by Doreen Bates
I caught the 6.0 train and came from Belfast by tram reaching the house at 11.25. 45 minutes later the siren went and we had a real blitz. Our side of the river got it worse than on Easter Tuesday. The first half hour was the worst. We were in the dining room and the windows were blown out. I saw a piece of shutter fly across the room and a huge cloud of smoke and soot came from the fire before the gas went out. We went into my sitting room with an oil lamp as the fire was not lighted. All the windows were damaged except my sitting room and a little one upstairs. The ceiling of the larder came down and some of the moulding of my bedroom ceiling fell. The noise was terrific. It went on without a lull at all till 2.30 and gradually eased off till 4.0. We went to bed at 4.50. There is no water, no gas, no electricity. I believe the dockyard is badly damaged and there were some appalling fires. The centre of the city – offices, shops – had serious fires, and the office was saved by the fire fighters who were a good team, reinforced by Cartwright & Baillie & Co who came in to see if they could help, altho’ they were not on duty. The first floor non-revenue people had no one. By great efforts they put out the fire which began to spread from other buildings and the damage was limited to windows and window frames.
WEDNESDAY 7 MAY
[continued]
(forced to stop last night because it was too dark and we have only candles). We did not wake up till 9.0 but I had only about 2 and a half hours’ sleep. The All Clear sirens did not go because the electricity which works them was off. People emerged from shelters or were bombed out and made a lot of noise so that it was difficult to get any rest. The sky was alight with fires. But before I slept I heard the birds’ dawn chorus – a miracle of sanity and sweetness. Had to boil a kettle on the oil stove. Had an orange and some cornflakes for breakfast. I took the wise precaution of taking cheese sandwiches and an orange for lunch, thinking correctly that it would be impossible to get anything in the city. We could get no milk, bread or tea in the office. The heating and lighting were off and by the afternoon there was no water. I was lucky to get a lift in a warden’s car to a point normally less than 5 minutes from the office. We had to go by a devious route and I was soon quite lost. We saw appalling destruction of small houses, street shelters, a church quite flat, but I was told the casualties were not large because so many people had fled to the woods and hills.
The baby seems more conspicuous, especially after meals, tho’ apart from fatigue due to lack of sleep I am very well. I bought some calcium tablets today. On Sunday night at the height of the bombing Mrs Hay said, ‘I do feel very sorry for expectant mothers.’ ‘Especially in the late stages,’ I said. She said, ‘No – more dangerous in the early stages, before the child is fully formed!’ I wrote to Loach yesterday about Enniskillen giving a strong hint of the real objection. I gave Reville a copy but he made no comment on this at all. He was quite cordial and sympathetic, but, ‘just bad luck your name came up in conjunction with a vacancy there’. He didn’t want to come himself and it cost the Treasury over £200 to move him, not counting the heavy expense he had which was not refunded.
FRIDAY 9 MAY
Today the inconveniences following the raid were more in evidence than ever. Some of our building had to be vacated because adjacent buildings were being dynamited. Water has been turned off in the city all day as well as being still off in Sydenham. Gas was turned off in the city so that I had to have a sandwich and a glass of cold milk for lunch; traffic was more congested than ever. As against this, gas at Sydenham has reappeared; it was cold all day so that I sat in my thickest coat and was still not warm. I spent most of lunchtime visiting the Food Office to ask where I get my cheese, bacon and jam rations now that Bank buildings had been destroyed. I was given 4 alternative shops and got some bacon after a long wait at Liptons. Also, for the first time since reaching Ireland, I managed to get lamb cutlets as my meat ration.
Queuing for rations
WEDNESDAY 14 MAY
The landing of Hess in Scotland has provided one of the few comedies of the war, quite apart from its importance as a symptom of Nazi dissension or its practical use to us.
I have been applying for an exit permit to visit England as delegate to the AGM. Cartwright saw Headquarters and gathered it would be granted, so I had to do the formal part. The local police station is in an area roped off. They told me I could write now as I should get it, but this seemed too Irish to depend on, so I went to another police station at lunchtime and after a long tale persuaded them to give me a form which I completed and delivered to the local police station tonight.
THURSDAY 15 MAY
A letter (of 9th) from the family tonight. They hadn’t had my letter punctually either so we are making the same moan. NI centre meeting at 4.15 – 12 people there and I was chosen representative to the AGM. We went through the agenda and discussed it. At the end Miles, in the Chair, made a nice little speech welcoming me as the first woman in NI. Rather sweet of them and it illustrates the difference in the large membership, with its virtual anonymity, of the London centre and a small provincial centre where everyone knows everyone else.
FRIDAY 16 MAY
Letters this morning – a spate – from Rosa, Margot, ES, E and an OK card from Margot after last Saturday’s raid on London, Mass Observation and my permit to go to the AGM. A lovely collection. Reville chatted for 45 minutes this afternoon. He is not going to be rigid about leave and agreed when I said I shouldn’t apply for any next weekend, taking Good Friday on the Monday. He said he would wink at odd days or long weekends, tho’ he couldn’t put anything in writing, so long as the work didn’t suffer.
MONDAY 19 MAY
Sunny and really warmer today. Swallows were darting and squeaking over the houses at Sydenham and gnats flying. A letter from Loach in England, from which it is clear that I am for Enniskillen and no avoiding it. I am inclined not to try. But he says he is not clear whether I consider my health unfits me for charge of a district and if so can he have a medical report for consideration. I shan’t reply till McCreath has given his advice, also E, but the question is whether I ought to show it to Reville (who is going over this weekend and seeing Loach on Friday) and how much I should tell him. Have progressed with him quite a lot in the last week – talked to him for 45 minutes today. I have bought my ticket for London – £4.19.3d including sleeper. I seem to be bulging a lot today. I hope it won’t be noticeable at the weekend.
TUESDAY 20 MAY
Fine, but cooler today. Went for a walk round Circular Rd this evening with Mrs H. It was pleasant. The trees and gardens are lovely. Showed Loach’s letter to Reville. He thanked me but made no enquiry beyond confirming that I didn’t intend to suggest that my health would unfit me for charge of a district. I said I should reply to it, but not till I had seen McCreath at the weekend.
THURSDAY 29 MAY
A week’s gap – and what a week. I left Belfast on Friday at 5.20 and got back Wednesday at 11.20. The journey to London was tiring and not too comfortable though I was thrilled at every mile nearer. It took two hours crossing to Stranraer and it was a damp, misty evening with a NW wind blowing strongly. Reville and I had a pleasant but odd meal before we sailed – haddock and chips, toast, biscuits and jam and coffee. We went on deck as soon as we left and he looked rather green. I felt completely comfortable, though the crew said it was rough and the Princess Margaret certainly rolled most exuberantly. We left Stranraer about 10.40 and reached Euston about 10.20 on Saturday. The other three sleepers were occupied – one by a young woman who smoked too much and another by one with two small children. I didn’t get much sleep.
At Euston I rang up E and was so happy to hear his voice that I just stood and cried all over the phone box. I had already been worked up by the beauty of the country between Bletchley and Watford, so well known and full of associations. We arranged to meet at 11.50 as he had to be in the office since Osborne was at a committee meeting. I rang Margot up and talked a little and then went to Marble Arch to shop, but had no time to buy
anything. E and I had lunch at a Mecca in Cannon Street and then went on chance to Rina’s flat – he had not had my last letter so had made no arrangements with Elsie or Rina as suggested, but we were lucky – just caught her and she left us the flat to ourselves. We fucked for a lovely afternoon in her bed. I had not consciously wanted him since I left England, and I believe the physiological basis is altered, but it was lovely. He hurt me more than for ages but it was sheer ecstasy. ‘Not bad, considering we are out of practice,’ he said. In the middle the phone went. It was Elsie, so we were able to fix up with her.
Here the black came uppermost. Margot met me in the rain under the cliff. Rosa saw almost at once that I was bulging and I told her the truth. The shock was great and she was quite prostrate all the evening. Margot kept going from me to her and back. It was dismal for her. I felt awful as Rosa had prepared to celebrate my return and it seemed so awful. It was a relief to have Elsie there. Eventually we went to bed. I heard 2.0 strike before I slept and I was awake at 7.0 and saw Rosa for an hour. She was still upset and seemed to have developed a cold. Elsie stayed till 11.30 and talked to Rosa. Both Rosa and Margot were grateful to her. I caught the 9.13 to the AGM.
It was my first experience and I found it interesting until I got sleepy about 4.0. The meeting began at 10.0 and finished at 5.0 with an hour for lunch and was at the Strand Palace Hotel. King was very good in the chair – strong but good-humoured – witty and very skilful at guiding the arguing in the direction desired by the committee. He could say devastating things without rousing bad feeling. Quite a number of young members made interesting and good speeches. I saw Brennan and had lunch with the other women – Ellis, Le Huquet, Preston. I like them all especially the last 2. They were most sympathetic about NI. I saw Reville for a minute and he told me the transfer letters would be issued this week.
McCreath caught me at the beginning of the interval and said he had written as he was not certain whether I could get to London. He said that he had told King about me and the 2 of them had seen Bradford last week. Bradford was surprisingly broadminded and said if I could avoid any scandal inside and outside the office a broad view would be taken of medical certificates and I should get a long period of paid sick leave. If there was a scandal it would be unpaid sick leave. McCreath said if he laid down this condition he must see that I was in a district where there was every chance of carrying it out. He agreed and McCreath has written to Loach saying he has seen Bradford and I must not be given a district yet and I have good ground for being moved back to London. McCreath said, ‘What about the city?’ and this took a load off my mind, especially the assurance that at worst I should not be dismissed or have to resign. McCreath has done very well – ‘a pretty problem you gave us this time’, he said. He and King thought I had done the best thing in writing to the Association. He said that while he did not agree with my view he fully admitted my right to act on my own judgement. Bradford apparently insisted on treating it as an unfortunate accident. People find it easier to condone this than a deliberate decision.
The office newsletter had an announcement on leave which gave a little more latitude, so I stayed another day. On Monday I went to town and shopped with Margot in the morning. After coffee I went to Treasure Cot and bought a maternity belt, surprisingly light and comfortable at 20/5d; a brassière (they had only one – I have to order another) at 7/11d; a 2 piece, light frock and sleeveless coat, 5 and a half guineas, nigger brown with a squiggly cream pattern over it, quite office-y and comfortable. Then to lunch at Guy Pearce with E. The girl remembered me quite well. It was lovely to see him again and he was relieved at the official news. After lunch I went to see Dr Malleson. She was cordial and surprised to see me, gave me a urine test and one for blood pressure and said I was very good. She approved of my belt but said I shouldn’t carry the baby flatly. I was bigger now than some people a month later! She was most interested to hear about the department and told me to write to Queen Charlotte’s now about having the baby there. It is at Hammersmith and she did not think raids were much risk. She asked about Rosa.
After this I went and bought a ring at Woolworths (as I intend to tell Mrs Hay I am married, since I shall hope to stay here till I go to England). To Selfridges and bought The Single Handed Mother with no trouble. I met E at Victoria for tea and caught the 6.10. Rosa expected me before and seemed disappointed in spite of the fact that I seemed to make her worse when I was there! But she picked up a bit in the evening, tho’ on Tuesday morning she seemed worse again. I was afraid I shouldn’t be able to lunch with E, but I told her I wouldn’t and she made me go. So we had another lunch. Saying goodbye was not so bad this time. I met Rosa and Margot at London Bridge and we went to Euston, had tea there and caught the Stranraer train at 4.50. The journey was excellent. Rosa decided to go to Largs with Margot and they came to see me on the boat. She was much better in spirit and quite enjoyed her dinner on the train and a cup of tea at Wigan. Her cold was in her throat, but otherwise she seemed better. It is excellent for her to be going away. The change should do her good physically and she will be away from Purley and prevented from doing anything on the spur of the moment which she might regret.
I dawdled on the train and so missed the queue for permits and luggage on the boat and had no trouble. I had a good breakfast and went on deck. I got chilly after a time and went down to the saloon where I went soundly to sleep and did not awake till the crowd collected to go ashore! Mrs Hay was disappointed not to see Rosa but very cordial to me. I found quite a lot of work accumulated but I was so tired. It was a hectic weekend with a shortage of sleep and full of emotional heights and depths. But on the whole it was most profitable. I was glad to have faced the inevitable task of telling Rosa. I had done some essential shopping. I had seen Dr Malleson; best of all, I had the relief of knowing the official attitude and finding it better than I had hoped.
Last night we had an alert from 1.15–3.30 but no one heard anything and I was too tired to get up until things happened. Still tired, so I shall go to bed early. I still have the task of telling ES. E thought it would be too much to tell him to his face.
I spent £12 at the weekend in addition to the fare, £5! Cheap if it brings me 3 months paid sick leave!
SUNDAY 1 JUNE
At last we have had some summer weather, yesterday and today. I have just basked in the garden in a cotton frock without stockings. Have told Mrs Hay I am married but have to keep it dark for my job, also about the babe. She was quite thrilled but couldn’t understand how I could be so well during the first half.
No letters yet. I have written to ES.
FRIDAY 6 JUNE
At last a letter from E. He did not write till last Friday but it took till last night to reach me. Letters from Rosa and Margot yesterday. Rosa still seems very upset, tho’ she seems to be making an effort to hitch this next experience on to something she knew before. She compared it to Guinevere in Tennyson and Hawthorne’s Scarlet Letter. She has written to E what Margot calls an exclamatory letter.
TUESDAY 10 JUNE
A queer ‘turn’ this morning – the worst I have had since the baby began. I awoke in the night and felt slightly sick, but nothing happened and I slept after perhaps 45 minutes till Mrs Hay called me. Then I felt very queer – just general malaise, not very sick, not a violent headache, but not at all good. I staggered dizzily to the bathroom to be handy in emergency and knelt on the floor but I couldn’t see. Everything seemed in a kind of brown dusk for a few minutes – then nothing more and I gradually felt better. I happened to see my face in the bathroom mirror and I looked very green so I loitered a bit till I got a colour so Mrs Hay would not notice. In 20 minutes I was actually eating bacon and drinking tea. I don’t know what it was – too big a dinner; too hot a bath; or just liver, but it is a warning not to be silly.
It has been chilly today but the sky cleared tonight and I walked for 35 minutes in the sun. Two nice letters yesterday – one most magnanimous from Salmon, on the lines of ‘t
ake care of yourself and good for you’. One from Elsie. This morning one from E, rather dismal, but I loved him for it. He hadn’t had a letter from me for a week so one of mine, at least, must be lost. He is more affected than one would think by Rosa’s letter. He thinks it is hopeless to expect reconciliation. Queen Charlotte’s will let me have the baby there.
WEDNESDAY 25 JUNE
I believe it is exactly a year since I got my promotion and what a year! E’s letter did not get to me till today and I had a letter from Rosa that made me weep. Feeling quite fit but rather melancholy. I wrote a nasty letter to E yesterday. There is more work to do in Belfast 1 and I get more interruptions. Raper and Miss Harrison are regulars and this afternoon Miss Mathers and Miss Ray. She is attractive and good looking and I liked her. She knows Miss Rogers. She has a boy 6 months old. She worked up to a fortnight before and began again 6 weeks after but she is taller than me and of course there was no urgent need to conceal it.