Diary of a Wartime Affair

by Doreen Bates

  SUNDAY 30 MARCH

  Yesterday I shopped in the afternoon after lunch in Belfast. Just as I was leaving the office Wardrop paid a social call. He was quite cordial (for him). When he asked me how I liked it I told him. He takes the official view: when you get your HG you must have a district. I said I thought this too rigid for wartime, and much as I should like my own district, I thought I should be doing more now on EPT. He was lunching with Reville, so perhaps he passed it on! I had a chit from Establishments, asking for amendments and additions (if any) to preferences. I said my preference for London had been strengthened since I came to Belfast but I would prefer almost anywhere in the southern half of England to NI.

  A lovely long letter from E on Friday morning – lovely, so lovely that I cried a little in the bus as I read it.

  MONDAY 31 MARCH

  A letter from E saying he thought from what my letters didn’t say that I must be very unhappy.

  Reville came to see me and I told him I wanted all my leave in September. A fortnight at most, he said. I pointed out that I could only go to England once and I wanted my leave to go there, but he couldn’t do anything. I must see what PI Establishments said. I told him I would probably have an operation while I was in England and he was quite sympathetic about that. Maybe I would like to go earlier than September. On medical grounds something might be done – official business. From his standpoint it would be more convenient to take sick leave before I go to Enniskillen.

  The geyser is still not fixed. I long for a bath but they have promised to come tomorrow morning without fail. The rice pudding I made was marvellous. I thought it would last 2 nights but I finished it – and after steak, cauliflower and fried potatoes, but I had a snack lunch.

  WEDNESDAY 2 APRIL

  Last night I went rather reluctantly to see Mrs Darling (with whom Mary Roney had put me in touch). She turned out very nice – a dentist, practising with her father – married last August to a man in the Colonial Office who had to leave for Trinidad the same day. Has a sister here working as nurse in a maternity hospital, another living at Blackheath, married to the MOH of Woolwich. I hope I see more of her. She may be able to help a lot about doctors etc. She lent a map of Belfast, which is a boon, and gave me a supper of egg and lettuce sandwiches, sponge sandwich, shortcake and tea.

  THURSDAY 3 APRIL

  An accountant in this morning who said he thought I had struck a bad patch of weather; it wasn’t usually as bad as this. I wondered – was this a form of local patriotism? A lovely fire tonight which makes me lazy. My own superior coal has arrived at last (ordered on Monday!), moreover I have had a pleasant, well-balanced dinner – fried sausage, boiled potatoes, lettuce, baked apple and custard, tea and bread and butter. An altogether better day.

  SATURDAY 5 APRIL

  I got back at 4.0 and found that the geyser was working enough for a hot bath. The luxury! Since then I have been just lazy and have done nothing but cook some supper (fried whiting, brown bread and butter and one of Mrs Bennett’s tarts); otherwise I have just toasted myself by the fire and read The Voyage – I am enjoying it very much.

  SUNDAY 6 APRIL

  My Sunday Times came today. A pity we have lost Benghazi. Germany has attacked Yugoslavia and Greece. I can’t get it out of my head how they are suffering. And what looks like a pro-German resolution in Irak may be the most serious of all. To bring a child into such a world.

  TUESDAY 8 APRIL

  Last night I heard the siren again, for the first time since the 6th March when I had to taxi to Kennington to lunch with Margot. I had just fallen asleep and gunfire awoke me and a few minutes later the siren went. I considered, and decided there was no point in getting up. There are 2 bay windows in my bedroom but the bed is in the far corner and it is on the ground floor. I heard the Bennetts above me getting up and she was excited. I hadn’t heard the plane come over. She reported that there was a big fire (which I heard today was a timber yard). The AA sounded very poppety & shallow after the heavy London barrage. The earlier planes kept high but later they evidently found the AA was not much risk and came lower. There were long gaps when I must have slept, but several times planes and bombs and gunfire awoke me. They dropped 3 landmines. Two fell in the lough but one hit a factory for spare parts and killed workmen rumoured to number anything from 6 to 100. One plane was brought down by a fighter near Larne – exploded in the air. There was some excitement this morning. I could hear people running about the road and also the patter of shrapnel. Machine guns kept popping at the flares. Miss Harrison, who was with her people over their shop, just by the river, said their shop window was blown out and the front door blown in. I was not so jittery as I was after the heavy London raid last month, worrying about people, but it was worse here than at Purley because it is a smaller place. One feels more conspicuous, more part of the target.

  GOOD FRIDAY, 11 APRIL

  2 days’ gap because I have left the diary till after the news and lingered, talking to the Bennetts, till my fire had gone out and the only thing to do was to go to bed. So tonight I am beginning at 8.10.

  Just a few footnotes to Monday’s raid: casualties were 8 killed and one or two not found. The rumours soared to 150. Almost all were in one factory on night shift. I hear that an unexploded shell came through the roof of a house across the road, through the ceiling and made a mess of the bedroom. The people had just gone downstairs. Also, we have a smoke screen on moonlit nights when the weather is suitable. Mrs Bennett thought it was poison gas the first night. We have had instructions about what to do if the office is damaged. I have called at the Blood Transfusion office and offered mine if necessary up to 6th June.

  I begin to feel a little curiosity stir. I got The Face of Ireland (Batsford) from the library and made tentative plans to go to Dublin for a weekend, Saturday afternoon to Monday (taking a Monday instead of today). I could explore Dublin and see the doctor on the Monday. I might also perhaps go out this Monday if it is fine. I have thought of Newcastle if there is a bus. It is a pity not to see the places within reach of Belfast while I am here.

  I get a lot of pleasure at present out of food. This may be a kind of zest due to the baby. I enjoy planning my breakfasts and dinners and get hungry for them. It may be partly the scarcity of some things, for instance, I felt triumphant this evening when I got some cheese, and enjoyed every crumb of my dinner – fried cod and fried potatoes, brown malt bread, cheese and lettuce, stewed apple & post toasties, tea and a tiny piece of bread and butter – especially the second course. Since I got my delayed marmalade ration I have appreciated a little of it for breakfast as never before.

  E’s letters are lovely; I don’t feel I am getting out of touch with him at all.

  SATURDAY 12 APRIL

  I have found out about buses to Newcastle on Monday. If it is fine I shall try to go. Buses are much better than trains.

  It is milder but damp and this afternoon I felt more depressed than I have been for some days – the holiday perhaps. Also, the scarcity of work makes it seem so pointless to be here at all. And I had difficulty shopping. Nothing but stewing beef, no stamps at the Sydenham shop, no firelighters, no brown bread except Veda which is 6d for a small loaf; and everywhere packed.

  EASTER SUNDAY, 13 APRIL

  It is the spring at last. I went for a 2 hour walk just after 3.0 and it was warm. I found a good walk up to 562 feet past the Parliament Building at Stormont which I could see only from the side.

  WEDNESDAY 16 APRIL

  On Monday I developed a cold due, I think, to sitting frozen in the unheated office on Good Friday morning. Not a serious one, but sufficient to make my head ache on Monday. I was not detained from my expedition to Newcastle and duly caught the bus, being lucky to be on the front seat after starting in the front corner. The weather was sunny and warm, with deep blue sky and puffy white clouds racing across it. I didn’t trust it fully and was right, but till 12.15, when we got to Newcastle, it was perfect.

  We went via Bal
lynahinch and Castlewellan – little grey country towns looking surprisingly French owing to a paved and gravelled place, with flat grey houses and a mairie. Castlewellan had chestnuts with seats and was bustling with life. All the shops open, the whole population out, old men with wonderful whiskers and hats; the ubiquitous swarms of dirty children; lads driving cows and sheep straying perilously in front of the bus; a market consisting entirely of old clothes stalls.

  You would think to hear people talk that Newcastle was a veritable Brighton but in fact it is a toy seaside town. One big hotel with a station next door, a mile of shops and houses, a swimming pool, a tiny harbour with a tiny harbourmaster’s office. It is all grey – grey houses, grey sand, grey rocks, grey shingle and looks charming with sun out but sombre when the sun and clouds are grey too. The country is attractive – the route was lovely – mostly cultivated except on the hill top. Water of all kinds – sea inlets, streams, lake, mere, pond, bog – all sizes. Men working in the fields, usually with horses, but once I saw a man striding across a field with a bag slung round his shoulder, sowing by hand, left and right, rhythmically.

  Last night was disturbed. I went up to hear the news with the Bennetts and Mr B told me the Formidable, our newest aircraft carrier, was in. She was launched from Belfast just before Christmas. On Monday about lunchtime the sirens went in Belfast. I heard something that may have been guns but I thought was thunder and also machine guns but there were swarms of soldiers everywhere. Apparently they were on reconnaissance. The sirens went last night at 1.40 and the All Clear (in the middle of which I heard what I took to be a time bomb going off) at 5.0 am. From 11.0 to 4.0, with scarcely 10-minute intervals, German planes kept coming over continuously dropping heavy stuff – must have been heavy as the vibrations were remarkable. The AA kept up a continuous barrage but it couldn’t even keep them high. You could hear them dive low before releasing their bombs. Our fighters were up 2 at a time, there was incessant machine gunning. It was the worst night I have had, either at Purley or here. The Bennetts came down to my dining room and I made tea. At 12.0 I went to bed in the dark thinking I was as safe there as anywhere and, tho’ it was impossible to sleep, I should be resting physically. Several times the bed swayed like a cot being rocked. Doors and windows rattled and I could see against the blackout the glare of fires. The most nerve-racking thing was when the Germans glided in silently. The only thing one heard was the crump of bombs. I went over poems in my head: Keats’s Nightingale, Grecian Urn, Autumn, bits of Hyperion; Shelley’s West Wind and Night; Shakespeare’s Sonnets, ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds’ and ‘To me fair friend you never will be old’; de la Mare’s ‘When I lie where shades of darkness’ – so apposite with the last verse: ‘Look thy last on all things lovely every hour’ … They seemed even more beautiful and permanent in that inferno; and from those to hymns – ‘Oh God Our help’, ‘Jerusalem’ and the Magnificat and ‘I will lift mine eyes unto the hills’.

  This morning it was good to be alive and I enjoyed every crumb of my breakfast.

  FRIDAY 18 APRIL

  We have had 2 quiet nights’ rest, which were welcome. But on Wednesday London had its heaviest raid yet. I felt I should go mad yesterday. Belfast first and then the anxiety of wondering about the London people. The post hadn’t come, so when I got home I found a lovely collection. E’s letter was posted yesterday, after the raid, so I was glad to know he was safe. His letter came in record time, while the one postmarked 28th March, which arrived 15th April, was a record the other way. None of them was opened. After this I felt a bit more cheerful. There is not enough work to distract me and I worry and freeze, sitting in my coat with no heating.

  Last night Mrs Bennett said she had had the offer of a furnished house and was moving there next Thursday, tho’ she was sleeping there from yesterday. It was thought to be safer, being further from the aerodrome and having a solid cupboard under the stairs. They were both concerned about me and I certainly would not like the flat so much with no company upstairs. They will have a bedroom and a sitting room to spare but had to offer them first to friends, tho’ they would both prefer me to have them. The other possibility is to lodge at the house across the road. Mrs Hay – Yorkshire, very nice, more ‘genteel’ than Mrs B. She and her husband are wardens, but she had a fall and mustn’t go out at night so she is alone when he is on duty.

  When I had a bath last night I thought the baby was showing a little in increased bulkiness but perhaps it was fancy.

  SATURDAY 19 APRIL

  Reville came to see me today & told me about his landmine. I told him there wasn’t much work at Belfast 1 and he said he would move me round to another district. My cold is still bad and I froze in the office. I did my shopping and got back soon after 3.0. Tried the piano for 30 minutes, but there was nothing to play and my fingers were woefully stiff. At Mrs Hay’s last night I heard that the Dublin, Dundalk and Cork fire brigades came to Belfast’s help in the raid. I was impressed and quite cheered. Perhaps adversity may make the Irish more civilized. Also, firemen from Glasgow and Liverpool came to help. They were brought in destroyers and were in action at 2.30 am.

  Mrs Bennett is having a job to clear up. She says I can go there to live. I am going to see it tomorrow. The points against Mrs Hay’s place are gas lighting, no privacy and the fire has to be lit specially for bath. There is a piano at Mrs B’s and the hot water is good. I gave them tea when they were here. They have left me their wireless set.

  THURSDAY 1 MAY

  It is 8 weeks since I left Euston. I was rather excited this afternoon about Raper, who is going to try to wangle a permit to go to the AGM 3 weeks on Sunday. Apparently, if the permit question is solved, I could go on the Friday night, take the Monday as Good Friday and get back on Tuesday. It would be heavenly. No one wants to go as delegate as London is thought to be too hot! He invited me to Bangor at the weekend. I may go the weekend after. More work today. I solved the lunch problem by having soup and a roll at a milk bar and then 2 salmon rolls and a bun at the Snackery. This morning I got a lb of oranges at the local shop! Lovely!

  TUESDAY 6 MAY

  A full 5 days since last I wrote. On Saturday I caught the 2.45 train to Dublin. I was lucky to step into a non-smoker in the middle of an argument between a man who wanted to smoke and 3 determined women who insisted on their rights. Finally he said, ‘I’m not liking your company,’ and went out with his woman, leaving the corner seat vacant for me.

  The journey, when we were moving, was interesting. Portadown looks a dead, dull place. Gradually we climbed until we were passing the Mourne mountains, leaving Newry to the east in a hollow of the hills. It looked big and more interesting than Portadown, perhaps because it was further away. At the next station we stopped for Immigration and examination of identity cards. Through a cutting in grey mauve rock we ran down hill, leaving the highest of the Mourne mountains between us and the sea and so to Dundalk, the first town in Eire. A long pause for customs. The country seemed to change its character and grew softer and more lush and spring was much further on, sheltered from the north. We got lovely glimpses of vivid blue sea till just north of Dublin. We were running by the shore and watching lazy, crawling waves on the sand and the red sails of boats in tiny harbours. Coming back on Sunday it was just as sunny but more misty.

  I loved Dublin which seemed much more attractive than Belfast. The hotel was palatial – the Gresham in O’Connell Street. Imposing but not overwhelming on the outside, rather like Versailles, with chandeliers and urns and mouldings inside, but less expensive than I expected. It worked out at 12/6d for bed and breakfast. The shops were interesting in these days – my mouth watered at windows full of jam and marmalade, unrationed butter, bacon, meat.

  I went to the Abbey Theatre to see The Money Doesn’t Matter, a comedy, but serious with an Irish setting. Quite good, but I thought one or two of the character parts were overacted. The audience was interesting and I had the last 1 & 6 pence seat. It was strange to come ou
t at 10.50 to find street lamps full on, lighted shop windows and buses fully lighted. But I had a feeling of depression; I couldn’t live in such a precarious peace ‘purchased’ as it were at other people’s expense while they were suffering. I feel more content in the blackout and blitz.

  It was another brilliant day. After a large and leisurely breakfast I walked round Dublin along the Liffey to look at the Custom House; then the other way to see the 4 Courts, both lovely 18th century buildings. The river reminds me of the Seine and the RC element – friars, nuns, orphans in crocodiles – and the second hand bookshops made me think of Paris. I loved Stephen’s Green, a lovely little park with mallard and baby ducks. There is a grace and individuality about Dublin and an intellectual life which make it more attractive than Belfast.

  I went to see Dr McCormick at 12.0. She looked like a char in what appeared to be a pink flannel petticoat and had a mop of grey hair. I liked her. She said I needn’t bother to see a doctor till August unless I get puffiness or severe headache (meaning kidneys are not standing up to the strain). She said I could not conceal it after June and thought Enniskillen a place which would enjoy making a scandal. She did not approve so whole heartedly as Dr Malleson. She thought a child should have both its parents. She will give me a doctor in Belfast in case of emergency and says if I go to England it must be at least 6 weeks before the baby is due.