A Fine Balance

by Susan Johnson

  “Ain’t gonna happen. Ava and I are going on a protracted holiday in an undisclosed location. No way they’ll find us.”

  “Tell Ava thanks from me. I appreciate you guys bailing me out.”

  “Our pleasure. A few less scumbags benefits mankind.”

  They quietly talked old times at the LAPD where they’d met, Jack politely listened to Chuck’s glowing version of a man in love, and while he wasn’t into the same kind of drama, he had to admit love was no longer a complete mystery. Although with Jillian in the car, no way he was discussing his feelings. He wasn’t sure he could put them into words anyway. He’d spent a lifetime avoiding emotional introspection.

  “Definitely a good night’s work,” Chuck said with a grin as they drove up to the departure lanes at SFO.

  “Amen to that,” Jack murmured, pulling to a stop at the largely deserted platforms. He turned and smiled at Chuck in the back seat. “Everything clicked.”

  “We were lucky too.”

  “Yeah, never discount the power of luck.”

  His hand on the door handle, Chuck grabbed his duffle bag from the floor. “See you next time, guys. You were a real asset, Sam.” He gave the dog seated beside him a pat on the head, swung out of the SUV, and shut the door.

  As Chuck walked into the terminal, Jack glanced at the dash clock, and estimated the time to Philo. It was late; traffic would be light. He could punch it.

  Jillian was sleeping soundly, but then she’d had a terrifying, exhausting day. He felt guilty as hell for all she’d been through, and once the murder investigation wound down, he’d take her to Venice and see that she and Zeke had a good time. It wouldn’t undo today’s trauma, but it might help her forget.

  Pulling onto the freeway, he started making a few necessary calls.

  Since he’d decided to stay in Philo tonight, he rang Larry and asked if he and Em would mind driving Zeke to his mom’s house. “It’s late, I hate to ask, but Jillian and I are both tired. And my place isn’t exactly secure, although things went well. I’m just being cautious.”

  “Glad you’re on your way home.” Larry knew he’d hear the details somewhere down the line; it didn’t have to be tonight. “We’ll meet you at your Mom’s.”

  “Plan on staying overnight. There’s plenty of room.” Jack read Larry’s grunt as equivocation. “You better ask Em,” he added. “I know she’d enjoy visiting with Mom.”

  “I like my own bed.”

  “A couple cases of wine change your mind?”

  Larry sighed. “Em heard. She says we’re staying.”

  Jack’s next call was to his mother. After apologizing for waking her, he explained that he and Jillian would be staying the night, along with Larry, Em and Zeke.

  “Perfect,” she said. “I look forward to seeing you all.”

  “No questions?”

  “Of course, not dear. You know I’m not inquisitive.”

  Like hell. “You talked to Wade.”

  “Of course I did. I’m glad everyone’s fine. Now drive carefully,” she said, cheerfully, as if they were on their way back from a church picnic.

  Ending the call, Jack silently groaned. Should he warn Jillian that his mother could ask prying questions? Or just hope for the best? What the hell, he could always explain his mother’s foibles later, he decided, too tired to speculate on the unknown.

  Next call.

  Morrie picked up on the first ring.

  “Thought I’d give you the bad news,” Jack said. “Remington and Hayes skipped.”

  “I figured. And it’s not all bad. At least we’re rid of them.”

  “Appreciate your understanding.”

  “Hell, when it comes right down to it, I probably would have done the same thing if Lily had been kidnapped. Don’t worry. We’ll work it out.”

  “Do I have to lawyer up?”

  “Let me talk to a few people first.”

  “Okay, when you know what’s coming at me, give me a call. As for the big shots, does the prosecution have enough evidence with all the money-laundering shit we found to still bring a case? Not that it impacts me much, but keep me informed.”

  “I’m hoping. Those guys deserve jail time. And who knows, Remington might screw up and we can get him too.”

  “I doubt it. He’s a survivor. Keep me in the loop though. We’re staying at Mom’s tonight. Jillian’s asleep and I’m beat. So I’ll talk to you later.”

  His last call was to his brothers. He thanked them for their help, told them they were staying in Philo tonight and mentioned the possibility that a young girl in San Francisco might call Wade for assistance. “Tweedy was holding her captive. She needs a chance for a new life. I told her about your foundation.”

  “I’ll find out where they took her and see what I can do.”

  “Thanks.”

  “FYI,” Wade said, a note of warning in his voice. “Mom called this evening and read me the riot act if I didn’t tell her what you were doing. She knew something was up. She’d heard gossip.”

  “Yeah, I already talked to her. She sounded so goddamn chirpy, I figure the name Jillian came up in your conversation.”

  “My choice was either answer her or be barred from the house. I said as little as possible though, mostly because I don’t know much. She didn’t buy it. My guess is she’s checking out wedding caterers.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “I wish. You know how she prides herself on her sixth sense.”

  “Fuck.”

  “You can tell her different.”

  Jack softly swore, then muttered, “Talk to you in the morning.”

  After years in court, Wade recognized evasion when he heard it. Setting the phone down, he raised his glass to Ray and Chrissy who were having drinks at his house while they waited for Jack’s call. “I think our brother who swore up and down he’d never get married again has changed his mind. Any bets on a wedding date?”

  Ray laughed, then turned to Chrissy. “Hey, wanna get married?”

  “Sure. Soon as my divorce is final.”

  Ray swung his gaze back to his brother. “Come on, Wade, ram through Chrissy’s divorce and we can plan a double wedding.”

  A number of deterrents to Ray’s idea came to mind, beginning with Chrissy’s stalker/nutcase of a husband who refused to sign the divorce papers. But Wade knew how to be polite. “I’ll see what I can do,” he said.

  Chapter 51

  As they turned into the long drive winding up the hill to his Mom’s house, Jack touched Jillian’s arm. “We’re going to stop in Philo.”

  “Ummmm, why?” she mumbled, still half asleep.

  “Zeke’s here.”

  Her eyes snapped open and she turned to look at him. “He’s here. Now?”

  “Larry just texted me. Zeke’s sleeping upstairs.”

  Rubbing her palm over her face, she sat up, a slow, wide, beautiful smile spreading across her face. “I won’t wake him, I’ll just look. Thanks for thinking of this.”

  “Thank Larry and Em. They drove here in the middle of the night.”

  “I definitely will. I can’t believe Zeke’s actually here.” She took a shaky breath, looked away for a second. “Sorry, but he’s all I have and”--a quick sniffle, then a lift of her chin. “I’m not going to think about what could have happened to him. He’s safe now, and that’s that.”

  He suspected she’d learned that stiff-upper-lip attitude at a young age to deal with the emotional turmoil in her life. “He’s a trooper like you. He wasn’t teary or frightened when he woke up at my house. You raised him well, Mama Bear.”

  She smiled. “I don’t know if I can take credit for it. He’s pretty fearless on his own.”

  The lights from the house suddenly shown through the trees. Braking the car to a stop, Jack shifted into park and turned to Jillian. “I wanted to say a couple things before we go inside.”

  Her stomach did a little flip at the seriousness of his tone, but she forced herself to reply ca
lmly. “Sure, go ahead.”

  “You know I’m going to have to wind down this murder case. It might take a few days, maybe a little longer with all the paperwork and interested parties, including Agent Fedin who might want to settle scores. And I know I promised you a trip to Venice”—

  “Ok.”

  “Ok, what?”

  “What you said.”

  Jack looked at her curiously. “I wasn’t finished.”

  “Really, you don’t have to say anymore. I understand.”

  Now he looked bewildered. “What are you talking about?”

  There was a pause. Then with a small sigh, Jillian said, “You don’t have to let me down easy. I’m a big girl.”

  “You think I’m giving you the it’s-been-nice speech?”

  “Of course. You even know the name of it. I suppose you’ve done it a hundred times before.” She was beginning to experience a warming sense of outrage that he had the freaking nerve after all she’d been through. Couldn’t he have had the decency to at least wait a day or so? Not that she was about to let him know his brush-off mattered. “This doesn’t have to be disagreeable,” she said, in as blasé a tone as she could manage. “I had a great time other than being kidnapped.” She put out her hand. “Thanks for everything.”

  He gave her outstretched hand a sarcastic look. “The fuck you doing?”

  “Sorry.” She took her hand back. “Did you want to give me the brush off first?”

  “No,” he said, irritably. “I wanted to tell you I love you.”

  She froze. She didn’t dare say, ‘Are you joking?’, but that’s what she was thinking. And if he didn’t look so grim, she might actually have said it. Instead, she said, “I see.”

  “I see?” he said tightly. “That’s it?” He scrutinized her face, and after a beat, cocked one eyebrow. “Were you just looking for a fuck buddy and I happened to show up?”

  She squinted, bewildered on so many levels. “I don’t even know what a fuck buddy is.”

  “Well, at least that’s a plus,” he said, stiffly.

  “Hey, don’t throw the double standard at me,” she said, huffily. “If anyone knows about fuck buddies, I’m guessing it’s you, Mr. Stud of Mendocino County.”

  He couldn’t help but smile, her innocence a continuing source of wonder. “Is that what you think?”

  “You better not be enjoying this because I’m getting pissed. And yes, that’s what I think.”

  “Want me to change?”

  She snorted. “Don’t do me any favors.”

  “Is my loving you doing you a favor?”

  “You don’t mean it.”

  He audibly sighed. “I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

  “Come on. You think women want to hear stuff like that.”

  “Jesus, could we not argue about stupid shit?” In the back seat, Sam’s ears had been flicking up or down with each shift in Jack’s tone. His ears went up again. “Sorry,” Jack said more gently, the edge gone from his voice, “I’m screwing this up big time. Let me start over. I love you. I. Love. You.” He smiled. “Is that better? Clearer?” Sam relaxed.

  Jillian looked at Jack suspiciously for a moment, then her eyes widened. “You’re serious?”

  He could have said, I’m serious for the first time in my life, but that would have involved a conversation he’d rather not have. “Yes,” he said simply.

  “I thought you were having second thoughts.” She swallowed, wishing he’d speak in longer sentences so she knew more precisely what he was thinking. “That maybe my mushy knight-in-shining-armor comment had scared you off.”

  He considered the thirteen men at Tweedy’s trying to kill him and Chuck and said, “I don’t scare easily.”

  A hush fell.

  Flustered and confused, she couldn’t help but wonder if this kind of bizarre flattery was just another day in the amorous life of Jack Morgan. “Tell me,” she said, a little defensively as disjointed bits of Jack-related sexual gossip zipped through her head. “What normally happens when you tell your girlfriends you love them? I’m not sure what to do. Swoon? Feign complete surprise cause that I could do.”

  She was jealous. He couldn’t quite suppress his grin.

  “Well, I guess that answers that. They all freaking swoon, right?”

  “Couldn’t tell you. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. You’re the only woman I’ve ever told I love.”

  “Oh,” she said, meekly.

  Her subdued response prompted him to say, “I suppose I could have been better at explaining”—

  “Your feelings?” Her sudden smile took his breath away. “Or expressing yourself in sentences longer than six words?”

  “Cute,” he grumbled. “But this is a first for me, talking about love, even thinking about it. Although if you want me to learn how to say mushy stuff”--a flicker of a smile--“I’ll need a little practice.”

  “As if. You’re pretty good at making yourself loveable,” Jillian said, experiencing a growing unease at his casual compliance, as if pleasing a woman was second nature to him. “My problem with that particular expertise,” she said, figuring it was now or never, “is believing a man of your reputation—don’t deny it—when he tells me he loves me. I worry that the brilliant, sparkly dream you’re offering is just that—a dream.” She let out a small breath, not sure she wasn’t throwing away a fairy tale future. “I don’t mean to offend you--although I probably am--but after my marriage, I’m not looking for another faithless partner.”

  Jack’s voice when he spoke was pensive rather than offended. “I know about shitty marriages too. Having lived through one I know the difference between loving someone and not really giving a damn. And I’m so deep in love with you, Jillybean, there aren’t words.”

  “I don’t want to be hurt again,” she said, as if he hadn’t spoken. “I worry even more about Zeke being hurt. He likes you a lot. What if you decide to leave?”

  “I’m not leaving, I promise. In fact”--

  She stopped him with a palm up. “You can’t possibly promise that. Stuff happens. It just does.”

  She had abandonment issues; why wouldn’t she? “Then let’s just take it a day at a time. Let me make you happy one day at a time. You and Zeke both. I love you, I’m here to stay and”—he grinned—“don’t forget Zeke’s on my side.”

  “Hey, that’s not fair!”

  He gave her a killer smile. “Whatever it takes.”

  She shut her eyes briefly, then met his gaze. “Okay, here goes. This is unbelievably stupid, but I’ve loved you from the very first. Like every other woman I figured. So keep it casual I told myself, enjoy the sex, don’t even think about getting involved--sex here, feelings there, never the twain to meet.” She looked at him quizzically, then frowned. “Now, I don’t know what to think.”

  He’d never been so careful in his life not to fuck something up and when he spoke, his voice was softly guarded. “I never thought I’d be in love. I didn’t even know what love was until I met you. But I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And if it helps with your decision-making, if something goes wrong, I’ll fix it. I can fix anything.”

  Jillian raised her eyebrows. “That’s a little presumptuous.”

  “Not if it’s true,” he said, simply. Reaching over, he ruffled her curls. “Come on, Jillybean, take a chance. Marry me ASAP and we’ll deal with whatever comes our way together. You, me, and Zeke.”

  “Whoa, slow down!”

  In contrast to her agitation, he was unflustered. “A simple yes will do. I’ll take care of everything else.”

  “Jeez, I just met you a few”—

  “Days ago, yeah, I know. It’s irrelevant. Have you ever felt this way before? I haven’t. You already said you loved me from the first. Me too, although I didn’t understand what the hell I was feeling. But I know now and I can’t imagine living another pointless minute without you.”


  She blew out a breath, ridiculously happy, amazed, confused, her brain foggy in a nice way.

  “Is that a yes?”

  “Are you always this pushy?”

  “Only when I’m proposing for the first time in my life.”

  A strange glow warmed her senses. “Really—the first time?”

  “First and last,” he said. “Did I mention I have no patience?”

  “Did I mention I feel like I’m jumping off a cliff?”

  “That’s okay, I’m here to catch you. Twenty-four/seven, til the end of time…hey, hey, no tears.” Leaning over, he cupped her face in his large hands and kissed her gently. “You and me forever, Jillybean.”

  “And Zeke,” she whispered.

  “That goes without saying. It’s a package deal, always will be.”

  “Okay.”

  Luckily he wasn’t looking for an effusive, gushy reply; just the right one. “Perfect,” he said, equally succinctly. “Wedding in five days? There might be a waiting period. I’ll check.”

  Wide-eyed, she regarded him as though he’d asked her to dance naked in the street.

  He bit back the comment on his tongue and said, “When, then?”

  “A month or two.”

  “Ten days.”

  She got her mojo back in a hurry. “Is this the way it’s going to be? You always having your own way?”

  “Course not. Let’s ask Zeke what he thinks.”

  “Wow. You fight dirty.”

  He grinned. “I hear Zeke likes me a lot. His mom tells me she loves me. Why the fuck wait?”

  “You’re really annoying you know.” But she was grinning too. “Okay, two weeks, last offer,” she said, feeling strangely, beautifully light-hearted.

  Leaning over the console, he kissed her even more gently so she wouldn’t freak again. “You gotta deal.”

  “I’m going to have to work fast to make my dress in that short a time. Childhood fantasy Cinderella style, don’t ask.”

  He looked at her with genuine curiosity. “You mean sew a dress?”

  “Of course. I can’t afford a wedding gown.”