At 7:35 a.m., Corky hustled into Meredith's office. “I’m late,” she announced needlessly. Meredith sat by her desk, where she’d been since seven, by prior arrangement. Corky needed an hour to meet with her, but had patients at eight, so Meredith had agreed to come in an hour early.
“We don’t have much time. I’ve got clinic in twenty-five minutes. Let me show you what I did last night.” She pulled a hasty sketch out of her bag. There was an orange stain on the lower right corner. “I want the whole thing on one page, so that Ellen can input it faster.”
Meredith eyed the sheet. “I don’t think it will all fit on one page, Corky.”
“Just shrink it down so it does.”
Meredith didn’t answer her.
“Fine. Just do it your way and give it to me. I’ll shrink it myself.” Her pager went off. She looked toward Meredith's phone but made no move toward it. “Do you still have the data sheet I gave you yesterday?” Meredith nodded and pulled it out of her in box. “Great. Can I make a copy of this? I’ve misplaced the original.” She looked at the clock on her pager. “I’ve got clinic at eight. I really want Ellen to give you her input on the page. She’s the one who’s going to be typing it in. Let me see if she’s here yet.” She was back in a minute. “She’s not. Let’s get Ellen in on this and meet again tomorrow at seven.”
“I was the only one here today at seven. I’m not doing it two days in a row.” Meredith knew she sounded whiny.
“Fine. Seven-thirty. I won’t see Ellen all morning. Will you tell her what we’ve decided when she gets here?”
“I’m not coming in at seven-thirty.” Ellen was sitting in her cubby, looking up at Meredith. “I’ve got a family to take care of in the morning. It’s hard enough to get here by eight. My baby-sitter prefers an 8:30 drop off.”
Meredith suppressed a smile. “You’d better let Corky know. She’s in clinic this morning.”
Ellen picked up the phone and paged her. She chatted with Meredith about kids and school pictures. After about a minute, Ellen paged her again. And then again. At Meredith's look she replied, “I’ve found that she only responds to multiple pages.” Seconds later, her desk phone rang. Meredith was impressed, despite herself. Maybe Ellen and Corky weren’t such a bad match after all. “Corky, Meredith's here at my desk.” Ellen was talking into the phone. “She says you want us to meet at 7:30? That’s impossible. My baby-sitter would freak.” She paused to listen. “No, I’m not dragging the kids here. I’d lose my parking space taking them to the baby-sitter.” There was a long pause. “Yes, I do want to be involved. Yes I’m available. Anytime between eight and five.” Another pause. “Eight to five, Corky.” It sounded like a reprimand. She listened for another minute and hung up. “You and I are supposed to talk today. Corky’s going to meet you tomorrow at seven to go over everything.”
“Seven-thirty,” Meredith corrected.
“No, she clearly said seven.”
Ben was on call, but it was a light night, so, after work she met him for dinner in the hospital cafeteria. Non-denominational holiday decorations were starting to go up around the dining hall. She had planned to complain about Corky, but at the last minute clammed up. She was tired of her anger toward Corky. She didn’t think she could stomach another rehash of her complaints. They talked about Doug instead, and Kevin. “They’re just prolonging the inevitable,” Ben commented.
“What do you mean? By keeping him on the ventilator?”
“For some people, it takes some time to come to terms.”
Meredith felt irked. She wasn’t sure why, except that his phrasing made it seem like he felt above it all. Like he wouldn’t need time to come to terms with the death of his son. She wanted to find a way to make Kevin be more to him than a case. “Doug said that Kevin had a crush on me.”
Ben smiled. “Smart boy,” he told her. “But not unique. You must get that a lot.”
Meredith snorted. “Hardly.” She wondered why she was in such a rush to shoot herself down.
Ben clearly thought she was just being modest. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“The last date I had was two years ago. Some guy whose name I forgot. We went out twice.” She wondered briefly why she was pretending to forget his name. It was Ian. Before Ben had a chance to respond, she went on. “I’ve only really dated about five men in my entire life.”
Ben raised his eyebrows. “Really? Why?”
She shrugged, not bothering to say, If I knew that...
“Anyone serious in those five?”
She was surprised at how quickly Ben could cut to the chase. She answered in an old, New York Jewish mother’s accent. “Serious? Smerious compared to you.” Ben looked dissatisfied and she jumped in with a French accent. “Pale, Darling. Zey pale compared to you.”
He let it drop by changing the subject. “You should go see Kevin in the hospital. Marcia and Doug need all the support they can get.”
Meredith looked down, suddenly interested in her mashed potatoes. “Yeah, I gotta do that. I’m going to do that.” She looked back up. “But not tonight. I’ve been here since seven and I’ll be here at seven again tomorrow. I get to meet with Corky Lubbock, bright and early.”
Ben smirked. “Better you than me.”
As a form of protest, Meredith arrived at 7:08, but her demonstration went unnoticed, because Corky swooped in at 7:35. “I’m late again.” Meredith felt like slamming the office door in her face. They met until 8:15, when Corky’s beeper began an almost constant stream of pages. “Someone at clinic is freaking out,” she said. She stayed five minutes longer and bustled off to see her patients.
Doug popped his head in behind Corky's wake. “How things going with you and Corky?” he asked. The welts were still under his eyes and his skin seemed paler.
“Well, at her request, I’ve come in at seven two mornings in a row and she’s been a half hour late each time, but otherwise, things are fine.”
Doug smiled sympathetically, but in his state of mind it looked like a grimace. “Glad to hear it. You’re doing good work, Meredith. I know she’s a handful.”
“How’s Kevin?” God, she was tired of asking that same question over and over. He was probably tired of hearing it.
“Great. His eyelids are fluttering. Twice this morning before I came over.” For a moment, Meredith found herself back in the real world. An eight-year-old boy was dying. His eyelids fluttering were as consequential as a fly crawling by on the wall. Yet, Doug was measuring it in terms of life and death. Then she was back in Doug's world and it really did seem like promising news.
“That’s wonderful.” Her smile was real.
Doug seemed to take her agreement as a statement of authority. “Do you think so? Yes. I agree. It's wonderful.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “We’ve started reading stories into a recorder. Then we download them onto Kevin’s iPod.” He paused, his face stiffening. “It was a Christmas present, the iPod. He’d been begging us for it. Marcia didn’t want to open it early. She wanted to save it for when he woke up. Save his Christmas present for when he’s awake to enjoy it. But I thought he should get it now. Marcia’s a little superstitious. She thought we’d jinx him into never waking up.” On the last three words his voice cracked. Meredith wondered if he was going to hug her again. She began to wish someone would walk by to help with the brunt of his grief. She paused. No one came.
“Come in and sit down,” Meredith stood, offering her chair as she seated herself in the folding chair. He sank down and began to weep violently. She shut the door.
“The iPod won’t do anything but let Kevin hear his parents' voices urging him back,” she offered. His sobs continued unabated. “What story are you on?”
“Charlotte’s Web,” he gasped. “An old favorite.”
Meredith put her hand lightly on his shoulder. “It just feels,” he was spitting out his words in between sobs, “like the gods are punishing us.” Meredith knew Doug was Catholic. She didn’t know how
religious he was. “What have we done to cause this?” he asked, looking up at the ceiling.
“Nothing,” Meredith replied emphatically. “Nothing. It’s random. It just happens to random people.”
“It can’t be Kevin. He’s never hurt anyone. So it must be me. Or Marcia.”
“No,” Meredith said, more forcefully. “Doug, you didn’t cause this. Sometimes bad things happen to good people.”
Doug shook his head. “No, Meredith. You’re wrong. This is Kevin. A beautiful, innocent boy.” He started sobbing again. “He doesn’t deserve this.”
“He doesn’t,” Meredith agreed. “You don’t deserve this either.”
Doug blew his nose and apologized. When he stood, Meredith realized that she wanted to force him to stay in her office until he admitted that he wasn’t responsible for Kevin’s accident. Doug threw out the tissue and left.
Meredith tried to work, but she couldn’t get her conversation with Doug out of her mind. “He is wrong. But what can I say to make him realize?”
Kira popped in her head. “Is Ben on call this weekend?”
Meredith peered past Kira into the hall, but no one was around. “Not so loud. We’re having a low-profile relationship.”
“Oh really? Well.” She lowered her voice. “Is Loverboy on call?”
“He’s got tomorrow off because he’s changing rotations.” She smiled. “I’m taking annual leave.”
“That’s sweet. But not what I asked. Is he free on Friday? I’m having a small get together on Friday. Can you guys come?”
“We’d love it. What can we bring?”
“Yourselves.”
“Okay.”
“And bread.”
“All right.”
“French.”
Ben was stroking Meredith's cheek with his index finger. “I love making love to you,” he whispered, still slightly out of breath. He snuggled in deeper, wrapping his arms around her in a bear hug. He smelled of sweat, soap, tobacco, and mint. Meredith nuzzled his neck for a few seconds and started to wriggle free. Ben interlocked his fingers around her waist. “Where are you going?”
“I’ve got to pee,” she said, working his fingers apart. He opened them with a sigh and she hopped off the bed. Mendra padded behind her to the bathroom and sat in the sink while Meredith did her business.
Back in the room, Ben seemed to be asleep. She considered tip-toeing back out. The novel she was reading was in the living room. As she stood undecided, Ben's eyes opened. “Come here,” he said.
She went to the edge of the bed. “Hey. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s go for a walk.”
He reached over and fingered the t-shirt she’d thrown on. “Or, let’s spend the day naked, exploring each other’s bodies.”
Meredith laughed. “We just spent the morning doing that. What about a movie?”
Ben began to shake off some of his sleepiness. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. I just don’t want to lie in bed all day. It’s making me antsy. Let’s do something.”
Ben pulled her into him. “We were doing something,” he whispered. “Climb back in and I’ll show you again.”
“Ben, quit it!” Meredith pushed him away. “I can’t spend all day fooling around. I need to do something.”
“So you’ve said.”
She could see that his feelings were hurt, but she couldn’t understand why. “It’s not you,” she offered. “I just have a hard time being lazy.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks. That makes me feel much better.” He was pulling on his clothes.
“So what’s it going to be?” Meredith asked brightly. “Hiking or a movie? Or something else?”
Ben sat down to tie the laces of his sneakers. “You do what you want. I think I’ll just go home.”
“Why are you angry?” she asked, feeling wounded.
Ben finished with his shoes and began throwing his things into his knapsack with his back to her.
“You’re going to ignore me? What have I done?” When he didn’t answer, she continued, “Because I didn’t want to have sex again.”
“No.” Ben swung around. “Not because you didn’t want sex. Because you put a wall up every time we reach any level of intimacy.”
“What?” she asked, incredulously.
“Every time we get close, you find some way to break it down. Let’s hike. Let’s bake brownies. Let’s wallpaper my bathroom.”
“Now you’re just making things up. I’ve never baked brownies with you!”
Ben rolled his eyes. “You never want to stay in bed after sex.” He pointed to the bed. “You’re out of there like a rocket. You don’t cuddle.”
Meredith had nothing to say.
“You have sex with me. You just don’t make love. You strip the act of all its intimacy.” His knapsack was still on his shoulders, but he dropped it to the floor and came to her. “I’m sorry. That’s an exaggeration. You don’t strip it of all its intimacy. But a lot of it.”
Meredith looked at his eyes. He looked more hurt by what he’d said than she felt.
“I like you, Meredith. A lot.” His eyes peered into hers, waiting.
“I like you too, Ben,” she said, obediently. His face relaxed slightly but he still looked like he had his doubts. “I do,” she told him. Then, to back it up, she pulled him to her and kissed him. They tumbled back into bed and after making love Meredith snuggled with him for thirty minutes before asking, “How about a hike? Can we do that now?”
The phone rang as they were headed out the door for their hike. The machine clicked on and Sarah's voice came through the speaker. “Hey! Where the hell are you? You’re never home anymore. Call me.” The machine grunted and clicked and then a red light started to flash. Neither Ben nor Meredith commented on the message until they had parked at the base of the foothills and walked up to the trailhead.
“Are you fighting with Sarah?”
“Well, I’m fighting with her, but she doesn’t know it yet. I’m using the ‘avoidance maneuver.’”
“Ahhh. So that’s your tactic. Avoidance. I’ll have to remember that. Why are you angry with her?”
They were walking at a brisk pace and Meredith wanted to conserve her breath by not talking. “She’s manipulative. I don’t need that in my life.”
“How is she manipulative?”
“Lots of ways.”
“Give me an example.”
But Meredith couldn’t think of any clear example. “That’s part of the manipulation,” she explained. “She’s so deft that it’s hard to even realize what she’s done.”
“I like her. She was charming and intelligent. Most people talk about themselves and she worked the whole conversation around me.”
“That’s because she was looking for your weakness,” Meredith exclaimed, vexed.
“That’s because she cares about you. She was checking out her best friend’s boyfriend. Of course she put him through the ringer.”
“Can we talk about this later, when I’m not hiking up the side of a mountain?”
All discussion halted till they got to the top.
Predictably, Ben pulled out a cigarette at the peak they’d climbed to. It was a minor peak, but still provided a spectacular view. Meredith suppressed her irritation at Ben's habit and stood upwind from the smoke.
“Sarah has caused me a lot of grief,” she told him. “She sort of runs our relationship.” Ben was silent, so she kept going. “I feel like we’re not equals in the friendship.” The wind shifted and Ben's smoke blew in her face. She seethed silently in a cloud of smoke until Ben realized and moved his cigarette to the other side.
“Friendships have their ups and downs. But you wouldn’t have stayed friends this long if she didn’t have some special characteristics. Right now you’re angry, so you’re only seeing her negatives. Give yourself a little time to remember her good points.”
Meredith chewed the inside of her lip. Ben sat there smoking, having no idea how hard it was to be fr
iends with Sarah. When he shook another cigarette out of his pack, she said, “What a great idea. Hike up a mountain to breathe air riddled with cancer.”
Ben's lighter paused in mid-air. Then he went ahead and lit up, taking a deep drag. Meredith watched emotions flit across his face, surprise, hurt feelings, apathy. She suddenly felt too exhausted to get back down the mountain. “I’m sorry Ben. I don’t know what made me say that.”
Ben immediately crushed his cigarette out on a rock, dropping the butt into his shirt pocket. His mask of indifference vanished and he said, “You’re absolutely right. It is disgusting. Especially up here.”
“I’m exhausted,” she told him. “I don’t like fighting with you or Sarah.”
He patted the rock next to him. “Sit here.” When she sat down, he sunk his fingers into her neck and gave her a mini massage.
She tried to relax, but Sarah's face popped up every time she closed her eyes. She knew that Sarah was about to get her way again.
The next morning before work, Meredith called Sarah. She didn’t worry about waking her, because Sarah generally rose by five to start her fourteen hour work days. Sure enough, there was no answer at home and Meredith only reached her after calling the office.
“Where have you been? It’s like you fell off the face of the earth.”
“Hello to you too,” Meredith joked. When she didn’t get an answer, she said, “I’ve just been busy.”
“Too busy to show up for work?”
Meredith could feel her chest tighten. “I took the day off.”
“What for?”
“Ben and I went on a hike.”
“Ben. So that’s what’s going on. I’ve been replaced by testosterone.”
“No one’s replaced you. I didn’t call for a couple of days. It’s no big deal.”
“Three days.”
“Sarah, you have boyfriends all the time. I never accuse them of replacing me.”
“That’s because I always return your calls, boyfriend or not. Lately, I don’t have to even try because you not only don’t return my calls, but you don’t take the initiative to call me.”
Searching For Meredith Love Page 11