Giving in like I knew I would, I pulled my computer onto my lap and logged on. Yep, I had been right. Two of my other friends were checking in, but the others appeared under Bryan’s name.
I decided to ignore him for now, and instead clicked on Ali’s name first. Seeing her message made me smile. I missed all my friends in Texas, but she was special because she got sick about the time I did, except she had other issues.
Ali: Hey. Checking in. My new treatment was approved and I start next week.
Me: That’s awesome! Happy they finally approved you.
Ali: How everything going?
Me: Bleh. My love life sucks.
Ali: LOL. Mine too.
We continued to laugh and joke a little more, but all too soon she had to go. Moving onto Sammy, I still pretended as if Bryan did not exist temporarily. Too bad by the time I answered her, she had gotten offline. We had been friends since elementary school, and had gotten back in touch thanks to FaceSpace. Now we talked regularly, making sure we kept in touch.
Bryan could not be ignored any longer. Clicking on his name, I read his messages and shook my head. The moment I opened his chat window, the corners of my mouth pulled up. Something so simple had such an impact on me. This was not good.
Bryan: You know you don’t hate me. You love me. LOL.
Well, maybe you dislike me, but prob not. Ha!
Hello?
Where are you?
Come on. You can’t be mad at me.
Hey.
Don’t make me call Mel.
Okay. Maybe I crossed the line a little, but come on already.
Stop running from the truth.
I promise I can handle the truth.
I thought you wanted my help.
Don’t you want advice from the Love Doctor? ;) :P
His messages cracked me up. Reading what he wrote had me snorting with laughing in a very unladylike way and not caring one iota. Who would have heard me anyway? My dog wouldn’t tell on me. He loved me.
With a grin on my face, I continued to giggle as I attempted to respond to him.
Me: Love Doctor? Since when did you earn that particular degree?
Bryan: See, I knew you couldn’t stay away. LOL. As for my degree, I have millions of satisfied customers.
Me: Millions? A little full of yourself, aren’t you?
Or are you counting each individual sperm? LMAO.
Bryan: Oh you got jokes.
Me: Sure do!
Bryan: I haven’t heard any complaints from the couples I’ve helped in the past or from my little swimmers…or the girls I’ve more than pleasured.
Me: Haha! Still full of yourself…or is that full of shit?
Bryan: Maybe one day I’ll let you take stock for yourself. ROFL.
A simple joke, a mere jest between two people, and yet, my breath started coming in fast and shallow as my heart rate accelerated. Pressing my legs together, I tried to relieve some of the ache that appeared as I read his words. Damn, this crush was going to be the death of me. I needed to get over my feelings for him and find someone new, and as soon as I managed that, all would be right with the world again. And the best way for that to happen, would be to take him up on his previous offer. Allowing my “friends” to set me up hadn’t worked. Using an online dating service hadn’t worked. Maybe if his ideas worked, they could push me through my slump.
Taking a deep breath, I released it slowly as I thought about what to type. And then it came to me.
Me: You couldn’t handle all this. I’m just too good for you.
Bryan: Maybe you are.
I couldn’t even begin to tell anyone what those three words did to me. I knew they did not carry the meaning I wished they did, but even so, they made me melt.
Me: So what sage advice are you going to give me, oh wise one?
Bryan: Still with the jokes. But I got you. Should I call you?
What? No, he couldn’t call me. Calling destroyed one of my lines of defense, and if I was going to spill everything to him, I wanted everything to remain as anonymous as possible. A phone or video call became too personal for me.
Me: No, this is fine. I’m slurring a lot today, so it is easier to type.
Bryan: Got it. First things first, we need to work on your self-esteem. Who the fuck cares if you have to use a walker or a cane or that you’re sick.
Add slurring to the list. It doesn’t matter.
Me: Plenty of people. You want a list?
Bryan: They don’t matter anymore.
Me: Easy for you to say.
Bryan: Did you have this issue before you got sick?
Me: Not especially.
Bryan: Which is a big fat YES!
Me: Ouch.
Bryan: Truth hurts, don’t it.
Me: Don’t be a dick.
Bryan: I have a dick, but I don’t think I am one. No wants a dick that big. They couldn’t use it. Where would be the fun in a 6’1” dick? There isn’t…unless we find a giant. If you find a giant, let me know.
Again I laughed. He seemed to be learning when I needed a break and when he could push…maybe. It wouldn’t surprise me if he continued to piss me off time and time again in the near future, as well as the distant future. Thinking about it, about the arguments and disagreements we were bound to have, gave me a small thrill. I could not explain it, but it clung to me like a small child holding onto his mother’s shirt. Presently, however, it lingered somewhere in the background.
Me: K. If I find a giant, you’ll be the first person I tell. If I do, does that mean you will admit you are a 6’+ dick? LOL.
I kept thinking about what it would be like to have this conversation with him in real life. Hearing his voice, seeing his facial expressions, and watching his reactions would have been priceless. Then again, it would wreak havoc on my crush and then my sister would find little bits of me everywhere because I exploded. I had this feeling he was going to become a great friend, which would have been fun if we were closer. On the other hand, I didn’t think I could open up in person.
Bryan: If you manage to find a giant, then maybe. Have any beans lying around? A beanstalk may be the only way to find one. :P
Me: Funny.
Bryan: Always.
Me: So back to our discussion earlier, what is this oh so sage wisdom you want to impart?
Bryan: I already told you. You need to work on your self-esteem. The people who tore you down don’t matter any longer.
Me: Got it. Anything else?
Bryan: I know it isn’t that easy to accept or do, and I’m not expecting you to change overnight…
Me: But?
Bryan: But I know you can do it.
Bryan: You deserve a good guy who will treat you well and will embrace everything you have to offer–including your illness, disease, handicap, disability, or whatever hell else you want to call it.
Me: Thanks.
Bryan: I’m not done.
Me: Do go on.
Sarcastic? Yes. Interested to see what he would say next? Most definitely. My walls went up, and I peered through a small crack in the mortar.
Bryan: You apparently had an issue with your self-esteem before you got sick, and after you got sick, it took a huge hit and suffered.
Me: Maybe.
Bryan: So, stop.
Me: Stop?
Bryan: Yes! You deserve to treat yourself better.
Until you make some strides in that department, you will not catch a guy, but sometimes catching someone’s eye will go a long way in building your confidence.
Me: You sound like a shrink or Dr. Phil.
To myself, I mumbled, “Been watching some daytime drama and talk shows have we?
Bryan: LOL. Maybe I am. Dr. Bryan, or Dr. Sampson, the Love Doctor at your service. Haha.
Me: LMAO. So confident in your abilities. I bet if I went back in time, I could find a couple of unsatisfied customers. Women you might have left hanging because you completed your mission early. ;)
Bryan: Ouch.
Me: Truth hurts.
My words were meant to taunt him, turning his own phrase back on him.
Bryan: You got me right in the heart.
Me: Want me to quote Bon Jovi? ‘Shot through the heart and you’re to blame…’
Bryan: ‘You give love a bad name.’ Well, not you…maybe you do though. LOL. JK.
Good song though.
I chose to ignore his jibe and only respond to his last comment. If I focused on his other remark, I was liable to get upset all over again, and for the moment, we were having fun.
Me: It is.
Bryan: So I know you like Bon Jovi or I assume you at least like that song, what other music do you like?
Me: I feel like I’m filling out a questionnaire for a dating game show or to set up an online profile.
Bryan: A Love Doctor needs to comprehend his clients’ quirks and behaviors so that he may make the perfect love match.
Me: LOL.
Bryan: It’s true.
Me: Save the BS for some other unsuspecting creature. Haha.
Bryan: Okay. Okay.
But seriously, we need to get down to the nitty gritty and help you get past your insecurities.
So…what music do you like?
Me: And this is going to get me over my issues?
I barked with laughter, and Curley peered at me as if I were crazy before he dropped his head back down on the bed, returning to his nap.
Bryan: Couldn’t hurt to practice talking to a guy.
Me: That’s not where I have an issue. Much anyway.
I have guy friends and I talk to them perfectly fine. I just group you in with them.
It’s guys I’m attracted to or the ones I think are cute or the ones that are here in person that I have an issue carrying on a conversation with.
I’m not very good at flirting, and I’m kind of old school.
Bryan: Old school? What the fuck does that mean?
No offense intended.
Me: LOL. None taken. It means that I think the guy should ask the girl. It means that I want to be courted and I want the guy to take charge.
Bryan: I get that, and honestly, I don’t understand why girls want to be all alpha in the relationship. Huge turnoff for me.
I’m not saying I want them to be lie down and take whatever I dish, but yeah. I get you.
His response shocked me. I was completely dumfounded and only managed a one word answer.
Me: Huh.
Bryan: What?
Me: Nothing.
Bryan: No, you have to tell me. What?
Me: It’s just that I figured you being in the Navy and all, you have girls throwing themselves at you all the time.
Or are you going to tell me that doesn’t happen? Or do you ignore them and say, ‘Sorry, not interested’?
Bryan: I wouldn’t say I ignore them per se.
Me: Exactly.
Bryan: But those girls never seem to last, either that or their bravado was only good for the initial approach. LOL.
Me: Takes a lot of courage to approach a hot guy like you.
Bryan: You think I’m hot?
Me: Nope. Not at all. I would hate for your head to get any bigger and explode.
Bryan: Well, depending on the head, it does ‘explode’ quite often, but something tells me that’s not what you were talking about. ;)
I found myself rolling my eyes again. Such a pervert. But I really didn’t have a problem with this side of him. If anything, I had to stop myself from attempting to picture that visual image.
Me: Not exactly.
Bryan: ROFLMAO.
Me: A visual I didn’t need.
Bryan: But you enjoyed it.
Me: Not really.
Maybe I did, but only maybe. Maybe a lot.
Bryan: Admit it.
Me: Not gonna happen.
Had he lost his mind? That was a secret I would take to my grave.
Bryan: LOL.
A lull filled the space between us, but after a minute or two, he filled the void.
Bryan: So what happened to you before? You said last night that you had other things to worry about other than dating. What happened?
Me: Life.
Bryan: That tells me shit.
Me: And that’s all you’re getting for now.
Sorry, but I don’t know you from Adam, and I’m not going to share my life story with anyone today.
Bryan: Tomorrow?
Me: Nope.
Bryan: Day after?
I chuckled. I had laughed more during this conversation than I had in the past month. What did that say about me and my personal life? Yikes.
Me: Maybe one day. ;) That’s all I’ll promise for now.
Bryan: That isn’t a no.
Me: What about you?
Bryan: Me?
Me: Tell me about you. Who is Bryan Sampson?
Why had I asked him to do that? I slapped at my head in stupidity…or perhaps it had more to do with desperation. Maybe both.
Bryan: Quid pro quo. All right? You tell me something and I’ll tell you something.
Me: LOL. Deal, but not now. Tomorrow. My dog is bugging me to take him outside and I just got a text from my sister. Apparently, I’m supposed to go to a BBQ at her house. I already spent the morning with her, but I guess my sisterly duties are not done.
I lied about it all. The walls felt as if they were closing in on me, and I ran away. I had to get offline and decompress, or whatever the hell someone found themselves neck deep and facing shit she never thought she would have to face.
Bryan: I’d make you shake on it if I could, but know this, I will pester you about it tomorrow.
Me: I’m sure you will. TTYL.
Bryan: Later.
Was it bad that the promise of tomorrow gave me butterflies?
Chapter 7
Bryan
As I shutdown my computer, I thought about Emma and everything I had learned about her recently. It boggled my mind that she remained single all these years. She gave as good as she got. She didn’t believe in playing games. And she could joke with the best of them. Yeah, I said she would make a great buddy to hang out with, and I meant that, but there was so much more to her. A girl that drank beer, liked to watch sports, and appeared smart and witty…she was better than one of the guys.
I wondered if this was what Mel meant when she remarked gay guys made the best type of friend because they represented the best of both worlds. Possible.
Something told me whomever Emma ended up with in the future, she would end up busting his balls if he stepped one foot out of line. I couldn’t wait to see it.
Emma was such a strong woman who had been dealt a bad hand. Life had thrown her some curveballs, but somehow, someway, she remained standing. Yes, she had issues to work through, who didn’t, but she had proven that she was a survivor. I had only talked to her a handful of times and I already witnessed that.
In my naval career, I had seen and experienced things that would make many quiver. Not everyone could go to war, fight the enemy, or deal with everything we had to deal with as pilots. I understood that. Sometimes I even wondered why I remained in, and then after talking to Emma, I had this urge to do more. I didn’t know why either. Her disease and my career were two different things.
Maybe I just wanted to be a better man. How many times had I strung a girl along because we were having fun? How many times had I played games or made the girl do all the work?
I had a plethora of woman at my beck and call. As a single man, who surpassed most men in the looks department, it came with the territory. I didn’t do relationships any longer, and yet, after each conversation with Emma, I thought about what it might be like if I shirked off my confirmed bachelor robe and found someone to spend my life with. At the ripe age of 30, my family believed I should start thinking about marriage, however, I knew I wasn’t ready to settle down yet. Maybe in another five or ten years.
Fuck me! Emma
had me twisted and thinking about things I never thought or wanted to think about. No one had ever made me question my life. I flew planes, had fun, and lived life to the fullest. That was all I needed in life. I needed to remain focused on her, and not on myself or my flaws.
I saw her as a work in progress. If the price of getting her to open up and trust me consisted of sharing a small part of my past—select parts, safe parts—I would do that. It might be fun to learn more about her.
I had my own demons that had been buried years ago. Those would remain buried. This was about her, not me. All her.
Chapter 8
Emma
Blame it on the beer, the barbecue, or the fact my sister Ellie decided to have an 80’s movie night, which featured the film Risky Business, at her house, but my dreams that night could only be counted as completely loony. I had only been talking to Bryan for about a week, and yet, I blamed my sister for waking up in the middle of the night wondering what the hell I ate that caused the most ridiculous oddball dream no one could ever imagine.
Running a hand through my hair, I asked my dark room, “What the fuck was that?”
This wasn’t one of those dreams you thought was weird and yet you really can’t remember it to save your life. No, I remembered this dream with full clarity. It had to be my sister’s fault.
Exposed: Book One of The Love Seekers Series Page 5