Kieron Smith, Boy

by James Kelman

  Then if ye ran in the dark and if ye met a dog, oh ye would frighten it and it would bark and run away or if it growled and would go for ye so ye had to stay dead still, just wait. Sssh boy, sssh, sssh, sssh, just whispering and the dog would just be looking, Oh sssh, sssh, and then maybe if it just went away, well so could you.

  Men frightened ye as well. If they did not mean it, usually they did not. But if it was a bad man.

  People said it to the wee ones and laughed but it made ye jump. Oh it is a bad man going to get ye. Or a bogie man was like a ghost. There is a ghost. Oh mammy, there is a bogie man. Or if it was a phantom strangler. My brother said it. Oh a phantom strangler is going to get you. But I just laughed back, he was just saying it.

  A boy always got money for chips. Me and Terry went with him. He shared his chips with us. But if he gived one to me and no to Terry or if it was two chips and he gave them to Terry and no to me. That was what he done.

  Oh there is a big chip. Oh take it Terry, here is a wee one for Smiddy.

  So ye got sick of it. So he held a chip out so ye were to take it and then he would bring it back quick and just eat it and laugh at ye. I would have belted him. I thought I would, but I did not, and ye always thought Oh here is the chip now and sometimes it was, he just gave ye it. Oh I am just kidding. That was what he said.

  We ate the chips at the corner. I walked home after and ye were sad, just how the Lifies would not come again and it was away next week. Up in the house ye had toast for supper. Sometimes my maw made it, usually it was me. I liked making it.

  ***

  I did not know we were moving to a new house and then we were so that was us. It was away away and ye needed the subway and then the bus or else ye could get a train and then too if ye wanted the ferry, the ferry took ye instead of the subway and it did not cost ye nothing.

  My da came home from the Navy for good, he was getting a job on dry land. He was tired out and it was his holiday but my maw did not have the holiday and was getting all ready to go to a new house. That was where we were going. Uncle Billy was back from England and was helping with the flitting. I was to keep out the way and was at my grannie's. Her and granda did not like us going away. She was saying it to him. How could they travel all those miles to see us? They could not. And what about the boys? That was me and Matt. Running up and down the stair every ten minutes? Once we flitted that would be us and we would not come back.

  If we were too faraway, they would never see us because we would never come to visit if it was a train to take. We would never come and see them, that was what my grannie was saying, how it was my da's fault. If it was not for him and just how he wanted the new house, it was him to blame if he did not wait and see if there was something better. Why did he not just wait?

  My grannie was shaking her head and granda was just looking. Oh but it could not be my maw's fault. She would not want to be miles away, it was too far. It was my da's fault. He knew it would be hard for her and granda. Granda could hardly get up and down the stairs, that was his breath, so he did not go places, just stayed in the house, so they never went places, just seeing the walls of the house and my grannie got sick of it, oh she did, that was what she was saying. Oh we just never go anyplace, and she was sad saying it.

  It is not my fault Vera.

  It is like a prison. Except for the messages I would never go out.

  Aye but it is not my fault.

  It is not mine.

  No, no. Granda lifted his newspaper and was reading it and my grannie turned on the tap at the sink and was seeing out the window, her back to us, ye could not see her face. My granda was looking at her. She would not say anything. My grannie done that and just did not say anything and ye were wishing she would.

  And you would do it for her, whatever it was, ye would just do it, if it was her messages, Oh grannie I will go yer messages. Can I go yer messages?

  My grannie turned to see me.

  I always went the messages for my grannie and would always go them, so if it was a train to take, I would still go them. I liked going them, only if it was a heavy pile of potatos and all vegetables, carrots and turnips, it was just a heavy bag and it was two hands going up the stair. The shops were round the corner along the road and I knew the ones to go to, if they gived ye good food, some of them did not. My grannie said the ones that were not good, Oh do not go there he is a cheat if his potatos are old and how his carrots are just soft.

  Grannie I can go yer messages.

  I forgot the wee boy was there, she said.

  He is in his hideout, said granda, he is playing possum. Sure ye are son?

  Well I am no a wee boy.

  Ye have got big ears.

  Oh but I can go grannie's messages, even if it is the new place, I can just come back.

  See what I am saying? said granda. The boy is never away from here. He is not going to stop now. His big brother too.

  But we will never get to visit them.

  Aye we will.

  Oh Larry.

  We will.

  My grannie was looking at me and was sad. Ye will need to go home soon. Then to granda, I forgot he was there.

  It is his memory, said granda. Everything ye say, he is taking notes, that is weans for ye.

  Granda said weans but my maw did not like it. Oh it is children, they are not weans they are children. And if it was words the same, oh she did not like it, aye and cannay dae. Aye but I cannay dae that. My granda said that. Aye but I cannay dae. It is not aye and cannay dae it is yes and cannot do.

  Take an apple son. My grannie touched me on the shoulder. I got the apple and squashed back in at the side of the grate.

  My seat was here, it was a stool. A big cupboard was at the side and my head went against it. I liked it here how ye could just see everything and were out the way. If ye were reading, ye could just read. Sometimes I was sleeping, if I woke up, it was time to go home, my grannie just there, she done things at the sink and the table or else the cupboard if she was making soup and had all the onions and carrots and stuff and all just was chopping it up.

  My granda sat on his chair no faraway. He read the paper or else with the wireless on. He did not like television. If he just read and the wireless was not on ye could hear his breaths. My grannie did not care about the wireless. If he went ben the front room she just turned it off. Oh a wee bit peace son.

  My grannie's house was better than ours. I just liked it, except if my big brother was there, so if he was, I just came home or maybe out to play. Usually I went to my grannie's every day. My maw telled me not to. Oh it is too much. But I just did. I telled her I was going for new books to the library. I ran fast to the library and got the books then went fast to my grannie. She liked to see the books and if I was talking about them. So did granda. What is the story son?

  So I told them if it was adventures and just saying all what it was, if it was in a woods and children were straying oh and what happened if it was a bear going to get them or else a wicked man who had an axe and how he had funny shoes if they went up at the front where his toes were, and his trousers too. His legs were just skinny and funny knees sticking out. Oh I am going to get you, oh and ye were hiding if it was the boy and girl and behind a bush.

  My grannie was laughing. So was granda. But my grannie's laugh was funny, Ohhh ohhh and her hand covering her mouth. Granda pointed at her and she still laughed, Ohhh ohhh.

  ***

  Uncle Billy came home for the weekend to help with the flitting. His old pal was there too. His name was Chick. He got a van from his work. He could drive it and was doing all the lifting for our furniture, him and Uncle Billy and my da. My da did not have pals here, he had them in all other places and through in Fife, that was where they stayed.

  Matt could help but I was not to, I was too wee and would get in the road so just stay in yer grannie's. But I would have been a help. I would have carried wee stuff. My da said I was to go and hurry up because it was going to rain soon. I had t
o stay in my grannie's till my maw came and got me.

  My maw gived me a piece on cheese but I did not feel like it and flung it in the midden when I was going over the back. I went slow up the stairs and sat down on the steps for a wee while. I was fed up with stuff and did not like how it all happened, and just because ye were wee. If I could have helped, I would have carried stuff too. There was a lot of things. It was not fair how my da done stuff. My maw too. How come it was always Matt? Everything was for him. That was what I saw how he got everything. That was if ye were the oldest. The young ones did not get anything. If Matt only was to do things. How was that fair? It was not.

  I went up the stair and chapped the door. I gived my own signal. My Auntie May let me in but then she went away over to help my maw. That was her sister. My granda was ben the parlour. The wee cat was in with him. I looked to see and it was on his shoulders. That was where it went. My granda was reading the paper and it just jumped up the chair and lied round them. I was saying how Uncle Billy's old pal was there for the flitting and Matt was helping but I was not to. Granda was tired. Oh would ye just go ben the kitchen son, see what yer grannie is doing.

  My grannie was at the sink. She done that and did not talk much, just looked out the window. Ye could see the sky over the building across the back. It was our building. If ye looked hard ye could see our kitchen window.

  My grannie was washing clothes, it was my granda's socks. I did not have any books and was watching her.

  The big cat was there and I played with it. I could drag wool over the floor and under the bed and it chased it. I dragged it fast but ye were to let it catch the wool sometimes. It was training for the mouse. One time it just stayed under the bed and did not come back out. It was lying down and having a sleep.

  My maw came a lot later and I woke up, I was lying on the bed in the recess. My grannie was going fast now and looking at us. Oh I will make a pot of tea, I will make a pot of tea. Oh no mum there is no time, the men are ready to go.

  Oh but a pot of tea.

  Oh but the men are ready.

  Yes but you can stay a minute.

  Oh no mum I have to go. May is down there too.

  My grannie was just looking. Now my maw was greeting and she went and gived my grannie a cuddle. My grannie was her mother. When we were going down the lobby my grannie did not come. I was going to give her a cuddle but she did not want to. My granda came out the parlour, he went to my maw. Oh come here hen!

  Him and my maw had a big cuddle. He smoothed my hair and gived me money. Now that is for you. And come back and see us.

  So that was us and we went away. We were to go on the subway and the train. Only us. Matt was to go in the van with the men. My maw took me round to see them driving away. It was all packed inside. My da was waiting with Uncle Billy and Chick, they were smoking. Matt was up the street with his pals and saying cheerio. When he saw me and my maw he came running down. Him and Uncle Billy sat in the back on top of a carpet and squeezed in beside stuff. I was not thinking anything. They were laughing and Uncle Billy was making jokes. Chick slammed the door shut. Ye still could hear them. Oh where is the candles? Where is the candles! Uncle Billy was shouting.

  My da went in the front of the van with Chick that was driving.

  Matt's pals were there and waving when it went away. They said cheerio to me too.

  Me and my maw were just going to the subway station. It was a long walk. A bus went but our family did not catch it. There was not the money.

  It was a different walk from the ferry I liked it okay because there was shops ye could look at. One was a bike-shop with just all bikes and different bits, wheels and frames and saddle bags and all different. People always looked in the window. And a good toy-shop was there too, away along from a close with high dykes and big jumps. Matt and his pals used to go here and I came with them. I went with my own pals now, but not much. The toy-shop had all model yachts and model soldiers in the window, and the best trainsets. A boy in my class got one of the trainsets for his birthday. He could go to this toy-shop and get wee bits to go with it, a new carriage or else other things. He was a only-child and got pocket-money, so he saved it up. That was how he got it, his family was well-off. My maw telled me.

  The rain was starting and she was wanting me to hurry but I still was looking in it. There was farm-animals in the window That boy in my class bought farm-animals. Pigs, cows and sheep and wee ducks, that was what he bought and it was just for weans and wee lasses. I said it to my maw.

  Oh it is not weans it is children. Oh Kieron, it is children and girls, do not say weans and lasses.

  My maw was sad if I did not speak right. I would have to start now I was going to the new school. It was all different there and just all nice and very faraway from the old place. Oh if I would just stick in at my lessons and stop all the nonsense. My head was full of nonsense, the teacher said, if only I buckled down. Oh Kieron you will buckle down, will you?

  Yes mum.

  She did not like me saying aye, and if I said maw, maw was awful and just horrible, she hated it. If I said it to her, Aye maw. Oh she would have hated it. I could never have said it. Aye maw. I said it into my head, Aye maw.

  But if it was my pals and I spoke to them, I would just say it then if it was my mother, Oh it is my maw. And they would say it to me. That was how they spoke, and their maws and das too, some of them, that was how they spoke. I said it to my maw.

  Oh yes Kieron but they are keelies. My maw said, Do you want to be a keelie all your life? That is what they are, just keelies. They will be stuck here till they are dead. They will never go anywhere and never amount to anything. You are not a keelie. Not in my house. And if you buckle down. Oh Kieron will you buckle down? Promise you will buckle down.

  Matt could go to his Secondary School now and it was the very best kind of one so he had the very best chance in life. He was lucky. How did he get in? It was my maw done it. So when it was me she would get me in it too. I could go to it after. She said it to my teacher.

  My teacher said, Oh Kieron has got it in him except his head is full of nonsense. If he would just stop being so silly.

  I liked that teacher but she said stuff about me. I did not care. But if I did go to the good school. Well I wanted to go, if my big brother was there. So if people were picking on ye, a big brother stuck up for ye. Matt could stick up for me. I did not have a new school to go to. I would get it after the holidays.

  Me and my maw were walking up from the railway station. She knew how to get to the new house.

  The rain was on but not too bad. But it was a long long walk up and ye were getting soaked. Away over a big long hill and our house was way down the street, ye had to go away way down it. It was all quiet. Me and my maw were walking and ye heard our shoes. Ye could not see lights in many houses and could see in some windows. My maw said, Oh do not look, but she done it too.

  All the furniture was shifted in, the van locked up and nobody there. Then a noise up above and a big voice shouted on us. It was my da looking out the window. Uncle Billy was waving down to us. Hoy yous two!

  My maw was smiling but saying yous, she would not like it. You not yous, you not ye. Head, not heid. Dead not deid, instead not insteid. And not isnay and wasnay and doesnay. When I said doesnay my da said, Walt Doesnay, you do not.

  My maw was laughing.

  It was the very top stairs. That was smashing. I liked so ye could see out and just be over the top of everybody.

  My da was there and he gived my maw a kiss then she went in the bathroom.

  A cupboard was there for coats and jackets with all pegs and hooks. I was to put my coat on a peg.

  Then the new bedroom for me and Matt. But only the same old bed. We were getting our new beds soon. Ye would get one to yerself and just kick out yer feet if ye wanted. He was lying on top reading a book. He was on the side near the window and his stuff all spread out. My side was the door and my stuff was there. Who put it there? That side of th
e bed was not my side in the old house. If it was my old side I would have been at the window So who done it like that? It was him.

  I was going past to see in the cupboard then the first drawer but he shouted at me. Oh that is mine. You take that other one. Oh ye see that chair, it is mine, is not yours. You get yer own chair.

  You are not the boss.

  Shut it.

  I ran to see out the window. Oh ye better not walk there too much, it is my side of the room. That is yours at the door.

  Away ye go, I said and just went out the room. He wanted me to. I went down the lobby to see the bathroom. The door was open. I went in and saw the bath. I turned on the water and pchohhh, it gushed out and splashed back on me. Then a wash-hand basin. It was beside the lawy bowl. I done the lawy and washed my hands. There was no towel but and I just had to use toilet paper.

  My da was with Uncle Billy and his old pal Chick. They were sitting at the window drinking beer and sherry wine. Uncle Billy was laughing, Oh the old sherry wine is a good friend of mine.

  I went to see other house bits. My maw and da's room was there. I pushed the door and went in. My maw was standing near the bed and all clothes were there on top and she was hiding her neck and chest. Oh Kieron, she said, Kieron. Oh do not do that Kieron you must knock the door. Knock the door before you enter. You cannot just come in.

  Sorry mum.

  You must knock if it is a bedroom and someone is there.

  Sorry mum.

  I went in to see the living room again. There was no many seats. I was just sitting on a cushion on the floor. Chick was saying about something then was a bad swear word. Uncle Billy laughed but my da saw me. What are you doing here?

  I am just sitting.

  Well sit somewhere else.

  Uncle Billy said, Oh Kierie boy! Do ye like yer new house. Oh Kierie boy!