Trapped

by Annie Jocoby

  My heart sunk at her words. To know that nothing was eating at her conscience was knowledge that I didn’t really want. I wanted to see her as my Dalilah. My perfect, pristine, beautiful Dalilah. Not as some kind of modern-day Lady MacBeth, justifying her less-than-legal actions in her head. What was the term that Serena had for things that Dalilah was doing? Extralegal. A euphemism for shady and underground.

  I shook my head. “I wish that I agreed with you. I really do. But I wasn’t brought up that way. My sister is a different story, of course. Now I see why the two of you get along so well. You both are as intelligent as you are cunning.”

  I could see in Dalilah’s face that my words were cutting her to the bone. “What will you have me do, Luke? What? Give this baby to Nottingham? Let him raise the child to become a mini-Blake? You want to see ruthless and cunning? You’ll see it, Luke. You’ll see it in our child if Nottingham gets a chance to raise this child, even part-time. If that happens, this child will leave me in the dust as far as being duplicitous and shady. Fine, Luke. You win. We go back and get a lawyer and hope to god that things turn out the way that you want. Because if they don’t, you’re going to know exactly what underhanded and ruthless looks like.”

  I put my hand in my hair. “Would that be so wrong? Maybe you should lie in the bed that you made.” As soon as I said this, though, I regretted it. Dalilah’s face was stricken, and she sat down on the bed. She shook her head violently, and grabbed her stomach.

  “I can’t believe you would say this to me,” she said, as I sat down next to her and put my arm around her.

  “Dalilah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  “Yes you did. You did mean that. It came out of your mouth, therefore you meant it. And you can’t take it back, either. You’re an ungrateful bastard after all.”

  I took a deep breath. Maybe I was an ungrateful bastard. Dalilah might have made her bed with Nottingham, but, after all, she did it all for me. Perhaps I needed to give her more of a break when it came to all of that.

  “No, Dalilah, I’m not ungrateful. I’m not. I’m just frustrated. It seems that you and I are continually trying to cover up and fix things by doing something that isn’t legal or even right. Now you want to hack into his computer. I just wish that there was a better way of getting what we want here. That’s all.”

  But Dalilah wasn’t hearing me. Her breathing was shallow, and she continued to hold her stomach. “Luke, something isn’t right,” she said. “Something isn’t right.”

  Chapter

  I looked at Dalilah’s pale face, and I immediately felt scared. I shook my head. “What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, I’m having some cramping, which is normal. But I feel a little bit of wetness in my panties.” She shook her head. “I’m scared, Luke. Come with me into the bathroom.”

  I went with her into the bathroom, and she pulled down her pants. There was a small amount of blood in her underwear.

  “Okay, Dalilah,” I said, as calmly as I could. “Let’s go downstairs and get Liam’s driver to take us to the ER. It could be nothing.” In the back of my mind, though, I wondered. What if Dalilah was about to have a miscarriage? Would that be the answer to our prayers? And I immediately felt shitty for even thinking that. Selfish. Like I was praying for a life to end, just so that we could get out of our predicament.

  Sure, it would make life infinitely easier. We’d just hop a plane, Dalilah would file for divorce, easy peasy. Then, if Dalilah and I could work out our current issues regarding trust and her proclivity for doing things under the table, so to speak, she and I would be married before the year was out. Neither of us would ever look back.

  But, then again, emotionally, it would never be that easy. We both would be losing a child. Granted, the child was in a very early stage, and I assumed that there would be plenty more chances for more in the future. But that really didn’t make it any easier.

  All those thoughts were coursing through my mind as Dalilah and I made our way down the stairs. I went to Liam’s door and knocked gently. He opened it, bleary eyed.

  “Hey, mate,” he said. “What can I do for you at this late hour?”

  “Dalilah is bleeding,” I said.

  At that, his eyes got huge. “I’ll get dressed. Wait for me in the foyer. I won’t be a second.”

  I went over to Dalilah, who was sitting on the floor. “How are you feeling?” I asked her.

  “Okay,” she said. “Aside from the bleeding, I feel fine. Minor cramping, nothing huge.” She took a deep breath. “What do you think, Luke?”

  I knew exactly what she was asking, and I didn’t really have an answer for her. “I don’t know. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves until we see a doctor. As I said, it could be a minor thing. I’m not an expert, but sometimes you do bleed when you’re pregnant.” Even as I said that, though, I knew that I was talking out my ass. I was a 21-year-old guy who had never been a father. What the hell did I know about all of that?

  Dalilah just shook her head. “Bleeding is sometimes normal, sure. I’ve read up on it, of course. But it could also be a sign of….” She took a deep breath. “Like you said, though, there’s no cause for alarm until a doctor says something. No reason to get ahead of ourselves and assume the worst.”

  Both of us were silent. Neither of us dared speak about what was clearly on both our minds.

  Finally, Dalilah did voice it. “Is this a blessing, Luke? I mean, if, you know, the worst happens.” She shook her head. “Ok, ok, ok. Not going to think about that until a doctor checks me out.”

  Liam was out within a few minutes, dressed and ready. “No sense waiting for a driver. The hospital is about ten minutes away. Come on, mates. Let’s go.”

  We piled into Liam’s Mercedes and Dalilah and I sat in the back again, my arm around her, her head on my shoulder. Liam didn’t protest this time about the two of us sitting in the back.

  Neither of us said one word on the way to the hospital.

  But I rubbed her shoulder and kissed her forehead. The earlier fight and tension was completely forgotten. I only wanted what was best for her, and for us.

  I just wish that I knew exactly what that was.

  Chapter 9

  Dalilah

  I had no words as Luke and I were driven to the hospital. I couldn’t even begin to think. Here it was, the answer to my prayers, it seemed. Maybe. But if the bleeding was a sign of a miscarriage, wouldn’t that really be what was the absolute best? Wouldn’t it?

  I didn’t know. I couldn’t think. I tried, hard, not to let my mind wander to that idea until a doctor saw me and told me, definitively, what the bleeding meant. Maybe he would just say that I was okay, it was just normal spotting, not to worry.

  But perhaps that wasn’t the case at all. I felt ashamed and guilty, like I had willed this to happen. In the back of my mind, I secretly wished for this. It was always in the recesses of my brain, though, never in the light. I would have felt like a really horrible person if I would have wished for it.

  But, come on. I was actually thinking of terminating when I first learned about it. About her. I couldn’t think of the baby as an “it,” I had to assign the baby a gender, and I decided just to refer to my unborn child as “her.” But I was seriously considering terminating her when I first found out. I was ready to go to a clinic that day. Luke and I had fought about it, and that was the only reason why I changed my mind and chose this drastic course of action.

  That was the only reason why.

  Or was it?

  I didn’t know. I had to admit, that I was feeling more maternal and attached by the day.

  But I couldn’t deny that having a miscarriage would be the ultimate answer to our dilemma. I knew that Luke was thinking the same thing. That was why he was so quiet. He was thinking along the same lines. Probably wrestling with the same question.

  We got to the hospital, and I was immediately taken to a room and waited for the
doctor. Luke was standing next to me, as I sat on the metal table, dressing gown on, waiting for the doctor. He squeezed my hand, still not saying anything.

  A nurse came in and took a urine and blood sample, and informed me that the doctor would be in shortly. I nodded my head.

  About fifteen minutes later, the doctor did appear. He was an American guy, judging by his accent. His age appeared to be around 50 or so, but he was in decent shape and had a full head of salt and pepper hair. He looked at me.

  “Well,” he said. “You’re not having a miscarriage yet. But your progesterone level does look dangerously low. We need to give you some injections so that your pregnancy can continue in a healthy way. I would also prescribe bed rest until you are out of the woods.”

  I took a deep breath, and looked at Luke, and then back at the doctor. “What if I don’t take those injections?” I felt strangely relieved, yet conflicted all the same.

  “With your progesterone level being so low, you would be at serious risk for a miscarriage.”

  Oh, god. Just what I didn’t want to hear. I had to make a decision, here. An active decision. If I refused the injections, I was probably going to lose the baby. It wouldn’t be an abortion. It wouldn’t even necessarily be my fault. It would just be nature taking its course. Just as if I was a pioneer woman, and this type of thing happened. Spontaneous miscarriage. Something that Mother Nature caused for millennia, until we had modern medicine to do something about it.

  It wouldn’t be morally wrong. It wouldn’t be murder or active killing. I wouldn’t have it on my conscience.

  Would I?

  “How long?” I asked. “How long until I have to make this decision?”

  The doctor looked perplexed. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I just assumed…” Then he shook his head. “Well, it does look like you have a day or so until your progesterone levels drop to where you are in serious danger of miscarrying. But if you want to keep your pregnancy active, then you probably should decide as soon as possible.”

  As soon as possible. I had to make an impossible decision as soon as possible.

  I started breathing heavily. What was I going to do? What was the right decision here? All along, I thought that this would be the best outcome for everyone involved – Luke, me and the unborn child. It certainly would be the least complicated thing.

  Now, here it was. Decision time. And I felt like it was the most impossible one to make.

  The doctor took my hand, and said “well, at any rate, I think that I will have you admitted to the hospital for observation.”

  At that, he left. I knew that it would be a matter of time before the nurse came and got me and wheeled me to my room.

  I gripped Luke’s hand, hard.

  He didn’t say anything, but I saw tears in his eyes.

  “What should I do, Luke?” I asked in a small voice. “I’m so scared of making the wrong decision. I’m so scared, Luke. What’s the right decision here? What is it?”

  Luke shook his head. “I know that you don’t want to hear this from me, and I apologize in advance. But I really don’t know. I wish we had a crystal ball that would tell us how this would all shake out in the future. I know what I want in my heart, and that’s clearly that you should take those injections and follow the doctor’s orders for bed rest. My head says something different, though.”

  “Me too. My heart wants to keep her. I feel that she’s a part of me. But my head says something different, just like yours.”

  Luke smiled. “Her, huh? Funny, I was thinking the exact same thing.”

  I smiled back and drew a breath. “Yeah, her. I was thinking Gabriela. I always loved that name.”

  Luke had a faraway look on his face. The look was interminably sad. Finally, he just said “I was thinking about calling her Olivia.”

  I nodded, understanding. I felt tears coming to my eyes. “Olivia would be a beautiful name. It would really honor your mother.”

  Luke squeezed my hand again. “Come on, we can’t just approach this emotionally. We have to use logic, too. I mean, there will be other chances, of course. We’re both so young. And, of course, this might be the best outcome.” He hung his head. “God, that sounds so bad. Like this child doesn’t deserve to live because she’s an inconvenience. But we have to think of it rationally, too.”

  I squeezed his hand back, but didn’t say anything. I had no words to say, really. I couldn’t verbalize what I wanted, what I thought was best, because I had no idea what that was.

  Zero idea.

  Finally, the nurse came in and put me in a wheelchair, and I headed to my room. Luke went to tell Liam what was going on, and, after I got to my room, Luke came up. “I sent Liam home. He’s really concerned. Maybe I misjudged him a little bit.”

  “I know, Luke. You probably did misjudge him. But that’s okay. He doesn’t look at me like a relative should. And I know that we’re only distantly related, so I know that you feel threatened by him a little.”

  “Not as much him as that Neil guy. I don’t know. I didn’t meet him, but I didn’t like what you said about him. Anyhow, that’s neither here nor there. You need to rest comfortably, and I’m going to stay here with you.”

  I put my head on his shoulder, and, before long, I was asleep.

  “Mom?” I heard a voice say.

  “What is it, Olivia?” I said. The little girl was around 6 years old, and had dark wavy hair and eyes like Luke – all different colors.

  “I got a part in the school play. Well, you know what that means, don’t you?”

  “Of course. Do you want me or Luke to make the scenery?”

  “I don’t care. I’d love it if you both would chip in, though. Every kid at school is amazed by both of you. That would be totally rad if you guys would like make the ultimate forest scene. I can just see the other kids from other schools now.” She rubbed here little hands together with glee.

  I smiled. My little actress. She actually was quite good. She was in her Kindergarten play as well, and she was quite the drama queen. I had to laugh when I watched her. I had no idea where she got her theatrical nature from, but she seemed to have it since birth.

  Come to think of it, she might have just a little bit of her great grandma Maggie in her. Maggie the opera singer.

  I went over to hug Olivia spontaneously. “I love you, you know that?”

  She rolled her eyes. “I know that. You tell me that every day.”

  I didn’t tell her why I was always telling her how much I loved her. I didn’t tell her that there was a period of time when I actually thought, several times, that she never would have been born. She probably wouldn’t quite understand, nor did I want her to.

  I woke up with a start. I looked up to the sky, talking to nobody in particular. “Thank you,” I said. “Thank you for helping me make the decision.”

  Then I pushed Luke awake. I didn’t nudge him, I pushed.

  He woke with a start.

  “Get the doctor,” I said. “Quick. Do it now. Right now.”

  “Okay,” he said, pushing the button that signaled the doctor.

  The doctor appeared within a few minutes, along with a few nurses. “Hello, Dalilah. How can I help you?”

  “I need that injection. Right now. The progesterone. Right this very second.”

  The doctor nodded at the nurse, who left and was back in a few minutes, a syringe in her hand. “I was hoping that you would decide this.” He gave me a waiver to sign, and I read it quickly and signed it.

  I sighed with relief when the nurse injected me.

  “This will do it, right? I’ll be able to keep her, right?”

  “It should,” he said. “Of course, we need to do some more tests to find out why your progesterone was low. And it might be something that you’re going to have to repeat until we can get that hormone up to the adequate levels. In the meantime, I recommend that you stay here in the hospital until you’re out of the woods.”

  I nodded my head. I felt like a hu
ge burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

  After the doctor and the nurses left, I clutched Luke. “Oh, Luke, I know that this is the right decision. I know it. I’m so happy. For the first time since I found out about Olivia, I’m happy.”

  Luke, for his part, was grinning ear to ear. “I didn’t want to pressure you into this, but this is the decision that I was praying that you would make. Secretly praying, of course.”

  “Praying?” I teased. “Since when do you pray?”

  “Since now,” he said. “What made you change your mind?”

  “I saw her, Luke. And I felt…the love I had for her. I dreamed it, and the feeling that I had looking at her was incomparable. I remembered feeling that I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She was beautiful in my dream – she looked like a combination of my grandmother Maggie when she was young, and you. And she was talented, already, in acting. And so intelligent. She was such a Gallagher, and also a Roberts. She was just so…us.”

  Luke kissed my forehead. “So us. Well, we’ve made a decision. We’ve committed.”

  I took another deep breath. “Yes. And I’ve made another decision, too. We’re going to go back. We’re going back, I’m getting a top lawyer, and we’re going to the mattresses with Nottingham. Legally. Let the chips fall where they may. I can’t have my daughter grow up with a mother who doesn’t do things the right way. I need to be the person that she can look up to, and I can’t do that if I continue to do stuff that is less than legal.”

  Luke smiled big. “Now we’re talking.”

  “But I’m scared, Luke. I won’t lie. I’m terrified of the outcome. I have to have some faith, though. My dream meant something. I hope my dream meant that it’s all going to be okay. I hope and pray that’s what it means.”

  “Oh, since when do you pray?” Luke teased.

  “Since now.”

  I was dead serious.

  Chapter 10