Halfway Down the Stairs

by Gary A Braunbeck

  “I’m sorry, Mommy.”

  “Not half as much as I am. C’mon. I suppose we should get you something to eat. Just eat it quick. I need to get back.”

  “Yes, Mommy.”

  V

  Leah finished untying the funny rubber band from around her mother’s arm and threw it on top of the box they kept all their clothes in. Leah didn’t understand why her mother always left that thing around her arm; she had lots of time to take it all the way off after the needle-thing but she never did: she just loosened it enough so the vein would go back down after she stuck the needle in. Then she shook a lot and made weird noises, sighing and growling at the same time. A lot of the time Leah even had to take the needle out of her mother’s arm after Mommy went to sleep sort-of and that made her nervous because she was afraid she might slip and Mommy would start to bleed too much and maybe die. She didn’t like these nights because Mommy wasn’t her mother anymore, she was like some zombie from those old black-and-white horror movies Jewel watched on his television. Mommy knew a lot of zombies; they always came around to see her after the dark-coat man gave her money for her babies.

  They all had black eyes and runny noses and were shaky and smelled like old hamburger. Their skin was gray and crusty and all of them had the same little hole-bruises on their arms. They would give Mommy a little money or food or something for a “taste” of the needle-stuff and then light the candles. Leah thought that part was kind of pretty; all of them sitting huddled over the candles, heating up the shiny spoons and lighting the sticks that smelled like Christmas trees. They would laugh and tell jokes and the candle flames made them all look like broken dolls, and it was kind of soft and glowing...but then they’d take out the needles and those funny rubber bands that they wrapped around their arms and it wasn’t pretty anymore.

  That’s when Leah would leave to go see Buddy.

  Just like tonight. She was glad that Mommy had done the needle-thing by herself because that meant Leah didn’t have to worry about someone else trying to stop her, so she wadded up some old clothes and put them under her mother’s head for a pillow, covered her with an old rug so she wouldn’t get too cold, and silently crept to the bottom of the stairs. This was fun, like she was in one of those old movies where they were escaping from jail. She reached the bottom of the stairs and walked straight ahead into the middle of the basement where a bunch of barrels were stacked up, then pushed one of them aside and crawled through the opening, careful not to jostle anything and make the stack come crashing down. In the middle of the floor was a loose board, and Leah slid it to one side. This part was never hard to do, the warehouse was all stinking and falling apart, anyway, like all the buildings around here. There were probably all kinds of loose boards that she could rip up, but she didn’t want to. This was her special board, her special secret; she had first seen Buddy’s lights glowing from underneath this loose board, and because she wanted to keep it a secret, she had stacked all the barrels around it like a bunch of pop cans so no one else would be able to find it. She didn’t ever want Mommy to find out about Buddy because then she’d probably tell the dark-coat man about it and Leah just knew that dark-coat man had been talking about Buddy when asked about her having any other friends.

  Sometimes she felt like she had to be scared all the time.

  She couldn’t stop thinking about what Mommy had said to her, about letting Jewel take her up to his room. That hurt Leah because she loved her mother; very, very much.

  She squeezed through the opening left by the missing board, turned around once she was inside, and pulled the board back into place. This way, no one would ever be able to find her. The way she felt right now, Leah wasn’t sure she ever wanted to go back to her mother; maybe if she didn’t come back, Mommy would know how she felt when she was left alone all the time.

  In the darkness Leah could hear the sounds of rats running back and forth. That was good, because it meant the rats were scared and that meant that Buddy was waiting for her.

  She scooted over onto her butt and slid down the dirt incline. This part was fun, too; it was like going down the slide at one of the playgrounds Mommy let her play on once. Even though she’d only been able to go down the slide one time, Leah never forgot what it felt like because it made her think that she was going home; the speed, the feeling that she could take flight at any moment, the wind pressing against her—wherever she was supposed to be instead of here, she’d found some small part of it that day on the sliding board.

  She hit the bottom of the sub-basement with a moist thud and heard the rats screech and run into the deeper darkness. It was hard to see down here, so she got on her hands and knees and moved forward very slowly. This was the hard part, making sure she didn’t get all mixed-up in the dark. She slid her hands forward, then dragged her legs; once, twice, three times, and on the third time she felt the cold metal under her fingers.

  The door to the Rusty Room.

  She took a deep breath and rose up on her knees—she had to be strong for this because the door was heavy—and worked her fingers into a crack right along the top and pulled.

  The door came up with a loud screech! sound that felt like an icepick stuck in her ears. She fell back, panting, then held her breath and listened; she always expected Mommy to wake up when the door made that noise and come looking for her.

  But she never did. It was like all she cared about was her needle-thing and not about where Leah was.

  She crawled forward once again and peered down; there was a little light tonight, sort of red-blue, and that was enough for her to see the rounded walls of the metal tunnel, so she scooted around, slid her legs in, and pushed forward, sliding down the metal tunnel and laughing. She couldn’t help laughing; this was fun, even more fun than the sliding board.

  She landed on the floor and slid forward a few more feet because the floor of the Rusty Room was made out of black glass; at least, that’s what it looked like to Leah. In the middle of the room was a tall pillar that narrowed in the center and supported part of the domed ceiling. The walls were made out of some kind of metal that was very old and had started rusting over the years; the room smelled like dust and copper, and sometimes when Leah would touch one of the walls, the rust came off on her hands, revealing layers upon layers of much older rust underneath. In one of the corners of the room—and it puzzled Leah that a room so round would actually have squared corners—was a hole that looked like something had exploded there. One time she stuck her head through the hole and saw the River of Ash-People that went on and on, farther than she could see even with a flashlight. Buddy had told her that the Ash-People weren’t all people, some of them were animals and other creatures that didn’t quite work out as planned. She wasn’t sure she knew what Buddy meant by that, but, still, they were all pretty neat, like sand sculptures people made at the beach in summer. From what she understood, the Ash-People had all gotten caught in some kind of fire-flood, like volcano lava, and had been washed down here where they were forever frozen in one position when the lava hardened.

  It seemed kind of sad to her that all of the Ash-People looked like they were reaching upward, hoping someone would pull them out and take them home because they didn’t really belong here. She wondered if that mammoth Merc talked about had been reaching up when the scientists found it.

  She decided not to say hello to the Ash-People tonight, and hoped they’d understand. She had important things to talk about with Buddy.

  Then she noticed that Buddy had written some more words on the wall above the hole:

  someone come

  be there in the morning

  when I

  wake up

  with your silver thread

  to lead me out

  I don’t belong here

  who will take me?

  someone come

  A few feet away from the central pillar was a doorway, and above the door there was a sign of some sort, printed in raised letters (she guessed they were let
ters, anyway; she’d never seen anything quite like them) that shone with an almost eerie phosphorescence, just like all those neon signs downtown where Jewel lived. The red-blue light she’d seen from above earlier came from those letters, and gave off enough light that she could make her way around the Rusty Room without banging into anything—not that there was much to bang in to; just a large white table like in a doctor’s office, and a bunch of things that looked like leather coffins stacked one on top of the other.

  “Buddy?” she called softly.

  And waited to be answered by music that was both primitive and majestic; clicks, grunts, wheezing whistles, then a series of trills, arpeggios, and multi-toned flutings: all parts of Buddy’s language. A long time ago, when she’d first met him, Buddy had put her on the table and done something to her head with a gizmo that looked like one of those things doctors looked in your ears with, only Buddy’s gizmo had a kind of liquidy spring attached that uncoiled like a snake and went into her ears and then deeper. It had tickled a lot, but ever since then Leah had been able to understand what Buddy was saying to her.

  “I know I’m late. I’m sorry, but Mommy...Mommy sold the baby tonight and then we had to go and get some of her needle-stuff.”

  Still, she was answered by silence. That was all right, though; sometimes Buddy didn’t feel like talking or showing himself. It was enough for Leah to just know he was around. She could feel him near.

  “I got a bag of King Dons the doctor gave me!” She pulled the crushed bag from under her shirt. “Uh-oh. They got squished. But that’s okay, they still taste real good, they’re just kinda messy.” She worked the remains of one from its package and held it out. “You want one? I saved a package for you.”

  Silence.

  “Okay, if you’re sure. I’ll probably eat ‘em all. I’m still kinda hungry. Mommy bought me a hamburger but I didn’t get to eat it all ‘cause she was in a hurry.” She shrugged. “It was kinda greasy, anyway.”

  She devoured the first package of cakes and then opened the next one. “I wish you weren’t so quiet tonight, Buddy. I missed you. Mommy, she...I dunno. I think she does that needle-thing because she’s sad about something and it won’t leave her alone. Sometimes, when she talks about how she first met my daddy, she gets all sad, then mean. I don’t really understand a lot about it. I don’t get what a metal cave is supposed to be, unless it’s something like your place. Buddy. I guess maybe that’s it, and maybe that’s what makes her sad enough to do the needle-thing. I bet that’s why all of them do the needle-thing, to make the sad go away. I just wish...” She wiped her eyes, surprised that she’d started crying again.

  I just wish that she didn’t have to give the babies to the dark-coat man for money. She gave him my little sister. I never had a little sister before and I didn’t even get to name her.

  “I wish you’d say something. You’re my best-best friend. I love you, Buddy.”

  She was answered only by silence, but in that silence she felt Buddy’s confusion; not at her being sad, or hungry, or about Mommy and the babies and the needle-stuff, but at one word: love. It wasn’t that Buddy didn’t know what love was, because he did, in his way; what confused him was that Leah felt such deep and strong affection for him.

  “Okay, I g-guess you don’t feel like company tonight. I’ll come back again tomorrow night, okay? I’ll save you some of the King Dons, in case you change your mind.” She made her way over to the metal tunnel and saw that Buddy had, as usual, turned it into a ladder so she could climb back up.

  She started up, and then swung out, one hand still gripping a rung, and waved good-night to the Ash-People.

  Above the hole, some new words had been written:

  and where do I live?

  in the empty spaces where

  a spirit should be

  among the odd, damaged ones

  in hollow houses of flesh

  and bone

  that the Belonging will not

  see

  someone come

  one last time

  I will wait for you

  you ask who will take me?

  someone come

  and answer

  soon.

  tomorrow.

  within the cell, life is long, life is hard.

  within the cell, life is hard.

  and home is a cruel joke.

  someone come.

  “Okay,” said Leah, smiling. “I’ll come back tomorrow.”

  VI

  Mommy was wake when Leah got back, but there was a man with her and they were doing the grabbing thing. Leah hated that because Mommy always screamed a lot when she did the grabbing thing with a man, but she knew that the grabbing thing was how babies were made because Randi had told her about it once, because that’s what hookers did, except they didn’t want to have babies so they just did it for fun. Like Mommy sometimes did with one of her needle-friends.

  Leah sat in a dark corner where they couldn’t see her, listening to her mother moan and scream and say fuck-me-yes-yes.

  Leah cried, wishing that Buddy had felt like company.

  VII

  After it was over, Leah watched as her mother and the man lay naked in the candlelight, sweating. She hoped that the grabbing thing was over because she was getting hungry again. Maybe Mommy would be in a good mood now and give her some money so she could buy a hot dog or taco or something.

  She walked out of the darkness and the man laying next to her mother sat up and smiled.

  “So that’s her, huh, babe?”

  “Yeah...”

  “Wow. I ain’t never seen a...a whatchamacallit—space-baby before.”

  “Not much to look at, is she?”

  “Hey, I think she’s real pretty. Like her mom.”

  “Mommy’s just a former abductee.”

  “Yeah, but them saucer-men must’ve got themselves a real taste for that nice Earth-snatch of yours, what with them always asking those dudes to bring you back so they can have some more.”

  “Fuck you.”

  “You just did.”

  “Oh, yeah, now I remember.” They laughed, and Leah laughed, too, then came over and stood next to Mommy and said, “Can I have some money to buy a hot dog?”

  “You already ate once today.”

  “Please?”

  Mommy jumped up and slapped her hard across the mouth, knocking Leah back into the boxes.

  “I said no!”

  “...’kay,” whimpered Leah, wiping the blood from her chin and trying hard not to cry.

  “Her blood’s the same color as ours,” said the man.

  “So what?”

  “So, I dunno...it’s interesting, that’s all.”

  “Shit! Only reason I keep her is because they give me more money each time to make sure I don’t accidentally leave her someplace. But that ends next month. She’ll be six then, and I guess there’s something that happens to them when they turn six, something important, so they’re gonna take her to the Center.”

  “But you said they was gonna take you, too.”

  “Do I look stupid? I know damn well that when they show up to get us, there’re gonna be two cars ‘cause they’ll want us to ride separate, and hers’ll be the only car with a passenger when they get there. I mean, it ain’t like they couldn’t still use me, but Mr. I’m-In-Charge, he don’t like me so much.”

  The man hmmm’d, then picked up one of the needles. “And this shit don’t have no effect on the babies?”

  “Nope. They’ve all been real healthy.”

  The man looked at Leah. “You ever do any experimentin’ on her?”

  “Like what?”

  “Ever send her tripping?”

  Leah wondered then, for the first time, if the needle-thing was their way of Removing themselves from what was going on around them.

  Mommy looked at her and smiled. “It’s not like I have to take care of her now, is it? They won’t be giving me any more money.”

  “
I hear Mexico’s real pretty this time of year. You ‘n me, we take your money and your stash, we maybe hit Jewel’s for some extra, then head on down. We could set ourselves up pretty good.”

  Mommy threw off the rug she’d been using for a blanket. “She’s been nothing but a pain in the ass since she was born. Let’s do it.”

  Mommy’s eyes looked just like the dark-coat man’s and Leah tried to get to her feet and run away but she was still dizzy from being hit so hard and Mommy and the man were on top of her before she could even stand up straight and one of them hit her real hard in the mouth with a fist and everything went white and then she felt the rubber band being tied around her arm and then a sting and she cried out for Buddy to come and save her but then the world went liquid and runny and numb...

  VIII

  ...she was back at the Wall of Skulls, only now the skulls had grown flesh and become faces again, and all of them were talking but no sound emerged from their mouths; all she could hear were tings! and buzzes and beeps. Climbing on the faces, she made her way up to the top of the wall where a Wooly Mammoth stood in front of a pinball machine, concentrating for all it was worth. She said hello and it looked over its shoulder at her. It had Buddy’s black-almond eyes. “Come on,” it said. “I’m getting tired. You take over for me.”

  Leah stood in front of the pinball machine and placed her hands on the buttons. Even though she wasn’t doing anything, the machine went crazy; lights blinking, silver balls shooting all over the place and bouncing off the bumpers, the score ding-ding-dinging higher and higher, and she began to remove her hands but the Mammoth said, “No, just keep a grip on the machine and it’ll continue to work.” So she did.

  The Mammoth stood next to her and pointed with its trunks to field that lay beyond the wall. “Everything dies,” it said, “but we only know about it as a kind of abstraction. If you were to go out into that field and stand in the middle, almost everything you can see is in the process of dying, and most of those things will be dead long before you are. If it weren’t for the constant renewal and replacement going on before your eyes—even though you can’t see most of it—the whole world would turn to stone and sand underneath your feet. Everything dies. But there are some things that do not seem to die at all; they simply vanish totally into their own progeny.” The Mammoth paused for a moment to munch on a few buttercups.