“I’m so proud of you! You nailed every trick, just like you showed me last week. I knew you would. You will go far, Colt. The world better watch out for my son!” My mother’s smile is full of pride as I exit the ramps hearing her words.
“You looked good, son,” my dad adds, as he wraps an arm around my mother’s shoulders, and Jamie, my little sister, stands beside them.
“It felt so good to be up there.” Pride is thunderous in my voice. This is my first professional competition that my mom pushed for me to enter. I caved and decided to take a chance.
“You’re going to go places, but the first one is to come over here and give your mother a hug!” Her arms wrap around my neck as she pulls me into her, squeezing tightly “Ohhh! Your score is up! Look at that!” She releases her tight grip on me as I turn to look up at the screen.
I immediately see my name in the number one spot. Another smile breaks across my face. I was the last rider in this run. I just won first place in my first competition as a professional rider. I can’t contain my excitement, and I throw my fist in the air.
“Hell, yes!”
“Good thing you wore a TBX shirt. This will be great for business. Good job, Colt.”
“Bryan, let’s not talk business. I just want to celebrate with my son!”
“Holy shit! You killed it. Killed. It. This is Ride or Run, Colt. Do you know what that means!? Damn, this fuckin’ rocks. You fuckin’ rock!” Parker yells as he runs up to our family. He rode earlier in the competition and placed fifth.
“Can I get your autograph?” A kid about fifteen years old runs up with his friends as they all hold out pens and pieces of paper for me to actually sign. Me. I am not much older than these kids, so this is crazy.
I look over at my mom and the smile has never left her face. It’s so good to see her this way when a few days ago she was bedridden with depression.
“Uh- sure. What’s your name?” I sign my name to several pieces of paper, and it seems like when I am almost done, more kids show up. Once I sign the last page I am handed, my dad pulls me aside with a pat on the back.
“I’m proud of you, son. You represented TBX with honor today. We need to get more stock in soon because I have a feeling we will need to fill a lot more orders. I want TBX to sponsor you and your brother. No one else. Not right now. This will be good for our family.”
“Sounds good; I can ride and represent my family at the same time.” Pride is strong in my voice. We wait to hear the final announcement of the scores as a family when my mom adds, “I will always be your number one fan, Colt. I love you.”
“I know, Mom. I love you, too.”
The buzzer sounds, calling Parker back to the deck and me out of memory lane. I’m itching to exit. I look out scanning the crowd and again I’m reminded my number one fan, my mom, is not here.
“Kill it,” Parker demands, as he jumps off his bike and unclips his helmet.
I’ve always lived for BMX until Brealynn. Now that we’re over, will I be able to perform on the same level I was at before? Propped up on my bike at the top of the ramp, I look up and to the left, scanning the crowd. When my eyes land on a blonde, I know it is not her. My brain wants me to think it is, but I know better.
Here goes nothing, I think as I drop down the ramp heading toward the flat bottom. The adrenaline rush kicks in and my whole body feels like a livewire. This is what I love. This is what has never let me down.
Brealynn
“Oh, honey, I hate to hear that.” I’ve avoided my mom’s calls for as long as I could before she started texting my phone as if a killer had kidnapped me. Literally, she was trying to reason with my imaginary kidnaper. They started off normal, and then…
I haven’t talked to you all day, missy. Call me. -Mom
Your mother requests a phone call. -Mom
I’m beginning to worry. Are you in a ditch, passed out from a crazy kegger? I wouldn’t know because you don’t call your mother. -Mom
Okay. I have come to the conclusion that the only reason you wouldn’t call me is because you’ve been kidnapped. So, nice kidnapper, please release my daughter’s hands long enough to call her sweet, caring, loving mom. I’d greatly appreciate it. -Mom
I take it you want ransom money. I have twenty dollars. Surely, that will be of interest to you. -Mom
Can you at least send a picture of my precious daughter holding a newspaper? You really need to work on your kidnapping skills. I’m starting to think that I’m the one doing all the leg work here. -Mom
You get the picture. Needless to say, I finally broke down and told her everything.
“I loved him, Mom. What’s wrong with me? I can’t seem to get love right.” I sigh into the phone as I plop back onto my pillow. My room is such a mess; my bed isn’t even made. My whole life is a mess so I guess it makes sense my room is, too.
“Nothing is wrong with you. You will find the right man one day, sweetie.”
“I thought I already had. It hurts so badly, I don’t think the ache will ever numb. How do I make it through this? How do I relay to my heart that he isn’t what I thought? That he doesn’t love me. That he wasn’t who I thought I saw in him.” A tear slides down my cheek. Over the past few days, the tears have lessened, thanks to willpower, but my reserve is always full.
“Are you sure that he isn’t what you saw in him? If you doubt even a little bit, maybe you should rethink talking to him.”
Am I sure? Over the past few days, I have given him a lot of thought. I know he is a good man. Maybe he is just not meant to be in a relationship. After all, it is Colt we are talking about. I’ve watched him over the almost two years I’ve been at college. He fucks ‘em and leaves ‘em, that’s just him.
Or that used to be him, maybe? Don’t lie to yourself Brealynn, that’s not healthy.
“I don’t know, Mom. It’s over now. I just need to get over him and move on with my life. There is more to my life than Colt Taylor.”
“Love can be a tricky thing. The brain can trick the heart into thinking it’s protecting itself from heartache or the heart can trick the brain into thinking what it feels is love, but when the heart and the brain line up and are on the same team, that love is one you don’t ever want to lose. So, make sure you are listening to both sides before you cause yourself more heartache than needed. I love you and know you will do what you feel is right. I hate that you are hurting. I wish I could take it away, but I can’t. You will have to figure this one out on your own. Mom can’t fix your boo boo this time, sweetie.”
“Thanks, Mom. I love you, too.” I sigh again. She is right, like always.
“Don’t ignore my calls again. I love you, but I will hunt you down.”
My smile is tight, still trying to hold the tears at bay. “Got it. Bye, Mom.”
Laying my phone on the nightstand, I look around the room. I should really pick it up. I need to get my life back in order.
Colt is sticking by his word and not calling, texting, or showing up at my dorm. My heart longs to see him, to touch him. I just don’t understand. I would’ve given him all of my heart. I guess that’s where I messed up. He said he was trying with me…well, he didn’t try hard enough.
Brealynn
Since it is Spring Break, there are many parties going on around campus. After the past five days, Kelsey has finally talked me into going to one. Other than going to 903, I haven’t left the dorms. Even in my drunken state, I couldn’t stand Nick. I faked nausea and we left soon after he arrived at the bar.
I know, I know, what was I thinking in the first place? Well, obviously I wasn’t.
As we pull into the residential neighborhood, there are cars parked up and down both sides of the road. Tim parallel parks between two cars and kills the engine.
“Let’s party, duo!” he declares with a clap of his hands. Tim invited us, and Kelsey continued to hound me until I agreed. When we reach the brick house, there are signs all over the door that say things like:
&nb
sp; “Shit happens when you party naked!”
or
“What happens on Spring Break, stays on Spring Break!”
and
“Shots about to go down!”
When Tim opens the door, we are assaulted by loud music while bodies dance around us. Walking into the house, I see a photo booth set up with all types of customs, including a white unicorn head. These people are prepared to get wild and weird.
Making our way through the kitchen and out the back door, we immediately walk out onto a make-shift dance floor and find buckets overflowing with Jell-O shots. It instantly takes my mind back to when Colt sucked the Jell-O shot off me at his welcome home party…
“Smile, Brea! Here, take a shot!” she yells over the music, forcing a shot into my hands. ‘Boom Clap’ by Charlie XCX starts blaring through the speakers, and Kelsey drags me out into the crowd to dance. Tim follows us and starts doing the sprinkler, which transfers into the running man. They’re the funniest dance moves I’ve ever seen.
It feels good to be laughing and having a great time. I embrace the feeling. This is my life now, and as long as Kelsey and Tim are involved, it’s not a bad life.
Kelsey and I have been waiting in line for what seems like years to use the bathroom. It’s no surprise that both of us are already drunk.
“Hurry the hell up!” Kelsey shouts as she bangs on the door with balled up fist. There’s a scuffle and the door whips open to Tim, who has just finished the last button on his pants. He’s smiling, but my heart stops when I see the girl who is occupying the bathroom with him. Long, wavy brunette hair frames her face. Her eyes look familiar, a deep chocolate brown. She finishes pulling her shirt over her head.
“It’s all yours.” As she saunters out past me, it hits me why she looks so familiar. She was one of the girls with Colt in the picture I was tagged in.
“Dang, get you some!” Kelsey cheers to Tim as she slaps his back in congratulations. He looks a little shocked when he sees us standing there but recovers quickly.
“Let’s go dance!” Slut Face calls out to him as they stand before us.
“Hi, I’m Kelsey and this is Brealynn. We are friends with Tim,” Kelsey interrupts since my voice box is currently out of service.
“Brealynn?” She turns to search my face. “I think Colt mentioned you last week,” she replies with squinty, assessing eyes and a smile.
Does she know I’m his girlfriend? Was his girlfriend.
She has a lot of nerve.
“I’m Jamie. Colt’s sister.”
His what? They have a sister!
“Jamie! Are you going to take these shots with me or not!” I hear before I see the girl approach.
“Natalie! This is Brealynn and Kelsey, friends of Tim and Colt.” She takes the shot from Natalie’s hand.
“You could say that,” I add, finally finding my voice.
“Oh, I love Colt!” Natalie declares with a smile.
Yeah, me too.
These girls have no idea who I am. He didn’t even bother to admit he was with me, but then again, if you want to fuck another girl, you don’t start with ‘I have a girlfriend.’ It takes all of my willpower to stay calm. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs in frustration and anger. Here I was, falling in love with him. What a stupid, stupid girl I am. I’d laugh at how I keep ending up in this situation, but the anger overrides the pity.
“Colt and Brealynn dated,” Kelsey blurts out.
I turn and give her a death stare.
“You mean they fucked. Colt doesn’t date.” Natalie laughs and adds, “Sorry sweetheart. It sucks to learn the hard way, trust me.”
“No. We dated, up until last week when I saw him with you.” It irritates me that she thinks she knows Colt better than I do. Who does this girl think she is? The group we are standing in gets quiet.
I knew it. I knew he fucked her.
“You’re fucking my brother, again! You know better, Nat. He is just going to hurt you, again!” Jamie’s voice is full of worry.
Natalie looks between everyone in our group and then confesses, “Brealynn, I don’t know who your source is, but Colt and I haven’t had anything between us in years.” She looks sincere.
I reach into my pocket to drag out my phone, then pull up the photo and turn my phone to show Jamie and Natalie.
“Shit,” Jamie mutters with remorse.
So something did happen.
My head is spinning.
“I was so shit-faced, Brealynn. He came here to pick me up, and I made him stay,” she admits with shame all over her face.
“Nothing happened. We just hung out and took a few pictures. I hadn’t seen him in a while. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’ve known Colt a long time. I had no idea he had a girlfriend, and if I had known, I would have never...” She cringes. “Licked his neck. I’m so sorry.”
For some reason, I believe her. Colt has apparently not mentioned a lot of things. He has a sister he failed to ever announce, but it’s the fact that he really was telling me the truth about what I thought I knew that guts me the most.
Colt
The Florida air is buzzing with excitement when the last rider exits the ramp. The crowd is ready to party. I wasn’t going to stay around for the after party, but plans change I guess. Landing a girl for the night used to be my main priority, but tonight, the only girl I want is Brealynn.
When my numbers hit the scoreboard, the smile that normally takes over my face never comes. Parker gives his congratulatory pat on the back that he always does, but I’m trying to get my mind to grasp the fact that she isn’t here. You know that moment when you lose something so valuable that the world around you crashes and tunnel vision sets in? And you don’t know how you’re going to be able to breathe again unless you get it back?
Welcome to my new world.
I push and shove through the crowd that has doubled since the final scores posted. My score of 96.6 took first place. Yeah, it surprised me, too. I have always thought I could ride in my sleep if I had to, and that’s pretty much what I did today.
My heart was fifteen hours away.
Parker was close behind me with a score of 96.2, which landed him second place. He was really on his game tonight. In fact, he has been in a great mood since we left for Florida. Getting him away from Kelsey has been good for him.
I hear a lot of people throwing praise toward my direction. The further I walk into the crowd, the more cheers begin. My name is on everyone’s lips, and I can’t help the smile that finally spreads over my face.
“I knew no matter what, you’d kill it!” Parker pats me on the back, grinning, and a beer in his hand. Looking around, I take in the amount of people who are here. Hundreds.
“Good job, son.” My smile instantly falls at the sound.
Of course, it doesn’t surprise me that my dad showed up. He loves the attention our talent brings him. Being our sole sponsor, the name Taylor is everywhere on our gear. The girl he has hanging on his arm, wearing a TBX shirt, only fuels my anger toward him. He uses our name like it’s nothing to him. Let’s not forget the wife that shared the Taylor name.
“Aunt Elaine come with you?” At my short clipped question toward my dad, the girl looks puzzled.
“She decided to stay close to Jamie.” His eyes roam everywhere, but on mine, his voice detached. I honestly think he doesn’t give a shit about our family any longer, maybe he never really did. He only cares when it benefits him.
I used to think I was just like the man standing in front of me. We are more alike than I care to ever admit out loud, but I’ve turned a new leaf now. I’m not the same guy I was over six months ago. His eyes bore into mine threatening me to make another move. He doesn’t like to discuss Jamie or anything involving our family. Guess that’s what happens when your wife would rather be dead than married to you.
I watched her stand by his side my entire life. Not once did he appreciate her. My mother became lost in his black hole of
lies and love. ‘I love your father with everything I am,’ she once told me when I was ten years old. Over the next couple of years, watching their marriage, I vowed to never love anyone. Love makes you lose yourself.
The day I got the phone call and learned of my mother’s accident, I immediately went to her house. I couldn’t believe it. There was no way my mother—my number one fan—was no longer breathing the same oxygen as me. Busting through my parents’ bedroom door, I found my dad on his knees beside the bed clutching her pillow and a letter. She had left behind a note the day she died. It wasn’t a coincidence.
An orange and red streaked sunset is taking over the sky. I can feel the salt from the ocean blowing in the wind, coating my skin. I wonder what Brealynn is doing right now. This night would have been perfect for a barefoot walk on the beach or a late night stroll on the boardwalk. I would have loved for her to have been with me today, cheering me on. Thoughts of sharing my whole world with her consume me. I miss her so fucking much and there isn’t a damn thing that I can do about it.
She let me go.
“Of course,” I reply back to my dad, distracted by the vibrating of my phone. My screen shows a missed call and voicemail from Brealynn and a text from Tim. My stomach dips.
She called me.
Putting the phone up to my ear, I listen as her sweet southern voice flows out of my phone. “Colt, I – uh – we need to talk. Please call me,” she begs, her voice full of so much emotion it causes me to choke up. Before I can swipe my phone to call her back, I receive another text, but this time it’s an image.
Ding.
Ding.
Ding.
One right after the other.
I click on the text, and a picture of Nick whispering in Brealynn’s ear with his arm around her takes over my screen.
Then:
Another picture of Brealynn laughing, looking at Nick, sitting at a bar and they look way too damn cozy.
Break Me Page 14