by Doreen Bates
SATURDAY 28 JUNE
I have been rather depressed most of the week but better today. I think the root cause is Rosa. She replied to my ‘tactless’ letter, making an effort and being rather sweet, but it indicated the gulf between our views. I have read it twice and it has made me cry each time. The last 2 letters I had from E did not decrease my depression and I fear I wrote him 2 rather dismal letters this week. He expects so much of me and takes everything for granted. It is partly an inability to let himself go, partly the conflict in his mind, but I feel he should make an effort now, if at all. Also, it may be partly Rosa again as her letter did upset him. Anyway, the old dismal circle was revived in my mind – K and E and Me till I could have wept. I felt worst in the office – in the evenings I listened in and sewed and knitted.
Today Mrs Hay came home elated, with 9 lemons, 2 or 3 pairs of stockings, 1lb of marmalade, some chocolate and ham from Eire! Their weather was better than ours and they managed to do quite a lot in the week.
MONDAY 30 JUNE
This morning I had a letter from McCreath saying he supposed I hadn’t had a transfer letter yet but he thought that satisfactory arrangements had been made. Most tantalizing! More serious – he was sorry that the question of pay on sick leave was not so clear as Bradford had told him. The Treasury was considering the question of principle and the Board would have to follow their ruling, so I may not get paid. Anyway, he finished up by saying that tho’ a special visit was unnecessary he would like to see me ‘when I was next in London’. Does this mean I am being moved to London? Or does he mean when I am on leave (sick or ordinary)? Cremin came to see me and said he would prefer Enniskillen to Belfast 8. He is now on HO relief. He said he thought Reville was a bit cross at his plans being upset.
TUESDAY 1 JULY
Very busy today. I dictated for over an hour, saw 2 accountants (one this morning about a coal merchant’s EPT and one this afternoon on a minor enquiry). I didn’t feel so good either. Early this morning I woke up and felt rather queer. After a time I got up and lit a candle but could hardly see it – another dizzy attack. I knelt on the floor as before and sat on my heels and eventually my eyes cleared and I felt better, but what causes it in the middle of the night? I looked at the time after I recovered – 5.45! It is similar to, but lasts longer than, the dark giddiness you get after stooping to weed, say. All day my head has felt a bit heavy, otherwise quite fit.
SUNDAY 6 JULY
Have had one letter from E since Thursday week, a letter of 24/6, then one of 28–29/6. Yesterday Margot’s letter said he had forgotten to lunch with her last week. I was quite dismal and cried most of the afternoon. I suppose there is nothing the matter with him, but if not it is inconsiderate. He can’t do much – less than most fathers – but he doesn’t do even that. And at the moment he is having a better time than either me or Margot. I decided to write him a short note to the office and then not write again. Felt better after posting it and going for a short walk in the rain.
TUESDAY 8 JULY
My move arrived this afternoon – London HO relief – to report at Somerset House on August 14th. Reville came in 3 or 4 minutes before my letter arrived and pulled my leg by saying ‘Dumbarton 1, in charge’! It is convenient for me as it is cheap living here and gives Margot time to look round in London.
WEDNESDAY 9 JULY
I think the flutter I have felt very faintly for 3 weeks or a month (and thought must be tea or something squeezing past a narrow place in my inside) is the baby. It is so uniform and is more and more frequent. I am not sure I didn’t feel the heart beat this evening. This, combined with my move back to London, has given me a kind of quiet thrill all day. It is a reassurance to feel the child move – a kind of assurance that it (or nature) is doing its share, that the miracle has begun and is continuing.
THURSDAY 10 JULY
Feeling better today. Everyone was out so I played the piano this evening. Also had letters from home and from E this morning. I wrote to and liked him better than I have for a week. I begin to think that the emotional cyclone of last weekend was physiological in origin. I wrote him quite a cordial letter – even though he is beginning to prepare to spend all his leave with K.
Very nice letter from Margot, which has glowed in my mind all day. I don’t know what I should do without her, especially now when Rosa cannot resist digs at me in every letter.
SUNDAY 13 JULY
The post has been very poor, but yesterday I had a surprise delivery – a brassière from Treasure Cot (opened by the censor!). Letters included ones from Ella, ES, A Paul. E had just got 4 of mine, all on the 7/8 of July. The worst was mine of the 17/6, delivered the 7th July. He consoled me by saying it was a nice letter which didn’t suffer from its delay!
We are having a Centre meeting next Thursday instead of only one a year, as the committee is trying to stir up interest. I shall have to go and just hope no one observes my bulge because they want me to say something about promotion machinery (having had the most recent experience of struggling for my HG).
SATURDAY 19 JULY
I have been slack at the office and consequently bored. Went to the Centre meeting on Thursday. It was intended to rouse more interest on current topics among the rank & file. Quite an interesting meeting – nine people there.
SUNDAY 20 JULY
I dreamed on Friday night for the first time that I remember about the baby. I was holding him by the hand – about two to two and a half, a lovely child with wide mouth and wide dark eyes, dressed in jade shantung knickers and blouse and a linen sun hat. I wore a wide hat and it was a sunny day with holiday-ish atmosphere. A voice (sounded like a woman’s, but don’t know whose) said, ‘It is quite all right to take him to Egypt now.’ It was connected in my mind with the flight into Egypt. A very vivid, detailed dream.
SUNDAY 27 JULY
I have been busy packing my trunk and 2 big suitcases. It is a thankless job especially on a hot day but I did it with more pleasure than when I came to Belfast. First I had to note for E the censor numbers and sort my letters.
THURSDAY 31 JULY
Raid on London on Sunday night. I was relieved to hear from Rosa and Margot today. Expected to hear from E but I suppose the post is bad. Margot wrote a long letter – she has found a woman who might come and look after the baby who sounds most promising. I have written to her. To get this settled would be a great advantage and she sounds the right type. I hope I can afford it.
SUNDAY 3 AUGUST
My permit arrived on Friday morning – very quick. It seems hard to believe I have only 10 more nights here. A letter from Margot came yesterday afternoon – Mary Roney offers to share a flat with me. This was an offer Margot jumped at and E jumped at. In fact, Margot said she had never seen him so pleasantly relaxed as at the lunch when she told him about it. There is a lot to be said for it and I always wonder when I have lunched with her why I don’t see more of her; also, it would help with expenses.
SATURDAY 9 AUGUST
An exciting, mixed day. At 10.45 Margot phoned. She booked the call from Purley last night and got through quite quickly this morning. It was lovely to hear her. She is deciding this afternoon with Mary between two places: one in Earls Court Road and one in Cromwell Road. She said the censor from NI had eased off and consequently letters have been coming more quickly. They have even had my last Tuesday’s. So I wrote another today.
This morning I fell over. The first time (and I hope the last time) since the baby began. Skidded on a small mat in the hall and just sat down plonk. I don’t think any harm was done but Mrs Hay rushed out very concerned. I was relieved to feel the baby flutter afterwards, as if to say ‘Be careful of me!’
SUNDAY 17 AUGUST
What a week! I can’t remember much before Wednesday. The office at Belfast was very sweet to me and I don’t think they can have suspected anything. I treated them to cake for tea on Tuesday, and on Wednesday morning the women took me out to coffee and gave me a magnificent buttonhole of
2 roses with asparagus fern. Then Miss Harrison and the typists gave me a very nice hankie as a memento of Belfast! I met Mrs Hay at 4.0 and we had tea at the Carlton. She had brought two of my suitcases and saved me taxi-ing all the way. I then went back to say goodbye to Reville (he had a typist there so I couldn’t discover how much he knew!), Hardie, Williams, Raper, Robinson and the typists who came down to put me in the taxi. So to York Rd station and goodbye to Mrs Hay.
The train went at 5.50 with the wind howling and the rain beating, but before we reached Larne the rain had stopped and the sun came out, and there was a glorious rainbow. I was rather nervous about the crossing but decided to have high tea (tea, toast and marg, fish and chips!), anyway thinking it would be better to be sick on something than nothing. Before I had finished, the cups were skidding about. I crept cautiously up on deck holding on all the way and found a seat. It was deserted except for a few tough men tottering about. Once settled I knew I should be all right. It was easily the roughest crossing I have had, at any rate in a small ship. I heard it was blowing at 60 miles an hour, but it was magnificent. The sea was vivid jade green and navy blue, covered with white horses, and against the precipitous Scots coast we could see the waves dashing high like a deep scalloped lace border. I had a sudden overpowering feeling of exhilaration which made me want to sing with happiness – something blatant or raucous like ‘Land of Hope and Glory’!
This exaltation lasted all the way to Stranraer but evaporated in the long and tiring business of getting ashore. It was still blowing hard and we had to queue on the deck for censor’s examination. He didn’t look at my luggage but went through every single thing in my handbag except one or 2 censored letters from England. Finally I found my sleeper and the train went at 11.0. I didn’t sleep at all well and the baby didn’t like the train as much as the rough crossing. I was glad when morning came. I had a cup of tea and my sandwiches. It was a lovely summer day and the country between Rugby and Watford looked beautiful.
We reached Euston at 10.40. I cloaked my luggage and phoned E and Margot; arranged to lunch with them at Kennington; had some coffee and bought a paper; phoned Rosa and so to lunch; it was lovely to see E and Margot. They both arranged to come to Kensington after tea to show me my room (Mary is away all next week, and is not joining me till Monday week).
I went to Somerset House and saw Davenport – had an entertaining hour’s chat. He doesn’t know the facts and pumped me hard, obviously intrigued at my return to London. I was glad to hear I was to go on relief to St Marylebone, to McCreath. He offered me a tin hat (but then found the man who keeps them was not there). He gave me heaps of instructions and a cup of tea and I set off for St Marylebone office, which is now at the Bond Street end of Grosvenor Street.
McC was very cordial and made great efforts – gave me a room to myself (in spite of protests from Notting Hill who use it to play pingpong!). Selected a very discreet typist, asked me what type of work I’d like and gave me the Met Electric Supply Co and its subordinates to browse over. It is a big job as it needs re-working back to 1934/5. He heard from Bradford on Friday that the Treasury have decided on sick leave without pay. I heard the story: a woman clerk is having a baby (unwillingly) and went to their association for advice. Houghton sent her to Miss H, the woman Establishment Officer (appointed solely to protect and watch the interests of the women in the department!). She said Sick Leave without pay. Houghton wasn’t satisfied and went to Bradford who said Sick Leave with pay. Miss H got on her high horse and went to the Treasury who, after consideration, supported her. Bradford is cross, partly on general grounds (he is sympathetic), partly because he has lost face! It is clear that nothing can be done inside the department. McC was very nice and said he could probably arrange a loan from the Benevolent Fund if necessary! E is inclined to advise me to agitate outside, tho’ he agrees with no pay, but disagrees with the discrimination against unmarried women. I shall go and see Dr Malleson this week and ask her advice. She has had some experience on agitation. I shall, of course, have to cut down the sick leave as much as possible. E says if I have 3 months, after deducting income tax, I shall have about £40 in the next 6 months!
This room is rather palatial and it is clearly expensive to live in London. It is on the second floor and has a private bathroom. Quiet; it looks out on trees and a church with no windows. There are a lot of gaps around and 3 of my 4 panes are gone. There is no means of cooking whatever, which is the main weakness. I may get an electric ring, tho’ one can order dinner in the morning. The rent, 37/6d per week, includes plain breakfast, light service, which is no more than the McIlroys’ flat. I can get to the office easily from Gloucester Rd to Green Park for 2d. Margot came for a picnic lunch yesterday and Rosa for tea after her art class. Both Rosa and I felt it to be an ordeal, I think. I found I was very tired afterwards, but it was better than we expected. She had made me a pasty. I rang them up today and Rosa asked me to go there next weekend after dark on Saturday and back on Sunday! Margot said she felt better this morning.
It is lovely to be in London again. Even Sunday in London has seemed enjoyable all on my own. I begin to unfold again and become myself – fixedly and unavoidably Cockney!
E says he would have known only my face. Margot says I do not bulge as much as she expected. Last night when I was putting cold cream on my breasts (in accordance with Dr Batten’s instructions) I noticed for the first time that there was just a hint of a milky secretion. I am rather relieved as this wasn’t noticeable at all till then. I hope it means I’ll be able to nurse the babe.
WEDNESDAY 20 AUGUST
Have worked quite hard this week and have now got the Met Electric Group as far as I can at this stage. It is lovely to be lunching with E again. We meet at Chancery Lane as in old days but have a solid lunch because I have a toast and tea breakfast and MacVita, cheese and salad supper. I lunch with WG tomorrow. When I phoned him he said, ‘How nice to hear your voice again.’ I go to see Dr Malleson at 5.0. Margot called on Monday and I had tea with her tonight but we don’t get long enough to talk properly. Rosa has invited me to go home on Saturday and stay till Sunday so perhaps that will help! Margot approves of E’s suggestion that besides Margaret we call the babe Miriam after his mother (if it is a girl).
FRIDAY 22 AUGUST
I have had a busy two days. Lunched with WG yesterday and told him of the baby! He said he was glad but was very severe about living in Kensington – read me a hair raising lecture about raids. He was entertained by the thought of Establishments. He has been doing wood carving and is in the middle of a novel about Wales after the Napoleonic wars. McC came in to see me and told me his wife is keen on a hospital at Barnet. He thinks I should take my two weeks ordinary leave beforehand. I went to see Dr Malleson at 5.0 and she tested my blood pressure and gave me a certificate to get coupons for baby clothes. This morning I went to Queen Charlotte’s. It was a lovely place (when I found it!) and is not finished. I saw the almoner (oldish but quite nice) and gave her the letter I had had. It was clear that the hospital had bungled. They are absolutely full up. She couldn’t find my letter of 30.5 and was rather dished when I read her a copy which stated all the facts – ‘Said I should come in August and asked them definitely to reserve a bed.’ She had two suggestions: I might try Westminster (but I should have to go to Woking) and there was a nursing home run by a Miss Ping, but she might not take me. She worked by rule of thumb and talked about the Welfare Officer with whom they usually put ‘unmarried’ girls in touch – but I didn’t seem to require that. I felt depressed and tired when I left her, because I liked the place. But one never knows. Hammersmith has had a good many bombs. I have written to Dr Malleson for advice in this situation. My new coat is good, but I grow larger with some rapidity. Dr Malleson was quite satisfied with physical condition.
MONDAY 25 AUGUST
I went home for the weekend on the 7.48 to Purley on Saturday and back by the 9.53 last night. It seemed so natural to be going to Purley, as tho’ I hadn
’t been away any time. I had lunch with E on Saturday as he was seeing Elsie who was in bed with flu. After lunch he came to my room for a while and Margot came straight there and stayed till we caught the train home. Rosa was quite sweet except for one short discussion on Saturday night which upset me so that I couldn’t sleep. Apart from this she was better. She made great efforts with the meals and we had quite pre-war feasts including clotted cream twice! She made Mr Zimmer’s favourite apple and almond tart for dinner yesterday and gave me buns to take back. She even went to church so that Margot and I could have a chance to talk (Margot had a headache and went to sleep actually!).
McCreath told me today that the place at Barnet is full.
Have worked quite hard. McC gave me Marylebone Council accounts on Saturday and today one of Chaplin’s EPT cases to check.
MONDAY 1 SEPTEMBER
It is difficult to keep this up at present. Mary arrived last Monday and when we have both been in we have done a lot of talking. It is odd how we make each other talk. I suppose because we are interested in the same things and she has different and interesting experience and an independent mind.
First, about the confinement, Dr Malleson gave me a strong note to the almoner and told me to try again. I did. They were rather more communicative.