JUDGING ELLIE

by Catherine Snodgrass

  He sat across from Janie at dinner. Try as he might to give her his full attention, his steak held more interest. Each time he looked at her petite features, he compared her to the knockout he’d held in his arms earlier that evening. The memory sent hot blood racing through his veins, making him flush with heat. He was beginning to think Ellie had slipped him some sort of mind-clouding drug. She was a suspect in two cases, and his better judgment told him to stay far away, but his body knew what it wanted.

  If Janie, Helen, or Vic noticed his lack of attention, they were polite enough to keep it to themselves. Finally, they were back at Vic and Helen’s darkened house.

  Helen gave Janie a hug and offered her an oil lamp and a book of matches. "We’re going to call it a night. You two know where the guest room is." Then Kurt and Janie were left alone.

  "It’s been a long time." She struck a match, lit the wick, then set the lamp on an end table.

  "Sure has."

  With that comment, she stepped closer and pressed her hand to his chest. The memory of an oil-slicked caress intruded. Was it really fair to Janie to make love to her while pretending she was someone else? His libido screamed yes. Thankfully, his conscience and common sense prevailed.

  Kurt laced his fingers through hers and tugged her hand down. "I’m sorry, Janie. We both know it wouldn’t be right."

  She gave a soft, regretful laugh and nodded. "Not right, but awfully good."

  He kissed her forehead and stepped away. "Good night. It was good seeing you again. Enjoy the rest of your visit."

  "I will." She walked him to the door and shut it gently but firmly on his exit.

  Long strides took Kurt to his car. He was crazy, foolish, and in less than five minutes standing before Ellie’s door. So much for common sense. Without hesitation, he rapped the door, once, twice. It was insane.

  He heard footsteps approaching. The door opened only as far as the chain lock. All was dark expect for the candles that still flickered within. He got a glimpse of long, dark curls and swallowed hard.

  "Ellie, I—"

  "Not tonight, Kurt," she softly replied. "I got some rather bad news after you left. A friend of mine just died. I…I think I’d like to be alone for now. I’ll call you tomorrow."

  She shut the door without another word. Kurt leaned against it, breathing hard. Did she find the packet missing and suspect him? Did she have another liaison in there?

  What? What? What? his mind screamed. And it was all he could do to keep from breaking down the door to find out.

  Inch by inch he forced himself away. Tomorrow.

  * * *

  Ellie sagged against the door. It seemed like forever until she heard his car start up. The second he pulled away, the electricity flashed back on. She smacked off the light switch. Darkness was more appropriate for her grief.

  Maybe she was a fool to forgo the comfort Kurt’s arms offered. But their relationship was so new. The last thing he needed to deal with was her sorrow, her overwhelming guilt.

  A new flood of hot tears drifted down her cheeks. If she had only listened to Jeremy, taken the time to see him when he asked for help, maybe he’d be alive now. This was as much her fault as if she’d delivered those punishing blows.

  Susan. She should call Susan. Together they could support each other and maybe make sense of this. Hands shaking, Ellie dialed her friend’s number. All she got in reply was the answering machine. She hung up without leaving a message. Of course—her last minute plans. What was she thinking? Saturday night? Susan hadn’t spent a Saturday night alone since Ellie met her.

  She wandered through the house snuffing out the candles retrieved from Bernadette. The thought of installing a double dead bolt had its appeal. That would definitely tighten old Bernie’s jaw. Of course, the old bat would probably triple charge her for damage to her door. As far as Ellie was concerned, Bernie could keep the security deposit.

  Ellie trudged upstairs. A long soak in the tub had its appeal, but she was too weary to draw a bath. The oil lingering on her hands made her change her mind. She cranked on the faucets, wiped off the remains of her makeup, and stepped into the warm water.

  Afterward, wrapped in the warmth of a thick terrycloth robe, she slipped under her covers, Hades curled by her side and cried herself to sleep.

  In the morning, Ellie’s mood matched the foul weather outside. Grief over Jeremy’s death combined with lingering anger from the shouting match with Bernadette made for a throbbing headache. She crawled out from between her warm sheets, shuffled to the medicine cabinet, and gulped down a handful of aspirin.

  Downstairs, a certain four-legged feline meowed for breakfast, and rubbed around her ankles to ensure he couldn’t be ignored. Bowing to his demands, Ellie dumped some food into his bowl. Hades dove in like he hadn’t eaten in days.

  She wandered to the bay window and tucked herself on the bench. The sky was overcast, the usual pure blue of the desert sky sullied with ominous gray clouds. The wind had died down a bit, but persistent gusts scattered pieces of dead leaves and miscellaneous desert debris all over the yard. She let the drape fall and considered crawling back into bed.

  The thought of Jeremy’s battered body weighed heavily on her mind. Gut instinct told her it had something to do with that mysterious powder. She never should have taken it home. She should have given it to Jess Alderman immediately, not put it aside because she would be inconvenienced before a date.

  Once more her priorities were skewed. Kurt surely would have understood a delay like that, wouldn’t he? If not, then wasn’t it best to learn the kind of man he was before she got too involved?

  Ellie shut her eyes and leaned into the window. But she hadn’t bothered to test him. She was so intent on making her new relationship work that she’d shoved aside the welfare of a friend. The realization made her feel dirty, unworthy of herself.

  Trudging back to the kitchen, she started a pot of coffee then marched upstairs for a long morning shower. She always did her best thinking in the shower, and the past three days had given her a lot to consider. The stinging spray pounded against her skin and head, soaking her dark hair and weighing it down in ropy tendrils down her back. Clouds of steam billowed and caressed her body. Sighing, she lathered her hair with her favorite shampoo. The hot water enhanced the scent of almonds and cherry bark. It did little to lift her plummeting spirits.

  When she declared she wanted a change on her birthday, little did she realize it would be for the worst. Her whole character had shifted from selfless to selfish. And this thing with Kurt. She’d known him less than a day and already tumbled into sexual exploits she and Allan never considered in the few months they were together.

  Okay, so she hadn’t planned on having a sexual encounter with a stranger, but she sure didn’t say no or hesitate when the chance…arose. Ellie tried to tell herself it evolved out of their mutual attraction as well as her need to fill the emptiness in her life. Please. Who was she kidding with that Freudian claptrap? He was gorgeous and she was horny. Plain and simple.

  The word made her laugh. Desperate was a better term. She was so desperate for a change she’d do anything to institute one—even sleep with a virtual stranger. Her mother was right. Her little girl was going to hell in a hand basket.

  Ellie scrubbed her scalp with vigor, trying to remember all Kurt had told her about himself. He never said much about his personal life or his family. The one time he had mentioned his sister, the no trespassing sign had gone up in huge neon letters. Subjects like discussing Oscar-nominated movies or the best Chinese restaurant in the area had been the focus of their conversations, not where he was employed or what his telephone number was.

  His telephone number. She didn’t even have a way to contact him. Ellie ducked under the spray to rinse the suds out of her hair and shook her head, which served to get the last of the lather out of her hair as well as express her disbelief at her own stupidity. Last night she told him she’d call. She had no way to do so. Well, she�
�d wanted a test. This was it. If he were still interested, he’d call her. When he did, he was in for a surprise the next time they met. That stupid crimson wig was going back into its box, never to see the light of day again.

  Ellie smoothed conditioner into her hair, then reached for her body soap and washcloth. "Think, Ellie! You’ve got other things to worry about."

  Bernadette’s promise to not extend the condo’s lease surged to the forefront of her thoughts. Ellie wrung out her washcloth and slung it over the towel bar. She hated house hunting and abhorred moving. The idea of the base’s Bachelor Enlisted Quarters held little appeal. The rooms were barely larger than one big bedroom.

  One of the reasons she had specifically looked for a condo to rent once she arrived in Twentynine Palms was that her books took up a lot of room and the housing provided on base was spartan at best. Enlisted housing would mean that most of the collection would have to go into storage, and Ellie wouldn’t want to sacrifice Melville, Tolkien, and Faulkner to the disgusting creepy-crawlies that lived in storage sheds.

  Turning off the water, she stood a moment and dripped, feeling the chill air creep around the curtain and into her warm, steamy cubicle. Base quarters were definitely out. She’d start looking for another place right after Christmas.

  She finally dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a charcoal gray sweatshirt with ENTERPRISE emblazoned across the front, a gift from her father who worked as a civilian contractor for the Navy in San Diego. Seeing it made her lonely for the sound of his voice even though they’d talked just the other day. Still, a lifetime of events had happened since then. Talking with him might help her put things into perspective.

  God, how she’d loved having her father near. All those years apart. After the divorce, Ellie’s mother had made life so miserable for him it was easier for father and daughter to keep their visits within the constraints set by the custody settlement. Holidays and vacations. The second she turned eighteen, and Ellie was on her own, that ended. There was rarely a week that didn’t pass without them speaking and never a holiday without each other.

  Thankfully, her father had gotten past the pain of his first marriage and remarried. His new wife was an easygoing woman with three grown children. She owned a small jewelry store in San Diego’s Old Town. Some of Ellie’s best summer vacations had been spent exploring the beaches of Coronado Island and wandering the tree-lined avenues of Balboa Park. Who wouldn’t love a family like that? Her mother, that’s who.

  Ellie found the cordless phone, curled up in the middle of her bed, and dialed her father’s number. It rang three times before Dee picked up.

  "Hello there, sunshine," her stepmother said cheerfully. "How are things up in the high desert?"

  "Cold and windy." The honest affection in Dee’s voice choked Ellie with tears. "Is Dad there? I need to speak with him."

  "Sure thing, hon. Hang on and I’ll get him. He’s under the sink trying to unplug the garbage disposal. He’ll think you’re a heaven-sent reprieve." Dee laughed and set the phone down.

  Ellie heard a lilting "Nathan!" and had to smile. As traumatic as her parents’ divorce had been, it soon became obvious Dee was a better wife for her father, one that would make him happy, not nag him for every little fault.

  "Hello, Cookie!"

  Ellie grinned. She loved her father’s voice. People were always surprised when that deep baritone came out of his mouth. Nathan Severance was average height with pleasant features, but when he spoke, people gave him their attention.

  "Hi, Daddy, how are you?"

  "I’m fine, now I’m out from beneath that dratted disposal. Next time we have spaghetti, I’ll remember not to put the leftover pasta down the drain. Plugged the darn thing up like a bucket of cement. It’s been a real pain in the ass. I had to take the entire u-bend off."

  "Speaking of pains in the asses—"

  "How is your mother anyway?"

  Despite herself, Ellie laughed. "She’s on the rampage again, and if she calls you, I wanted you to be aware of what’s going on." Ellie proceeded to tell her father about the new cell phone and about Bernadette feeding her mother outrageous stories about Ellie’s private life. "And so, Daddy, I think Mother has some warped idea about what’s going on out here in Twentynine Palms and I think she’s going to blame it on your influence."

  He snorted. "She thinks I’m the cause of all her ills, both real and imaginary. Ah, well, nothing I haven’t dealt with before. I’ll be my charming self, let her get in a few insults, then remind her how much long distance costs. That usually gets her off of the line fast."

  "Thanks, Daddy."

  "Thank you, Cookie, for giving me the heads up. By the way, how’re you doing out there really? You don’t sound your normal chipper self. Birthday number twenty-eight still got you down?"

  "No, it’s…" You see, Daddy, I’ve made a botch of things. I’m not your sweet, little girl any more. I let a friend down and he’s dead just because I wanted to make love with a man I desired beyond all reason. "I just wanted to tell you about Mom, that’s all. Good luck with the disposal. Love you bunches."

  She waited for his farewell, then ended the call before her voice could give her away. Much as she wanted to talk to him, the words just wouldn’t come. It looked like she was going to have to sort out this mess herself.

  Ellie punched in Susan’s number once more, then disconnected. Sunday… Susan would be at work. Ellie remembered her complaining about it the other day. Poor thing. A former lover and good friend was dead. Susan would be a mess. Having to work would be doubly hard. This was one person Ellie wouldn’t let down. She grabbed her thick blue winter jacket and an umbrella from the peg behind the door and headed for the garage.

  The Naval Hospital was quiet that Sunday. Ellie walked through the main quarterdeck area up to the information window, and showed her military identification card.

  "I’m here to see Petty Officer Bolotnik. I know where she works."

  The corpsman on duty merely nodded and waved her on.

  Cutting through the lobby and walking along the main corridor, she passed the alcoves containing the chapel and the pharmacy. Aside from a harried mother waiting to fill a prescription for her sniffling toddler, there were no patients or penitents waiting.

  A sharp right turn took her down the long hall to the Outpatient Wing. Optical services, Obstetrics, and Pediatrics were located here as well as Susan’s current assignment, Family Practice. Ellie approached the civilian nurse at the desk and asked if Susan were on duty.

  The man was cheerful. Slow days were boring and the opportunity to chat up a friendly face was irresistible.

  "Petty Officer Bolotnik? Sure, she’s here today. I think she’s gone over to the records department to pull files for tomorrow’s appointments. She’s always over there on Sundays since we’re so slow around here. Says the busywork keeps her from going crazy."

  Ellie thanked him and made her way back along the hallway, this time turning into a small doorway just before the quarterdeck.

  She walked into the records office and glanced around. It didn’t look as if anyone was around. The clerks who usually staffed the area were gone for the weekend, and the on-duty ensign was nowhere to be seen. Walls of filing cabinets stretched around the corner to her left, so Ellie decided to take a chance and see for herself if Susan was around.

  She stuck her head around a corner and saw her friend crouched down at the end of the aisle, several brown medical record folders spread around her on the floor. She had an open folder in one hand and several papers in the other that she was peering at and frowning.

  Ellie took a step forward. "There you are."

  Susan shrieked and tipped backwards onto her bottom. The folders flew high and wide, scattering their papers everywhere like pigeons bursting into the air. Eyes dilated with shock, Susan glared up at Ellie.

  "Damn you, Ellie. What kind of a lousy trick was that? Shit!" She lurched to her feet and scooped papers off of the floor.
<
br />   "I was hardly quiet. You could hear my shoes squeaking all the way down the hall." Ellie bent over, grabbed a handful of papers off the floor, and tried to arrange them into an orderly stack by patient name.

  "Give me those!" Susan snatched them away. "They’re confidential."

  "Chill out." She took a moment, then tried again. "I heard about Jeremy. I thought you might want to talk."

  Susan’s face twisted with agony. "I know. Just go. I don’t want to talk about him right now. I could just…" She didn’t finish her sentence, just shook her blonde curls, set her jaw and continued her clean-up job.

  Ellie had never seen Susan so upset before. Maybe she knew how Ellie had let Jeremy down and blamed her for his death.

  "Susan, I’m sorry, I feel so guilty—"

  "Shut up, Ellie. Just shut up. I can’t deal with you or your stupid problems right now." She tucked her chin to her chest and continued to reorganize the folders.

  Hurt, Ellie backed away and left. Maybe with time they could repair the breach in their friendship. That didn’t stop regret from clogging her throat.

  Head down, she hurried from the building and smacked into someone coming in through the huge set of sliding doors.

  "Whoa there." Jess Alderman grabbed her elbows to steady her.

  Ellie fumbled for an apology. He waved her attempts aside with one large hand.

  "It’s all right. You’ve just lost a friend. I can understand the distraction."

  His warm smile helped ease her concerns. She offered a weak one in return.

  "Actually, I’m glad I ran into you," he said. "I was going to call you later anyway. I’m here to see if anyone might have visited him before his death, but since you’re a friend I thought you wouldn’t mind coming down to NCIS headquarters and trying to fill in some blanks for us."

  Finally, a chance to help Jeremy. "I was going to call you as well."