After It's Over

by Alstead, Michelle

  “Beth? As in your ex-girlfriend?” Paige felt her mouth drop open; she quickly closed it.

  I think my head is going to explode. Or I may very well have a heart attack. We’ve been married for a year!

  “We’re friends. She accepts me, and she’s going through a rough time in her marriage.”

  “I don’t care about Beth! I care that you’re never around when I need you, and that I’m raising your three kids by myself. This is not what I signed up for!”

  Paige set the dish on the counter and folded her arms across her chest. She rubbed her head and waited for what she hoped would be an apology.

  “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this!” Ben turned around and headed toward the front door.

  “Don’t walk away from me!” Paige followed him.

  Ben didn’t answer. He yanked the front door open and slammed it shut behind him. Her mouth hanging open, Paige stared at the closed door. Tears sprang to her eyes. She’d hope that Ben would offer up an apology for not doing his job as a husband and father, or at least stay and fight with her.

  Fighting would have shown that he cared a little.

  Ben left Paige with a feeling of rejection, one that was all too familiar.

  CHAPTER TWO

  Paige took a step back and realized she’d lived this scene once before.

  Two years ago, I was the one who slammed the door.

  That moment had shifted her life off one track and onto another. Blindsided by a painful rejection, she’d reacted badly and made hasty decisions that she’d been paying for ever since.

  Matt.

  The very thought of his name made her angry all over again.

  He practically ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped it into pieces. Ben reminds me so much of him. Why didn’t I see it sooner? Because I didn’t want to.

  Tears fell as waves of frustration and anger washed over her. Memories bubbled to the surface. Powerless to stop them, Paige was yanked into the past.

  ***

  Summer had just ended and fall was beginning to show in the colored leaves that lined Paige’s quiet street. The temperature had dipped, but not enough to warrant turning on the old furnace barely clinging to life in her basement. She opted instead for a fire in her antique fireplace and the cozy feeling of being curled up on the couch in her happy, little home.

  Every Tuesday night for two years, she’d eaten Chinese takeout and watched a movie with Matt, her fiancé. That night he had texted at the last minute that something had come up and he’d be late if he made it at all. Matt hadn’t answered when she’d pressed for details as to why he’d canceled for the second week in a row.

  Lately, he’s been bailing on most of our plans without much notice.

  Paige ignored the tightness in her chest and the nagging feeling that her fiancé was no longer interested in being with her.

  Okay, so he’s missed a few dates, and he’s slow to return my calls. But we’re getting married. It’s completely feasible that he’s just working really hard so he can take time off for the wedding and honeymoon. Isn’t it? I don’t know. He’ll be here soon and we can talk about all of it. Talking always makes it better.

  The clock on the wall was slow to tick off the minutes.

  This wait is killing me! I need to talk to him. I need to hear that he still loves me.

  Matt wouldn’t answer his phone, so Paige was left to wait, wonder and stew. Needing a distraction, she decided to do one last review of the seating chart for their wedding reception. She nibbled on takeout and poured over the final arrangements while reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond played on the television. Paige tried to focus, but it was hard to make sense of something as trivial as who sat next to whom when it felt like the wedding was about to implode. Still, she reviewed the guest list and contemplated whether to put her boozy aunt Aida at a table with Matt’s parents or in the back with several middle-aged men. In the end, she decided her aunt would find the men entertaining and might even drink less.

  As the evening progressed, Paige found herself staring glassy-eyed at the clock on the wall. Where is he? As hard as she tried to ignore the pit in her stomach, she knew it wasn’t just the missed dates that had tied her gut into knots. Matt had been distant lately, even overly cordial and she couldn’t remember the last time he’d touched her.

  It’s just cold feet. It’s normal to have doubts. I have a few of my own…

  Paige called Matt’s cell phone again, but he didn’t answer. She sent him a terse text message asking him for an explanation. A few minutes later, he replied saying he was on his way over. She should have felt relieved or even happy at the thought that the man she loved was coming to see her, but she didn’t feel either of those things. Overcome with dread, Paige sensed the dark cloud of tension that had been hanging over them for weeks was about to burst. With a sigh of trepidation, she put the takeout away and changed the television station. King of Queens was on by then, and she wasn’t a fan.

  Ugh. I shouldn’t have eaten. My stomach is killing me.

  Two sitcom re-runs, there was a knock on the door. Paige knew it was Matt by the short rapping sound. She was annoyed by the impatient knock and angry that she’d wasted her evening waiting around for him. She wanted to stomp over to the door, throw it open and demand to know why he was treating her so badly.

  If this is what he’s like when we’re engaged, what’s he going to be like after we get married? If we get married…

  Matt pounded on the door, but Paige ignored him. She wanted to be composed, not crazy and desperate, when she faced him. Several deep breaths helped quell the urge to yell at him, but then a horrifying thought struck her. The hair on the back of her neck stood up as she looked at the door.

  He knocked rather than letting himself in with his key. He didn’t come over to talk. He came over to end things.

  Paige wasn’t sure she could live without Matt. He wasn’t perfect, or Prince Charming for that matter, but her life revolved around him and without him—she’d be empty and alone again.

  Matt loves me. He isn’t going anywhere. I’m just being paranoid.

  He called her name through the door. Paige drew another deep breath and opened it. She shuddered as she let the cold air in. Matt's face was blank as he stood under the flickering porch light. Paige leaned in to kiss him, but he turned away. He took her hand and squeezed it; there was a look of cold detachment in his eyes.

  “Matt?”

  You’d think he was a door-to-door salesman and not my fiancé.

  He cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his black hair. His voice was barely audible. “I can't do this.”

  “You can't do what exactly?” Her chest tightened and her stomach churned.

  He has to say it. If he’s going to destroy my life then he can at least say it out loud.

  “This,” he said. Matt pointed to her and then to himself.

  Beads of sweat formed on his upper lip and he anxiously rubbed his neck in one particular spot. Paige couldn’t be sure, but it looked like he had a bruise there.

  Or maybe that’s a hickey? I did not give him a hickey.

  The knot in her stomach became a lump in her throat.

  “I don’t understand.” Paige heard the words coming out of his mouth, but she couldn’t comprehend them. She had loved almost every minute of their time together and had relished the idea of a future together. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. If there was one lesson she had learned from her dead mother, it was that she should never cry in front of a man, especially if he made her want to cry.

  “What did I do wrong, Matt?” Paige’s lips trembled. She bit into her lower lip to keep from crying.

  “Nothing. You’re great. Look, it's me.... not you. I'm just not ready....” He shifted from one foot to another.

  He wants to get away from me.

  “Not ready for what? Marriage? We could postpone the wedding.” Paige exhaled slowly to keep from sobbing.

  What am I saying?
I don’t want to postpone anything. I just want to be with Matt.

  “No, I don’t want to do that,” his voice was sharp and swift like a surgical knife making its first incision.

  Paige stared at him, words escaping her. A sob escaped despite her best efforts to hold it in.

  Why didn’t I see the end was coming? How could this be happening just weeks from our wedding?

  “What changed? Six weeks ago I was the love of your life.” She wiped away the tears that slid down her face.

  “My feelings aren’t progressing like I expected.” Matt stared at his feet. His loafers were suddenly the most interesting things on the planet.

  “Huh?” Paige sniffled. “What does that even mean?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” He cleared his throat. “Look, you’ll find someone else. Someone who doesn’t want kids. There’s no need for us to drag this out.”

  “Is that what this is about? The doctor said I might not be able to have kids. He wasn’t absolutely positive that I’d never be able to have them! Besides, you can’t even keep a houseplant alive. What makes you think you could be a father?”

  Matt recoiled. “I…” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked up at the sky. He let out a loud sigh.

  He’s lying. He’s using the one thing that worries me the most against me, and it’s just a pathetic excuse to end things.

  “You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me.”

  Matt shrugged. Paige searched his face for a sign that this was causing him even an ounce of the gut-wrenching pain she felt. But there was no pain in his expression, just an anxious desire to finish his business and leave. He glanced over his shoulder at his car. Paige followed his eyes and her mouth fell open. The car was parked under a streetlight, which made it easy to see the busty, blonde sitting in the passenger seat. The woman smiled and waved at him.

  “Who is that?” Paige demanded. Her hand shook as she pointed to the car. Anger surged through her body.

  I’m going to have to tell my family and friends that I just got dumped practically at the altar because my fiancé was cheating on me. This is the most humiliating moment of my life.

  “Um, she’s a friend,” Matt replied.

  Paige gritted her teeth. It's not you, it's me. Those words echoed through her mind.

  “You’re dumping me for her, aren’t you?”

  “No, we’re just friends.” His words were hallow, the hickey on Matt’s neck confirmed her suspicions.

  Without a second thought, her hand flew up from her side, and Paige slapped him squarely across the face. Matt stepped back, stunned.

  “I loved you when I didn’t want to love anyone. You chased me and convinced me to let you in. Then you said if I would just do this or that, I’d be the perfect girl—the girl you’d always wanted. I spent hours at the gym to lose weight I didn’t have to lose. Do you have any idea how hard I worked for you?”

  All those hours at the gym. Where was Matt while I was working my butt off? Probably with her!

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? I bailed you out of debt and helped you get your business to where it is now. I have been there for you every minute of every hour for the last two years.”

  “I know. You were a great girlfriend.”

  Were. You were a great girlfriend.

  “Well, I’m also a lawyer and you, pal, are going to have to pay me back now.” Paige folded her arms across her chest; she stared into Matt’s eyes and dared him to walk away from her.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

  “I wrote you a check. I had to borrow some of it from my dad, but it’s all there. Every dime you lent me. I’ll also cover all the wedding deposits that you can’t get refunded.”

  Paige took the check, her knees felt weak. She stared at the numbers above Matt’s signature.

  He’s really doing this. He’s really leaving me.

  “You said that if I ever broke up with you – you’d never take me back. Walk away from me now, Matt, and we’re done for good.” Paige folded her arms and held her ground.

  Matt looked at his feet for a long moment before finally making eye contact. The look in his eyes said it all. Paige yanked her engagement ring off.

  “I really am sorry,” he said.

  “No, you’re really not. Here!” She held out the ring.

  Matt looked at it, raised his hand tentatively to grab it, but held back as if he were afraid of being bitten by a snake.

  “Go ahead. I wanted a round cut, not a Marquis. I never even liked this ring.”

  Who am I kidding? I loved that ring.

  Matt snatched it from the palm of her hand. Just as he opened his mouth to speak again, she slammed the door in his face. Paige flipped the lights off, bolted the door and waited for the sound of his feet descending the front steps before she sank to the floor. She sobbed uncontrollably.

  With Matt, Paige had been content. He was easy to talk to, though they never had deep conversations. He was slow to laugh at her jokes, but always there when she needed help with the house. She’d loved his mom and looked forward to joining his family. She had wanted so badly to be part of a real family again, and now that was all gone. Once again, Paige was alone in the world. On her knees, she sobbed until her eyes were swollen and no more tears would come.

  Why am I crying over him? I didn’t love him nearly as much as my high school sweetheart, Kade. I should be with him and not crying over a guy who spends more on hair products than he does on groceries. I wish my mom was here.

  Her mother had always known how to make her feel better even in the worst of times. She used to say “I made you, so I can fix you.” Then she’d smile, hold Paige close and say that everything would be ok. When Paige was a child, those moments seemed so insignificant, but now, alone in the dark, they meant the world to her.

  If only I could have her back for a few more minutes.

  ***

  If Matt hadn’t cheated on me, would I have been so willing to marry someone like Ben? Hmm…I don’t think so.

  Paige stood in the front room of her home and forced the memories of Matt back into her internal abyss of repression.

  Not much has changed since then.

  Her mother’s absence was still a constant ache in her heart, and she was in another unhappy relationship. Paige exhaled and wished for a time machine or, at the very least, a one way ticket away from her selfish husband and a clogged toilet.

  “Paige?” Bianca’s voice pulled her out of a fog.

  She looked at her stepdaughter; the young girl stood at the bottom of the stairs with an apprehensive look on her face.

  “What’s up?”

  “I’ve been calling your name for at least a minute. Didn’t you hear me?” Bianca asked.

  “Sorry, I was lost in thought.” Paige fought a yawn.

  It’s been a long day, and I have a divorce to contemplate. No more cheaters for me.

  “What was all that noise?”

  “I broke a few plates, but everything’s ok.”

  Well, kid, your father is most likely a cheating bastard, but let’s just smile and pretend it’s all-okay.

  “Oh. Where’s my dad?”

  “Um…he had to run an errand or something.”

  Bianca gave her a look that said she knew her father wasn’t out running errands.

  Paige forced a smile. “You ready to talk about the boy in your room?”

  “Nope.”

  “Okay…Did I ever tell you that I started college when I was seventeen?”

  Bianca shook her head and yawned.

  “Well, I did. I wanted to get out of my house as fast as I could. So I took extra classes, went to summer school, and graduated a year early. You know what my grandma said when I told her I was leaving?”

  “What’s your grandma got to do with anything?” Bianca frowned.

  She doesn’t know anything about my childhood or how my parents died for that mat
ter. This is not the time for that story.

  “I lived with my grandma for a year after my parents died.”

  “How’d they die?” Bianca asked.

  Paige briefly looked away, unsure of how to answer.

  “It doesn’t really matter. The point is that my grandma said I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to grow up because the faster I grew up, the sooner I’d have to take on adult responsibilities.”

  Bianca rolled her eyes. Paige reached out and touched her arm.

  “My grandma was right. Once I stopped being a kid, I couldn’t go back. I was stuck with a job, rent and all the other not-so-fun stuff adults deal with,” Paige explained.

  “Whatever.”

  “Bianca, there are some decisions that always come with consequences. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  The young girl rolled her eyes again.

  “Okay, I give up.” Paige smothered her own frustration and turned to face the mess on the kitchen floor. Pieces of broken plates were scattered everywhere.

  “Want some help?” Bianca asked.

  A real smile spread across Paige’s face.

  “I would love some help.”

  “Do you think we could make some cookies after we’re done?”

  “I thought you were gluten-free?”

  “Eh.”

  “Okay, cookies it is.” Paige followed Bianca into the kitchen.

  She looks older than fourteen. But still, she’s just a kid. There’s no reason to rush to a place that she can’t come back from. I wish I’d learned that. Things could have turned out so differently.

  CHAPTER THREE

  “Let’s do the dishes tomorrow,” Bev said. She stood on her tip-toes and peered into the dirty Kitchen-Aid mixer.

  Paige surveyed the damage. The kitchen was a mess. She’d let the girls make chocolate chip cookies, which meant there was flour from one end of the kitchen to the other. The sink overflowed with dirty utensils and mixing bowls. This is going to take some time to clean up. She looked at her watch. It was well past eleven and all three of her stepdaughters were still up.

  Oh, no. They have school tomorrow!