Kieron Smith, Boy

by James Kelman

  A delivery sack sir.

  A delivery sack sir. He took the three other ones and held them up for people to see, then had two in each hand. It was funny seeing them all crumpled and hanging down. It didnay even look like them. I was nearly laughing. One, two, three, four. Four delivery sacks, he said.

  And they could even have had names. I saw that when he held them because there they were, the four ones I knew that were mine and they were different from each other, the one with the rips at the bottom so ye had to carry it up the way else a parcel would fall out and the one with the thin strap, just worn away and ye thought of an old man on his last legs, but wondered if it was going to fucking snap so ye didnay walk across a deep puddle because if it did snap what about yer parcels, imagine they were all fucking soaked so that was you and if nobody took them, ye would just have to fucking pay for them because the boss would just look at ye, It wasnay me that dropped them in the fucking puddle son. That was what he would say.

  The teacher was looking at me and saying stuff, holding his hand out, looking down at me. His tie knot was pulled tight and greasy-looking. What did he even want? It was my school bag. I was to give him it. His finger just waggling at me, just stupid. So I was to hand it over, that was funny, his finger, and a dirty nail, teachers with a dirty nail. I gave him the school bag and he looked inside it. Two jotters and no books, he said. Two crushed jotters, and no books. Are you laughing boy?

  No sir.

  You have no books?

  I forgot them sir.

  You firgoat them.

  Yes sir.

  He dropped the delivery sacks on the floor. I reached to get them. Leave them there, he said.

  I need them sir.

  Leave them there.

  But I need them sir.

  I said leave them there.

  It is my job after school.

  I know what it is.

  Well I need them. I just need them.

  I did not say sir and he heard. I did not care. So it was the belt, who cared about the belt. And if people were watching. So what. That was them, they could just do it, whatever, I did not care. No about any of them, no in that class. I did not care about any of them. And the teacher, what he was saying, Leave them there.

  Aw fuck him man, silly cunt. It was Freddy the driver talking. I just reached to get the sacks.

  Smith, I have said, leave them.

  They are my delivery sacks sir and I need them for my job.

  Leave them until later, he said and he turned and walked back to his desk.

  So I knew. I was just to leave the sacks there for a wee minute, one wee minute, that was all. Then I bent down and folded them up. I done it quiet, and shoved them back into my school bag. The teacher did not look at me doing it. Other ones in the class were not looking, but some were, I just felt good.

  ***

  I went up a close and it was just something, like a special close, it was no children, and the people were quite old. They put a carpet there on the top landing and flower pots too. It was quiet and I sat on the step on the window landing and just had a rest or else a smoke if Mitch was not there. People did not go up much. If ye were wee ye would think it was a hideout. I saw it the best close in the whole street. That was what it was for me. But then it was, what it was, it was just where it was private because it was just, it was the place, well that was where I just sometimes wanked. And if anybody ever found out, ye could not think about it. I did not tell myself, and stopped myself thinking about it. The only thing sometimes was if it was God, just if it could be. I did not care for myself, if it was about myself, except maybe if God was waiting for me and saw me, people are wandering in the darkness unto the light, even if He was waiting for me for the Confession maybe how Protestants done it. Oh Father, I have sinned and been bad and swearing, just how ye done it in yer prayers. Prayers was talking to God, so that was a Confession, I Confess to you Heavenly Father.

  Then ye could tell yer worst secrets. The worst stuff. People said wanking but maybe there was worse. And if ye did not tell Him that was you with a bigger Sin. If ye kept the bad stuff a secret it would all just pile up. Sins and evil deeds. If wanking was an evil deed. I tried to stop it, and no thinking about somebody if I was, I tried no to, but it all just came in my head and did not matter if it came on me, it would not go out my head. It started closes before that one and I started going faster or else if I went slower when I got nearer. I did not feel good about it and after I did it I felt bad. Then walking up the road if ye met somebody, maybe a woman customer and she said, Hullo, ye felt horrible and if it was somebody else like the paperboy, that was the worst, ye were just something what it was, people to laugh at ye.

  Mitch did not come much and if he did I was nearly finished so he could not do much work. He always came on Fridays and for collecting money. So he got half the tips. I did not tell Freddy the driver and the paperboy. They would have looked. Oh you are daft. But it was Mitch's job and I just done it. After we paid the money into the boss we split the wages and Mitch got his. Maybe he did not like it because he did not do much. If it was me and I could not do it then he would have gave me it. It was not my job it was his. I was going to say to the boss about getting one for myself so to get the real wage but if I did Mitch could not do his.

  I still liked the job, how it gave ye the money and ye did not need nothing off people. What could they say. Nothing. It was not their money it was yours. Ye worked for it, so there was nothing they could say, even yer maw and da. If things went right and ye got good tips then that was you. I made more tips than Mitch. I did not tell him. He asked me, Oh what did you make?

  Oh it was good. I just said that. I did not tell him the exact amount. People gave ye more because if they knew ye from giving their deliveries. When they saw Mitch for the money, some did not hardly know him. He thought the third last close was the worst because of the old alsatian sentry dog but I did not care and it was only two more closes to go. The paperboy hated it but he had to go for a customer on the first storey. But he was in and away before me.

  The worst dog in the street was not the old alsatian sentry it was a mongrel terrier. It was a mental case. People wished it would get run over. It did a circle dance round ye so ye could not walk, jumping up at ye and barking and shagging yer leg, and even if it was trying to bite at yer bolls. Ye had to pat it hard to get it off ye. I slapped it. I hoped somebody would pass so it would forget me and rush after them. People did not like it and wee weans were scared when it came. It was just nuts. Mitch said that, That dog is fucking nuts. He hated it and did not go near it and just watched when I clapped it. I telled him no to worry, it would not bite ye, except maybe if it gave ye a wee nip by mistake.

  The paperboy said, Oh it is just a fucking pest. He did not like dogs either. They jumped up at him when he pushed the papers through people's letterboxes.

  But it was me it came to. I saw that. How come? I felt sorry for it and just clapped it. So it was me. If it saw me or got my scent. The dog did not mean any harm, it was just the way it was. So if it was a pest. There were a lot of pests. People were pests. At school it was everybody, nearly everybody. Ye got on the train in the morning, it was like a journey into a horrible dream, ye saw these pictures about other planets. Maybe there was nothing there except a cold landscape, all stones and desert and a dark sky or else scarlet red and brown. Everybody's breath comes out like steam, they are waiting for the train and it is freezing cold. And what will happen what will happen maybe if ye could just disappear for ever and wake up on a sunny beach and just go in for a swim and the water is just clean and light so ye can see all the fish and the coral reefs. Then if ye did come back it is a year later and it would all be over or if ye are standing there, a year just flashed by like a second and ye are shivering away and cannot stop and then the train is crowded full, all people going to school or their work and everybody is there all pushing to get onto the platform, maybe a woman with a pram and a wee baby inside, and she c
annot get the pram up onto the step, the wee baby looking about, eyes popping and everybody all crushing and ye get carried this way or that, yer school bag getting twisted, and what will happen, maybe the Fates are going to do something like from history in the ancient days there was all Gods watching ye puny beings, all laughing to see ye falling about, then sticking stuff in yer road so ye might trip up or even setting down a wild beast, ye turn a corner and out jumps a crocodile, so that is yer Fate unless ye can do something about it, if ye have a knife in yer belt then ye can kill it, plunge it down between its shoulders. Ye jump on top of its back and plunge it right in between its shoulders. Ye have to do it and ye cannot miss because ye only get the one chance and if ye do not take it that is you. Because that is yer Fate, that is what lies in store for ye and ye have to deal with it, nobody else will. Who else is there. Even if there are big sentry lions sitting at the gates and if ye want to get through ye have to pass them, huge big lions, a pack of them, or else a dragon from history guarding the temples, so ye have to pass through, and just keep walking, do not stop, do not stop, the dragons are watching ye, do not stop, do not stop. This is yer Fate and ye have to go through the gate, even if the dragons are there, because if ye stop ye will never get through.

  And nobody can help. It is you and only you. Who else could it be? Because if it is your Fate then that is you and just tough luck Everybody has their own. Some have it better than others. But if it is yours it is yours and nobody is going to change it.

  People cannot fight yer battles for ye, no yer individual ones. That was what my granda said. If my grannie was giving him a row for something, if it was boxing lessons. Oh Vera, the boy has got to fight his battles.

  Vera. That was what he called her. It was right enough if they were married. Vera, she was his wife. Oh Vera. Then he would laugh. So did she, she liked him laughing. Granda was good and ye just how everybody was really just like he was not there or passed over or what, it just was not fair, ye really thought that. And ye saw old people and they were walking down the street and then the old man that had the alsatian sentry dog, he was fat and just with a big red face, but he was there and he was old and he was older than granda if he was still there, so it was no even old people.

  With granda it was cats. My grannie liked dogs. I did not really like them. If it was cats or dogs, ye just had to be careful. Ye watched them and they watched you, so then ye got to pet them, and when ye were wee ye smoothed them, then they were alright. Then they liked ye and you got to like them, but ye did not start off liking them.

  Except just the mongrel terrier, how it went after me. He came running down the street and was jumping all over me jumping all over me, how come naybody else, if they saw it, just like a magic trick hypnotizing it. What did they think? It came bursting out the close to get me. And it was just me and I knew it how it was the smell and a scent. I started it. It was no the dog's fault. The twinges started on me, then getting near that close, that one where I went so I knew was I going to do it, I was hurrying else going slower no to think about it, if I was going to do it, or would I, maybe no, maybe I wouldnay, trying no to, I did not want to but then the twinges and maybe I was going to have one and if the mongrel terrier got my scent. It did. Ye saw dogs, how they got that smell and how they followed ye or else other dogs, they were trying to shag them, ye saw how they done it, and then if they jumped at ye it was yer bolls, that was what they went for.

  I knew what it was. So if other people knew This time it was happening Mitch was up a close and I just came down one and here it was it was a nightmare jumping roundabout me on its back legs doing a crazy circle dance trying to get at me and I could not stop it it was worse than ever. I swung a sack at its head but it came back jumping. Now Mitch was there and laughing, but he kept away, feared it went for him. I was shouting at the dog. It was just a stupid mental case.

  It was Mitch's next close so I shouted the customer names to him and got out the parcels, flung them for a catch. Mitch was great at catching even if it was a bad fling. He caught them and was laughing, then ran into the close, ran into the close. The mongrel terrier jumped down off me and chased after him. He did not know because he was running up the steps. Then it was barking. I ran into the close, left the sacks on the floor and up the stairs. I could hear the noises and it was funny I got up the second landing. Mitch was just there standing with his hands in the air and the parcels on the floor. His face was all funny, all something, if it was anguish. The dog was bouncing on its back legs with its two front paws hitting in at his chest and clawing up near his chin. And just its loud breathing.

  And Mitch's own breath was stuttering like shivering and his body shaking because he was caught there. If I could pull the dog off him. I grabbed at it but it turned and snapped at me. It did not know me, its teeth there nearly biting me, nearly fucking doing it. The collar round its neck but I could not grip it. Oh but Mitch was no in a good state, just no doing nothing except standing and his shoulders tight up and shivering. I did not know what it was or what if maybe I could chap somebody's door or else what I could not think, except I got roundabout it and punched it dead hard on the side of the head and it went right back and landed down the stairs, its paws scrabbling on the steps and its head jerking round and seeing me then that squealing noise like dogs do it was a squealing noise. I had hit it dead dead hard and my hand even was sore, my knuckles, and my elbow too up at my shoulder, and the mongrel terrier's head, it was just a wee head, and I had battered it.

  Mitch was nearly as if he was greeting. It was funny. He was leaning against the wall and making gulping noises, getting his breath, how a wee wean does it, if yer da gives ye a skelping, that was what ye done if ye were greeting and yer throat was too sore with it and ye were gasping. Oh Mitch, I said, Mitch. I patted his shoulder. Oh Mitch, alright?

  But he did not look at me and went down the stairs. I gave the parcels into the people then I went down. Out the front close he was standing looking up and down, but the dog was away. I lifted the sacks and went out. He showed me his hand where the dog bit him, just wee marks but no blood. Look at mine, I said. My knuckles were a bit bleeding and the skin was tore. My elbow was sore too, down from the bony bit.

  Oh, I am just going fucking hame, said Mitch.

  Are ye?

  Aye. And he just turned and walked away down the street and did not look back. Usually me and him did, and just called it that, last looks, so when ye were going hame ye looked round to see the person and gave a wave if he was looking and ye done it to see who was last. Mitch remembered who it was, so if it was the next day after school, Oh Smiddy I got the last look.

  What I noticed too was how he did not say my name. Mitch always said it, Oh Smiddy, Hey Smiddy He liked saying people's names. Now he just went away. Maybe he was angry at me, but it was no my fault, I could not stop it, until then I did.

  I did not meant to batter the dog, I was just feared for Mitch. That mongrel terrier was crazy but ye did not think it was dangerous. This time it was. It did not like Mitch. I thought that but did not say it. Dogs like some people and no others. But it was his fault too. Because he was scared. Dogs do not like it if ye are scared. Ye just had to clap the dog and then that was that. I telled him how to do it. Dogs looked at ye and if ye were alright with them they were alright with you.

  It was a shame for Mitch. After my tea I thought to go up for him but then I just waited to see. Maybe he would come up for me. But he did not. It was no my fault. Maybe he thought I would tell the boys but I wouldnay have, never.

  ***

  It was Carolyn Smart's close, the nearer ye got to it, then when ye chapped her door and she came out, and what she had on, just pyjama bottoms and on the top a thin jersey thing else a blouse and making her tits jut out and she just was standing there. What was she she was beautiful, just what, a complete darling, if ye could say that it was her and ye could get randy thinking about her even just coming home from school and on the train or whatever ye were
thinking about her and if she came to the door, just a complete darling, so with the pyjama bottoms how she would have come home from school then changed her clothes, maybe to do her homework lying on the bed, that was how some lasses done it, so she did not want to crease her school clothes, so she took them off, changed to the other ones and if her stomach was showing, sometimes it was, at her belly, the top she wore, it was too short and did not reach to her waist so ye always saw that bit and even her actual belly button, I saw that too and there was a wee bit sticking out. Mine went in deep and if water came in a wee puddle got left. Hers was just a wee thing in the middle. How come? If that meant anything, or if it was just cause she was a lassie. But boys had it too, I saw them. The cord got cut off and it sprung back into yer belly and into a wee circle, that was yer belly button.

  I stared at the doormat when I went to her house. So if I started getting a stiffy going up the stair or coming to her close, no even thinking about it it would be twinges down below and ye were having to stop it. But it would not go away. I stood down at the landing window to think about stuff and take my mind away because if it was a wank, ye could not do it but just thinking it and it would not go down, just staring out the backcourt window, seeing all the stuff and no thinking about a single thing, if ye could, seeing the back walls and the easy climbs, just the same as mine with ronepipes and verandas and if ye could get onto a roof how ye could run along it. I would love to do that. And go right round the block, if the building came to the corner and went round to the next street so it was a corner building, I would like to go on that roof too. Just thinking about that and how it would be and even oh but if she was there again, just a complete darling, people called her that, a complete darling, and her bare feet too, she went in her bare feet, she just came down the lobby in her bare feet and when ye asked her for the delivery money she just went to get it and smiled at ye, that was what she done, it was just a real smile, she did not speak.