Twitterature

by Alexander Aciman

  Fuck it, lifeʼs a risk. Had sex on the hillside; went wild, though for a moment I was ashamed of my varicose veins.

  While you should never date a hooker or a porn star, I suggest a girl who writes porno. Guess what she thinks about all day?

  We defeated Eurasia in the war! Or was it Eastasia all along? Either way, weʼll take them as usual!

  Julia and I do it every day. Nice store owner rented us a room without cameras. Must not launder bed sheets too often or weʼll be caught.

  My boss wants to see me; this canʼt be good. Maybe Iʼll get laid off and have to transfer to the Ministry of Irony.

  Surprise. He is part of a secret organization devoted to overthrowing the party. Julia and I are in. This is so exciting!

  Just kidding. Big Brother WAS watching! Carted off to the Ministry of Love, as I tweet. Makes me think of childhood, for some reason.

  Sometimes youʼre locked up in a secret government prison. Then you meet this crazy old woman. And itʼs your mother.

  Hard to post through endless rounds of torture. OʼBrien tells me that the Party wants power for powerʼs sake. Deep, man.

  DAMNIT. FUCKING RATS IN MY FUCKING FACE. WHY DID I TELL I HATE RATS? NO KILL JULIA PLEASE GODDAMNIT. FORGOT: THEREʼS NO GOD.

  Iʼm a free man. I do love Big Brother. He is doubleplusgood - truly, in my heart, I love him. Because I am free. So very free.

  On the Road

  by Jack Kerouac

  @DidnʼtTypeOnTP!

  For TWITTERATURE of On the Road by Jack Kerouac, please see On the Road by Jack Kerouac.

  Notes from Underground

  by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  @TweetsFromUndergrnd

  Iʼm a sick man. A very sick man. My liver hurts. Good. Iʼm sure the doctor could fix it, but I ruin my liver to spite my face.

  I used to be a magistrate. No big deal. Mostly just teeth-gnashing and yelling at officers. Typical bureaucratic nonsense.

  I know how math works, and I know 2x2=4. But it would be fucking wild if 2x2=5, eh? And after all, why shouldnʼt it?

  My life is so stagnant, but I just love sitting on the couch all day. Inaction: where the living is easy. If you can call it living.

  Oh my tooth! Oh my awful tooth. LISTEN TO ME: My tooth hurts and my wailing will cause you pain, too. Hah!

  I want revenge on all those who have harmed me. Is this unhealthy? Good. Iʼm a bit of a sociopath, arenʼt I?

  An officer pushed me at a bar. I will find this pizda son of a bitch and maybe murder him slowly. Iʼm a bit of a sociopath, arenʼt I?

  I always walk on Nevsky, trying to find him. If I see him, Iʼll challenge him to a duel. Because itʼs the rational thing to do.

  Yes, the best thing to do is bump into him.

  Bump. That ebanatyi pidaraz didnʼt even notice!! God, Iʼm an insignificant khuy, oh well.

  Iʼm going out to dinner with some people. I donʼt really want to. But I want to go to prove that I can. Maybe I can ruin the evening.

  Iʼm waiting, theyʼre not here yet. Itʼs been an hour. Couldnʼt they call? Dolboebs.

  Alright, theyʼre here now. I shouldnʼt have drunk all that wine. No biggie. Iʼm only six glasses ahead.

  Can you believe one of these idiots tried to talk about Shakespeare? What could he know about Shakespeare? Blyadischa!

  Speaking of blyadischa, weʼre going to a brothel. This should be fun. I love hookers.

  I met this sweet girl Liza. I did her, made fun of her, convinced her life as a whore was crap, then split. Iʼm a bit of a sociopath, no?

  I also told her she could come to my house if she wanted

  to escape. Ohh, the crazy things I say during sex.

  Now I have to borrow money from my friends for this hooker. Sex may be Godʼs gift but itʼs not cheap.

  Liza actually showed up at my house. I yelled at her and made her cry. She left.

  I chased after her for a bit but couldnʼt find her. My life is miserable and lonely. I should get my sociopath shit together.

  Of Mice and Men

  by John Steinbeck

  @IAmWithSam

  Nothing beats hanging out with a ret—. . . idiot, all day. How did I become a babysitter for Rain Man? Minus the superhuman talent, that is.

  Lennie killed some mice. Great. Itʼs kind of ironic, because compared to a smart guy like me, heʼs kind of a mouse, isnʼt he?

  Come to think of it, it is pretty funny, because, you know, I am a MAN, and they are MICE, and Lennie is KIND OF BOTH. Get it? (Obvious?)

  Need to find work. Ret—. . . Lennie here doesnʼt know how to monitor his food intake - weʼre running out of DOUGH. Bam! Pun!

  Do they call it the Great Depression because everybody is depressed?

  We found a ranch to work at. Lennie none too bright, but good with his hands. Real steady hands. Iʼd trust him handling just about anything.

  Playing cards all day. The rancherʼs son is an asshole, but his wife is a pretty swell gal. Also a bit of a party girl.

  @Lennie: Goddamnit: donʼt you know groping women is illegal? Itʼs 1929, man, women have RIGHTS now. Theyʼre EQUAL. Kind of.

  Now Lennieʼs in trouble with the law. How can you accuse a guy of rape when he doesnʼt know his boner from a hole in the ground?

  Thereʼs a pretty cool guy here - @Candy. You should check him out, though Candy is kind of a stripper name, isnʼt it?

  Lennie broke the ownerʼs sonʼs hand, which was kind of funny because his bones popped out of his hand. They were, like, visible!

  Lennie just wants to live off the fat of the land. Working like a dog in a rock and roll band.

  Lennie came back into the cabin with that look on his face and I said, Lennie, did you kill another woman?

  He told me he had done it again, he thought. Why do I get stuck with the dangerously disabled? Did Forrest Gump ever hurt anyone?

  I hear the lynch mob outside. This is the third time this year that we gotta go ʼcause Lennie made a mess of things.

  I canʼt deal with this shit anymore. I have a headache, I need an Advil and a good roll in the hay. But Lennie is the Anti-Poon.

  Iʼm going do what I shoulda long ago: shoot this ret—. . . friend, in the head. Otherwise, the mob will torture him. He deserves a quick death.

  He is my friend though. But I have to do it myself; the law wonʼt euthanize the disabled here, and Texas is way too far away.

  Another day in the good old Depression.

  What America needs now is a bottle of Prozac.

  Robinson Crusoe

  by Daniel Defoe

  @ImNotGilligan

  What does my dad know? Embarking on a sea-journey as an indentured servant seems like a perfectly wonderful idea.

  Man-of-war screwed us. Iʼm a slave. What a fright it gave me! Oh well, life has its lulz and downs.

  I tossed this other slave from the fishing boat, and Iʼm off to Africa with a slave boy.

  I really do like this slave boy, heʼs like family, a really good friend, sticking by me through thick and thin. Iʼll always be loyal to him.

  I sold the slave boy to a Captain who offered to take me to South America. Iʼll use the rest of the money to buy some tobacco.

  Iʼm finally going to be a sailor! Someoneʼs taking me on their ship.

  Jesus Christ. A storm! Weʼre sinking!! Wait, wait. Hereʼs a great idea: If I live Iʼll be forever loyal to God.

  Faith shmaith: How could an inexperienced farmer-slave-runaway survive when the professional sailors drowned?

  Hmm. No, I think itʼs best to become really religious - and then raid the boat for everything thatʼs inside it.

  The best possible solution now is to make a pro and con list about the island. Pro: Iʼm not dead. Con: I might as well be.

  Incredible. Everything one might EVER need to survive on an island was in that ship. Guns, food, bread, books, you name it.

  What if there are cannibals on the island? No, probably not. But what if there are? Nah, there ainʼt . . . SHIT. A FOO
TPRINT. CANNIBALS!

  Hereʼs whatʼs odd: Iʼve been here so many years and havenʼt thought about pussy once. Go ahead, call me introspective.

  Youʼd think in a diary about solitude Iʼd write something emotional, but nah, thatʼd be so emo. Iʼm not in the mood.

  Iʼve rescued a cannibal. Iʼll call him Friday, because after all this time I still know what day it is, and canʼt think of anything better.

  Friday, you shall be my slave, you owe me your life. Do what I say. Donʼt bite me. Arenʼt you glad I found you?

  Hey, more people on the island. Letʼs party! Whoʼs got the rum? I should open a bar, call it Islands!!!

  DRUNNNNNKKKKKKK! Beach limbo!

  Iʼm preparing to attack a pack of wolves. I havenʼt seen wolves in thirty years, now thereʼs a billion. Maybe Iʼm still drunk.

  Ahoy. A pirate ship comes to rescue me. What, the editors want a sequel? I guess itʼs time to go to Asia.

  Romeo and Juliet

  by William Shakespeare

  @DefNotAHomeo

  @JulieBaby

  My family wonʼt stop fighting the Capulets. Life should be a party. Make love, not war!

  Here comes my benevolent cousin Mercutio.

  Ah, how I love women! No, not that OLD woman. A new woman. I shall have no fun at this party, thinking of this woman I love . . .

  But the crew ʼtis in want of drink. We must crash this ball!

  WTF is Mercutio talking about? Everyone knows fairies donʼt exist! Whoa. Hot babe cometh near. Must try the uninvited grind.

  She totally digs it! Ah, sin! Sin again! Iʼm such a wit, and such a pimp.

  Uh-oh. Sheʼs a Capulet. Methinks this can go nowhere good, but why stop now?

  Later: Maybe if I stick around I can get a glimpse of her titties through the window.

  D DefNotAHomeo: Psst. Wherefore art thou?

  D JulieBaby: What do you mean ʻwhere am Iʼ? Iʼm right under the balcony! Does no one understand English anymore?

  Her nurse asketh if I want to marry Juliet. She is the sun but this is waaay too fast. Am I being punkʼd? Whereʼs Ashton?

  D Tybalt: Why are you hitting me? I can barely direct message the question with your sword up my ass.

  Mercutio, you horse dropping. Whyʼd you have to die?@PrinceofCats: One of us is joining him . . . NOT IT!

  Sometimes you kill your wifeʼs cousin in a duel, and then you have to go to Mantua to hide out. Yeah, life sucks.

  What? Juliet is dead? No. Orders to kill me on the spot? No! Curse the stars that led me to believe in Hollywood endings!

  I have my poison, will return to Verona, take care of business.

  Found fair Juliet. Sheʼs dead, and definitely not faking it! (Didnʼt move when I poked her there.) Alas, I must drink this terrible brew.

  ʻO, I am fortuneʼs fool!ʼ Maybe just a tool. And so I die. BTW that other woman I was into before Juliet? Wouldʼve been a safer bet.

  D DefNotAHomeo: Wake up, my love. Cʼmon. Funʼs over. Wake up. Quit it! Not funny. Whereʼs Ashton? Oh shit. Bottoms up.

  @Montague, @Capulet: Canʼt we all just get along?

  Anna Karenina

  by Leo Tolstoy

  @DoTheLocomotion

  My sister-in-law wants to divorce my brother. I have to go to Moscow to stop that nonsense. Might as well party while Iʼm there.

  Some gentleman danced with me the whole night. We got a little grinding on, but not too much. This is formal Russian society, mind you.

  Apparently by dancing with Vronsky I pussy-blocked a girl called Kitty. I suppose thatʼs ironic. Youʼd think with a name like that . . .

  LOL, Kitty had a nervous breakdown and had to leave the country. Takes her out of the picture.

  Is it irresponsible to start a pretty obvious love affair with Vronsky?

  After all, my husband is a geezer. Do you know what it feels like to have old AARP balls on your face? I shudder at the thought.

  My husband doesnʼt seem to mind as long as I donʼt make a fool of him in public. Talk about spineless. Maybe itʼs all the herniated discs.

  Alexei Vronzarelli - da Vronz - is my lover now. I missed my period. I may be pregnant with his baby.

  My husband caught us in the house. We werenʼt fucking, just playing Yahtzee, but still, I guess having him around was a bit inappropro.

  My husband peaced. He says he canʼt ʻdeal with this whoreʼ. I guess Iʼm too much woman for him.

  I almost died giving birth. Boy, you never really consider what itʼs like popping an eight-pound thing out of you. Itʼs really quite scary.

  My husband returned when he heard the news. I told him he was a father. His eyes lit up. Then I told him the truth. He started crying, lol.

  He has forgiven me for infidelity (and the tasteless joke) and has offered me a divorce. I kinda feel bad taking it though.

  I decided Iʼm gonna treat him well, and not divorce him. Instead Iʼll continue cuckolding him. Yeah, that sounds better.

  Whew! Glad I cleared my conscience on that one.

  Iʼm moving in with Vronsky.

  Life is so boring. Letʼs play a game to see how quickly the perfect married lover can turn into the girlfriend from hell.

  HEʼS CHEATING ON ME. I know it. He says he went to visit his mom. Yeah, sure, if by mother he means some WHORE.

  His mother wants him to marry a princess. She says he shouldnʼt be living in sin with a married woman. Fuckinʼ in-laws.

  I canʼt take this anymore. Iʼm going out to find him. If I find him in bed with his mother Iʼll be really pissed. Iʼm on my way.

  Alright, twenty rubles says that I can toss my bag in the air, run across the tracks, and catch it before the train arriv—

  This userʼs account has been deactivated.

  Sherlock Holmes

  by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

  @KeepDiggingWatson

  Ah, sitting in my study on Baker Street. Wearing my new velvet dressing gown. Taking some, uh . . . snuff. What a relaxing evening.

  Puffing the pipe. A pounding at the door. Go away. Woman in distress, crying. Watson terrorizing fair sex again? No. Perhaps a mystery.

  Why do people ask me to solve their problems? Let me enjoy my high. Watson says itʼs a bad habit, but what does he know? Iʼm the detective.

  I have to investigate a factory where this womanʼs lover was the foreman. She thinks the companyʼs trying to knock him off.

  Doing a few lines before I start the job. Canʼt solve a mystery without my miracle powder. By which I mean cocaine.

  Asked clever questions. I could tell all were lying. No mention of the valuable metals hidden beneath the factory. Moriarty involved?

  In the water closet doing a bump. Watson says Iʼm paranoid. Says the nose candy affects my work. Fine. Let him buy his own.

  Continuing investigation. Made brilliant deductions on many snorts and very little evidence. Notice salt deposits on factory ownerʼs brogues?