Never is a Promise

by Winter Renshaw

  He rose up, re-dressing before stepping toward me. His lips pursed as he forced a hard breath through his nose. “I was going to try to sell you on how beautiful our life could be together back in Darlington, but I think you already know that. I’m going to give you space, Dakota, because that’s what you asked for. But I’m never going to stop wanting you. Never. And never is a promise.”

  He pulled his shirt over his head and deposited a single kiss on my cheek before leaving.

  I touched down in Detroit Tuesday afternoon and rented a car with only one destination in mind.

  I had to see Daisy.

  Heading south to Lincoln Park, I drove past the stretch of road that housed the bar where I’d once bumped into a sweet, small town girl with Midwest charm and an eternally hopeless soft spot in her heart for me. With a short detour at a local flower shop to pick up a bouquet of her favorite flowers, daffodils, I headed her way with a heavy heart.

  In the distance was an arch with ornate spindles and metal lettering that read “Rest Haven Cemetery.”

  I hadn’t been to see her in at least two years, mostly on account of how it tended to rattle my nerves and stir up the muck and mire that rested in the bottom of my soul.

  Pulling up to a spot in the grass next to a granite headstone with her name on it, I grabbed the small bouquet and trekked through the soft ground, setting the flowers at the base of the stone below the engraving that declared her a “loving daughter” and nothing more.

  “Hi Daisy,” I said softly, resting my hands on my hips and squinting as the sun blasted my eyes from just over the horizon. I pictured her blue eyes and the way her small hand used to feel in mine, and I fondly recalled those cold and lonely nights when she kept me warm, always picking me up when I was low and giving everything to me straight up with no chaser. She always seemed to know what I needed to hear, at least in the beginning. My only regret was that I couldn’t love her the way she deserved. “This time of year always gets me thinking about you. I just wanted to pay my respects. I apologize for not coming to see you more often, but I think you’d understand. You were always very patient and understanding with me. Probably more than I deserved. Anyway.”

  It felt silly talking to a stone, but it’d seem even sillier talking to her inside my head. A warm breeze rustled the leaves of the mighty oak that shaded her final resting place.

  “I’m sorry for all the ways I hurt you, Daisy,” I said, pulling in a strong breath as I recalled the way she’d left my house in a rush to get home. The next morning, I’d called her and offered to support her for as long as it took so she could get back on her feet. She’d lived in the lap of luxury for three years, and I wasn’t about to dump her with nothing. Not long after that, she got involved with the wrong kind of people, and it turned out she was using my monetary assistance to support her brand new heroine addiction. “And I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you that when you were still here.”

  I bent down, repositioning the flowers so they sat upright. They were bright and yellow and cheery, like she was on her best days. Daisy wasn’t perfect by any means, but on her best days, she was more than I deserved at the time.

  “Miss you, Dais,” I said, placing my heart over my chest. “I hope you finally found your happiness.”

  I pulled out toward the road and headed back to the airport to catch my flight home, replaying our end days together. They tended to play like an old movie reel any time I thought about her, as if I needed to remind myself that we were never meant to be together.

  It wasn’t long after Daisy decided to join me on tour that she decided to stay. I quit my man-whoring ways for her, and she filled a void that’d been empty far too long. But after a while, she became accustomed to life in the spotlight, wearing designer dresses and becoming a human accessory for me at any and all red carpet events and award shows I attended. And it wasn’t long after that that she’d become a glitzed-up and glamourized version of her former self. The sweet girl who once distracted me from my self-inflicted heartache had disappeared, leaving in her place a self-centered beauty queen with a taste for VVS diamonds, Aston Martins, and Hermes bags.

  I sent her packing as soon as I found the strength to tell her I didn’t love her like that anymore, though I neglected to tell her I wasn’t sure I’d ever really loved her. At least not in the all-consuming, unconditional sort of way. I told her there was someone else out there for her who could love her the way she needed, but it wasn’t me.

  Watching her drive away on that rainy April day was the last time I’d ever see her. Little did I know that I was sending her directly into the arms of a shitty ex and a friend named heroin.

  “Goodbye, Daisy,” I said as I left Lincoln Park. My heart was filled with an ache that reminded me that I once had loved Daisy – in my own way. Regardless of everything, she would forever own a small piece of my heart that no one else would ever touch. I said a silent prayer, hoping that she’d found peace and love and happiness wherever she was. And then I asked for her forgiveness.

  “Five minutes, Ms. Andrews,” the wedding planner called out as she knocked on the door. I lifted Addison’s veil over her head as my mother stood back and dabbed her eyes with a tissue, rambling on about her first marriage to our father.

  “You’re absolutely stunning,” I said, offering her a smile. She pulled in a cleansing breath and nodded. All morning she’d been quiet. Happy but quiet. If I knew my sister at all, I knew that it meant she was stuck inside her head. It happened sometimes. “Don’t overthink this. He’s great. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters.”

  Addison nodded. “I’m not worried about him. Just digesting this life change and what it means.”

  “Are we ready?” the wedding planner called from the doorway.

  My sister nodded as my mother reached for her arm. She was going to give her away that afternoon. We headed toward the back of the Presbyterian church and lined up in order, with me linking my arm with Wilder’s best man and first cousin, Theo Van Cleef.

  One by one, we walked down the aisle. A packed church with guests squeezed into every pew was a true testament to how many people cared about them. Family and friends and clients came from all over to watch them tie the knot.

  After exchanging beautiful, handwritten vows, Wilder kissed his bride and they ran down the aisle to a waiting limousine that carried them around the city for pictures. An hour later, we all reconvened at the W Hotel for a lavish reception.

  “Hey, if you want someone to dance with later, I’m your man,” Theo said as I stood around and mingled. He handed me a flute of champagne and flashed a lady-killer smile that indicated he was skilled in the art of picking up women.

  Sorry, Prince Charming, you’re talking to the wrong Cinderella.

  “I’ll keep that in mind, thanks.” I laughed.

  “She’s already spoken for,” a man interrupted with a drawl I’d recognize anywhere. I spun around to see Beau standing behind me dressed in a navy Italian silk suit with a skinny black tie, his hair slicked and combed neatly and his signature cologne wafting my way.

  “What are you doing here?” My eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas.

  “Thought you could use a date,” he said.

  “You assumed I came here alone?”

  “I talked to Addison. She told me.”

  “She knew you were coming?”

  “I told her not to tell you.” Beau slipped his hand around my lower back as the corner of his mouth twitched upward. “I tried to get here sooner, but my tour bus got a flat on I-80 just west of Pittsburgh.”

  “Thank you,” I said, inhaling him.

  “I’m not going to ask you any questions tonight, Dakota. I’m not here to pressure you into giving me an answer,” Beau said. “I’m in town for the show, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for not escorting my future wife to her sister’s wedding when I had the chance.”

  I rolled my eyes, laughing and swatting his shoulder. The wedding singers on s
tage began belting out a Tony Bennett classic, and Beau lifted a single brow. “Shall we dance?”

  Leading me out onto the dance floor, he pulled me close, pressing his body against mine and keeping it there for the better duration of the evening. Across the dance floor I spotted my mother dancing awfully close to cousin Theo, her cheek pressed against his broad shoulder and a medicated calm yet drunken smile plastered across her face. I had to commend her for temporarily setting aside the majority of her craziness for Addison and Wilder’s sake. It wasn’t until the wedding band crooned their very last song and Addison and Wilder had long since said their goodbyes to their guests when Beau and I headed outside.

  With the cool night air ruffling my hair, I stared into the eyes of the man who could very well be my future or the biggest mistake of my life.

  Traffic whirred past us and horns honked. I opened my mouth in an attempt to invite him over, as I wasn’t ready for the night to end yet, but he silenced my words with a soft kiss. With his hand against my cheek, he leaned into me and breathed excitement and life into my bones with a single, solitary kiss.

  When he was finished, he reached into his back pocket and handed me a small plastic card. “This is a backstage pass for the show tomorrow night.”

  He glanced over my shoulder at the passing Yellow Cabs.

  “You have to go?” I asked.

  “Yeah, big day tomorrow. Got to get up early, rehearse, all that.” He lingered for a second, and I’d never wanted him to stay more than I did in that moment. Being with him again that night, dancing and laughing the way we used to, I’d never felt so alive.

  Or so sure that I wanted to be with him.

  “Goodnight, Dakota.” With that, he stepped toward the curb, hailing a cab and disappearing inside. As the taxi carried him away, a pull from inside my chest dropped down into the pit of my stomach.

  “I want to be with you, Beau,” I mouthed, my voice barely audible. I had to say it out loud. I had to see if it felt just as real on the outside as it did on the inside.

  I hailed a cab back to my apartment, itching to get out of my dress and heels. Pulling my phone out of my clutch, I saw I had a missed call and a text message.

  From Harrison.

  YOU GOT THE PROMOTION.

  “Thank y’all so much. Really. Thank you. You’ve been wonderful.” I tipped my hat to the roaring crowd and ran offstage, following security back to my dressing room.

  That was it. My last show. Ever.

  It felt good.

  It felt exactly how I thought it would.

  I tasted freedom in all her glory.

  Maybe I was an ungrateful bastard for looking fame and fortune in the eye and walking away, but not a single part of me thought I was making the wrong decision.

  Security unlocked my dressing room. The second I shut the door, my heart thundered in my chest. Dressed in a gauzy white dress with long dark waves cascading down her shoulders was my Dakota.

  “You came.” I removed my hat and set it aside as she stood up and walked my way. She hadn’t smiled yet, but I was confident that I could change that in two seconds flat. My hand cupped the side of her face as I Ieaned in to taste her sweet lips.

  “Wait.” She stopped me. “Before you kiss me – before you say anything. There’s something I have to tell you.”

  Staring her square in the face, I lifted my brows. There wasn’t much she could say to me to change how I felt, but I’d entertain her anyway. “All right then.”

  “I got the promotion,” she said.

  “Congratulations, Coco.”

  She still didn’t smile.

  “You going to take the job?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “They want me to start this fall, but I have to decide by the end of the week.”

  “Does it feel the way you thought it would?”

  Her full lips formed a straight line as she stared down at the ground. “It feels amazing and horrible all at the same time.”

  “And why might that be?”

  “Because I want this job. I want this promotion.” She lifted her gaze to meet mine. “And I want you too.”

  My heart beat in my chest as a wave of relief washed over me. “God, Dakota, you scared the hell out of me. If this is our biggest problem, then we’ve got nothing to worry about. We’ll figure out a way to make this-”

  “Stop.”

  Apparently there was more.

  “That’s not all.” Her eyes fell to the side as she swallowed and sucked in a long breath. “I have to tell you something, and it might change the way you look at me.”

  “All right.” I braced myself, studying the way she worried her bottom lip. “I’m ready.”

  “Ten years ago, I gave birth to a little girl. Our little girl.”

  “Dakota, I know.”

  5 years ago

  Five long years on the road made coming home sweeter than ever and yet bittersweet all at the same time.

  “Mama, meet Daisy,” I said as I brought home my newest catch.

  Daisy popped a big old smile on her face and leaned in to give Mama a hug, and for the first time ever, Mama smiled at this new stranger who’d walked into her house like she owned the place.

  “Glad to have you, Daisy,” Mama said. “Won’t you come on into the kitchen for some iced tea?”

  “You’re too kind, Mrs. Mason,” Daisy said, turning to flash me a wink as she followed my mother into the next room. Daisy was butterflies and meadows, rainbows and puppies. She didn’t much care what other people thought of her, and she had a perpetual smile across her face most days.

  I popped my head into the kitchen. “I’m going to run into town and pick up a few things at the co-op for Dad. I’ll be back soon.”

  “Go on ahead, baby,” Daisy called out before turning back toward Mama and rambling on about something funny she claimed I did the day before.

  I hopped into one of Daddy’s trucks and headed into town, stopping at the gas station for fuel on my way back home. Leaning against the truck as the gas click-click-clicked into my thirsty pick-up, I spotted a man with white blond hair walking out of the gas station doors holding the hand of a dark-haired little girl of maybe four or five.

  “Sam,” I called out.

  He turned my way, his face turning a shade lighter than it already was before he offered a nod. He hoisted the little girl up into the backseat of his silver Volvo and walked over to me.

  “How’s it going?” he said, squinting and smiling.

  “Good,” I said, peering over his shoulder and into the car. “You and Rebecca have a little one?”

  Sam dug his boot into the gravel, his eyes drawing slowly up the length of me until we locked gazes. His hands found their way into the pockets of his pressed khakis as he licked his thin lips.

  I didn’t know Sam that well, but I knew what a man with secrets looked like, and Sam had that look oozing from his every pore.

  The gas nozzle clicked off with a metallic thud.

  “Need to get something off your chest, Sam?” I asked, eyeing the little girl once again. Through the tint of the front windshield, I could hardly see her face, but those round blue eyes were unmistakable. Not to mention Rebecca was a redhead. For her and Sam to produce such a striking little beauty would’ve been a genetic miracle.

  He pulled his lanky shoulders back and lifted his head. “Look, Beau. First off, I just wanted to say I had no idea. I thought you knew. I thought you were on board.”

  “With…?”

  “The adoption.”

  His words slammed into me, nearly knocking me off my feet.

  “That’s...my daughter?” I stared back toward the car, looking at the oblivious little darling who was equal parts me and Dakota. It was as if someone had taken a cleaver and whacked a big chunk out of my heart. My hand combed the underside of my chin letting my whiskers scratch against the softness of my palm as I wrapped my head around it all.

  My blood began to boil as anger sett
led beneath the surface of my skin. With each sharp breath that passed my lips I grew more furious with the situation, but mostly with myself.

  “She’s very loved and she’s very well cared for, Beau,” Sam said, his voice trembling as if he thought I’d whisk her away. I had every right to, but I wasn’t that kind of man. “She’s bright and sweet and kind. She has a good life with Rebecca and me.”

  I combed my fingers through the side of my head, tugging on the ends of my hair as if I could possibly inflict enough physical pain to numb the emotional pain that was coursing through my body like a raging river.

  “She never told me,” I said, my voice winding down into nothing more than a whisper. I’d recalled being drunkenly told by my “handlers” that some girl from back home was trying to call me, but it was only a few times early on. I’d always figured she was just trying to rekindle our relationship, and I was in no position to be dating anyone on the road. All those times I’d ignored her, I thought I was doing both of us a favor. “I didn’t know, Sam. I swear I didn’t know.”

  “It’s probably for the best,” Sam said. “Neither of you were in any kind of condition to be raising a baby.”

  “Daddy!” the little girl called out from the crack in the window. “Let’s go!”

  Sam turned around and gave her a wave. “Coming, Mabry.” He turned and gave me a bittersweet nod. “Please don’t tell Rebecca I told you. And please don’t complicate this. Please.”

  Sam hopped into his Volvo and fastened his seat belt, and our eyes locked the entire time.

  And then he drove away with a piece of my heart I didn’t even know was missing.

  “You knew all this time?” I could feel my face morphing from previously apprehensive to ridiculously angry as my eyes burned hot.

  Beau placed his hand up in protest. “I didn’t know until recently, but yes. I swear I never knew you were pregnant, Dakota. I wouldn’t have made you go through all that on your own. I may be a lot of things, but I’m not that.”