by James Kelman
The way to do the pointed ones was sitting down and bumping along on yer b*m. But if ye done it hard it was sore. The other way was getting yer knees on the sloping tiles then doing it. But I never done that. Boys said ye could.
The ordinary dykes were easy. I could run them. I was telling my pals at school. Then if it was the big jumps, ye could do them too if it was a straight-across jump and ye got a good run-up. But if there was no a good run-up ye had to stand still to jump and it was hard.
If ye jumped to a high dyke ye had to fling yer body and get yer elbows on the top and then up. On some dykes the bricks came out when ye stood on them or else shifted and ye had to watch because if ye fell that was you and yer feet would be up in the air so it was yer head first, and that was the worst, clunking against the dyke then smack on the ground. If ye were falling ye got yer hands down first so yer head did not crack. Ye had to try it or it was tough luck for you. Oh he cracked his head. People said that. Yer head cracked open. Oh his brains spilled out on the ground. Yer brains were just there on the ground. It was all bricks and boulders, all glass and stuff. The ground was like that if ye fell. Ye would have to twist yer body in mid air. Oh where would ye land? Ye would just try and see. But it was a worry. I was thinking about it and my teacher hit me on the head with her ruler. That was what she done, she just hit ye. Oh Kieron Smith wake up you are sound asleep.
Please miss I am not.
Oh yes and do not snore, if you were snoring, you are not to snore in the class. The teacher just said it to make everybody all laugh. So if it was funny, all everybody laughing at ye. But I was thinking about if the wall caved in and all went on top of ye so if it was a whole building ye got buried alive. People got buried alive, ye just saw their hand sticking out and ye came and rescued them but maybe if they were flattened, and their heads as well, just like a flat pancake, so that was them, they were just squashed to death and their heads just mashed. Their whole bodies, they would be mashed in and it was all just it would be horrible,. And who was it oh if ye knew him. Maybe ye did and it was one of the big boys and even if it was yer brother, imagine just if it was Matt oh ye could not it was just oh no, ye could not even, ye could not.
So ye just had to watch it. Some backcourts had wee outside buildings. They had caved-in roofs and tile chimneys broke off and all smashed windows. Ye climbed up them as well. Ye could run and jump along the roofs. If ye could not do the next jump ye just dreeped down and ran along the ground and up the next one.
Dykes could be high up and ye had to watch because there were spiky palings down below and people fell onto them. One got killed when the spike went through his belly. He was older than me but younger than Mattie, but he did not play with us. If he was a RC, maybe he was. He had all cousins in America and they sent him stuff. A baseball jacket that was shiny blue with white sleeves and a big red bird on the back. He had a good haircut. Boys said that, just short and sticking up.
There were shops along some streets and the backs of the shops stretched into the backcourt. So ye were over the top of them. When ye walked a dyke it was a big big drop down. Right up the top. Ye were looking down to the street and saw all motor cars and people, so if they saw you. Oh look at that boy! Oh he is going to fall!
One high-up dyke led to the back wall of a picture-house. Big boys were pointing to it. There was a pipe going up and that was what they saw, if they could climb it. So if there was a window they could get in and watch the pictures for nothing.
Grown-ups chased us. Women hung out their washing on the clothes-lines and did not want ye near it. Sometimes ye were running and ye ran through it and if it was a wet sheet it just stopped ye and got dragged on the ground. The woman saw ye out the window. Oh you f*****g wee b****r.
They were going to chase us but we were laughing and ran away.
***
I could join the Lifeboys and it was great. All the troops had their own number. Ours was 168, if somebody said What troop are ye? ye said it, The 168.
So we were the 168. If ye saw boys at school or at the swimming ye just gived a wave or hullo and just maybe if ye shouted, Ye going on Tuesday? Everybody went so ye knew it, ye just said it and maybe even if ye went up and were talking to who it was. Some boys done a Lifeboy salute. So if people were looking, Oh we go to the same Lifies, and sometimes it was my grannie if we were at the swimming. Who is that boy son?
Oh he is in my Lifies.
It was great. And if he went to yer Sunday School. Ye had to go to it and if ye did not it was woe betide ye. There was two classes on Sunday morning and if ye were a new boy ye went to the first at half past nine and were not to be late. People were late. If ye did not want to go ye just walked slow. But the Sunday School teacher did not like it. His name was Mr Beaton. Oh it is the Sunday School ye go to and it is not the Lifeboys. That was what he said. Oh do not think about the Lifeboys, here is the Sunday School. It is not important for the Lifeboys but if it is God, that is the Sunday School.
He was angry if ye could not say the stuff. Oh for our dear Saviour, if that is what happened to Him while others walk abroad. Oh how come how come? It is just Iniquities because if it was the Gospel and ye did not know it. Oh who will save you who will save you. You will just be in Anguish. So if the Lord forsakes ye, oh it will be a sad lookout for ever and ever for the Lord sakes for ye.
If ye could speak words out the Bible. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Say Deuteronomy, Deuteronomy, we all were to say it. Oh it is not Deuteronimo, do not say Deuteronimo. You will be in Anguish and it is complete Anguish if you rot in Hell, it is just the worst horrors.
Then if it was the Young Defenders. If we knew about them. And if it was Truth Concealed. Oh if the Devil gets ye oh you will be in Anguish and cannot go to Heaven, Oh pity you pity you, for ye will but Languish evermore. So if it is yer Fate. Mr Beaton was angry how people were so blind and would stay blind, if that was what they wanted, well so be it, if it is tough luck for them, and all Icons and Painted Images. They only were Concealers so it was Truth Concealed. So they were just Blasphemers and Craven Idols with all Painted Images and Mother Mary if she was a God, that was just Blasphemers and ye were going to Hell for evermore and yer Soul was rotting. And ye would see in there how all the faces were screaming and bawling, all crammed the gether in a big pit with the fire underneath ye, and devil creatures were shifting the wheel round and round and ye were tied down on it and were over the fire getting toasted and getting yer body all stretched in agony.
He had bent-over shoulders. If ye saw him in the street. Hullo Mr Beaton. He just looked at ye and did not want ye calling his name except only in Church. He gived ye homework, if ye could learn all the Books and say them, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, if it was the Devil and ye burned in Hell and were in Anguish with Iniquities.
Mattie had a Boys Brigade Bible and was showing me it. And it was the same name as him, Matthew. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I was saying about the Sunday School teacher.
Oh it is Thomas Beaton, he is a serjeant in the BB. Matt was laughing. Oh if ye see how he marches, he just does it funny.
Big boys made a fool of him because how his arms stayed straight. That was when he walked. The BB officers looked at him but he did not change it. People laughed at him. That was what Matt said. Oh but do not you do it or else tough luck.
Because maybe he would just hit ye.
We did not like him. But ye had to go to Sunday School if it was for the Lifeboys.
After it was finished ye could just go away. I went up to my grannie's and got toast and cheese for my breakfast.
The Lifeboy uniform was a navyblue hat the same as sailors, navyblue jerseys with collars and blue trousers, shorts or longs, and black sandshoes or white sandshoes. If it was raining ye went in ordinary shoes or else Wellingtons and ye carried the sandshoes under yer arm.
Only Protestants went. Catholics had another thing, it was the Boys' Club. They all went there. Michael Lang too. They had a football team. The Lifies
did not have a team.
The Leaders knew me because Mattie used to be there and he was a good boy, that was what they said, Oh you are Matt's wee brother and then they smiled, they liked ye because it was him.
Mrs Milligan was the first Leader. She was great and did smart salutes. People said she was fat. She was not fat. She always had a cheery face but if ye were being cheeky she stopped ye. She had a wee child. Oh but if ye swore or used bad language. Oh woe betide ye, that was what she said. Then yer prayers for every night ye started, Oh God, Whom we cannot think and do anything right, oh kinder our hearts and lead us into truth for Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, amen, and then a smart salute.
Fall-out!
And oh everybody running and getting set.
Ye had to be smart to go and ye had to be clean and then yer uniform and to speak good, not umnay didnay and willnay but am not did not and will not. Before ye went ye had to have a big wash in the house, face and neck, hands and knees. My maw did it because if ye wanted to be good. And when ye were on parade it was all inspected and that started the night. Mrs Milligan was just waiting for ye to get ready and she had her whistle and was going to blow it and was going to blow it. And quick quick quick because then she did it.
Fall-in! Tallers to the right, shorters to the left, single rank siiize!
And ye were to jump to it as fast as ye could, getting into line, and yer sandshoes thumping and skidding, shuffling to your bit and the boy next to ye was just a wee bit weer and the other one next to ye a wee bit bigger, right down to the weest shorter from the very biggest taller and yer arm out stretching the space from him to you.
Stand Easy!
Hands behind yer back.
Ohhhh Atten-Hunnnn!
So it was the inspection. Ye all got inspected. Mrs Milligan came down the lines with Mr Hope and ye had to hold out yer hands palms down and then palms up and then if ye had on shorts it was right knee up, left knee up, and the Leaders would see they were clean and then yer wrists and the backs of yer knees, that was what people forgot. Then yer sandshoes if they were clean, they were yer good ones and ye just kept them for the Lifies. Some did not, and if it was poor, ye knew if it was poor, if the boy's maw and da did not have money. Billy Williams. He was in our group and was scabby, I did not talk to him, but it was a shame. But because yer sandshoes, if they were dirty, if it was a point off yer team, so ye were just to try yer hardest. Some boys wore them out the house and they were not supposed to. Billy Williams had his on at school so if it was raining, ye went through puddles. He was in the class above me but people laughed at him.
So if ye had anything bad, Oh you have dirty knees, it was points against and yer group was looking at ye, Oh see him, and some boys always got points against with dirty knees or else wrists if it was their hands and necks and what, it was their own fault if they just got a right wash before they came and ye saw them and ye knew Oh they are going to fail inspection. So if they were in your group, that was you, and ye got fed up with it. Oh if it was Billy Williams. Oh it is short trousers, he should just wear longs, then they will not know if his knees are filfy But Gordon Fletcher said, Oh it does not matter because then at games Mr Hope sees when he wears his gym shorts.
People never pumped, just never never, but sometimes ye got smells. It all was points if ye done it good. Ye done it the whole night for all games and all what happened. Mr Hope counted it up. Points went for good attenders, if ye were a regular attender. If ye went all the nights. Ye would go all the nights. We all went. So ye got a prize at the very end. If it was Perfect Attendance that meant the Sunday School as well, and ye got a Bible book except just with the Psalms.
The two Sunday School teachers came to the Prize Night. Ours was Mr Beaton and we were seeing how he walked. I wished he would do it good. They had on their BB uniforms and leather gloves. They marched up to Mrs Milligan and gived her the smartest salutes. But she gived a smartest one to them and we thought she was the best at it. I got my Bible book. It was a wee one but it was good and I liked it, how all its pages were just all new and just crispy, and ye smelled it, it just smelled good and how the pages all fell blue and white and it was all just yours with your name.
Everybody split into groups and ye had leaders in each one. The top boys got a special white cover on their hats and white lanyards and white sandshoes. Mattie had them when he was there. They kept them white with clay. He used to do it and I watched him. Our top boy was Gordon Fletcher. He was good at all the things. Just everything, and he had all stuff sewn on his jersey, it was badges. Ye got them when ye done good stuff and yer maw sewed them on. Gordon Fletcher was just the very best. The races started and I was running and he said, Oh fast as ye can Smiddy.
That was me, Smiddy. It was my turn to go out in the race and I was sitting waiting ready and oh just waiting and just ready. And he said it to me, Fast as ye can Smiddy.
So that was me, Smiddy.
Oh if your name is Smith, you are Smiddy. That was Gordon Fletcher, he said it to me. You are Smiddy.
I said it to my granda, if I was Smiddy. Oh aye son if yer name is Smith then ye are Smiddy.
I said it to Matt but he just looked and did not say anything back.
So that was me now Smiddy. Smiddy Smiddy. I was glad. People did not like Kieron, that was how they acted. I liked it. So Smiddy. Other boys said it. The same in school. Oh Smiddy! Oh there is Smiddy.
And it was me. It was just me, Smiddy. I wanted people to call me it, lasses as well, they just looked, Oh Smiddy. I liked lasses saying it.
The Lifies was the best of all and Gordon Fletcher and if ye won yer race he gived ye a wink. So you were the best wee boy, that was Gordon saying it, if he just winked, so if ye done a good race or what if it was good points for the team. He said that, team. It was just a team like football, ye were all just playing and ye all were men, Oh is that man in your team? Whose man is he? Is he your man?
And they were just talking about you or another boy. Who is next man? Oh it is me. It was you, you were next man. Ye called them man.
They were relay-races and ye had wee bags to pass to the next man and they were beanbags. They changed the team about. If fast boys were in one then they switched them so ye got close races. If ye had a slow runner second in yer group then ye would have a fast runner for yer third one. If yer first man was a medium runner maybe two of the weer ones would be fast. It got evened up. Ye saw the way one group might have a long lead after three rounds. Then other ones were catching up. So it was the last round and the weest boys in the whole troop sitting and waiting and all just ready. And everybody cheering and yer own group would be shouting yer name, whatever it was, Smiddy Smiddy Smiddy. And even if yer last man was not a good runner ye would still be cheering because sometimes boys ran faster and ye did not think they would and they just beat the good ones and it was great.
Some ran faster and other ones slower. Boys had too skinny legs or else if they had a bad leg or maybe there was something wrong with them so they could not run right. Or if they were too lanky, just lanky skinny malinkies. Or else too wee. Wee boys could be good racers and so could skinny malinkies but no fat ones, fatsos if ye called them that. A man in my street was a fatso. My da said that. Oh there is fatso, if we saw him out the window.
The best racer usually was just if ye were medium. But then for the other competitions ye might get fatsos or skinny malinkies being the winners if they were good at other stuff. Ye did not get football because there were too many boys but ye could get games with balls and I liked them, if it was keepie-uppy or else if ye had to dribble yer ball down to a marker and then dribble it back. Some boys could not do it and their balls would go flying everywhere and maybe your team was the winner and other ones still had men out running. When yer team finished ye all sat on the floor with yer legs crossed and yer hands on yer knees or else arms folded and yer back straight. That was how ye were to sit, and if Mr Hope took Mrs Milligan down to see ye ye all were sitting st
raight.
At the end of the night Mrs Milligan said, Oh Mr Hope, please read out the points!
So then Mr Hope would read out the points and have them all added up. So who has won this week's competition?
And oh if it was Gordon Fletcher's team well that was us. And all people would cheer ye. Ours won it a lot of times. So then it was eyes closed for the prayer to our gracious Queen. Oh we beseech ye oh God and we pray to ye for thy servant Elizabeth our Queen, her husband and their children. Oh grant ye we will stand steadfast on the side of right for them and spread goodness and happiness where'er we go, for the Lord's sake we ask it and it is in the power and the glory, amen.
Dismissed! We all saluted Mrs Milligan and Mr Hope and they saluted us back.
So that was us. We just had to go home.
But if ye helped to tidy up. If ye could. I tried to, I liked it. It was benches and mats lying on the floor, and then if it was the storeroom and it was all jumbled, beanbags and all balls lying and ye were just to put things in their place. The top boys all done it. Gordon Fletcher. And after ye finished ye just said cheerio to everybody and Mr Hope would lock up. He had the keys to the Church hall and all Church places. If ye went in there where the Services were it would just be the Church and all the lights out, all just dark.
Me and Terry ran to catch up another boy. Usually we done that. Terry stayed three closes down from my grannie. We came round that way from the Church and there was a chip shop on the corner.
If I was by myself and it was dark nights I went round the streets to go home. If Terry was there or else it was light nights ye could cut through the close across the backcourts and over the dyke.
But it was different in the dark. Lights only were coming from the back windows up the tenements and ye could not see where ye were going. Ye had to watch no to step in mud or a puddle or else in jobby, dogs were aye doing jobbies, or else ye watched for broken glass. That happened a lot. If ye fell ye sliced yer knee. Or nails in yer sandshoes, if it was rusty. One went in Terry's and a woman pulled it out but his maw took him to the hospital. He went off school because of it.