with a paint brush in one hand), ‘Don’t go without saying good night.’ He kissed me before I went. I gave him his note and he put it away. I don’t know what will happen. We must not take ourselves too seriously, but I upset him by saying, ‘I shouldn’t worry so much if you just wanted a little amusement.’

  TUESDAY 15 OCTOBER

  We had alarms all day off and on. E and I lunched – perhaps we had 20 minutes – when the alarm went. I gave him my note. I felt desperately sorry for him. He said he hadn’t slept much for three nights, he was feeling the strain.

  My room is now swathed in scrim – every bit of glass, window ventilator, door panel is covered with it. The effect is of living in a Scotch mist. ES came in with a reply to my note, telling me more or less about himself and his family and his wife. She is in the last stages of creeping paralysis; it was diagnosed in 1926; I was horrified to think how they must both have suffered. What can I do but try to snatch some happiness for him and with him after such a life? He kissed me and we have snatched at least an hour altogether to talk etc. I left the office at 4.40. There was a raid on. I walked with ES to the Monument – underground to Mansion House – a long queue there for a special bus. I caught a Brighton train which got me home at 6.50. Now, once more to the sound of guns and planes, I am waiting to go in from the air raid shelter for the news.

  WEDNESDAY 16 OCTOBER

  I tried to lunch with E and got nearly to Camomile St and was turned back by the police. A policeman told me there was a landmine in the neighbourhood and they were going to explode it. Everyone was being cleared out, it was horrid; hordes of people with parcels and cases and babies; fire engines and AFS men with hoses, sand, ambulances, two lorries of soldiers labelled ‘Bomb Disposal’, but with ‘Suicide Squad’ chalked on the sides.

  I gave up looking for E after 35 minutes walking and had brown bread and butter and cheese and coffee in an ABC and went back to the office and talked to ES for 45 minutes. We talked about books and schools and people. We were both quite foolishly affectionate. He is sweet and it is nice to be wanted again. He is considerate and said he hoped we would not get killed. It is extremely difficult to arrange to do anything. He went early to the nursing home, as usual. There was only one half hour warning and I phoned E at 3.45. He was all right though he had had a difficult journey – got to Putney and by lorry from there. He seemed a bit less flattened out.

  THURSDAY 17 OCTOBER

  A fine moonlit evening, so I fear London will have a bad night. Another day dominated by travelling. Lunched at the Bank with E – white roll, cheese, margarine and a cup of tea after a long wait. He had slept better last night but was upset inside. Men are like children. We talked of nothing but the blitz and travelling. He said he hadn’t felt up to answering my note. I told him not to bother, I would not badger him again.

  FRIDAY 18 OCTOBER

  I went to Bishopsgate to lunch today, but lunched alone. E did not come and I don’t know what happened to him. I hope it is just a chill. ES gave me a photograph this morning. We have tentatively decided to lunch tomorrow. I like him – he is sweet to me. He was better today. We are both very foolish but it is rather nerve-racking, avoiding disturbance.

  SUNDAY 20 OCTOBER

  A perfect day – warm, sunny with blue sky and autumn trees. Yesterday ES had to go to Barnet at 2.00 but we had the whole morning (more or less) in the office and then 12.00–2.00. I like him, though at times I felt it difficult to get into communication with him as it were – he seemed somehow remote. I don’t know why this should be. It might be easier if we had slept together as I am not sure that wanting to is a distraction which makes one aware of the other person almost through a fog; it makes everything seem slightly unreal. Yet I should hate to sleep with a person I didn’t know. It is very difficult, not least to make opportunities to get to know each other better.

  TUESDAY 22 OCTOBER

  Lunched with E but spent more time with ES, making love. He kisses me and talks nonsense and then shop. And I – I should like to spend a night in his arms.

  WEDNESDAY 23 OCTOBER

  I had an interview with a rabid woman who represents a Geneva scent company. She called instead of the manager because ‘he can’t argue’. Barnes, for the Revenue, in 1935, insisted on going from a percentage basis to a profit and loss basis and now we want to go back. Poor thing! She was very fierce but she went away slightly calmed and even thought it was a pity she hadn’t seen me in 1935! A case where pacifism paid!

  SATURDAY 26 OCTOBER

  I was rather late starting but reached the office by 10.00; did almost nothing except dictate. ES left at 11.30 and I went 5 minutes later and we went by bus to the Leicester Galleries to see the Epstein exhibition – 3 sculptures, 2 lovely things of his granddaughter as a baby at 4 months and 7 months and a negro girl. A roomful of watercolours of flowers; I have never seen such vivid watercolours – more like oils, Van Gogh oils at that. Marvellous – barbaric – sunflowers and delphiniums I liked best, they were lovely. E
S liked them.

  MONDAY 28 OCTOBER

  Cold but sunny and misty; good journey to the office, worse coming home, but seats both ways and London Bridge was open. E’s journey was bad – Waterloo closed and he had an altercation with a ticket collector who pointed out that his season said it was available only two ways (both of which were closed). E refused to pay and gave his name and address. In these days –! He has a cold but managed to eat a pear I took from the garden.

  ES lunched at Somerset House and got back at about 3.00. I didn’t see much of him in the day and did quite a lot of work. He brought me some coffee in his thermos, just for me. We made love for 45 minutes before going home. It is amazing how easy it is to form a habit.

  FRIDAY 1 NOVEMBER

  This morning I went to the Bank and as I emerged looked up and saw eight planes quite clearly flying almost directly over Fenchurch Street. They looked white, to the south but still high in the sky. I watched six flying almost straight with others, presumably Spitfires, making figures of eight and heading them off. Once I saw a flash in the sky as a Spitfire’s trail almost intersected the ‘main line’. These planes were too high to see anything but the vapour trails. When I went into the office I was quite blind from looking into the bright sky.

  MONDAY 4 NOVEMBER

  Last night was the first night without an alarm since the blitz started. We slept in the shelter mainly because the beds weren’t aired, but the joy of an evening by the fire listening to Edith Evans in The Way of the World. A peaceful day too with no alarms. ES was very sweet to me; he has a habit of dashing in and kissing me and dashing out to do some work, which is very appealing. He is nice; but we are effectually prevented from talking consecutively, not to say making love, by the other inhabitants of the corridor. This morning Thompson called again about EPT and left me a bottle of lavender water made by the company. I protested but he went off with an air of beneficence. I told John and he said, ‘Very nice of him.’

  TUESDAY 5 NOVEMBER

  Early this morning 3.00 am–7.00 am we had a continuous stream of planes with bursts of gunfire, enough to disturb us several times. It seems to have been general in London.

  We received the professional newsletter today. It says that a Committee has been appointed to consider how to cope with the blackout and blitz and keep the work going, especially in London, but initiative, imagination, sympathy and broadmindedness are required! So delightfully English – it sounds like ‘muddle through’.

  I should miss being kissed by ES now if he were not there.

  SATURDAY 9 NOVEMBER

  I took the morning off and went to Golders Green to lunch with ES. It was bleak and cold and this afternoon it poured with rain but we enjoyed ourselves sitting by the fire and listening to records – Mendelssohn’s Italian Symphony, Mozart’s Serenata Notturna, Beethoven’s Pathétique, Purcell’s Golden Sonata. Lovely; we listened and made love for what must have been one and a half to two hours though it seemed very short. Then lunch and Mr O’Neill talked about Kenneth Ingram’s book and scolded me for my pessimism. Then, too quickly, ES came with me to Golders Green station, I to Victoria, he to Barnet. I would not have believed I would love anyone so much and get to know him so well with so little talk and in so short a time. Bombs fell; one while we were going to look at South Square with its housing and Lutyens’ church and institute, discussed in Massingham’s London Scene; two while we were having coffee in the lounge. A lovely day. I hope so much that we live to love more.

  MONDAY 11 NOVEMBER

  I have worked quite hard, in spite of dallying a certain time with ES. We both find such delight in our love. I rejoiced to see him this morning, especially after the heavy raid of last night. He wrote to me in the weekend, a sweet foolish letter which I loved. I find such joy in his pleasure.

  THURSDAY 14 NOVEMBER

  There were two impressive bits of naval news – a successful attack on the Italian navy in Taranto by the Fleet Air Arm and the magnificent fight of the Jervis Bay in defence of its convoy. She was sunk but at least 30 out of 38 ships got away. Most moving.

  Mrs Salmon wants to go to Paignton. ES asked me whether I wanted to go on doing IT and EPT all my life. Wouldn’t I rather live conventionally and marry and have children? We talked more than usual partly because I wouldn’t let him kiss my lips, as I still had a cold, though it hasn’t developed completely. It seems strange to me – I love him and I have complete trust in him, though I have known him such a short time.

  FRIDAY 15 NOVEMBER

  ES told me all about his finances today. He can’t be bothered to manage, but to pay 5 guineas a week for the Paignton nursing home and John’s education will be difficult. The better I grow to love him the sorrier I am for his wife. She must have been through an awful time. So must he; I can make him a little happy.

  MONDAY 18 NOVEMBER

  It was nice to see ES and he was happy to see me. He had written me a note. His wife had decided to go. She wired her sister in Paignton to fix up there. We arranged a job to be done jointly.

  TUESDAY 19 NOVEMBER

  Cold but dry today. Last night I slept in the shelter but I heard planes and a burst of firing once. Otherwise all quiet, no alerts today at all, but this evening the sky is clear and there is more activity – planes humming, and guns, though further off than usual. We and even R are still sitting by the fire at 8.20.

  ES and I have finished our job. He has asked O’Neill to try a pencil sketch of him for me. We loved for 30 minutes before we came home.

  WEDNESDAY 20 NOVEMBER

  Last night we slept in the shelter. There was quite a lot of activity, though different from usual. The planes seemed higher and the guns further away and different.

  E at lunch told me about a demolition worker who lived near a house on which he was working. He dug out a baby covered with dust and dirt and he couldn’t tell whether it was dead or alive. He told the ambulance to take it to his wife first. She washed it and tended it and in an hour it was sitting up smiling.

  THURSDAY 21 NOVEMBER

  ES made love to me off and on all day and for 20 minutes before we went home. We shall feel better when we have slept together. I don’t know whether to tell E definitely or not.

  MONDAY 25 NOVEMBER

  Lunched with ES on Saturday. He has arranged to take his wife to Paignton on Wednesday and come back on Sunday and come here direct if possible. He is really very sweet and seems to like me very much. He says O’Neill blesses this and thinks it will be good for both of us to love. He rang me up yesterday morning.

  TUESDAY 26 NOVEMBER

  Fine, sunny and cloudy, mild. R caught the 10.30 am train to Plymouth. Everything went well. It was a quiet night, no siren at all and I slept in bed. We caught a slow train about 9.00 to Victoria, taxi-ed to Paddington, found the train just coming in and put her and Susan in a non-smoker corner near the restaurant car. M and I didn’t wait for it to go but had a coffee and M went shopping and I went to the city. It was queer to say goodbye to R and S and ES on the same day. We talked and kissed off and on all day from when I got to the office. He had written me a note – a sweet note, when he should have been sleeping in the quiet of last night. I hope so much for Sunday night to see him at Purley and I hope I shall be a bit late this month so that we can sleep together nicely.

  SATURDAY 30 NOVEMBER

  Today E unexpectedly came to the office and we had a quick coffee before I went on to Charing Cross to lunch with Elsie. Yesterday I asked him how he felt and told him I could make our relationship platonic now if he was satisfied. I don’t know what he will say. Of course, putting it more definitely is more than just having an existing position to continue, but I felt I owed it to him. I have heard every morning from ES. He is doubtful about getting back tomorrow. The nursing home wouldn’t keep his wife – too much bother. I feel so indignant for them. He will have to find somewhere else and move her there and he doesn’t know how long it will take. Apart from the facts stated, which are just new
s, his letters were lovely. Anyway, I shouldn’t want to sleep with him tomorrow as I happed yesterday, 2 days early.

  MONDAY 2 DECEMBER

  E had not replied to my note, but said he couldn’t guess my motives. I told him he must disregard my feelings – I just wanted to know how he felt. I do love him still very much. Can one love two men? I think so, in quite different ways. I have more respect for E and this is in some queer way connected with my love for him. He represents a much higher standard than I can ever reach. ES does too but he is more anti-social, less patient with life. Perhaps it is just that I don’t know him so well. Two letters from ES this morning. He returns tomorrow and will come then.