The List

by Siobhan Vivian

  She catches her breath as Andrew turns the corner of the field. When he sees her, he has on a huge smile. He is happy to see her. And she is happy to see his happiness. It means more than any corny line or awkward apology for the list. It is completely genuine.

  “Guess what,” he says, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “My parents left town. Some last-minute project thing.”

  Danielle’s eyes light up. “Oh, yeah?” Both her and Andrew’s parents are strict. It feels like forever since they’d had a chance to hang out alone and unsupervised, the way they had at Clover Lake.

  “We could order food and hang out for a while.” He threads his hand through hers. “I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you, too.”

  Danielle calls her parents and tells them she’ll be eating tacos over at Hope’s house. And then they take the path through the woods.

  As soon as they are inside his house, Andrew presses her against the door and places his mouth over hers. They kiss hard. They sink down to the rug in the foyer, and then lie all over the mail that’s been pushed through the slot in the front door. Danielle likes the intensity of Andrew’s touch, gripping at her shirt, trying to hold on to her in ways he never has before.

  She rolls on top of Andrew, trying to feel as sexy and powerful as the moment seems to call for. But something about this position intrudes on the moment. She feels so big on top of his body. She fears that she might be crushing him. Like she is the boy and he is the girl.

  “Do you want to stop?” he asks her. His hands pull away from her in slow motion. “What’s wrong?”

  She doesn’t want to say. But they haven’t even talked about it, not since that first day. Danielle sighs. “This list thing is so stupid.”

  He runs his fingertips up and down her arms. “Don’t think about it.”

  “How can I not think about it?” she asks, rolling off him. “How can you not?”

  He sits up and drops his head in his hands. “Game Face, remember?”

  Danielle doesn’t like where this is going. “That’s not what I mean. I can have the biggest, baddest, toughest Game Face in the whole world, but I still know people are talking about the list.” Andrew doesn’t say anything, so she goes on. “Are your friends still giving you crap because of me?”

  “It’s mostly Chuck. He gets everyone riled up. But that won’t last forever. I can take it.”

  She hates to think of Andrew getting teased on her account. Maybe their strategy of ignoring it isn’t helping. Maybe it is time they confronted the real problem. “You should punch Chuck the next time he talks about me.” Though Danielle is being serious, she gives a little grin. “Or maybe I will.”

  Andrew groans. “Oh, yeah. Great idea, Danielle. That would only make everyone think of you even more as a dude. Do we have to talk about this?”

  Danielle kisses him again. She tells herself that it doesn’t matter what Andrew’s friends think of her. All that matters is that she is a girl to him. His girl.

  She nervously guides Andrew’s hands back up to her shirt, curling his fingers around the hem and, with his help, she pulls it up over her head. She gives him a couple of seconds to go for her bra. When he doesn’t, when he just sits there staring at her, she reaches around for the hooks herself. Her hands are shaking so badly, they keep slipping, but she manages to get it off.

  Finally, Andrew starts to wake up. He reaches out and touches her where he never has before.

  Danielle closes her eyes and concentrates on feeling Andrew’s hands. She knows she is not a boy. But her boyfriend needs to be reminded.

  efore Jennifer gets out of the car, Dana and Rachel are there, beaming two sunny, excited smiles.

  “Oh, Jenn-i-fer!”

  “We’ve got more good news!”

  “Come on, you guys,” Jennifer says. She grabs her books and locks up. “I don’t think I can take much more.” When she turns to face them, Jennifer sees they are still wearing the VOTE QUEEN JENNIFER stickers. She’d thought it was just an idea they had yesterday for fun. Apparently, it is a thing.

  They walk toward school together. Rachel throws her arm around Jennifer and asks, “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

  “I think you know the answer to that,” Jennifer says. She keeps it light, coy. A joke that they all know the punch line to.

  Dana jogs a few steps ahead and then spins around so she can look Jennifer in the face. “Do you want to come to a party on Friday? Everyone’s going. The football guys, the —”

  “Wait,” Jennifer says. “I thought that the coach calls the varsity players on the night before a big game to make sure they’re home and not out partying.”

  Rachel shakes her head. “Total bullshit to keep the younger players in check. Anyhow, everyone will be there, and you’re going to be the guest of honor.”

  “Really?” A party. Such a little, inconsequential thing to probably everyone else at school. But it’s something Jennifer has always dreamed about. Although never, not even in her craziest fantasy, would she have cast herself as the guest of honor. “You’re not joking?” She’s thought this to herself several times a day over the past week, wondering when the rug would get yanked out from under her, when all these good things would evaporate.

  They reach the school steps. Dana pulls the door open and holds it for Jennifer. “We’re making it a whole ‘Vote Queen Jennifer’ event,” she says. “Like, we’re not letting anyone into the party unless they show us their homecoming dance tickets with your name written on the back.”

  Rachel leans in and whispers, “I don’t want to get your hopes up, Jennifer, but there’s a chance, a seriously good chance, that you’re going to be homecoming queen.”

  Jennifer gets goose bumps. How is it that so many of the people who’d been quick to put her down are now clamoring to hoist her up? It isn’t everyone, obviously. Jennifer knows that for sure. There are plenty of guys who still look at her as if she has no right to exist, if they even look at all. And some of the girls, too, mostly the younger, pretty ones. It’s as if Jennifer is threatening to ruin the sanctity of the homecoming institution by becoming queen. Like she’s a narc who’s going to bust up the party.

  And then, of course, there’s Margo.

  “Thank you guys both so much. I’m … I’m totally in. Where is it?”

  Dana says, “Margo’s house.”

  Jennifer stops and shakes her head. “No. Margo wouldn’t want that. She wouldn’t.”

  “She does,” Rachel says. “She told us so herself.”

  Dana says, “Margo suggested the idea! She’s given her blessing to the whole Queen Jennifer thing.”

  “I mean, she’s probably not going to be wearing a sticker,” Rachel quickly adds, her eyes bouncing between Jennifer and Dana. “That would be weird. Since, you know, she’s your competition.”

  Dana nods. “I know you two have had your issues in the past, but that’s all water under the bridge.”

  Jennifer looks at the two girls so happy and excited, wanting her desperately to believe this lie.

  Only Jennifer knows the truth. There’s no way.

  But Jennifer, much to her own relief and surprise, doesn’t care.

  “I’m so glad you’re coming!” Dana goes in to hug her, and Jennifer feels something get pressed onto her chest. When they pull apart, Jennifer sees a VOTE QUEEN JENNIFER sticker on her shirt.

  “Are you guys sure I should —”

  Rachel is nodding before Jennifer even gets out the words. “It’s good, I think, if people see that you’re cool with this.”

  Jennifer blinks. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  Dana pats her on the back. “Exactly. Alright, Jennifer. We’ll see you later.”

  She has clearly died and gone to heaven. Jennifer gets her books, hangs up her jacket, and closes her locker.

  But the voices in the hallway send her crashing back to earth.

  “I heard that every time Sarah takes a shit, she saves it in a pla
stic bag and she’s planning to throw it on the homecoming court.”

  “Oh my god. She’d get arrested for that, right? I mean, that’s a crime, isn’t it?”

  “Maybe they’ll cancel the dance. To keep us safe.”

  Sarah Singer.

  Funny that her biggest obstacle to a fairytale homecoming wouldn’t be Margo at all.

  Instead of heading into homeroom, Jennifer walks back outside. It’s cold there without her jacket. She hugs her books close to her chest to block the wind. It’s easy to find Sarah. She’s sitting on her bench. The boy who follows her around is next to her, his nose in a book. At first, Jennifer is nervous to interrupt them. But there’s too much on the line to be shy. She marches over.

  Sarah sneers up at her. “Why, hello, Jennifer.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  Sarah and her boyfriend share a look. As if Jennifer being polite was ridiculous. Sarah says, “It’s a free country.”

  Jennifer takes a deep breath, which she instantly regrets. She doesn’t know how Sarah’s boyfriend can handle sitting that close to Sarah. In fact, Jennifer could smell Sarah from a few feet away. “I heard you bought tickets to the homecoming dance. Is that true?”

  “Why? Are you asking me to be your date?”

  Jennifer wants to tell Sarah to screw off, but she knows that’s exactly the reaction Sarah is hoping for. The girl is all about trying to get reactions from people, and Jennifer won’t let herself fall into that trap. “I want to know if you’re planning a prank to ruin the dance.”

  “A prank? What kind of prank?”

  Jennifer hates how Sarah is so proud of herself, so smug. “I … I don’t know. Something to get even with everyone for putting you on the list? It’s why you smell so bad, isn’t it?”

  Sarah raises a hand to her open mouth, feigning shock. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m very excited for the homecoming dance. I already have my outfit picked out.” Sarah’s voice is proper and sweet, like a sitcom actress from an old television show. “And it’s rude to tell other people they smell, Jennifer. I would think you’d know that better than anyone else.”

  Jennifer rolls her eyes. “Look. You’re making a big mistake. Everyone’s going to hate you if you ruin the dance.”

  Sarah scoots up to the edge of the bench and leans forward. “I don’t care if everyone hates me. I hate them. I hate absolutely every single person in this school.”

  Jennifer takes a step back. This has been a mistake. There’s no reasoning with someone so blinded by anger. If anyone should be upset about the list, it’s Jennifer. Sarah has no right, being on the list for just one year. And if Sarah doesn’t care, like she says, then why is she so hell-bent on ruining everyone’s good time?

  “Fine,” Jennifer says. “But so you know, I’m telling Principal Colby about the things I’ve heard.” Her eyes go up to Principal Colby’s window. She hopes Principal Colby is in there right now, listening to this whole conversation.

  “Why are you so desperate to protect the dance, Jennifer? I mean, you don’t actually think you’ll be voted homecoming queen, do you?”

  Jennifer shifts her books from her left to her right, unintentionally revealing her VOTE QUEEN JENNIFER sticker.

  “Oh my god,” Sarah whispers, and pokes her boyfriend. “Look!” she says to him. “Look at her sticker! Oh, fuck, Jennifer, you really do! You’ve deluded yourself into thinking this is going to happen!”

  “You’re making a fool of yourself,” the boyfriend says.

  Jennifer stares Sarah down. “You’re just jealous.”

  Sarah starts laughing obnoxiously. It definitely isn’t a real laugh; Jennifer can tell. It’s a put-on, for show. Like the dyed-black hair and all the necklaces, the word UGLY, nearly unreadable, blending in with the dirt on her forehead. “Jealous of what? That I’m not the popular group’s ugly little mascot? It’s a joke, Jennifer. At your expense! You should be telling these people to fuck off. They’re using you. They’re laughing at you behind your back! They’ve treated you like shit for four years, and you’re basically giving them a free pass because they’re dangling some pathetic, rotten carrot in front of your face. It doesn’t matter if they give you a rhinestone crown or not. They all think you’re ugly.”

  Jennifer yells back, louder than she wants to. “I know what I am, okay? I accept it. But I aspire to be better. You … you’re mad because you wish you could be one of them but you’re too scared to admit it.”

  Sarah stands up and jabs her finger at Jennifer. “You think those bitchy cheerleaders are your friends? They don’t give a shit about you!”

  “And what?” Jennifer laughs. “You do?”

  “No.” Sarah puts her hands on her hips. “I don’t care about you, Jennifer. I just feel bad for you. For buying into this whole bullshit circus. I don’t give a crap what you do. And I don’t pretend otherwise. Now get the fuck away from my bench.”

  Jennifer is shivering as she walks away. She doesn’t even begin to feel warm until she gets to Principal Colby’s office. She walks right past the secretary, right in without knocking.

  “Principal Colby? I need to talk to you.”

  “Come in, Jennifer. I hoped you would stop by to chat. I have to say, I’ve been seriously contemplating canceling the homecoming dance.”

  Jennifer is taken off guard. “Wait. What?”

  Principal Colby lifts her eyebrows. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen those VOTE QUEEN JENNIFER stickers everywhere, and I figured —”

  “That’s not why I came by.”

  “So you’re okay with everything?”

  Jennifer smiles shyly and pushes her hair behind her shoulder so the sticker on her chest can be seen. “Yeah. I mean, I think it’s nice. It’s a nice thing for people to do for me. I’ve always been known as the ugly girl. It’s kind of crazy to think that I could be known as homecoming queen.” It really is. “So please don’t cancel the dance on my account. People will hate me! They’ll blame me!” She feels the tears come.

  Principal Colby looks surprised. “Alright. Okay. I guess I had the situation wrong.” She shakes her head. “So, what did you want to talk about, Jennifer?”

  “Sarah Singer,” Jennifer answers. She smooths her VOTE QUEEN JENNIFER sticker, paying extra attention to the corners that have pulled away from her sweater. “You have to stop her.”

  argo hovers over the lunch table, casting a shadow on her empty seat. She hates that it suddenly feels like she needs an invitation to sit with her friends. As if her chair is now reserved for Jennifer.

  Rachel and Dana don’t look up from their cups of yogurt. They just peel the lids back and quietly stir them, plastic spoons swirling in unison, the thick white cream slowing turning pink.

  Margo sets her tray down and takes her seat. She thinks about giving her friends the silent treatment back. But she is too angry not to say something.

  “Is Jennifer going to be joining us for lunch today?” she asks.

  Dana says, “She’s either in the library or still talking to Principal Colby.”

  “What about?”

  “Why do you care?” Rachel asks, finally making eye contact with her. “Unless you’re nervous.”

  The boys arrive. Matthew, Justin, and Ted. They slap down their trays.

  Margo narrows her eyes and whispers, “Why would I be nervous?”

  Dana leans over and whispers back, “People are starting to wonder if maybe you were the one to make the list. And now you’re pissed off that it’s backfiring. Because Jennifer might win homecoming queen instead of you.”

  “Are you guys serious?” Margo struggles to keep her voice low. She doesn’t want the guys, Matthew mostly, to hear this conversation. “Is that what Jennifer is telling people? That I made the list?”

  “No,” Dana says. “It’s only some people talking.”

  Some people. Margo wonders how many people equaled some people. Was Matthew one of them? She’s never had to worry about the thing
s other people said about her, because the things people said about her were nice things, were compliments.

  “And just so you know, Jennifer hasn’t said anything bad about you to us.” Rachel shares a look with Dana before adding, “In fact, she thinks you’re helping us with the whole ‘Vote Queen Jennifer’ idea. And … that you invited her to your party tomorrow.”

  Margo shakes her head. “No. No. No.”

  “I don’t understand you, Margo,” Rachel says. “I thought you didn’t care about being homecoming queen. I thought you said it was no big deal.”

  “I don’t care about being homecoming queen,” Margo says. She says this part loud, so Matthew will hear. Even though a part of her still does care, despite everything, she feels compelled to hide it like a guilty secret. She can’t let go of what she’d hoped would happen the minute she heard she’d made the list: that she’d be the homecoming queen, and Matthew would be homecoming king. They’d have their dance, and he’d finally see her the way she’d always hoped he would. As someone he wanted to be with.

  Dana tilts her head to the side. “Then why are you trying to sabotage Jennifer’s chance at winning?”

  “I’m not trying to sabotage anything. I think it’s embarrassing to basically beg people to vote for her. I wish you two would stop pretending that homecoming queen is a grand, benevolent prize that you guys are bestowing on Jennifer.”

  Rachel cuts her off. “First off, we’re not begging. We’re campaigning to make up for the fact that she’s been told she’s the ugliest girl in school for the last four years straight. Don’t you think Jennifer deserves one night of feeling beautiful? After everything she’s gone through?”

  Margo chooses her words carefully. “I know that you guys think you’re doing a nice thing, but let’s be honest. There’s not one person who’ll be voting for Jennifer because they think she’s pretty. It’s either a big joke, to get the ugliest girl up on that stage, or people who want to give themselves a nice big pat on the back and feel better about treating Jennifer like crap all these years.”