I knew she wouldn’t and couldn’t understand where I was or how I’ve changed. She went to all my doctor appointments, asked her questions, listened to everything the doctors said, and did her own research. With all of that, she still didn’t get it. Then again, my counselor always reminded me that until someone lived it, I could expect sympathy, but not empathy. She might be right, and while I would not wish this on my worst enemy, sometimes I wished people had an inkling of what I experienced.
This whole thing—my new life, the disease—was difficult to deal with, and I always pushed people away. That was on me, but sometimes I felt completely and utterly alone.
Chapter 5
Emma
Brunch turned into an awkward affair with my family. My brother–in–law got onto the boys and told them to hold open the doors for me. My sister escorted me to my chair and treated me as if I was an invalid. And the highlight of the morning was seeing Jenna. Happy day. Not!
If the meal had only been my family, I would have been happier and more comfortable, but alas, my sister had invited Jenna believing we could all discuss my date. I saw Jenna smirk more than once. The bitch knew. My sister would not believe me though, and thus, I had to endure the meal. I barely touched my food, my defenses were on high alert and my stomach churned with discomfort. Watching everyone eat as I pushed the food around on my plate, I sort of wished Jenna would choke on her sandwich.
When I finally arrived home from my forced outing, I locked my front door, played with Curley, and then curled up on my bed with my computer. Curiosity coerced me, and made me want to check my email and FaceSpace messages. Had Bryan sent a message after I shut down the night before?
Logging onto the computer, I jumped when that familiar ding rang as soon as I logged onto FS.
Bryan: Hey, what happened last night?
Either his memory had issues, or he was obtuse. I rolled my eyes and attempted to ignore him for a bit, to build anticipation, and to dish out a small punishment. I was still slightly annoyed with him.
Ding after ding could be heard. My phone had been silent during brunch because I had turned off my ringer, however, my computer would not shut up. Even muted, ignoring the messages got harder as his name flashed across the top of my screen, the number of messages increasing…
Bryan: I know you’re there
Are you ignoring me now?
What are you up to?
Hi.
I’m still here.
As you can tell, I’m here and not going away.
You may as well talk to me.
Groaning, I realized I had no choice.
Me: What do you want?
Bryan: She lives.
Me: Smartass.
Bryan: Well I do have an ass, but it doesn’t have a brain, but I’ve been told I’m smart…so maybe it is too. LOL.
Snorting with laughter, I surprised my dog and he jumped off the bed to curl up on the floor away from me. I wouldn’t admit I laughed. That secret stayed between me and Curley.
Me: Hardy har har.
Bryan: Does this mean I actually made you laugh?
Me: Nope, not at all.
I lied as I continued to snicker. The smile wouldn’t leave my face. His dorky answers lightened the load and pressure. Talking to him beat hanging around Jenna any day of the week.
Me: You really need to try harder if you want me to laugh.
Bryan: Harder? Well I am getting harder, but that may be because I’m playing.
I crinkled my nose in disgust and amusement as I giggled.
Me: Not what I was talking about.
Bryan: Masturbation is healthy.
Me: Don’t need to know.
Bryan: Do you ever?
Me: Do I ever what?
Bryan: Hell. What are we talking about here?
Masturbate. Do you masturbate?
Me: Not having this convo with you.
Bryan: Seriously? Maybe you just need to loosen up and get laid. ;)
Me: Not funny! Grrr.
Now I was starting to get pissed off again. I could feel my anger and embarrassment growing, and that made for one volatile woman. His conversation, the way he laughed about everything the night before, came rushing back along with all of the emotions. Really, my reaction had more to do with my humiliation than it did him, but I could not bring myself to admit it.
He took a second to respond.
Bryan: Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. I really didn’t.
Sure he hadn’t. I believed him about as much as I believed that my college boyfriend wasn’t screwing the clarinet player who sat in front of me in band–and I had walked in on them during the act. Okay, maybe I was overreacting. Probably due to some deep seeded issue with men lying and previous experiences, but I refused to psychoanalyze myself.
When he received no immediate reply, he pinged me again.
Bryan: Look, I really didn’t mean to make you mad last night or today.
I’m a guy and we can be dicks sometimes. Not gonna lie.
Me: You don’t say.
Bryan: LOL. I do say.
Part of me felt myself pulling toward him, accepting his candor and words. And yet, the other part still held onto my fear like a protective armor, shielding me from life itself. Did I dare? What could it hurt? I mean, he was in San Diego, in the Navy, and nothing more than a mere acquaintance. It would never build into something more. If anything, Bryan could be the perfect outlet to vent.
Bryan: Accept my apology?
Me: Fine. Whatever.
I might have been willing to forgive him, but I never said I would make it easy for him.
Bryan: Wow. So gracious. Thanks.
I could sense the sarcasm drowning his reply, and decided to play along.
Me: Yes, I am. As gracious as a princess.
Bryan: At least you didn’t turn yourself into a queen.
Me: Hey, I could’ve said empress.
Bryan: LOL. Yes, you could have.
Me: :D hehe
Bryan: So your imperial highness, what have you been up to today?
His latest response surprised me. Were we not going to even broach what happened last night? Was he not going to bring up the touchy subject again? Wait. Why did I want him to?
Me: Not much. I went to brunch with sis and a few others and now back home.
Bryan: How’s she doing?
Me: Same shit different day. She jerked me out of bed and made me leave the house.
Bryan: Might have been good for you.
Me: Ha! She does what she wants half the time. LOL.
Bryan: LMAO. She does, which is probably why she and Mel get along so well.
Me: Don’t remind me. I can’t believe I introduced them and they hit it off.
BTW, how do you know how she is?
Bryan: Happens. And Mel tells me stories about her conversations with Ellie and you.
Me: Oh.
Bryan: Yeah, I’ve heard that once your sis makes a decision, there is no changing her mind.
Me: That’s her in a nutshell.
Bryan: Mel is the same way. Trust me.
Me: True dat.
Silence descended on his end as the minutes passed, and I worried that I had inadvertently annoyed him or said something wrong. My mind raced with what I could have done to offend. Get a grip! If I continued to think about it, allowed my mind to race down every rabbit hole imaginable–and some that were not–my anxiety would spiral out of control. When it came to the opposite sex, I possessed zero confidence unless I had known the man for years.
To me Bryan could be nothing more than someone on the other end of the computer. A pen pal, so to speak. Nothing more, and nothing less.
Behind me, my antique alarm clocked ticked away the seconds, increasing my annoyance. Since my disability, I periodically underwent moments when I could not control my emotions or anxiety. I felt it bubbling up in my gut, that coil tightening, creating that anxious feeling.
I scr
olled through our conversation on the screen, re–reading everything since he popped on this morning, and I saw nothing that should have offended him. Unless he didn’t appreciate slang, but I suspected that to be false, since he’d used slang more than once the night I met him.
Tick tock. Unable to stand the radio silence further, I typed my message.
Me: Hello?
Bryan: Just a sec.
Me: K.
If he had something he needed to do, he should have told me he would talk to me later instead of making me wait. Glancing at the clock to see how much time had passed, I rolled my eyes at my own behavior. What had felt like 15 minutes or more to me, had only been five. Once again I had to remind myself, get a grip, Emma!
Instead of waiting for him with baited breath to respond to me, I decided to move on, or act like it didn’t matter to me whether he messaged me or not again. He was a crush and that was all he would ever be. And besides, my current goal consisted of trying not to think of him as a guy. A pen pal. Bryan was nothing more than a pen pal. And the sooner I stopped fixating on him, the better. We could be friends, we could talk; however, I wanted someone who would stick by me through thick and thin. Someone who would actually be there for me. Bryan’s confirmed bachelor status, excluded him from consideration. According to Mel, he loved the Navy and playing the field. Not exactly an ideal pick for a long–term partner.
Grabbing a glass of iced tea from the kitchen, I settled back onto my bed and picked up my book from my bedside table. My book boyfriend would help to cleanse my mind of all thoughts centering on Bryan.
I immersed myself inside a fictional world and my book transported me to a completely different century. I read about time traveling highlanders who found the loves of their lives in a different century, battled evil, and tried to make the world a better place. They wanted the past to impact the future. And while they did all of that, they still protected the women they had come to love and depend on. A dreamy sigh escaped my lips. Sometimes I hoped, wished, and prayed something like that would happen to me. But until then, I continued to wait for the man who would sweep me off my feet.
My grandmother used to tell me I possessed an old soul. Maybe I did. I always believed the guy should ask the girl—it was how my family raised me–I preferred many things from days gone by, compared to some of the crap out there today. I despised the stupid head games males and females thought they needed to play with each other—I didn’t understand them—and I believed kids should play outside more than they played video games. As a child, I drank out of a garden hose, only played video games occasionally—usually when the weather turned bad—and I learned to use my imagination. Before I could watch television, I had to read for thirty minutes, but that rule never bothered me because I had always loved books. They took me away to faraway places, and let me pretend to be someone else for a short period of time–not that I needed to run away from a bad childhood. Quite the contrary.
I grew up moving from naval base to naval base every one to three years, and forced myself to transform from an introvert to an extrovert. Books broke up the stress and allowed me to relax. Plus, I loved imagining how everything played out in my head. There were times reading entertained me more than watching whatever my parents wanted to watch. I was a bookworm of the highest order.
Even as an adult, I loved to read. I could have probably sat there for the rest of the day lost in the world of words, until I was interrupted by a certain four–legged creature. I glared at Curley, whose bark distracted me as he stood on his hind legs staring out the low sitting window. After he calmed down, I tried to return to my book, however, someone messaged me on FaceSpace distracting me further, and hearing the ding, Curley decided play time had arrived.
My pooch wanted attention, which meant it was time to sit up and give it to him. Taking the toy he brought to me, I threw it so that he would fetch it. This was his favorite game. It always made me giggle when he would hightail it, and chased after the toy. There had been a time or two when he wiped out taking a corner too sharply, and this time, he slid across the hardwood floors in the hallway. I didn’t know who enjoyed fetch more, him because he got to play, or me because he looked like a clown chasing his toy.
Briefly, my eyes flittered to my computer. While talking to Bryan earlier, I had turned the alerts on my phone back on, which was how I knew someone had messaged me. Did I dare look? Or did I keep whomever it was hanging on for a little longer?
After throwing the toy again, I gave into the urge and unlocked my phone to see Bryan’s face appearing in a bubble circle. FS mobile messenger showed their profile picture and names whenever someone messaged, and there his mug smiled back at me. He was finally talking to me again. Now, I could have played hard to get and gone through all of those mind games guys and girls seemed to enjoy playing with each other, but I had already done that the night before and it had ended badly. Plus, my intent was not to attract this particular guy. He might have been a crush, but that is where I drew the line.
Tapping on his circle, I read his message.
Bryan: Sorry about that. We had an issue.
Issue? That sounded serious. My curiosity was piqued.
Me: Everything okay?
Bryan: Yeah, for now.
Me: What happened?
My fingers sped over the keys as they typed out my inquiry when he didn’t disclose anything further. Inquiring minds wanted to know.
Me: And what do you mean, ‘for now’?
Bryan: Nothing. Really.
Me: Tell me. You want me to spill all my deepest, darkest secrets, so spill some of your own.
There! If that didn’t hook him in, I would drop the subject, but it meant my curiosity wouldn’t be fed. Besides, quid pro quo.
Bryan: Girl trouble. That’s all.
Me: Girl trouble…that’s all? Seriously?
I laughed long and heartily, but I chose not to put the LOL in my response. I possessed manners after all, and chose not to be rude.
Bryan: Do me a favor.
Me: What?
Bryan: Promise me something.
Me: What?
Bryan: Just promise me.
Me: Not promising until I know what it is I’m promising.
Bryan: Don’t become the crazy girl.
Me: Bwahahahaha! The crazy girl. Umm. Okay. I think I can manage that.
Bryan: I’m serious here.
Me: I have to know, what the hell happened there? LOL!
And yes, I’m still laughing.
Bryan: U R annoying.
Me: You just told me not to become the crazy girl and I’m annoying?
Bryan: Point taken.
That was all he said, and when he didn’t expand, I pestered him for more of an answer.
Me: Well? What happened?
Bryan: Sigh.
Me: That isn’t an explanation.
Bryan: My roommate brought his latest gf to the house because he forgot something here.
Me: Okay. And…?
Bryan: She and I hooked up in the past.
All of the sudden she started yelling and then hit me.
Fucking split personality women. She turned bat shit crazy.
Don’t be her. It took both of us to get her the fuck out of here.
Fuck, now I want a drink! Do. Not. Become. Her.
Me: Haha. I promise not to be her. LOL. ;)
Too bad you aren’t here. I’d say let’s go down to the bar and grab a beer.
Bryan: Good! And I wish I were there right now.
I cringed realizing what I had done. I really was just one of the guys, wasn’t I? No wonder my Prince Charming hadn’t showed up yet. Then again, with my disability, he would have to push me as I sat on my walker, instead of riding off on the white horse and all that shit from the fairy tales.
While I contemplated the whole idea of how to get me on a large steed, my phone pinged again.
Bryan: So are you going to tell me how many guys you’ve dated.
&n
bsp; There it glared at me in black and white again. Sighing, I finally gave in and typed my response.
Me: Including the guys after I got sick?
Bryan: No, only b4.
Me: 6
Bryan: Total?
Me: Yes.
Bryan: And you’re longest was a month?
Me: Yes.
Bryan: Are you sure your problem isn’t that you need to get laid?
Me: I hate you!
Throwing down my phone in exasperation, I grabbed the toy my dog was licking and threw it across the room. It did nothing to relieve some of the tension and anger I felt, but Curley loved it because he chased it like a mad dog.
Bryan seemed to possess the uncanny ability to say the wrong thing and piss me off. I wanted to slap him, however, since he lived across the country, slapping him was impossible. I pictured slapping him, scratching his face with my nails, and punching him in the stomach. I would probably never do any of that, but it made me feel better. I decided that Bryan was an utter asshole of the first degree.
Chapter 6
Emma
Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
I lost count of how many times my phone made that annoying sound. Granted some could have been my friends, the ones I actually called friends–I have a few–however, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, the majority were from Bryan. I had successfully ignored him for over an hour, but those dings started to grate on my last nerve thirty minutes ago. And I’m adult enough to admit that I acted more like a five–year–old child throwing a temper tantrum more than a woman of 29 when he teased me the way he did.
I knew he jested because between meeting him once, my conversations with Mel, and my recent conversations with him, I got the impression that was who he was. A single sailor who hadn’t a care in the world. In the one night I had spent in his company nearly a year ago, I discovered he had a wicked sense of humor, could out cuss almost anyone I knew, and even when drunk, he won arm wrestling matches. I envisioned the muscles in his arms bulging, his veins throbbing…And I’ve gone off track again.
Exposed: Book One of The Love Seekers Series Page 4