Perhaps Love

by Lindsay Armstrong

  She parted her lips to speak, but he shook his head almost imperceptibly. ‘It’s my turn now, Sasha. And when I’ve said it all, then if you want to, we can make love, and if you still love me and trust me, it will be the best way for you, and for me—as I told you once.’

  His lips twisted with inward mockery as he studied her wide eyes. Then he said abruptly, ‘Do you know when it first struck me what I’d turned my back on after my so noble renunciation of you, Sasha? Not more than two hours’ flying time out of Melbourne. And it came like a loneliness that was so strong, I couldn’t believe it. It was as if all the grace and beauty had gone out of the world for me and the rest was only … dust. And it grew, even although I repeated to myself over and over what I’d told you that … that night of the party. That you were too young to really know what you wanted and that I was too old, not so much in years, but in every other way, and that all I could bring to the sort of blinding purity that was Sasha Derwent was disillusionment and pain.’

  His voice cracked slightly as he went on. ‘And for almost two months I managed to convince myself of this. Then one day the urge to see you again was so strong, I couldn’t resist it. And I tried to pretend to myself that it would be enough just to see you, but deep down I knew it wouldn’t be. And I knew I’d been an incredible fool and that once I saw you again I’d do all in my power to rectify the mistake I made in letting you go the way I did. But on the very day I decided to get out of the living hell I was in . ..’ He stopped and drew a deep breath. ‘Well, I discovered there were some foolish mistakes you pay very dearly for. And … keep on paying for, it seemed, until I thought I’d go mad.’

  Sasha stared up at him, almost afraid to breathe in case this was a dream that would shatter like a sheet of glass at the tiniest movement. But if anything, it was the dark, tortured look in his eyes perhaps more than his words that made her lift her hand and touch his face.

  ‘Heath?’ she breathed tremulously, her eyes huge and questioning.

  He caught her hand and pressed it to his lips. Then he said indistinctly, ‘I know. It must be hard to believe after some of the things I said and did. I even tried to convince myself that if I couldn’t have you, at least I’d know you’d be safe with Brent. But I soon found out what poor consolation that thought was. You spoke … earlier of a thorn in your flesh—that was mine, one of them.’ He closed his eyes and grimaced wryly. ‘And when I said earlier that I knew there was something not quite right between you and Brent, I was never as confident of it as I made out. One day I’d be sure of it and the next, just as sure that, it was only what I wanted to think. Then, that last day in the hospital, it seemed to me as if the time had come to put all my cards on the table. An entirely unexpected opportunity. But suddenly I couldn’t do it. I just didn’t have the courage.’

  Sasha trembled in his arms, any doubts she might have still had about the unreality of what he was saying swept away by this confession of his own strange lack of self-confidence. For this was territory she knew well herself.

  But Heath went on before she could speak. ‘And for these last few months I’ve regretted everything I said that day, but even more, what I didn’t say. But the bitterest thought of all was that you’d taken my own advice—just as I’d told you you would, you’d grown out of me.’

  She smiled faintly then, a wise little smile and he studied the curve of her lips intently with his lids half lowered.

  ‘Sasha …’

  ‘No, Heath,’ she murmured. ‘It’s my turn again. Only it’s not very original—just this. Could you kiss me, please?’

  Never for a moment did she regret what followed. The way he kissed her or the way he laid her back on the bed and eased her out of her sarong and bikini with his hands lingering on her body and a bright steady flame in his eyes as he gazed down at her.

  Then he lay down beside her and showed her what he had meant when he had said—that’s half the pleasure of it. Skin touching skin, mine touching yours, first my hands, then my mouth, then my body on yours … And she couldn’t believe the beauty of it, or Heath, or how he sensed her moment of panic when his movements became stronger and more urgent and how he retreated and murmured her name over and over again until she relaxed and such a tide of desire, evoked by his hands and his lips, rose within her that her transition from girlhood to womanhood was a thing of joy and splendour. And the tears she shed were only tears of supreme happiness.

  ‘Don’t cry,’ said Heath, his lips just touching the corner of her mouth as they still lay within each other’s arms.

  ‘I’m not crying,’ she whispered back. ‘I mean, I am …’

  ‘I know. You taste salty.’

  ‘But only because I love you so, Heath. And I loved …’ She broke off and coloured beneath his eyes.

  ‘Loved me making love to you?’ he supplied with a lurking smile.

  ‘Yes,’ she said huskily. ‘Did you—I mean . ..’ She stopped uncertainly.

  He kissed her eyelids and when he spoke it wasn’t quite evenly as he said, ‘So much so, my darling, I’m afraid I’m hopelessly addicted to you. So you better take pity on me and marry me as soon as possible. But, Sasha …’

  ‘Thank you for those kind words,’ she interrupted teasingly. ‘They make me feel like Topsy—growed and growed.’

  ‘Sweetheart!’ ‘

  ‘And I much prefer that to Blossom. Yes, Heath?’ she queried demurely.

  He raised himself on one elbow and grinned crookedly down at her. ‘Never mind. I have just the solution for impudent child brides who won’t let their elders get a word in edgeways. Come.’

  He slid off the bed and swung her up into his arms.

  ‘Where?’ she asked in faint surprise as she linked her arms about his neck, and then gasped as he took no notice and stepped on to the terrace.

  ‘Heath …’

  ‘No one can see us,’ he said reassuringly.

  The night was dark but the light of a million stars cast a silver sheen on the water as he lowered her to her feet and held out his hand to her.

  ‘You’ll love this too.’

  He was right. They waded in hand in hand and then he turned to her when they were about breast deep and took her in his arms, and Sasha caught her breath as the warm tropical sea caressed them, bringing a new dimension to the feel of his hard strong body against hers.

  ‘Didn’t I tell you?’ he murmured, and kissed her throat. ‘Now will you let me say what I wanted to say?’

  She nodded wordlessly.

  ‘I love you, Sasha. And without you … I’m nothing but a shell with no sense of direction, no purpose. And I might just as well be blind, because you’re like the light of my life. Only there’s no real reason for you to believe in me.’

  ‘Yes, there is,’ she said huskily. ‘I always have, you see. But you’ve also convinced—perhaps the most doubting person in the world. And it was she who sent me to you.’

  ‘I wouldn’t call my mother that,’ he said with a wry twist of his lips. ‘And I thought it was your father who might have .. .’ He stopped and looked at her curiously.

  ‘It was neither of them,’ she said. ‘Although I suspect my father was a collaborator, because I don’t think I ever fooled him—but it was Edith.’

  Heath went very still. Then he said in dazed tones, ‘Dear God!’

  Sasha wound her arms around his neck. ‘So you see, Heath,’ she murmured, ‘how could I not believe in you, when you come with such a high recommendation?’

  ‘I… I’m amazed. And I can’t think how I could ever repay her.’

  ‘I can,’ Sasha said quietly. ‘We’ll make her godmother to our first child.’

  He kissed the tip of her nose. ‘Then we definitely better get married soon,’ he said with a laugh in his voice.

  ‘You keep saying that,’ she teased. ‘I hope it doesn’t mean you’re going to make me wait until we’re married before you … do what you did to me so beautifully just now.’

  ‘Do you
mean this?’ he said innocently, and moulded her body to his intimately so that she closed her eyes at the wonder of it and buried her face in his shoulder in sudden shy confusion.

  Until he tilted her head back with his hand in her hair and said huskily, ‘My sweet Sasha.’ His eyes roamed her face. ‘I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.’

  ‘Nor I you, Heath,’ she whispered.

  ‘Then do I still have to wait for an invitation—or better still, may I reverse the procedure?’ ‘What do you mean?’

  His eyes glinted. ‘Can I say—kiss me, please, Sasha. Don’t torment me like this?’ ‘Oh yes!’

  About Author

  Mills & Boon author Lindsay Armstrong has written over 65 romance novels. She was born in South Africa where she worked for a travel agency and an airline. She met her husband when he was on his way home to New Zealand after working in West Africa. He returned in a matter of weeks and they were married six month later. The family eventually immigrated to Australia. She began writing after her youngest child entered school. She has been writing and publishing romances ever since.

  She and her husband love to travel and have been back to visit Africa. One of the highlights of her travels was a sunrise hot-air balloon ride over the Serengeti plains.